Birthday wishes....

Another terrible one....

The tears come and I can't seem to stop them but the soft breeze slowly dried them making slight tear stains on my cheeks. The fragrance of summer comes creeping up to me like an elusive butterfly. I can't quite define the smell and so I just rest in the fact that it is distinctly summer. I look up at the stars feeling the awe once again. The sound of the wind in the trees brings back memories of a little girl who desired to never grow up but to always be the fliting hummingbird dancing from one flower to another never becoming tired and ever happy. Yet now I am ever tired and never happy. The wind whips my hair and I feel as if, for a moment, I could just fly into the sky from any hurt or pain that might find me here. Oh, to have the wing of an eagle! To be able to fly to the heights of God's love and then to rest on the currents of his unfailing mercy. I can feel the presence of God in those stars. They give me great hope in times of crisis that so often seems to come my way. I can look up at the stars and know that Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob saw most of the same stars that I am looking up at thousands of years later. That despite every other inconsistency in my life the stars will always be there. The swing slowly squeaks as I rock. It gives me a sense of comfort. My tears have finally stopped. What caused them? I don't know but I do know what made them go away. The ever present stars that give earth light when none else can be found.

Not very good....

My hands were battered, bloody from the crawl, scraped on the sharp rocks of life. So often I cried out....begging for someone to come and help me, scared of falling, yet fearing to rise. So I crawled, not stopping, slowly up the hill. There were many times when I slipped, falling down, and I had to pick myself back up. That was hard. I was in pain, wondering if I would ever make it, wondering if I was alone in my journey. I often felt the fleeting presense of something greater, of someone who could help me. Yet, I couldn't let go and see if it was true. I had to do this myself. Then one day I made it to the top. There standing before me was the most glorious mad. His hands were battered and scarred just as mine were. His feet were bloody too. I wondered if he had crawled up the hill as I had. When I asked him how his hands and feet had become so torn he answered- cutting me straight to my heart," I crawled so you could walk, I slipped so you could trod safely, I fell so you could stand tall, I cut for you, I bled for you. For you I died. For you I lived." I wept, realizing that I had hurt for no reason. I could have let go and been safe, but I was too stubborn, too prideful.....too rebellious.....too hurt.

Aye yi yi!!!

So school has been going on for the past 4 months and everything is finally catching up with me. I've moved on from past relationships and started new ones. Sigh.....its amazing...But on the flip side...stress is starting to set in...finals, exams, quizes, papers, papers.....oh did I mention papers!!! Ugh. Then trying to decide on a major, finding a church, figuring out a class schedule for next semester, dealing with money, AND having a social life....not exactly the easiest thing in the world. Unfortunately I have decided that France will have to wait another year. It makes me sad but I don't want to be stressed over my dreams. Dreams are supposed to be fun not crazy, annoying, and stressful. So I'll wait till next year...hopefully everything will fall into place better. Sigh. So close to that one thing I want most in life...only to have to decide to sacrifice it. Irritating to say the least. I can't wait for Christmas but at the same time I'm going to miss the people I've met here. Sniff. As the darling Scarlett O'Hara once said..."I'll think about that tomorrow." Yep that's about the best thing I can do for somethings. Just don't think about it. I know I know! Denial never helped anyone...well it didn't exactly hurt them either. oy vey....I need to read some literature for english. So I will away....Till next time....