Broken voice and a twisted smile.

Sorry, these seem to be taking a turn for the melancholy. Sigh. Today we found out that someone in my life has cancer on their kidney. Pray for them, please? They're going to have to have their kidney taken out and possibly their bladder. It will be tough on them and the family. Life has been a little difficult lately. I don't know why. Possibly just my body getting used to be alone again or just my spirit not at rest. Either way, I'm not getting good sleep at night and it's affecting my mood at work....well, pretty much everywhere I go. I want to spend money in hopes (I'm thinking) that it will make me feel complete, which is stupid. I know. Yet, a girl's got to try something! I'm struggling with somethings. Once again being "abandoned" I seem to becoming angry at God again. No, that's not the right word. I feel.......well.....let down. By myself and Him. Why did He create me to be so flippin' stupid??? To fall so easily for things that only hurt me in the end?? How do I fix this? How do I stop trusting and start disbelieving the lies people tell me?? I don't want to continue on the path I'm on. Yet, I'm scared out of my wits to try something new. I'm in what they would call a Catch 22. I'm so tense tonight. Restless. Tired. Sick. Stressed. I don't want to fight it. I'd rather just let it sweep me away tonight. Sigh. I guess I'm going to try to sleep. Perhaps it will all turn out ok in the end. Shrug. I just don't know anymore.