Somewhere along the way I got lost.

I have been thinking lately how messed up everything has gotten the past year. (Wow, a year has already passed?!?! What what?!?) Well, really the past hrm let's see.....February till now. I don't blame anyone or anything like that. I just up and decided this past February to see how far away from God I can go without actually turning my back on Him. Stupid stupid stupid! Yes? Blargh. And the worst part is that I can actually point my finger at other people who do the same thing!! What a crazy stupid thing. EeeeSh. I had so many dreams and desires and ideas and plans. Now. I have nothing. No aspirations. No ideas. No dreams. I'm in a spiritual and emotional dead-end. I almost feel like I'm dead inside. Yet, the weird thing is that I'm ok with it. That's the terrible part....I think..... I've lost my passion for everything. Except for traveling and even that's slowly dying inside me. Now that is a big deal. That's when you know something's royally screwed up in me. When the thing that describes me perfectly loses it's meaning in my life. Sigh. I can't even tell you why. Why I've decided to take this path. Why I can't go to church with a smile anymore. Why Christian music just annoys me now. Why I haven't really prayed in months. Why I'm so freaking terrified to pray. Why I have this strange feeling that once I do God's going to ask me to do something I can't, won't want to, or that's too hard. Where has my determination gone? Where has my love for life gone? I'm not depressed. I want to hang out with people. I want to laugh. I want to have a good time. Perhaps I'm just making too big of a deal of this. Maybe it's just a slump. I'm not trying to be this way. Yet, I'm not trying to change either. Sigh. The paradox of being me. I can't live this way. I really can't. Something is going to have to change. My life isn't THAT bad at all. I'm not THAT bad either. I could be worse. So there's something good! hahaha....sigh. Anyway. Don't really know the point of writing anymore. Shrug. We'll see. Well, here's another look at the psycho dramatic life if me....maybe one day that will change. :) One can always hope! hahaha.......