So for the past two days I've sat on my bed and stared at the computer....a-l-l day.... Pathetic? sure. Boring? you bet. Do I regret it? nope. :) I'm the product of public schools. Now that's something I'm starting to regret but we can't change the past now can we? So I just gotta move on. haha... Anyway. I would just like to say that I love 3 Doors Down. I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing yet because I could have sworn they were Christian (well the lyrics anyway.) Good thing I never did because I do believe I'm completely wrong! I still like them though. They have some pretty nice lyrics and sound a lot like Nickleback without the cussing. So that's the plus for me! I curled my hair today but with my bangs cut straight across my face it makes me look too much like a little girl. Sigh. I HATE it when my fashion ideas don't work out but if that's the worst thing that happens to me I'll have a pretty nice life.
Yet, I digress. The reason I've stared at my computer for the past two days is that I've two wonderful bloggers. As mentioned the second to last post, I have found the perfect human family. It's a kind of joke with myself to basically make myself feel better about how imperfect I am. I know they aren't perfect...not even close....but reading these two women's posts make me feel like I'm reading from one of Karen Kingsbury's (I think that's how you spell it.... :S ) books. How can two women posses such faith and trust in God despite the trials and tribulations they have to endure on a daily bases?? As I read these blogs my first thought is, "I wish I was like them," but my next thought jumps in (much like the proverbial angel and demon on the shoulders) saying, "haha...what a joke...you'll NEVER be like them! Look at your life now. See how badly you've screwed up? That's what the rest of your life will be like. So no point in trying." sigh. I wish for the time in my life when I'm no longer wishing. I mean, there's a sense of romanticism in being a dreamer, it's nice and fun but there comes a point in one's life when dreaming is no longer enough. I want reality. (haha...if anyone is reading this that has known me for a long time...you're gasping right now from surprise. ;) It's cool. I understand, I did too.) I just want to be happy in God's will...but the catch is that I want God's will to match what I want....and we all know that's probably not going to happen. So I'm waiting, holding on to what I want, not praying about it until I decide to do what God wants me to do. See the thing is I'm not even praying about what I do have because I'm so scared that God's going to tell me to let it go....granted He also might not but I'm not willing to take the chance. Ay yi yi. What a tangled web we weave when at first we do deceive. I know that my lack of prayer and Bible reading is not only hurting myself but everyone around me. Not directly, mind you, but its hurting me so its going to hurt my relationships with the people I love....that's just how it works out. Oh dear, just thinking about it makes me tense up and sad. How can these relationships be wrong if they drive me to better myself?? Thanks to these relationships I have read REAL books- aka psychology and not romance- one after the other trying to figure some stuff out and before you go and get your knickers in a knot the books I'm reading are written by good Godly women....well would you say Dr. Laura Schlesinger (spelling it phonetically, haha) is Godly? Anyway, my point is that I love my new relationships and I'm terrified that God is going to take these apparent good relationships away from me. So I just don't know. It appears as if I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Welp, I'm losing focus and probably not making anymore sense. So I'm off. I'll let you know my theological progress as well as my psychological...oh and my relationships....OH! AND....my first few days back at Wal-Mart. (Play scary movie music here....) Sigh pray for me cause I'm gonna need it.
No comments:
Post a Comment