Drowning.

I'm going to hold onto the hope that I have in Christ. Sometimes that's all we can do.

Lovely and lonely.

So I just finished watching "Jane Austen Regrets." A relatively glorious redention of her life. It was in short....amazing. Sigh. Poor poor Jane. I guess that is the whole point of the movie was to make you pity the poor woman. It worked for me. Sigh. I've been thinking (yes, I know the mind is a powerful and wicked thing) about the question of whether or not I'm "called" to be married. Quite honestly I don't know. Granted I AM only 19 going on 20. Relatively young to be thinking about swearing off men forever. Yet, I've come to see that I am so different! Sure some people feel that there is beauty in difference but I've come to see that the beauty is only found in the acceptance of that difference and so far acceptance has been found few and far between in my life. I guess in the end it is to be expected. This lack of.....admiration. I'm not the admirable sort. (Haha..I love how I'm using very....Austeny words...."admirable sort" and "wicked") Anyway. No, I'm just a plane jane who speaks her mind and thoughts and what's she's feeling without a thought or care to how it affects other people and on top of that I'm a Charismatic Pentacostal. Oohhh....how that has made such a HUGE difference in my life. Causing most who get to know me to draw back in.....incredulation. They don't understand nor do they many times want to understand. Oh well. My point of this is that IF I'm meant to not marry then I want to know it. I don't want to live my life in pursuit of some phantom that will never matierialize. How exhausting that would be spiritually and emotionally. Shrug. Who knows what tomorrow may bring??

PS- I really wish I could handle all of Jane Austen's wordiness. Then I would read her books. Sigh.

Somewhere along the way I got lost.

I have been thinking lately how messed up everything has gotten the past year. (Wow, a year has already passed?!?! What what?!?) Well, really the past hrm let's see.....February till now. I don't blame anyone or anything like that. I just up and decided this past February to see how far away from God I can go without actually turning my back on Him. Stupid stupid stupid! Yes? Blargh. And the worst part is that I can actually point my finger at other people who do the same thing!! What a crazy stupid thing. EeeeSh. I had so many dreams and desires and ideas and plans. Now. I have nothing. No aspirations. No ideas. No dreams. I'm in a spiritual and emotional dead-end. I almost feel like I'm dead inside. Yet, the weird thing is that I'm ok with it. That's the terrible part....I think..... I've lost my passion for everything. Except for traveling and even that's slowly dying inside me. Now that is a big deal. That's when you know something's royally screwed up in me. When the thing that describes me perfectly loses it's meaning in my life. Sigh. I can't even tell you why. Why I've decided to take this path. Why I can't go to church with a smile anymore. Why Christian music just annoys me now. Why I haven't really prayed in months. Why I'm so freaking terrified to pray. Why I have this strange feeling that once I do God's going to ask me to do something I can't, won't want to, or that's too hard. Where has my determination gone? Where has my love for life gone? I'm not depressed. I want to hang out with people. I want to laugh. I want to have a good time. Perhaps I'm just making too big of a deal of this. Maybe it's just a slump. I'm not trying to be this way. Yet, I'm not trying to change either. Sigh. The paradox of being me. I can't live this way. I really can't. Something is going to have to change. My life isn't THAT bad at all. I'm not THAT bad either. I could be worse. So there's something good! hahaha....sigh. Anyway. Don't really know the point of writing anymore. Shrug. We'll see. Well, here's another look at the psycho dramatic life if me....maybe one day that will change. :) One can always hope! hahaha.......

There's always a beauty in walking away.

Sigh. I have just finished my last night at my job. It's strange to think that I'm done. This year is half way over. I'm about to turn 20. Oh dear. I'm so glad that God gave us the ability to feel nostalgic and see the beauty in life. I can't believe this. Haha.....today a guy came through my line and noticed the lack of ring on my ring finger. He then proceeded to talk to me about marriage. I think he was trying to flirt. I wasn't tempted....at all. Yet, I could tell him completely honestly that I'm content as I am. And I am! Oh dear, I would love to fall so in love that people would hear of it for ages to come.....Yet, I doubt that will happen. Shrug. It's ok. I'm content. I'm me. And for the first time...well, maybe I'm just remembering......I see the beauty of my life. The beauty of me. And I'm not going to explain away this confidence with prose talking about how I'm not vain or anything. If you can't accept my confidence at face value.....well, you're the loser. :) And I'm ok with that. hahaha.....with the fact that you can't accept me. Sure it sucks. I like having people in my life. But I would rather be alone and happy than be surrounded by many many people and be quite miserable. What kind of life is that? Sigh. There will come a time when I meet the oh so wonderful "One." The man of my dreams. But until then, it's just me, the stars, and Jesus. Yawn. Going to the beach tomorrow. I'm so excited. Oh dear me. My life is crazy beautiful. I can't wait to see where this all goes.... :) Hugs and kisses. I'm off to dream of tall handsome vampires who love me more than life. hehehe...... ;) Muaw!

The Heavens Are Shining For You

Oh dear me. My fingers once again don't know where to flow on this keyboard. My mind is racing ahead with many thoughts to say yet no sentences or logic is formed. So I'll just say what has happened and that be that.

As I've said before- my dad's oldest brother was told he had cancer on his kidney and they were going to have to do surgery on it. It was rather serious and he had resigned himself to whatever God had ordained. Well, yesterday (I believe that is when it happened...perhaps it was today....not positive....) the doctor went in...........sigh. There is no cancer. None whatsoever. I know the thoughts are now consisting of- "Well, perhaps the doctor made a mistake in his prognosis....." I know because I thought the same thing. In my stupid stupid human 21st century all knowing mind. God healed my uncle......mentally, spiritually and physically. Miracles still happen. The years come and go.....doctors learn and heal better....but miracles still happen. Don't EVER let this world or Satan tell you otherwise. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. Thank goodness.

Another thing is that my mom's oldest brother emailed her (which she forwarded to me) telling us about my aunt who has been diagnosised with cancer also. Yet, she's doing much better, the cancer is shrinking and God is teaching them so much. He also let us know that his daughter's daughter told him that she had asked Jesus into her heart. Sigh. There are tears in my eyes. Another daughter in the kingdom of Heaven. Another family member that I get to spend eternity with. Another beautiful girl living her life for the greatest knight in shining armor. God is so good.

Tomorrow is my last day of work. I'm not going to miss the specific work I do. Yet, I will miss the discipline and business it gives me. Work helped this summer fly by. I would have gone insane without this work. I learned so much about myself, about the world and about God this summer. What have I done to deserve such blessings?? Yet, that's the definition of grace- the undeserved blessings of God. That's something that has been tickling the back of my mind. I think that God is trying to get through this thick skull of mine- that even if God never did a single thing more for me- Jesus dying on the cross and saving me from Hell should be enough. Yet, on the flip side of that beautiful coin is that God is so amazing and loving that He WANTS to bless us. Hard to believe. Oh yes it is......for me. Why would this perfect God want to bless me??! Me. The girl who turns to look at Sodom and Gomorrah any chance she gets. If I got what I deserved I would be a pile of salt. This life is just one long up hill battle. Yet, the view is incredible at any point when you stop pushing upwards and just take in the scenery God has given you. I know I'm just rambling. I'm sure you don't mind though. :) Sigh. I cannot wait to see what this next school year will hold for me. It is going to be a beautiful beautiful disaster. Because that's the beauty of life. Especially mine! haha....So I'll leave you with a verse that my uncle put at the end of his email that I do believe is rather beautiful and fitting to this mood I am in:

"The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace."Numbers 6: 24-26

PS- I forgive you.

"Sell when you can, you're not for all markets."

Oh the beauty of Shakespeare. "Men are April when they woo and December when they wed." Finally a man who speaks the truth granted 500 years too late but hey beggars can't be choosers... hahaha....sorry guys. Just a little....*cough*.....bitter. Muaw! Anyway- not the point. So I have this tendency to find deep meaning in the most stupidest stuff. Aka Stephanie Meyer's new book Breaking Dawn. Warning- spoiler coming so if you haven't read the book read it then come back and read this!!!!

Here is this perfectly ordinary girl. In fact she's the most average, plain, un-exoctic person. Then she becomes a vampire. She's beautiful. Extraordinary. Superior compared to all women. (Don't judge.....just keep reading....) She's strong, controls herself in the most proper way, loves her family and the world around her (well the good parts at least. haha) Well my point is- the only way for her to become this was to endure the most excrutiating pain in the whole entire world. So I wonder if the only way for me to become strong and content in being myself alone is to endure a certain amount of pain and survive it. Which if that is true....bring on the pain. There is nothing I want more than anything is to be strong and secure in who I am WITHOUT a guy hanging around. Ugh. Gag me. Just the thought. Makes me feel clausterphobic. And no I'm not just saying this to sound strong after all the junk I've been through to make people feel bad for me. Nope. I'm glad for it. Ha. Never thought I would say THAT. Yet, I am. It's showed me exactly what I don't want and exactly what I do. It also has made me want to be independent and strong without anyone else hanging around clouding the vision of myself. You know? I hope so. Eesh. It'll be good. Can't wait for it to happen!!!

My long lost twin.

"I"m not sure if Lent 2020 will see me giving a self-satisfied sermon about how much I look forward to my reading fast. But I do think I will give reading up again next year. Giving up books for six weeks did not just leave me with more free time. It did not just save me some money. It also left me starkly alone with my life. I read, I think, for many reasons. I read for information, I read for pleasure, I read because I want to figure out the craft of putting a sentence together. But I also read to numb any feelings of despair or misery that might creep my way. Sven Birkets once wrote, "To read, when one does so of one's own free will, is to ake a voitional statement, to cast a vote; it is to posit an elsewhere and set off twoard it. And like any traveling, reading is at once a movement and a comment of sorts about th place one has left. To open a book voluntarily is at some level to remark the insufficiency either of one's life or of one's orientation toward it." Even before Lent I had suspected that I use reading just this way, as a tonic or escape route. In late February, I wrote something in my journal about reading. "I feel myself entering a morose funk over this." ("This" was, of course, a man.) "I recognize this funk not because I want to sleep more or eat more, but by my desire to do what I always do when I get funked out: burrow into some feel-good small-town novel I've read a dozen times.....It seems to be my always-cure." During Lent, I don't have that always-cure, and I find myself, not suprisingly, praying more. At first I pray more because I have time on my hands. TheSaturday after Milind and I had our diner breakfast, I was at home. I had finished my word and gone out to dinner with a friend. Then I had come back to my apartment, listened to some music, taken a bath, brewed a cup of tea, make a phone call, and generally felt aimless. I had nothing else to do. I said Compline. And I have said it every night since. I don't have anything else to do. But I also find myself praying more because I don't have my usual distractions. When I am stuck in a puddle of sadness and mistakes, I cannot take them to Midford. I have to take them to God. I begin to suspect that Milind didn't want me to give up readind just because it was the equivalent of some dearly loved green sundress, but because it might move me closer to Jesus. It might move me to my knees."

Girl Meets God by Lauren F. Winner, Copyright 2002, Alconquin Books of Chapel Hill

Oh I'm sure that anyone reading this is thinking, "ok seriously Kathleen what in the world is THIS?!" It is my long lost twin...... ;) Totally kidding. Yet, this woman has just described in nearly perfect detail the truth behind the joy of reading....at least for me. For us book junkies who read to pass the time, to fill time, to lose the time and to forget the time. So many people look at me when they see me read and find it.....strange. They ask me if I read....gasp....for fun?! Well, yes and no. I read to find another place to live. My imagination is such a nice place to live.... Just kidding. Well, kinda. haha.....I read this and just knew that it described me almost to a T except for the Lent and giving up reading and saying the Compline (what is that?!) parts. Anyway. As this is mainly a public diary of my thoughts......here are my, rather short, thoughts on this section of an amazng book. Read it. Seriously.

The first to know and the last to fall.

So I really want to write. Don't know about what or anything like that.....I just want to ramble. ;) Question- Is it terrible of me to be super glad that I'm prettier than her?? It's like my one consolation. Well, not really. I have some more ammo. How childish. Eeeek. I know. Oh well. I didn't say I was perfect.....that was reserved for her. Bugh. Anyway. It doesn't really matter. I'm me and she's her. That's that and nothings going to change. Nice. Kinda comforting. Single-ness suits me. I'm sure this feeling won't last very long........but I'm definately going to savor it while it decides how long it is going to hang around. How amazing it will be to go to Paris and Dublin and London and Provence all on my own........discovering Europe while uncovering the truths about me. Ever seen Sabrina?? Amazing movie. Wouldn't mind at all if I find a little bit of that movie in my own life. Oh I know I know. It's just Hollywood. Blah. That's all I can say. Yep yep. La Vie En Rose. Eeesh. I cannot wait. Told ya I'm just rambling. ;) I want to be confident and strong and beautiful and......*cough*...... Say what?! Hahaha...... Yet, I know that's not the life that God has/is going to give me.....Cause once someone really gets to know me.....like me me. They realize it was a HUGE mistake. Sigh. Oh well. If I can just be confident and strong and beautiful I'll be happy. Like really really. I can't wait to be happy alone. To walk into a room and not look at all the men material.....to just walk into a room and command it. Where people look at me and think..."Wow. She's different. Amazing." Stupid I know....I know!!! Sigh. :( Hahaha....I'm not sure a 5" 1 1/2' girl can command a room. Tsk tsk. Shrug. It'll be good whatever happens. Yep yep. I'm content. I know I'm one of a kind. (For sure. hehehe) Definately dancing under the stars tonight. Yummm...... Welp, see you in my dreams! Night!!!

As if you know what love is....

First of all I spent 10 minutes just trying to get into this dumb program in order to write this blog. That's how I work to say what I feel. Yet, that's not the point of this. I just finished watching Sense & Sensibility on PBS. It was WAY better than the first version with Hugh Grant. Ugh. I greatly dislike that version. Hugh Grant is NOT Jane Austen material......but that's just my humble biased based opinion. Shrug. Again this is not the point.

The entire movie all I could do was make fun of MaryAnne and Willaby. Seriously. They are two complete morons. Thankfully MaryAnne grows up and learns how to gauge truth better. Willaby....well he's a lost cause. Poor guy. I pity him. Couldn't raise a child. Couldn't accept a woman who didn't match up to his view of how things "should be." MaryAnne at one point after the whole drama says the very thing I have learned in the past two years of my life- love is not in a word, written or otherwise. The beauty of love is that it doesn't NEED words. Action is the only thing that gives love life. Someone can love someone all they want but if the action isn't there it means nothing. And the sooner I truly learn that (and you too I might add) the easier my life will be. Safer for my heart too. That's the interesting thing about how I Corinthians 13 describes love- "Love IS patient, love IS kind......" I've always been struck by the two letter word IS in those verses. I don't know why. I just know that there is severe meaning behind it. At least for me and my definition of love. Love IS. It is a thing made up of many different actions. When you put kindness, patience, bearing all things, believing all things, hoping in all things, enduring all things, rejoicing in the truth.......that is love. So please, don't give me words because then that just makes you a liar and me hurt even more.

Truth without varnish.

My hands can't wrap themselves around the words that want to be written down. They can't contain and piece the words together to make logical sentences. My heart has so much that it wants to pour out. To tell people. To express. But the fear stops me before the my fingers can trace the words out..... How do I express it? The deseration. The fear. The cold clammy hands of gladness that wraps itself around my heart. Strange way of putting it. How can gladness be cold and clammy?? When it brings something that is needed so desperately you can't breathe without it but when it comes all you want to do is scream from the shock. My body tenses up from the breach of silence. I don't know what to expect. Should I pray first.....perhaps God will reveal to me the contents before I peruse the supposed "truth." My doubts play on the jungle gym of my heart.....running down the slide......up the stairs.......I can't catch them and put them away. "The Lord knows the way through the wilderness.....all I have to do is follow." This brilliant mind can't be brilliant without drama. Yet, it hates drama. It drowns, suffocates in it. It causes the pain only to become more readily available to the angel. Puts it so readily into her grasp. Perhaps these words are only the rantings of a crazed girl. Or just a horrible writer. I'm sure no one reads these. These are just words going out into the archives of my past......never to be read or understood by anyone.......

"You will travel through the valley of rejection, you will reside in the land of the mourning mists and you will find your home, though it will not be where you left it." - The Starter Wife