Some Kind of Failure

It seems silly to point out, as if not doing so would alter the course of history, but sometimes it seems that if I don’t I will lose a part of me. The me, that can’t help but string words together like pearls on a string, whether fake or real, not even I can always tell. I found another blog today. It has almost become a treasure hunt for me as I’m searching, following clues, sniffing out for similes- poetical- melodic. Fictitious is not required but a reality put together with ingenious stitching is.

Anyways. This blog is written by a young lady (Woman? Girl?- how do we define ourselves caught between girlish teenager and a married woman?!) She writes in the way I wish I could. I compare myself to these people and there is this knowing in me that I should be like that. But I sit down to write, with all the good intentions of the Pharisees, and fail. I get one, two, and on good days maybe three paragraphs in and suddenly I go......_________..... Yes, just like that. An empty space follows a few words. Call it writer block, call it the end of my inspiration, call it normal. I call it my failure. I know. How dramatic. But it is easy to judge me when it’s not your dream.

Needless to say, at one point she presents the question someone else once posed to her- how is she such a good writer? Yes, my thoughts exactly. Did I fall off the creation belt when God was sprinkling people with writer’s ability? Did I miss that class in Heaven? This magnificent writer says that simply she once had someone believe in her. She had someone tell her that they could see her name on books sitting in shelves throughout bookstores.

Is wrong for me to be jealous of that?

Yes.
 

I know, I know. I’ve had people tell me that I could write (just like I could sing...almost insinuating I lacked the ability to do it well but saying I could do it.) Yet, someone did even give me a couple of gems in the way of storylines. But no one. I repeat no one has ever told me that they could see MY name on a book. I’m not angry at that fact. Really, I’m not!

 

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

-Shut up Shakespeare.-

I’m realizing there is something to what she says. If I want to write and write well the biggest hurdle I’m going to need to leap is believing I can.

I can string words together to make beautiful sentences that shimmer and shine like the stars.

I can group these star like sentences into constellational paragraphs.

And I can turn these constellations into stories, books, essays.

What. A. Thought.

Perhaps if I imagine myself like The Little Engine That Could-

“I think I can...I think I can...”

Up I go, slowly chugging up the hill of my writer’s block...or inability... Finally, reaching the crest, the pinnacle, the height of creative genius (-not egotistical at all-) and as I barrel down, screaming-

“I thought I could!....I thought I could!...”

Oh what a happy day that will be.

 

 

 

And though she be but little, she is fierce. – Shakespeare

A small short sentence that many times presents the best version of me. I haven't written on here in a long time despite having words that bubble up inside me like water coming to a boil. I felt the need to take a break, to grow and mature in how I present my life. There comes a point when verbal vomit is no longer an attractive quality, even to a communication major.

 Although there is the argument of if such a quality is ever attractive.

I have come back here many times wondering just what I can write. To spell out the changes in myself would be almost as liberating as to fly. Yet, just as clouds have no real definition to them it is the same with me. I am who I am. My dad's quote that resides at the top of this blog still, even to this day, 5 years later, rings true. Perhaps it is silly for me to have expected a sort of ending to "finding myself" but somewhere in the back of my mind I did. I kept having this picture that one day I would just wake up and find myself, all bright and wide eyed; with exactness that puts even the most minimalist to shame.

Of course, after a year and a half of growing up, I'm discovering just how immature that picture was. I realize now that the whole process of finding myself is a lifelong one because to my great relief, I will never remain the same person. Oh there are pieces of who I am that will be as unchanging as the moon in its phases. They will always be there but they will reflect differently depending on where am I.

I can't specifically pin point the exact catalyst for change over this past year but I know at some point it occurred. Perhaps it was the Father of Lights movie by Darren Wilson. Or the book 1000 Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully by Ann Voskamp. To put it into words makes it seem something trivial and non-transforming. I can’t help it though. There are moments that you must put on the blank canvas whether through words or some other form. It must be imprinted on this world, even if no one else can appreciate the meaning behind it.

Perhaps the catalyst is not the important factor.

Just, maybe, the important thing is the person I’ve become.

 A year and a half ago I spent so much time with tears and fear that they eventually began to think they could move in but, like a bear waking from hibernation, I woke up to the truth.

The truth that I am beautiful and not solely on the outside, I am beautiful in who I am, and that a lack of commitment does not signify me being less of a woman.

I began to learn about myself. The real me, not the me I presented to the world.

Even now, this renewal in blogging, it almost feels like I’m a debutante and this is my coming out ball.

Here I am- in all of my messy, frizzy self.

I try and fail. I prefer to be by myself for hours on end in the silence of my mind. I can read 400 page books in two days. My books are like my children. I want to write a book worth reading. I do not need a man to check my oil or tires or fill my tank. I can cook but don’t because it’s lame cooking for one. I don’t like to work out but will if it’ll help a sister out...literally. The thought of being a stay at home mom scares the crap out of me. I know that I am meant for something greater than just living a life for myself. I want to travel. I need to travel; it is so deep in who I am that I cannot separate myself from the dream. I sing, loud, in my car with the windows down. I almost never turn on my heater or air conditioner in said car. I don’t like to clean if it is expected of me. I can wait to get married but there are things I can’t wait to do with my future somebody- like dancing, kissing, sitting cuddled by a fire pit outside looking at the stars, walking down the Avenue des Champs-Élysées, and whispering late at night.

All silly things to point out and things that probably don’t separate me from anyone else.

Sometimes I do feel all dreams and no reality, all hopes and no action. As if I’m the rain without the rainbow. But the fact of the matter is that I am still just a bud, as cliché as that sounds. I may be turning 24 soon but, in the scheme of this mad world, I am, in many ways, just a child. I’m still experiencing things for the first time. And it is beautiful.

That first rent check? Liberating.

That first set of tires? I wanted to giggle.

The first real job? Strengthening.

The first time cleaning my house? I wanted to dance.

Simple things that don’t really mean much to those who have “gone before.” They are old things now to you. Simple things that have lost their appeal. And that’s ok. I know one day I’ll be the same.

But...

Let’s never lose the wonder and love of our new selves, no matter how much it gets watered down and muddled by life.

Passion 2012 Candlelight Prayer Vigil

Falling Like Rain

      The past couple of months I've really taken a step back from all forms of social media in an attempt to gain sanity and realize life without being tied to what other people think about what I have to say. I have to say it has been one of the most liberating choices I've made in quite awhile. Needless to say, due to this choice many things that happened the past couple of months have been kept quiet until I felt freed to talk about them. 
      To start off I want to say that this is NOT a bragging blog on great things that have happened to me. This is a blog that describes the ultimate grace and favor of God- something that can only truly occur when you're working in and toward His Will.
      The best way to describe the things that have happened is think of rain. Lots of it. I know some of us may not quite remember what it looks like. So here's a reminder:

      After graduation in May, much to my delight, I was able to continue working on Schreiner Campus for Campus Ministry. I was able to finish some things up that still needed to be done. I started really applying for jobs and just praying that God would open the doors He wanted. (Granted, I've only now learned the folly of such a question since Satan has as much power to open doors but that's another post.) During my waiting period for something to come of all my applications I was also looking for a car. Things were going slowly in the natural but I had determined in myself to enjoy it. I knew that God would provide for everything I needed in His time. Yes, there were times when I just wanted to sit and cry out of frustration over how things looked but.....then came the call that I never expected. 

      My dad called me one afternoon. When he began to talk I felt like I was in a dream. A couple that I knew from home had prayed about it and felt that God wanted them to give me a car. Yes, you read that correctly. Give...ME....a car.... I felt like I needed to pinch myself. Goodness, even now, after several weeks, I still feel the need to pinch myself about it. Anyway, so I became the proud owner of a 2004 Ford Focus at no cost to me. There is no doubt that God orchestrated the whole thing.

     Then came the interview that I knew I would get. I went through it and gave it my best. Yet, in the end, they chose someone else. At first I panicked. All I could think of was, "what if I don't get a job? What if I can't get a job even at Wal-Mart? My loans kick in and I'll be stuck with nothing...." Talk about taking my eyes off of God's provision and focusing on the the world's view on employment rates right now. 

      Then a friend at church told me about a small pest control company that was looking for an office manager. She explained it would basically consist of making appointments and dealing with the financial aspect of it. There was something about it that just struck me so I decided to apply and after a couple of days of praying, on both of our accounts, I accepted the position. It has been such an amazing blessing in offering me time and space to grow in ways I wouldn't have been able to in other positions as well as offering me the freedom to come up with creative ideas for helping the company.

    The thing is that I never would have imagined God orchestrating all this. I have lived my life knowing "that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" (Rom 8:28) yet, I've never experienced it to the fullest until the past couple of months. It has taken me to a whole new level. It's like in Malachi 3:10 when God says for us to "try Him now in this...to see if He will not open for us the windows of heaven and pour out for us such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it..." The God of Heaven has proven His faithfulness to me and I know He will continue to do so. <3

       

      

A Prayer

"Teach us, Good Lord, to serve Thee as Thou deservest; to give and not to count the cost; to fight and not to heed the wounds; to toil and not to seek for rest; to labor and not to ask for any reward save that of knowing that we do Thy will. Through Jesus Christ our Lord." - Saint Ignatius of Loyola

Beautiful Things - Gungor Music & Lyric Video

No Clarifying Clause

I was watching an assigned YouTube video by Michael Wesch called Love and Marriage in the World Today. He is an anthropology professor who is presenting on what it means to be in love and married in today's society. Well, he presents a short clip from an Indian man who is explaining how parents convince their children to accept arranged marriage in the Indian culture. The young man states that one explanation parents give is comparing marriage to that of eating a sugar cane. He points out that the part of the cane that has the most sugar concentrate is at the bottom and as you work your way up the sugar's strength is slowly diluted with water until at the very top it is only water. These parents point out that love marriages are like eating a sugar cane from the bottom up. At first there is a lot of love and good feelings but the longer you are with the person the less "sugar" there is while with arranged marriages you start out at the top with no sugar but the longer you are with the person the  more "sugar" you find, as you work your way down the cane. It struck me. Perhaps there is some wisdom in distance?

Dr. Wesch tells the story of Triston and Isolde (the real story, not the movie version lol.) According to legend they drank a love potion and that is what caused them to fall in love...it was not of their own choosing. When Isolde's nurse finds out what they did she tells them, "you have drunk your death." Triston, after the potion has taken affect, tells her- "If by death you mean the agony of life, I'll accept that...if by agony of being discovered...I accept that as well...if by death you mean eternal damanation in the fires of hell...I accept that too."

Now I realize that this is just a story but to an extent isn't that how we have been taught to view love? Love seems to be synonymous with agony, extreme sacrifice, death, hurt, etc. Aren't those are the most "romantice" stories? The Notebook, Triston and Isolde, Beauty and the Beast, and the Little Mermaid...just to name a few. Someone is always hurt in the most romantic movies. I listen to people talk about how they don't like their significant others talking to the other sex because they view most of the opposite sex as "a potential threat." Why?...Because our view of love is tainted...

The other night the thought came to me- lust promotes bondage and conquest while true love promotes freedom and equality. I believe the best definition of love is found in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
I feel that the world's definition of love would go something like this:
"Love is patient...but when you've had a long day a little impatience is to be expected. Love is kind...of course if that person REALLY messed you over...well...then it's all about getting even. Envy shows you're desperate...but hey aren't we all desperate?! As for boasting- well if you did well...why not?! Ah, pride...that's what helps you stay safe... And that self-seeking part- if I don't watch out for myself who will?! The last part is just....unrealistic...always is a big word and equivalent to "a lot of work" and I already have a job."
Yet, there are no clarifying clauses in 1 Corinthians. Paul didn't say love always trusts...except when that hot girl is talking to your boyfriend...then you better go slap that chick before she sinks her teeth in your man because he might not be able to keep his hands off. Nope, he said love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Is it a high expectation? Most definitely. Can you do it on your own? Of course not. That's why God set the standard that high, so we would turn to Him and learn to experience the ultimate love.
Now I'm not saying arranged marriages are the answer. Yet, I'm saying perhaps we should re-think our defintion of what it means to love someone (and not just our significant other but also our parents, friends, siblings, etc) The Indians who have arranged marriages commit before truly knowing what it means to love the other while we commit to the other because we love and then when the feeling is gone because he snores, she can't cook, he works too much and she gained 20 lbs after having your children...well, then, the doubts start in- "maybe I could have found someone better...if I had just waited a little longer would Prince Charming or Sleeping Beauty have come into the scene?" Love gets hard and the marriage starts taking on water like a sinking ship and we jump before we even try to get the water out. We take the easy version of love, bouncing from love to love, hoping that one day the perfect one will magically bring out every good quality in you for the rest of your life. It's a nice thought but pretty unrealistic. We expect others to make us into people that only God can create.
So the question is- what is your definition of love?
<3

Iron Jawed Angels - Parade In Washington

A Story

My dad once told a story about a pastor who had a child. The man loved his son but one day the boy got sick. The man prayed, the family prayed, the church prayed, friends prayed. Yet, he only got worse and eventually he passed away.

It was a struggle for everyone to understand. Yet, the pastor kept going, kept preaching, kept the faith.

When a friend asked him how he was able to remain so strong after his little boy had passed away, the pastor looked at him and said, "I don't understand why it happened but I will not go to hell over a mystery."

Think about it.

i have found what you are like

i have found what you are like


the rain,

(Who feathers frightened fields
with the superior dust-of-sleep. wields

easily the pale club of the wind
and swirled justly souls of flower strike

the air in utterable coolness
deeds of green thrilling light
with thinned
newfragile yellows

lurch and.press
     -in the woods
               which
              stutter
               and
               sing

And the coolness of your smile is
stirring of birds between my arms; but
i should rather than anything

have(almost when hugeness will shut quietly) almost,
your kiss

A Typical Fashion

So as I seem to usually do at the end of each semester I am writing a post. Not quite sure what I'm wanting to write, just wanting to once again, put some of my thoughts out into the infinite void and see what comes of them. I just finished up my last fall semester and I'm trying to get my thoughts around the fact that I'm graduating next semester with a degree in Communication Studies. I keep making mental lists of everything I need to do in order to get ready for this hugely momentous change and since I know that my mind has a tendency to forget simple things like that I'm wanting to write them out. But not just on a random sheet of paper.
1. Pray about what God wants me to do
2. Write a resume
3. Compile and burn all my photos to CDs
4. Revamp my computer by deleting unecessary info
5. Help my dad with geneology info
6. Start looking into apartments
7. Budget, budget, budget
8. Did I mention a budget?
9. Job hunt
10. Practice piano

It's probably silly but I need goals for this break. I need something to keep my mind and body active to keep it from focusing on what I'm missing. I know that this is going to be one amazing Christmas break though and I'm expecting some changes to happen during it!

i carry your heart with me by e.e cummings

i carry your heart with me

(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it

(anywhere i go you go, my dear;

and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate

(for you are my fate,my sweet)

i want no world

(for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart

(i carry it in my heart)

Something's Gotta Change

(Wrote this a while ago...)

My fingers ache to write every thought that is flooding my mind but as we all know there is no real value in that. "Verbal vomit" is what I like to call it. Yet, I just wish there was some way to express the main ideas of my thoughts. I've been re-reading Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot, less about the passion and more about the purity. Let me define my terms as purity of the soul and not necessarily of the body. I feel that there has come a time in my own life in which purity of the soul is of intense importance. In fact it's as if that is where natural purity begins - when you gain Godly control over your mind, will and emotions then the body will follow.

Life has done a 180 and I'm now sitting alone under the tree along the road of my life. It stinks. I mean a relatively pretty girl who loves God and wants His best, alone. Who would have thought? Well, God, I suppose. I don't resent it nor am I bitter. Confused? A little. Hurt? Unfortunately but in it all I know God is there. Probably even a tad bit exasperated with me as I look at Him like a bewildered child trying to comprehend what He's doing.

I've found that most of humanity's main focus is a search to find their "soul mate." The term in and of itself indicates a sense of finality, of forever, of the one person who will complete them. There is a story by Plato in which he describes the idea of soulmates. He states that humans were originally made of four arms, four legs, and a single head with two faces. Zeus fearing their power split each of them in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for their other "half."

Sometimes this whole "soulmate" thing does feel like a curse; leaving me to question why can't I feel whole and complete within myself? Why are there periods of such loneliness that it feels like it might engulf me?
I have come to find that the search for a soulmate is one that has ultimately driven me to God, as it should. There's the quote- "A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her." I've never quite understood what that meant until now and even now the understanding is a little foggy but as I move closer to God there is this understanding that under His covering I am protected. Closer to Him my heart is protected and my mind, will and emotions are put more in check as I change my thinking to fit His.

Mrs. Elliot pointed out the manna from Heaven that the children of God ate in the wilderness was not something they especially cared for. Yet, it was the Heavenly food they needed. There are times when God gives us something we don't necessarily want but need. We would rather have it easy and tasteful, homemade bread with butter rather than some random thing that falls out of the sky, and yet by denying the tastes of the flesh we learn to appreciate the taste of Heaven. "Taste and see that the Lord is good."
Is it wrong to desire such "earthly" blessings? No. But- "All that is perfectly human and perfecly natural in us must first be offered. The body must be a living sacrifice; holy and acceptable to God. It does not become inhuman and unnatural by this offering, any more than the body God prepared for His Son Jesus, which was offered back to the Father, became inhuman and unnatural by His offering. It is still human; it is still natural. But it is holy. And acceptable."

Jim Elliot wrote in a letter to Elisabeth something that perfectly describes my fear- "What makes me tremble is that I might allow something else to take the place that my God should have."

Desires, love, hopes, dreams are all things that in and of themselves are good but when they come between God and myself they are only a hinderance. Ahh. It so hard! My heart cries out in exasperation from the pain and irritation of it. I trusted God. I believed Him. And now? Now I'm alone with so many doubts of what I thought I had heard that I don't even know what to believe about my future.

 It's so hard to put in words and I know I'm failing miserably so I'll stop. I just wish I could express it better. Perhaps one day I'll come to a full understanding of what God is trying to do. Perhaps not. Either way His will is going to be done. And I suppose that in the end, that's all that matters.

A Heart Like Granite

Established: 1. build on a firm or stable basis 2. to enact, appoint, or ordain for permanence

This last Sunday my daddy preached on an established heart. It's really stuck with me. An established heart has been something greatly lacking within my life. In James 1:6-8 it says, "But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do."  Doubt, the thing that once planted and ignored can grow like the sticker-burrs out in South Texas. What's worse if you don't completely remove them and protect the soil they'll come back eventually. My life has been filled with doubts and each one a seed that has been ignored for much of my 22 years. I suppose my experiences here in college just made it worse. I'm still a Christian and I believe most everything I've been taught since I was a little girl. Yet, the mistakes I've made have only further fueled the growth until the past couple of months I've wondered what I'm doing here in Kerrville, at Schreiner, just all around wondering. It's been frustrating and painful. Perhaps that's why the sermon has just stayed with me- it was the right thing at the right time...God knew I needed it. I need stability. I need constancy. I need an established heart and the only way I will develop it is through faith (and thus action) in the Word. I want to get to the point where I am completely convinced of God's will that nothing, and I mean nothing, will deter me from fulfilling it. No hurt, no silence, no time, no doubt, no lie, nothing. I want a heart like granite. Not in the hardened sense but in the sense that granite is well concrete. It's stable, unmovable, firm, unyielding to pressure. It doesn't give in. It's established.

A letter from war

A Wish
"I wonder as I watch the moon
Bump noses with a star
Are you watching too?
Or is it dark and rainy where you are,
And when I turn a radio dial
and hear some song that's new
I wonder if off where you are,
You might be listening too.
Do you day dream as I day-dream,
And miss me, too, my dear?
And when I'm wishing I were there,
Are you wishing you were here?
Your letters help a lot,
Each page is full of charm,
But, darling, they aren't quite enough,
For letters don't have arms."

The poem my grandpa sent my grandma while stationed in San Francisco getting ready to be shipped out during WWII.

Who I am?

Read this for nonverbal after taking a personality test. Found it interesting.

INFP: "Questor". These people are idealistic, self-sacrificing, and somewhat cool or reserved. They are very family and home oriented, but don't relax well. High capacity for caring. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 1% of the total population.

INFPs feel internal turmoil when they find themselves in situations in which there is conflict between their inner code of ethics and their relationships with others. They feel caught between pleasing others and maintaining their own integrity. Their natural tendency to identify with others, compounded with their self-sacrificial dispositions, tends to leave them confused as to who they really are. Their quiet personalities further feeds their feelings of depersonalization. The INFP's quest for self-identity then seems even more alluring — but increasingly impossible to attain.
As with all NFs, the INFP will feel lost and perplexed at stressful times. As stress builds, INFPs become disconnected from their own personality and perceived place in life. They will lose sight of who they are in relation to time and place. They may not make basic observations, while instead they will focus on the more abstract and symbolic meanings of a particular interaction. This can sometimes baffle those who expect more direct communication and a fairly concrete relationship.
Healers present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. But inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons, or about a favorite cause in the world at large. And their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community.

Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. They conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods. In fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. Set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity, Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism.

Also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. With parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. In truth, they are quite OK just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks.

At work, Healers are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. Because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. When making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. They have a natural interest in scholarly activities and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. They have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. Frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort.

"To Be Her Knight, You’ll Have To Bleed Like Any Other Fighter"

Somewhere along the way, Hollywood, and sometimes Church, has told us that Love is a simple affair. If this is “the One” then there will be no pain, no struggle, no differences, no complications, and once the dragons in your lives are slain, then you will live life enjoying endless appreciation (a wife that constantly showers you will respect and admiration and appreciation, never has PMS, never gets cranky, and is always in the mood, and cooks for you every night and all the rest). And girls get told the same thing, if this is “the One”, if this is True Love, he will learn how to dance, come to adore his mother-in-law, buy flowers every week, learn to play guitar, become a pastor and buy you a bigger house and newer car than any of your girlfriends have. He will not only be as spiritual as Billy Graham, but also be very successful in business and a hopeless romantic at home-and you’ll also have perfectly well behaved children that stay cute forever and never become teenagers. In effect, his armor will never get rusted and Cinderella will never scrub another floor or face another evil stepmother again. For the guys, in effect, she will always be ready to ride off into the sunset with you, never challenge you to polish your armor when its getting rusty, and to fight any other dragons for her.
This is not only false, but it is also damning. If we search history, hairytales, scriptures, and media, we will find only ONE person in the entirety of human history, and even human stories (films, novels, etc) that truly understood love. What did He say about love with His actions? Love is sacrifice. What did His followers say about loving a woman? Be willing to lay down your life. Sacrifice everything even though you could be made a fool in the end if she divorces you or doesn’t appreciate it, which makes a man very vulnerable. What did His followers say about a woman loving a man? Be willing to follow where He leads even if you think you know a better way (which is a huge sacrifice for a modern woman and makes her very vulnerable).

If we are to Love, if we are to fight off the MULTITUDE of dragons in each others lives CONSTANTLY (men have their monsters under the bed as well, and a little feminine tenderness and respect/appreciation is the nightlight needed to keep it at bay),then we must be willing to bleed like a Knight.

Ever notice how nobody ever gets wounded in the fairly tales? In real life, that doesn’t happen. Dragons have teeth, and claws, and breathe fire. When you decide to fight for someone held captive by anything (low-self esteem, impossible media expectations, childhood trauma, unsatisfying job, illness and injury, or just the disappointment and despair common to mankind) you WILL get burned, bitten, and clawed. There is no way around it. As men, we only fight the battles we are certain we will win, because nothing is worse than returning home both wounded AND defeated, double-shame. The problem is that there are few enemies left defeated so easily, a little battle is only a little victory, and with it, only a short-lived and uneasy peace. To face the demons in life, in a way that they’re not coming back, will require you to take a few blows-sometimes to your ego, sometimes to your career, sometimes to your finances, sometimes to your heart. Jars of Clay sang it true- ‘Love Breaks the Back of Foolish Pride”. If you fear getting your heart broken, fear losing everything in the battle, fear looking like a fool, then you will never be free to Love. Love and fear are opposites, you can’t serve both of these masters. Courage is not pretending or believing you’ll never be hurt, courage is accepting these things are necessary risk for something well worth the chance at being bitten, clawed and burned, where it hurts you in the most vulnerable and broken places- pride, respect, your old wounds, your capability, competency, your Heart. Or for a woman, she might have to risk her beauty and tenderness in being rejected. In order to keep the monsters under her man's bed at bay, to return him to her, she might have place the best medicine in her porcelain heart, and set it into a raging river, and hope that it makes it down the shore to where he is licking his wounds in order to bring him home. All the whole hoping her fragile heart isn’t once again dashed against the stone as it has been before.

The Heart is a good thing, in the past we have been told “it is wicked above all things”, but once you come to faith in Messiah, then you are given a new heart, one that guides you into the battles that you can win though they come at great price, one that gives you courage, one that can truly love. This new heart in you is capable of fighting, and the heart of someone you love, is worth fighting for, its worth risking new wounds being made and old ones being attacked. To be her Knight, you must sometimes bleed like one. Small battles are only small victories that bring a short lived and uneasy peace. If you want lasting peace, you’ve got to get up close and personal, right where the claws and teeth are ready to rip you to piece, and chop its head off.


Love and Live with Truth and Honor,
Article by Brian Newman

Even Till

I wait.
Dear Lord, Thy ways
Are past fnding out,
Thy love too high.
O hold me still
Beneath Thy shadow.
It is enough that Thou
Lift up the light
Of Thy countenance.
I wait-
Because I am commanded
So to do. My mind
Is filled with wonderings.
My soul asks "Why?"
ut then the quiet word,
"Wait thou only
Upon God."
And so, not even for the light
To show a step ahead,
But for Thee, dear Lord,
I wait.

-Elisabeth Elliot

"Sometime"

Sometime, when all life's lessons have learned,
And sun and stars forevermore have set,
The things which our weak judgments here have spurned,
The things o'er which we grieved with lashes wet,
Will flash before us out of life's dark night,
As stars shine most in deeper tints of blue;
And we shall see how all God's plans are right,
And how what seemed reproof was love most true.
Then be content poor hear;
God's plans, like lilies pure and white, unfold;
we must not tear the close-shut leaves apart,
Time will reveal the chalices of gold.
And if, through patient toil, we reach the land
Where tired feet,with sandals loosed, may rest,
When we sall clearly see and understand,
I think that we will say, "God knew the best!"

-May Riley Smith-

Silence isn't always a bad thing.

     So yesterday during my class at church I was looking over Genesis 2 and 3. I noticed something rather intriguing. Someone somewhere has probably noticed this before but I've never heard it myself. You see in Genesis 2 God makes man, Adam and He takes him, puts him in the garden to tend and keep it. Then God command Adam, "Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die." I can picture Adam all wide eyed and bleary, having just been created will do that to you. He nods, understanding but obviously not quite hiding the words in his heart since we all know how the story ends. Anywho, the very next thing God says is that man shouldn't be alone so He makes all the creatures but none of them would do for our first man. He's a star, a hero of sorts, the leading man and well, God knows our leading man needs a leading woman, a heroine, a damsel to save...that sort of thing. So God knocks Adam out, takes a rib and forms it into our wonderful mother of all humanity, Eve. Adam wakes up, sees this beautiful woman, claims her, calls her "woman." So we're all feeling good right now. I'm thinking sweet. God created these two great people. They have awesome communion with Him, they know His voice clearly, they experience Him in the most purest way possible. The thing I noticed was that Moses never speaks of God telling Eve to not eat of the tree. He tells Adam rather straight forwardly but He is shown to have told the same thing to Eve.
    Perhaps this wouldn't be a big deal until you re-read chapter 3 with this realization. Verse one starts out, "Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field...and he said to the woman, "has God indeed said..." First of all, the Word states Satan was cunning. He knew exactly who he needed to attack first to create the downfall of humanity. He knew the weaknesses of Adam and Eve. He goes straight to Eve planting the small seed of doubt, "did God REALLY say that...?" I can just see Eve's thought process. "Well, I'm not really sure. God didn't actually ever tell ME not to eat of the tree. Adam just said that's what He said but perhaps my husband got it all wrong...." Yet, holding on to the fact that Adam said God has said it she tells the serpent what's what. "...God has said, 'You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.'" Good for her! She tried!
   Our evil villian says to our unsuspecting heroine, "You will not surely die! For God knows that in that day...you will be like God, knowing good and evil." Eve's face must have been one of such innocent surprise. "What?! God is keeping something from me? Why would He do such a thing? Oh Adam must have misunderstood Him! Besides my dear is standing right beside me and not speaking up....hmmm maybe this slithery guy's got something..?" She takes the fruit, eats it, hands it to her silent hubby and he, in his absolute betrayal to not only his wife but also his God, takes a bite.
   (Now as a qualifying statement, in no way am I saying this what Adam and Eve thought. It's just a revelation that God hit me over the head with mixed with some of my imagination.)
   Ok. So stay with me. How many times have men been told things by God that their wives, mothers, and sisters were not privy to? How many times did God tell Moses, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph, just to name a few, things that He is not recorded to have said to the women in their lives? Yet, here's the thing that blows me away....these women followed them! Now, here's where I come in and perhaps you. If your husband, father, or male spiritual leader told you to do something because that is what God told him to do and thus you must follow...will you obey even if God never directly spoke to you about it? Will you, as Sarai did, pack up everything you had to leave the only thing you ever knew? Would you, as Martha had to learn, respect the male authority in your life enough to keep your mouth shut even if you don't agree with his decisions? Or what about Mary? She had to pick up and move several times with Joseph but God only spoke to him through his dreams.
  Talk about one tough challenge. Can I, as a rather independent woman, follow, obey, and trust the male leaders God has placed in my life without questioning their wisdom and their ability to hear God? Can I keep my doubts at bay just because God didn't deem it necessary to reveal it all to darling little me?? Heavy stuff for us women. In this day women are taught to do it all on their own but I wonder if God really wants it that way? If so then why does God tell us to submit to our husbands? Why do all these women in the Bible obey without rebellion? I'm sure they had a few questions. I'm sure they had to pray through many times but in the end they obeyed. They didn't allow Satan to plant a seed of doubt just because they hadn't heard God directly. They didn't as, Lot's wife, turn back in rebellion to, not only her husband, but God, holding on to the home that would be destroyed.
  I just don't want to be like Eve or Lot's wife. I want to be like Sarah (well to an extent,) Rahab, Ruth, Esther, and Mary. Women who trusted God in their men so much they were willing to do whatever was necesary to support them.
  I realize that the men have to prove themselves...but again to an extent. It sure helps but what about when they aren't exactly on top of everything? Does that discount their God ordained leadership? Do mistakes on their part make it okay for us to listen to the rebellious whisper of Satan and to rebel against God? I don't think so.
  It's just a thought, a rather long one but a sincere one.