Ok. So I've just bought a book called "Beside Every Good Man" by Serita Ann Jakes (wife of T.D. Jakes.) I'm only a few pages into it and already had to stop so I could process the information. So I'm going to adress two issues right here because you're probably wondering them. 1. Why am I reading a book about being a supportive wife when I am not a wife? and 2. Why I already had to stop reading to blog my thoughts?
In response to your first assumed question- well, I've realized something. I'm TERRIFIED that I'm going to get a divorce. Now I know you're probably sitting there thinking, "well Kathleen if you marry the man that God has for you it won't be a problem." You're right. It shouldn't be. But even still I know that I have issues when it comes to relating to men that will cause problems throughout my life. So I'm trying to read books that can give me Godly insight on how to better relate to men, how to establish strong relationships and realize who I am away from men and close to God. If you've read my previous blogs you can tell (I think) that I've been struggling with things. Well as an update/explanation for the first time last night, I think, I prayed that God's will be done in my life. For the first time in a while I actually became scared that what I think I want might actually be God's will! Retarded. I know. That's Kathleen for ya. But the fact is.....I PRAYED FOR God's will IN MY LIFE! It's a freeing thought to know that I'm on the right track. That I'm taking steps forward in my walk with God, small as they may be. Sigh. Let's pray that I keep walking forward and not slip back into disrepair cause Satan is flippin' over this. Idiot. Ugh. Anyway....
On to the second question.
So why did I have to stop reading to write this rather extensive blog? I've realize something. Oh man. This is big. Probably not to you but to me...this epiphany....is huge. My relationships are directly affected by my relationship (or lack thereof) with God. I MUST stand alone with God before I can truly offer myself as a Godly wife. Holy freakin' cow! I mean seriously! I can't even begin to tell you what this does to my heart, mind, body, soul. One thing I can say- it's not exactly a....jumping for joy moment. I knew this summer was going to be good for something. ;) God is going to move in my life this summer and beyond. You have no idea how....anxious..... I am to see the finished product. Even though we're never truly finished becoming who God has created us to be. "Count it pure joy when the world comes crashing. Hold your head up and keep on dancing." Anyway. Since I can't truly explain how I'm feeling I'm going to stop trying. :) Love you and be blessed by this one life God has given! Goodnight!!!!
Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Why do we have to break in order to heal?
So I've just read my posts from as far back as January. Wow. That's all I can say. It makes me sad to see the downward spiral my life has taken. I hate that I was so "strong" and now I'm so "weak." Oh how to change the drastic change? How do I grasp onto that faith and hope and love and contentment again? How do I become the person I no longer am? Questions that I know the answers to I just don't want to put the work into it. Hm...I think I'm finally learning what it means to have a personal relationship with God....a relationship outside of the comfort of a home where your father is a pastor....a relationship outside of the church you've grown up in since you were 6.....a relationship outside of the town you've lived in almost all your life. These struggles don't make me horrible or less of a Christian....they make me human. Yet, I know that I can't sit here and blog about these things without making them a part of my life. Action is the only thing that will fix this. So that's what I need to pray for- that God will give me the gumption to act.
On a side note- mainly writing this because I'm bored and it is now sufficiently stuck in my head.... I started reading "New Moon" by Stephenie Meyer again. It's about vampires for anyone who hasn't read it yet. Now once again before you freak out on me....there is not horrible gore or stupidness....or well much of anything....mainly because the vampires in this book are different. They don't suck human blood. Gasp! I know! What an amazing twist! haha....ANYWAY. But the point is- these people/vampires are turned into vampires. They do not become evil in and of themselves. Not only that but they train themselves to work AGAINST their nature, to defy the senses and all expectations. Doesn't that remind you of real people? Now I know I'm digging WAY too deep into a book that was written for pure pleasure but still. It's an interesting thought that I won't finish. ;) But now its out of my mind and on this blog. haha....thanks for understanding.....
On a side note- mainly writing this because I'm bored and it is now sufficiently stuck in my head.... I started reading "New Moon" by Stephenie Meyer again. It's about vampires for anyone who hasn't read it yet. Now once again before you freak out on me....there is not horrible gore or stupidness....or well much of anything....mainly because the vampires in this book are different. They don't suck human blood. Gasp! I know! What an amazing twist! haha....ANYWAY. But the point is- these people/vampires are turned into vampires. They do not become evil in and of themselves. Not only that but they train themselves to work AGAINST their nature, to defy the senses and all expectations. Doesn't that remind you of real people? Now I know I'm digging WAY too deep into a book that was written for pure pleasure but still. It's an interesting thought that I won't finish. ;) But now its out of my mind and on this blog. haha....thanks for understanding.....
I must have walked too close to love because now I'm falling in.
So for the past two days I've sat on my bed and stared at the computer....a-l-l day.... Pathetic? sure. Boring? you bet. Do I regret it? nope. :) I'm the product of public schools. Now that's something I'm starting to regret but we can't change the past now can we? So I just gotta move on. haha... Anyway. I would just like to say that I love 3 Doors Down. I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing yet because I could have sworn they were Christian (well the lyrics anyway.) Good thing I never did because I do believe I'm completely wrong! I still like them though. They have some pretty nice lyrics and sound a lot like Nickleback without the cussing. So that's the plus for me! I curled my hair today but with my bangs cut straight across my face it makes me look too much like a little girl. Sigh. I HATE it when my fashion ideas don't work out but if that's the worst thing that happens to me I'll have a pretty nice life.
Yet, I digress. The reason I've stared at my computer for the past two days is that I've two wonderful bloggers. As mentioned the second to last post, I have found the perfect human family. It's a kind of joke with myself to basically make myself feel better about how imperfect I am. I know they aren't perfect...not even close....but reading these two women's posts make me feel like I'm reading from one of Karen Kingsbury's (I think that's how you spell it.... :S ) books. How can two women posses such faith and trust in God despite the trials and tribulations they have to endure on a daily bases?? As I read these blogs my first thought is, "I wish I was like them," but my next thought jumps in (much like the proverbial angel and demon on the shoulders) saying, "haha...what a joke...you'll NEVER be like them! Look at your life now. See how badly you've screwed up? That's what the rest of your life will be like. So no point in trying." sigh. I wish for the time in my life when I'm no longer wishing. I mean, there's a sense of romanticism in being a dreamer, it's nice and fun but there comes a point in one's life when dreaming is no longer enough. I want reality. (haha...if anyone is reading this that has known me for a long time...you're gasping right now from surprise. ;) It's cool. I understand, I did too.) I just want to be happy in God's will...but the catch is that I want God's will to match what I want....and we all know that's probably not going to happen. So I'm waiting, holding on to what I want, not praying about it until I decide to do what God wants me to do. See the thing is I'm not even praying about what I do have because I'm so scared that God's going to tell me to let it go....granted He also might not but I'm not willing to take the chance. Ay yi yi. What a tangled web we weave when at first we do deceive. I know that my lack of prayer and Bible reading is not only hurting myself but everyone around me. Not directly, mind you, but its hurting me so its going to hurt my relationships with the people I love....that's just how it works out. Oh dear, just thinking about it makes me tense up and sad. How can these relationships be wrong if they drive me to better myself?? Thanks to these relationships I have read REAL books- aka psychology and not romance- one after the other trying to figure some stuff out and before you go and get your knickers in a knot the books I'm reading are written by good Godly women....well would you say Dr. Laura Schlesinger (spelling it phonetically, haha) is Godly? Anyway, my point is that I love my new relationships and I'm terrified that God is going to take these apparent good relationships away from me. So I just don't know. It appears as if I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Welp, I'm losing focus and probably not making anymore sense. So I'm off. I'll let you know my theological progress as well as my psychological...oh and my relationships....OH! AND....my first few days back at Wal-Mart. (Play scary movie music here....) Sigh pray for me cause I'm gonna need it.
Yet, I digress. The reason I've stared at my computer for the past two days is that I've two wonderful bloggers. As mentioned the second to last post, I have found the perfect human family. It's a kind of joke with myself to basically make myself feel better about how imperfect I am. I know they aren't perfect...not even close....but reading these two women's posts make me feel like I'm reading from one of Karen Kingsbury's (I think that's how you spell it.... :S ) books. How can two women posses such faith and trust in God despite the trials and tribulations they have to endure on a daily bases?? As I read these blogs my first thought is, "I wish I was like them," but my next thought jumps in (much like the proverbial angel and demon on the shoulders) saying, "haha...what a joke...you'll NEVER be like them! Look at your life now. See how badly you've screwed up? That's what the rest of your life will be like. So no point in trying." sigh. I wish for the time in my life when I'm no longer wishing. I mean, there's a sense of romanticism in being a dreamer, it's nice and fun but there comes a point in one's life when dreaming is no longer enough. I want reality. (haha...if anyone is reading this that has known me for a long time...you're gasping right now from surprise. ;) It's cool. I understand, I did too.) I just want to be happy in God's will...but the catch is that I want God's will to match what I want....and we all know that's probably not going to happen. So I'm waiting, holding on to what I want, not praying about it until I decide to do what God wants me to do. See the thing is I'm not even praying about what I do have because I'm so scared that God's going to tell me to let it go....granted He also might not but I'm not willing to take the chance. Ay yi yi. What a tangled web we weave when at first we do deceive. I know that my lack of prayer and Bible reading is not only hurting myself but everyone around me. Not directly, mind you, but its hurting me so its going to hurt my relationships with the people I love....that's just how it works out. Oh dear, just thinking about it makes me tense up and sad. How can these relationships be wrong if they drive me to better myself?? Thanks to these relationships I have read REAL books- aka psychology and not romance- one after the other trying to figure some stuff out and before you go and get your knickers in a knot the books I'm reading are written by good Godly women....well would you say Dr. Laura Schlesinger (spelling it phonetically, haha) is Godly? Anyway, my point is that I love my new relationships and I'm terrified that God is going to take these apparent good relationships away from me. So I just don't know. It appears as if I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Welp, I'm losing focus and probably not making anymore sense. So I'm off. I'll let you know my theological progress as well as my psychological...oh and my relationships....OH! AND....my first few days back at Wal-Mart. (Play scary movie music here....) Sigh pray for me cause I'm gonna need it.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
My Nightlight
So as I was getting ready to go to bed I switched on the nightlight in the bathroom a habit that was established in me when I was just a little girl. But I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with God. I've really been struggling. I'm ashamed to admit it. But tonight as I switched on that precious nightlight a thought hit me. God is my nightlight. I know. I know. It sounds cheesy. Oh goodness. Why am I so frightened by the very thought of obeying God?! Why am I so sure that He's going to ask the impossible of me?! Why am I refusing to even hear Him out?! Or maybe I am doing His will but I'm freaking myself out with all this worrying. Sigh I don't know. Ha. When do I ever know? I need to make some progress and soon. Life is moving quickly past me and if I don't figure some stuff out soon I'll miss the train. Blargh. My head hurts.
Speaking tongue-tied.
So I have finally met the perfect family. Not really but it certainly appears that way from the outside looking in. Haha...I almost don't want to blog anymore. If you want to read about some amazing people just message me and I will direct you to them because you won't find them here on mine. Blah. Oh well. God has given a set of talents to each person and it appears I'm lacking in all meaningful creative things. I'm good at being self-absorbed though.....do you think God would give someone that kind of talent? hrm. Thought to ponder. Anyway. On to my life. That's hasn't been documented on here for a month now. :S
The last month of my freshman year was an exciting but stressful mix of new relationships, skipping class, nearly failing classes, getting a new job, learning how to let go of some stupidity that had become part of my life due to my own selfishness and figuring out my relationship with God.
On the subject of new relationships- he's an amazing mix of different and same-ness. He was a friend before we ever tried to establish anything. Hallelujah. He's in a band and not just a band but a rock band. Despite the fact that I'm not a huge fan of hard music that I find difficult to understand...this band is different......he has an amazing voice with which he accentuates by using clear diction (I'm not a choir nerd....) and writes truly wonderful/amazing/moving songs. He treats me well and we're friends....honestly right now that's all I need.
Classes were ugh. I'm having to pray about my lack of drive when it comes to grades, homework, and my life in general. I just didn't care. My IS class was an 8 o'clock class that taught you how to use Word. Seriously, how many people DON'T know how to use Word?! Sheesh. It was more than that but at the same time it strangely wasn't. My history class was easy. I only read like 6 chapter the entire semester. That was nice. But at the same time I'm ashamed about it because I didn't learn much of anything substantial. Talk about seeing how little I could do to get by. Sigh. My fitness class was ok in the end. I'm glad that I had the professor I did now. He expected us to actually....gasp....work out for our grade! At first I liked that fact, then I started to resent it, but now I appreciate it. I'm even running/walking two miles several times a week. (Although that might sadly change due to Wal-Mart quickly taking over my life in the next week.....sad day.) I feel good when I think about running or actually go running because I know I'm finally doing something good for my body. Choir is now non-existent. I'm glad but at the same time sad. I love singing but I hate the politics of choir. Anyway. Moving on....
I'm so excited about my new work study job next semester and my position on the Judicial Board! yeah....so far that's all I can say about those two subjects....I have dreams to do special things with both positions but I don't want to get ahead of myself. :)
Oh dear me, letting go. So I've finished this past week two books on understanding men and how they think. "The Care and Proper Feeding of Husbands" and "Women Only" were written by two complete different women but talk about the same exact subjects. It was pretty amazing. I can't even begin to explain how amazing these two books are. I sincerely advise EVERY woman to read them. So I've been trying really hard to let go of my warped view of men and realize how men really think and live and feel. I've decided I'm not going to go into it. Its something that can only be appreciated in deed. Words don't mean much in this area. I read once that words are like a whisper but actions are like a thunderclap. I like that. There's so much truth in it.
Now on to the one subject I can't even begin to express properly. I don't read my Bible or pray like I should....in other words.....not at all. I hate it. I think a huge part of it is that I'm terrified that God is going to ask me to do something that 1. I can't and/or 2. I won't want to. As the pastor's daughter I am I know that God will work in me to will and do His good pleasure and that greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. Yet, I'm terrified to let go and let God. The hardest thing for me to do right now is to trust God. To trust that this- invisible to the human eye- being has my best interest at heart and that everything He has planned for my life is better than what I want or could have planned. I'm so scared, terrified even, that the life I'm living is completely and entirely wrong. That the friends I have are wrong. The school I'm going to is wrong. The major I'm thinking about is wrong. The questions I'm thinking are wrong. I'm scared that I'm just...wrong. Silly to anyone reading this probably but its real in my mind and heart. I just need to figure out what why I'm here. There are things that I'm 95% sure of:
1. I'm a Christian.
2. I'm supposed to go to Paris/Europe
3. I'm going to either adopt or become a foster parent.
4. I want to help people with their problems.
But other than that....I'm lost. So this summer is going to be about finding myself as defined by God......Sheesh....Just saying that makes me want to run and hide. Sigh.
So that's a brush-up on the life of me. I'm off to find myself. :) Be back soon!
The last month of my freshman year was an exciting but stressful mix of new relationships, skipping class, nearly failing classes, getting a new job, learning how to let go of some stupidity that had become part of my life due to my own selfishness and figuring out my relationship with God.
On the subject of new relationships- he's an amazing mix of different and same-ness. He was a friend before we ever tried to establish anything. Hallelujah. He's in a band and not just a band but a rock band. Despite the fact that I'm not a huge fan of hard music that I find difficult to understand...this band is different......he has an amazing voice with which he accentuates by using clear diction (I'm not a choir nerd....) and writes truly wonderful/amazing/moving songs. He treats me well and we're friends....honestly right now that's all I need.
Classes were ugh. I'm having to pray about my lack of drive when it comes to grades, homework, and my life in general. I just didn't care. My IS class was an 8 o'clock class that taught you how to use Word. Seriously, how many people DON'T know how to use Word?! Sheesh. It was more than that but at the same time it strangely wasn't. My history class was easy. I only read like 6 chapter the entire semester. That was nice. But at the same time I'm ashamed about it because I didn't learn much of anything substantial. Talk about seeing how little I could do to get by. Sigh. My fitness class was ok in the end. I'm glad that I had the professor I did now. He expected us to actually....gasp....work out for our grade! At first I liked that fact, then I started to resent it, but now I appreciate it. I'm even running/walking two miles several times a week. (Although that might sadly change due to Wal-Mart quickly taking over my life in the next week.....sad day.) I feel good when I think about running or actually go running because I know I'm finally doing something good for my body. Choir is now non-existent. I'm glad but at the same time sad. I love singing but I hate the politics of choir. Anyway. Moving on....
I'm so excited about my new work study job next semester and my position on the Judicial Board! yeah....so far that's all I can say about those two subjects....I have dreams to do special things with both positions but I don't want to get ahead of myself. :)
Oh dear me, letting go. So I've finished this past week two books on understanding men and how they think. "The Care and Proper Feeding of Husbands" and "Women Only" were written by two complete different women but talk about the same exact subjects. It was pretty amazing. I can't even begin to explain how amazing these two books are. I sincerely advise EVERY woman to read them. So I've been trying really hard to let go of my warped view of men and realize how men really think and live and feel. I've decided I'm not going to go into it. Its something that can only be appreciated in deed. Words don't mean much in this area. I read once that words are like a whisper but actions are like a thunderclap. I like that. There's so much truth in it.
Now on to the one subject I can't even begin to express properly. I don't read my Bible or pray like I should....in other words.....not at all. I hate it. I think a huge part of it is that I'm terrified that God is going to ask me to do something that 1. I can't and/or 2. I won't want to. As the pastor's daughter I am I know that God will work in me to will and do His good pleasure and that greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. Yet, I'm terrified to let go and let God. The hardest thing for me to do right now is to trust God. To trust that this- invisible to the human eye- being has my best interest at heart and that everything He has planned for my life is better than what I want or could have planned. I'm so scared, terrified even, that the life I'm living is completely and entirely wrong. That the friends I have are wrong. The school I'm going to is wrong. The major I'm thinking about is wrong. The questions I'm thinking are wrong. I'm scared that I'm just...wrong. Silly to anyone reading this probably but its real in my mind and heart. I just need to figure out what why I'm here. There are things that I'm 95% sure of:
1. I'm a Christian.
2. I'm supposed to go to Paris/Europe
3. I'm going to either adopt or become a foster parent.
4. I want to help people with their problems.
But other than that....I'm lost. So this summer is going to be about finding myself as defined by God......Sheesh....Just saying that makes me want to run and hide. Sigh.
So that's a brush-up on the life of me. I'm off to find myself. :) Be back soon!
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