Saturday, December 20, 2008

Proverbs 31 woman in training....

Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.
The heart of her husband safely trusts her; So he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax, and willingly works with her hands.
She is like the merchant ships, she brings her food from afar.
She also rises while it is yet night, and provides food for her household,
and a portion for her maidservants.
She considers a field and buys it; from her profits she plants a vineyard.
She girds herself with strength, and strengthens her arms.
She perceives that her merchandise is good, and her lamp does not go out by night.
She stretches out her hands to the distaff, and her hand holds the spindle.
She extends her hand to the poor. Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household for all her household is clothed with scarlet.
She makes tapestry for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies sashes for the merchants.
Strength and honor are her clothing; she shall rejoice in time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.
She watches over the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also and he praises her;
:Many daughters have done well, but you excel them all."
Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord,
she shall be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own words praise her in the gates.

Proverbs 31

Let it be so Lord.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

A Case of Self Pity

Sigh. I'm so tired. Didn't sleep very well last night due to 5 cups of coffee. Word of advice- don't drink coffee to stay up to work on a paper if you plane on stopping early to go to bed. hahaha Don't ask why I did that.....I don't even know the answer. So I'm slightly frustrated with the fact that the campus shut off our water. We all know the ramifications of that. Makes me feel dirty just thinking but no shower tonight. Yuck. Anyway. Well I started to write so that I could rant and rave about how unfair life is but now I feel better. ;) So never mind! hahah <3

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Always learning but never coming to real knowledge.

Sigh. I'm sitting in class listening to my professor talk about evolution. It annoys me. For one we are in critical thinking class and I wonder if anyone realizes, other than me, that he is present an extremely biased view point. He is basically telling us what to think about creation and evolution. Then he gets mad at other people/books/and such for trying to force us to think about stuff. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Ugh. Ticks me off. Yet, that's what happens when you go to a liberal arts school. I know what I know and I don't need scientific proof to believe in God. He goes beyond the mind and into the heart. Anyway, it seems to me that it takes more faith to believe that we came from monkeys than God created me. Plus, the world gets mad when we act like animals when all they do is tell us we are. Freakin' make up your mind people! Blargh. I'm just ranting I won't lie. Plus I'm trying to block out the prof. :-P haha Turkey day is in two days! Can't wait! Real mashed potatoes! Yipeee!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Thou Shalt Have No Other gods Before Me.

So I've had a breakthrough tonight. I'm going to live my life for God only. I'm going to live my life as if I'm never to get married, as if no man will ever love me, as if I have no one else to please except for God. It's God and me. That's it. No more boys. Praise His name! Thank You Lord.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

No more tears, no more pain and no more fears

I suggest you listen to Jeremy Camp's There Will Be A Day. It is to amazing.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Set-Apart Feminity

So I'm writing this- finally- at the request of a beautiful sister! This book is written by Leslie Ludy. It's a hard read. Easier than the Bible but harder than a romance book. ;) She talks about the Proverbs 31 woman. Sigh. I've heard so many mixed beliefs about that passage. It's in the Bible so there is some meaning behind it. Now what that might be....I honestly believe is up to the discernment of each individual woman. That might be a chicken way out but...shrug. Anyway, I digress from the real point of this. To start explaining what the book is about I'm going to list the name of the chapters...considering I have yet to finish the book. :S

Chapter:
1-Sacred Intent
2-Sacred Design
3-Sacred Priority
4-Sacred Decorum
5-Sacred Mystique
6-Sacred Cultivation
7-Sacred Ardor
8-Sacred Claim
9-Sacred Ceremony

It is mainly a book where the author says to deny all things "worldly" and take up you cross for Christ. That might sound cynical or sarcastic but I'm not trying to sound like that. It really is what the author is supporting. It sounds nice. It makes me have hope and yet it also makes me sad. Horrible yes? Sigh. I like some of the things that the world offers. Movies, music, boys, internet, books, etc. I don't drink. I don't party. I don't do that kind of stuff. Yet, I've come to realize that I am tied to this world in ways I never expected. I'm too scared to let go of it in order to become what God wants me to. Sigh. Blargh. Life is such a sticky thing. I wish I was amazing like Amy Carmichael or Elizabeth Elliot....just to name a few. Why were they blessed with such a love for God while other woman (and men) have to struggle to find their way out of all things worldly? Sigh. I don't understand. Shrug. Oh well. Guess some people are blessed like that while others have to struggle their whole lives just to find that love. Kinda seems.....unfair. haha...I know. Who said life was fair??

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Would you love me if I was different?

This is going to be short and very sweet. I've been reading a book called Set Apart Femininity. It is a hard read. The writer is very cut and dry, tell it like it is, speak the truth even though no one really wants to hear it. It's one of those books I feel compelled to read but would rather not. I know she's right to a large degree and that scares me. I don't know. It's two in the morning and I'm tired but not. As usual everything starts to hit me right before I go to bed and so would rather just not sleep. Shrug. Wish it wasn't that way. Anyway. I wonder how many people will reject me if I follow my heart and what I feel is the right thing. Ha. Who knows. I have to make a decision though. I can't just sit on the fence of my Christianity anymore. It's one way or the other. It's God or the world. I can't have both. Goodness knows how much I want both though. Sigh. I already know who I'm going to choose. I just don't want to act on it yet. I'm not ready to be lonely yet. Well, lonely by the world's standards. Who knows. Maybe God will have mercy on me and surprise me with a friend who feels the same way I do. :) One can always hope right? Anyway. That's all. I'm still wide awake. Guess I'll read more of that book.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

If I sang like a female version of Andrea Bocelli would you love me??

Wow. Life has been C-R-A-Z-Y. I haven't blogged on here or myspace in a while. I've been too busy or too tired. Infact tonight I'm still not finished. hahaha....I'm going to eat at Ihop with my wonderful Big! So late night tonight but it's totally cool. Especially since I don't have class till one tomorrow!! yep yep! The brilliance of late classes. Now let's see what has happened in my life since I last posted......

Well let's start with my positions on campus. haha...that's the easiest way. I'm Campus Ministry workstudy in which I do random things for the minister including- getting the projector for chapel on Wednesday nights, reorganizing the office, helping her with finding out things, running errands....just to name a few. :) I am also on Campus Ministry Council in which I am the at large community/chapel outreach. That's still a little shaky in the sense that there isn't too much to it right now. Mainly because I'm too tired/lazy (?) to do much else with the position. I don't say that proudly. AT ALL. Anyway, I'm also Campus Ministry senate rep. I have to go to the senate meetings every Tuesday and report to them what all is going on in Campus Ministry. All the Campus Ministry RSO's (Recognized Student Organizations) are under me and I have to let them know all things important that happen in senate. They also have to report to me the going on's of their groups. Well, HAVE to is a little strong. It would be nice if they did. :) Then I'm on Judicial Board. Can't say much there except that I'm going to be busy. Then I have ASA (Alpha Sigma Alpha,) church, classes and choir..... talk about a full schedule. Yet, I like it. A lot. It keeps me from sitting around on my rear thinking too much about my lousy-ish life. Being busy doing things I enjoy and am good at makes me happy, confident and content. Granted I wouldn't mind having a couple of friends to hang out with on the weekends....when I'm NOT busy but I won't complain about that too much. Hahaha.... I think that this year is going to be good.

I'm enjoying my classes to a large extent. There are somethings that could use some tweaking but what doesn't? I really think/hope I'm going to enjoy my communications class. We have a speech due in a week and I'm pretty excited. Need to work on it though. hahaha.... I'll do that this weekend! Plus all the other stuff I need to do. I've decided to speak on communicating with men. I thought about speaking on how to communicate with women since I am a woman and it would be more.....correct? But I've decided women don't really even know what they want so how do you speak how to communicate with them....they don't even know how to communicate with each other half the time! So I decided on men. They're simple-ish. haha....not to say that they are stupid. They're just less complicated than women. So yeah. Life is good, exciting, busy and makes me smile. It's going to be a good year. Now if only I could convince my roomie to stick around for a little while longer.......any suggestions?? hahaha....

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Lonely beds, broken hearts and a loving God.

Let the beauty of this earth shine for all to see. Remember that we are all lonely together. Never forget that the sun sets but also rises. The eyes speak more truth than the mouth. Can a smile shelter a heart?? Here's my life sitting lost somewhere along the way. Everything made sense when nothing was understood. I'm too exhausted to sleep. Strange life we live.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Drowning.

I'm going to hold onto the hope that I have in Christ. Sometimes that's all we can do.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Lovely and lonely.

So I just finished watching "Jane Austen Regrets." A relatively glorious redention of her life. It was in short....amazing. Sigh. Poor poor Jane. I guess that is the whole point of the movie was to make you pity the poor woman. It worked for me. Sigh. I've been thinking (yes, I know the mind is a powerful and wicked thing) about the question of whether or not I'm "called" to be married. Quite honestly I don't know. Granted I AM only 19 going on 20. Relatively young to be thinking about swearing off men forever. Yet, I've come to see that I am so different! Sure some people feel that there is beauty in difference but I've come to see that the beauty is only found in the acceptance of that difference and so far acceptance has been found few and far between in my life. I guess in the end it is to be expected. This lack of.....admiration. I'm not the admirable sort. (Haha..I love how I'm using very....Austeny words...."admirable sort" and "wicked") Anyway. No, I'm just a plane jane who speaks her mind and thoughts and what's she's feeling without a thought or care to how it affects other people and on top of that I'm a Charismatic Pentacostal. Oohhh....how that has made such a HUGE difference in my life. Causing most who get to know me to draw back in.....incredulation. They don't understand nor do they many times want to understand. Oh well. My point of this is that IF I'm meant to not marry then I want to know it. I don't want to live my life in pursuit of some phantom that will never matierialize. How exhausting that would be spiritually and emotionally. Shrug. Who knows what tomorrow may bring??

PS- I really wish I could handle all of Jane Austen's wordiness. Then I would read her books. Sigh.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Somewhere along the way I got lost.

I have been thinking lately how messed up everything has gotten the past year. (Wow, a year has already passed?!?! What what?!?) Well, really the past hrm let's see.....February till now. I don't blame anyone or anything like that. I just up and decided this past February to see how far away from God I can go without actually turning my back on Him. Stupid stupid stupid! Yes? Blargh. And the worst part is that I can actually point my finger at other people who do the same thing!! What a crazy stupid thing. EeeeSh. I had so many dreams and desires and ideas and plans. Now. I have nothing. No aspirations. No ideas. No dreams. I'm in a spiritual and emotional dead-end. I almost feel like I'm dead inside. Yet, the weird thing is that I'm ok with it. That's the terrible part....I think..... I've lost my passion for everything. Except for traveling and even that's slowly dying inside me. Now that is a big deal. That's when you know something's royally screwed up in me. When the thing that describes me perfectly loses it's meaning in my life. Sigh. I can't even tell you why. Why I've decided to take this path. Why I can't go to church with a smile anymore. Why Christian music just annoys me now. Why I haven't really prayed in months. Why I'm so freaking terrified to pray. Why I have this strange feeling that once I do God's going to ask me to do something I can't, won't want to, or that's too hard. Where has my determination gone? Where has my love for life gone? I'm not depressed. I want to hang out with people. I want to laugh. I want to have a good time. Perhaps I'm just making too big of a deal of this. Maybe it's just a slump. I'm not trying to be this way. Yet, I'm not trying to change either. Sigh. The paradox of being me. I can't live this way. I really can't. Something is going to have to change. My life isn't THAT bad at all. I'm not THAT bad either. I could be worse. So there's something good! hahaha....sigh. Anyway. Don't really know the point of writing anymore. Shrug. We'll see. Well, here's another look at the psycho dramatic life if me....maybe one day that will change. :) One can always hope! hahaha.......

Sunday, August 10, 2008

There's always a beauty in walking away.

Sigh. I have just finished my last night at my job. It's strange to think that I'm done. This year is half way over. I'm about to turn 20. Oh dear. I'm so glad that God gave us the ability to feel nostalgic and see the beauty in life. I can't believe this. Haha.....today a guy came through my line and noticed the lack of ring on my ring finger. He then proceeded to talk to me about marriage. I think he was trying to flirt. I wasn't tempted....at all. Yet, I could tell him completely honestly that I'm content as I am. And I am! Oh dear, I would love to fall so in love that people would hear of it for ages to come.....Yet, I doubt that will happen. Shrug. It's ok. I'm content. I'm me. And for the first time...well, maybe I'm just remembering......I see the beauty of my life. The beauty of me. And I'm not going to explain away this confidence with prose talking about how I'm not vain or anything. If you can't accept my confidence at face value.....well, you're the loser. :) And I'm ok with that. hahaha.....with the fact that you can't accept me. Sure it sucks. I like having people in my life. But I would rather be alone and happy than be surrounded by many many people and be quite miserable. What kind of life is that? Sigh. There will come a time when I meet the oh so wonderful "One." The man of my dreams. But until then, it's just me, the stars, and Jesus. Yawn. Going to the beach tomorrow. I'm so excited. Oh dear me. My life is crazy beautiful. I can't wait to see where this all goes.... :) Hugs and kisses. I'm off to dream of tall handsome vampires who love me more than life. hehehe...... ;) Muaw!

The Heavens Are Shining For You

Oh dear me. My fingers once again don't know where to flow on this keyboard. My mind is racing ahead with many thoughts to say yet no sentences or logic is formed. So I'll just say what has happened and that be that.

As I've said before- my dad's oldest brother was told he had cancer on his kidney and they were going to have to do surgery on it. It was rather serious and he had resigned himself to whatever God had ordained. Well, yesterday (I believe that is when it happened...perhaps it was today....not positive....) the doctor went in...........sigh. There is no cancer. None whatsoever. I know the thoughts are now consisting of- "Well, perhaps the doctor made a mistake in his prognosis....." I know because I thought the same thing. In my stupid stupid human 21st century all knowing mind. God healed my uncle......mentally, spiritually and physically. Miracles still happen. The years come and go.....doctors learn and heal better....but miracles still happen. Don't EVER let this world or Satan tell you otherwise. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. Thank goodness.
Another thing is that my mom's oldest brother emailed her (which she forwarded to me) telling us about my aunt who has been diagnosised with cancer also. Yet, she's doing much better, the cancer is shrinking and God is teaching them so much. He also let us know that his daughter's daughter told him that she had asked Jesus into her heart. Sigh. There are tears in my eyes. Another daughter in the kingdom of Heaven. Another family member that I get to spend eternity with. Another beautiful girl living her life for the greatest knight in shining armor. God is so good.
Tomorrow is my last day of work. I'm not going to miss the specific work I do. Yet, I will miss the discipline and business it gives me. Work helped this summer fly by. I would have gone insane without this work. I learned so much about myself, about the world and about God this summer. What have I done to deserve such blessings?? Yet, that's the definition of grace- the undeserved blessings of God. That's something that has been tickling the back of my mind. I think that God is trying to get through this thick skull of mine- that even if God never did a single thing more for me- Jesus dying on the cross and saving me from Hell should be enough. Yet, on the flip side of that beautiful coin is that God is so amazing and loving that He WANTS to bless us. Hard to believe. Oh yes it is......for me. Why would this perfect God want to bless me??! Me. The girl who turns to look at Sodom and Gomorrah any chance she gets. If I got what I deserved I would be a pile of salt. This life is just one long up hill battle. Yet, the view is incredible at any point when you stop pushing upwards and just take in the scenery God has given you. I know I'm just rambling. I'm sure you don't mind though. :) Sigh. I cannot wait to see what this next school year will hold for me. It is going to be a beautiful beautiful disaster. Because that's the beauty of life. Especially mine! haha....So I'll leave you with a verse that my uncle put at the end of his email that I do believe is rather beautiful and fitting to this mood I am in:
"The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace."Numbers 6: 24-26
PS- I forgive you.

"Sell when you can, you're not for all markets."

Oh the beauty of Shakespeare. "Men are April when they woo and December when they wed." Finally a man who speaks the truth granted 500 years too late but hey beggars can't be choosers... hahaha....sorry guys. Just a little....*cough*.....bitter. Muaw! Anyway- not the point. So I have this tendency to find deep meaning in the most stupidest stuff. Aka Stephanie Meyer's new book Breaking Dawn. Warning- spoiler coming so if you haven't read the book read it then come back and read this!!!!

Here is this perfectly ordinary girl. In fact she's the most average, plain, un-exoctic person. Then she becomes a vampire. She's beautiful. Extraordinary. Superior compared to all women. (Don't judge.....just keep reading....) She's strong, controls herself in the most proper way, loves her family and the world around her (well the good parts at least. haha) Well my point is- the only way for her to become this was to endure the most excrutiating pain in the whole entire world. So I wonder if the only way for me to become strong and content in being myself alone is to endure a certain amount of pain and survive it. Which if that is true....bring on the pain. There is nothing I want more than anything is to be strong and secure in who I am WITHOUT a guy hanging around. Ugh. Gag me. Just the thought. Makes me feel clausterphobic. And no I'm not just saying this to sound strong after all the junk I've been through to make people feel bad for me. Nope. I'm glad for it. Ha. Never thought I would say THAT. Yet, I am. It's showed me exactly what I don't want and exactly what I do. It also has made me want to be independent and strong without anyone else hanging around clouding the vision of myself. You know? I hope so. Eesh. It'll be good. Can't wait for it to happen!!!

My long lost twin.

"I"m not sure if Lent 2020 will see me giving a self-satisfied sermon about how much I look forward to my reading fast. But I do think I will give reading up again next year. Giving up books for six weeks did not just leave me with more free time. It did not just save me some money. It also left me starkly alone with my life. I read, I think, for many reasons. I read for information, I read for pleasure, I read because I want to figure out the craft of putting a sentence together. But I also read to numb any feelings of despair or misery that might creep my way. Sven Birkets once wrote, "To read, when one does so of one's own free will, is to ake a voitional statement, to cast a vote; it is to posit an elsewhere and set off twoard it. And like any traveling, reading is at once a movement and a comment of sorts about th place one has left. To open a book voluntarily is at some level to remark the insufficiency either of one's life or of one's orientation toward it." Even before Lent I had suspected that I use reading just this way, as a tonic or escape route. In late February, I wrote something in my journal about reading. "I feel myself entering a morose funk over this." ("This" was, of course, a man.) "I recognize this funk not because I want to sleep more or eat more, but by my desire to do what I always do when I get funked out: burrow into some feel-good small-town novel I've read a dozen times.....It seems to be my always-cure." During Lent, I don't have that always-cure, and I find myself, not suprisingly, praying more. At first I pray more because I have time on my hands. TheSaturday after Milind and I had our diner breakfast, I was at home. I had finished my word and gone out to dinner with a friend. Then I had come back to my apartment, listened to some music, taken a bath, brewed a cup of tea, make a phone call, and generally felt aimless. I had nothing else to do. I said Compline. And I have said it every night since. I don't have anything else to do. But I also find myself praying more because I don't have my usual distractions. When I am stuck in a puddle of sadness and mistakes, I cannot take them to Midford. I have to take them to God. I begin to suspect that Milind didn't want me to give up readind just because it was the equivalent of some dearly loved green sundress, but because it might move me closer to Jesus. It might move me to my knees."

Girl Meets God by Lauren F. Winner, Copyright 2002, Alconquin Books of Chapel Hill

Oh I'm sure that anyone reading this is thinking, "ok seriously Kathleen what in the world is THIS?!" It is my long lost twin...... ;) Totally kidding. Yet, this woman has just described in nearly perfect detail the truth behind the joy of reading....at least for me. For us book junkies who read to pass the time, to fill time, to lose the time and to forget the time. So many people look at me when they see me read and find it.....strange. They ask me if I read....gasp....for fun?! Well, yes and no. I read to find another place to live. My imagination is such a nice place to live.... Just kidding. Well, kinda. haha.....I read this and just knew that it described me almost to a T except for the Lent and giving up reading and saying the Compline (what is that?!) parts. Anyway. As this is mainly a public diary of my thoughts......here are my, rather short, thoughts on this section of an amazng book. Read it. Seriously.

The first to know and the last to fall.

So I really want to write. Don't know about what or anything like that.....I just want to ramble. ;) Question- Is it terrible of me to be super glad that I'm prettier than her?? It's like my one consolation. Well, not really. I have some more ammo. How childish. Eeeek. I know. Oh well. I didn't say I was perfect.....that was reserved for her. Bugh. Anyway. It doesn't really matter. I'm me and she's her. That's that and nothings going to change. Nice. Kinda comforting. Single-ness suits me. I'm sure this feeling won't last very long........but I'm definately going to savor it while it decides how long it is going to hang around. How amazing it will be to go to Paris and Dublin and London and Provence all on my own........discovering Europe while uncovering the truths about me. Ever seen Sabrina?? Amazing movie. Wouldn't mind at all if I find a little bit of that movie in my own life. Oh I know I know. It's just Hollywood. Blah. That's all I can say. Yep yep. La Vie En Rose. Eeesh. I cannot wait. Told ya I'm just rambling. ;) I want to be confident and strong and beautiful and......*cough*...... Say what?! Hahaha...... Yet, I know that's not the life that God has/is going to give me.....Cause once someone really gets to know me.....like me me. They realize it was a HUGE mistake. Sigh. Oh well. If I can just be confident and strong and beautiful I'll be happy. Like really really. I can't wait to be happy alone. To walk into a room and not look at all the men material.....to just walk into a room and command it. Where people look at me and think..."Wow. She's different. Amazing." Stupid I know....I know!!! Sigh. :( Hahaha....I'm not sure a 5" 1 1/2' girl can command a room. Tsk tsk. Shrug. It'll be good whatever happens. Yep yep. I'm content. I know I'm one of a kind. (For sure. hehehe) Definately dancing under the stars tonight. Yummm...... Welp, see you in my dreams! Night!!!

As if you know what love is....

First of all I spent 10 minutes just trying to get into this dumb program in order to write this blog. That's how I work to say what I feel. Yet, that's not the point of this. I just finished watching Sense & Sensibility on PBS. It was WAY better than the first version with Hugh Grant. Ugh. I greatly dislike that version. Hugh Grant is NOT Jane Austen material......but that's just my humble biased based opinion. Shrug. Again this is not the point.

The entire movie all I could do was make fun of MaryAnne and Willaby. Seriously. They are two complete morons. Thankfully MaryAnne grows up and learns how to gauge truth better. Willaby....well he's a lost cause. Poor guy. I pity him. Couldn't raise a child. Couldn't accept a woman who didn't match up to his view of how things "should be." MaryAnne at one point after the whole drama says the very thing I have learned in the past two years of my life- love is not in a word, written or otherwise. The beauty of love is that it doesn't NEED words. Action is the only thing that gives love life. Someone can love someone all they want but if the action isn't there it means nothing. And the sooner I truly learn that (and you too I might add) the easier my life will be. Safer for my heart too. That's the interesting thing about how I Corinthians 13 describes love- "Love IS patient, love IS kind......" I've always been struck by the two letter word IS in those verses. I don't know why. I just know that there is severe meaning behind it. At least for me and my definition of love. Love IS. It is a thing made up of many different actions. When you put kindness, patience, bearing all things, believing all things, hoping in all things, enduring all things, rejoicing in the truth.......that is love. So please, don't give me words because then that just makes you a liar and me hurt even more.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Truth without varnish.

My hands can't wrap themselves around the words that want to be written down. They can't contain and piece the words together to make logical sentences. My heart has so much that it wants to pour out. To tell people. To express. But the fear stops me before the my fingers can trace the words out..... How do I express it? The deseration. The fear. The cold clammy hands of gladness that wraps itself around my heart. Strange way of putting it. How can gladness be cold and clammy?? When it brings something that is needed so desperately you can't breathe without it but when it comes all you want to do is scream from the shock. My body tenses up from the breach of silence. I don't know what to expect. Should I pray first.....perhaps God will reveal to me the contents before I peruse the supposed "truth." My doubts play on the jungle gym of my heart.....running down the slide......up the stairs.......I can't catch them and put them away. "The Lord knows the way through the wilderness.....all I have to do is follow." This brilliant mind can't be brilliant without drama. Yet, it hates drama. It drowns, suffocates in it. It causes the pain only to become more readily available to the angel. Puts it so readily into her grasp. Perhaps these words are only the rantings of a crazed girl. Or just a horrible writer. I'm sure no one reads these. These are just words going out into the archives of my past......never to be read or understood by anyone.......

"You will travel through the valley of rejection, you will reside in the land of the mourning mists and you will find your home, though it will not be where you left it." - The Starter Wife

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

You don't have to yell.

Well, I only have one more week left of work. I'm so excited. I can't wait. Like seriously. ;) Today was the longest day yet. Sigh. Tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut s-s-s-short. I'm a little scared but I know it will be a good thing. So that when I go back to school I'll seem....more confident. Hopefully it won't just seem though. Hopefully I really will be more confident. I'm a little scared to see certain people again. I don't want to hurt again. Yet, I'll leave that up to God. He has my heart's best interests at heart. I don't know. I don't have much to say. Just wanted to check in and let you know a little about my life's changes. :) I'll post a picture or two of my new hairdo tomorrow. Love and kisses!

Sunday, July 27, 2008

She's so pretty and she's so short.

;) Summer is ending soon and it's all right. Maybe I'm a little bit over my head......but it's all right. Sigh. I can't wait to be back up at school. I know I know. Can't wait for Sisterhood Of the Traveling Pants 2! Childish perhaps. But quite honestly I don't care. I grew up with those girls. hahahaha..... Thinking perhaps these next two weeks should FLY by. That's what I would prefer. I move back up to Kerrville the 16 or 17. Depending on which is easier on my parents. I love summer but prefer the school year. I make more memories that way. :) Anyway. I need sleep. Work tomorrow. Gotta make that money!

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Peter Pan and Wendy- Growing Pains

Well, I received an email from my campus minister today telling me, along with the other Campus Ministry Council (wouldn't that look great on paper or a shirt? CMC.....nice,) what the plans are for the start of school. I am so freakin' excited. Haha...I feel like a chihuahua. You know how they get all trembly and antsy when they are excited? That's how I am when I start thinking about it. ;) I want to write more about it but I can't. I'm too tired and preoccupied with thoughts of figuring out if and/or how I'm going to get moved up there on time. So I'll write more about this later.

Then there is my job. I've decided I'm only working for another two weeks. I can't wait. For it to end that is. Terrible of me, I know. I'm just ready to be back at school and when I walk out of there for the last time in blue and khaki it will mean one less obstacle in the path to getting back to school. I'm trying to figure out when tax free weekend is. I hope I don't have to work those days. Eep. That would be a little depressing. Not gonna lie.

Finally school. I still have no idea what in the world I'm going to do. I guess I'm just going to have to wait it out this semester and pray that I find direction. I'm terrified I won't. I feel that it would be a terrible waste of time if I didn't. I might as well not even go back if I don't. I have so much pressure- from all sides. It stinks. Horribly. Some people think I would be good at communications but I'm not a people person.....a horrible conversationalist..... I feel that I would be best majoring in psychology. As for God, I don't know what His opinion is. I know. That one little word explains the whole issue. Opinion. I don't want to ask what His will is. I just have this feeling that He's going to ask me to do something I won't want to do. Stupid I know. Yet, what if He does?? Look as Hosea? That guy had to marry a prostitute so God could make a point to the Israelites! What if He wants to use me to make a point??? Or what if He asks me to go somewhere that I'll be lonely and rejected?? Or what if He makes me stay home and have to remain under slight restriction because I still live under my parent's house?? I don't know if my parents or I could handle it. I don't want to ruin our relationship! I don't have enough patience. It's my fault. I know. Sigh. I can't let go and trust that God knows me better than I know myself....... :S

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Blown up.

I hate my job right now. Argh. I just want to scream at the head people in the other states. What the freak are they thinking?!?! I mean seriously. I can't take leave from work inorder to go to college because I don't have enough "working hours." Of course I don't! I just spent 9 months in college trying to get my degree!!!! Not only that but certain people who's job it is to keep us up to date with this kind of thing didn't. They knew I was leaving and still didn't tell me! What the freak?! I am now officially stressed.....and ticked. Pretty much it's try to find a way around it or quit. I would just like to say if it comes to that.....they're losing a good employee. It will be their loss..... Eeesh. I better stop now before I say too much or start cussing on here. I'm that mad. Pray that something can be figured out tomorrow.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Chaos is the only thing that is fair.

Well, I've had a very crazy weekend. Sheesh. Friday I got home from a day of work to go to a church function. Then Saturday I drove, for the first time, in San Antonio BY MYSELF up to La Cantera to see my roommate. That was great. Yet, I left at 2:30 quickly coming to the coclusion I had messed myself over due to the lack of realization that the next place I had to be was 30 minutes away from my hometown. So I got to my house at 3:30 and had to make it to a friend's wedding that started at 4:00. Needless to say I sped over to Whittsett and made it about 5 minutes late. I was ashamed of myself for my lack of planning but I guess in the end it was all good. My friends and I went to the reception at a little ancient hall outside of our town that is so rustic-ly beautiful. We then proceeded to dance the night away. It was fun. Yet, other than seeing a friend marry the best part was my utter lack of desire to be in her place. I wasn't sitting around moping because I want to get married. Nope. I was just happy to hang out with my friends and have fun looking beautiful. (Side note: Frustrated because I have to go to the store......ugh.) Anyway, then Sunday I went to church and yesterday night hung out with some more friends of mine, including a guy who has just come back from a year of mission work in China. I can't wait to hear more about his adventures. :) We went to see The Dark Knight. All I can say is I wasn't much impressed. Yes, the effects were good but in my VERY humble opinion the entire movie was depressing and creepy. I hate leaving a movie feeling empty and mad. Where's the joy in that?! I don't know. The Joker made some interesting points. Yet, I don't believe in getting my philosophy from movies...especially one that could have possibly caused the suicide of Heath Ledger. (Or whatever they're calling it now.) I have more to say but I'm sure no one really wants to read my rants about the down fall of mankind. ;) Sigh. I'm exhausted. I didn't get in till 4 am and I woke up at 9:30 am. Now I get to go to work at 5 till 9. Boy, I'm crashing when I get home. Finally. I guess I've finally worked my body into pure exhaustion that I can sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. I would personally rather that than laying in bed worrying and fretting and stressing over things until I'm ready to scream. shrug. Anyway. I need to go to the store now. Sigh. Write more soon.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Broken voice and a twisted smile.

Sorry, these seem to be taking a turn for the melancholy. Sigh. Today we found out that someone in my life has cancer on their kidney. Pray for them, please? They're going to have to have their kidney taken out and possibly their bladder. It will be tough on them and the family. Life has been a little difficult lately. I don't know why. Possibly just my body getting used to be alone again or just my spirit not at rest. Either way, I'm not getting good sleep at night and it's affecting my mood at work....well, pretty much everywhere I go. I want to spend money in hopes (I'm thinking) that it will make me feel complete, which is stupid. I know. Yet, a girl's got to try something! I'm struggling with somethings. Once again being "abandoned" I seem to becoming angry at God again. No, that's not the right word. I feel.......well.....let down. By myself and Him. Why did He create me to be so flippin' stupid??? To fall so easily for things that only hurt me in the end?? How do I fix this? How do I stop trusting and start disbelieving the lies people tell me?? I don't want to continue on the path I'm on. Yet, I'm scared out of my wits to try something new. I'm in what they would call a Catch 22. I'm so tense tonight. Restless. Tired. Sick. Stressed. I don't want to fight it. I'd rather just let it sweep me away tonight. Sigh. I guess I'm going to try to sleep. Perhaps it will all turn out ok in the end. Shrug. I just don't know anymore.

Was it worth it? What I gave away? For five minutes of fame?

Sigh. I think this is why I'm all down and can't sleep. THIS. Yes, I know you don't know what THIS is.....that's the point. Yet, what I gave away was worth more than a million this's. Too bad I didn't realize it until now. What a moron. Sigh. Well, I'm gonna take a nap. I'll write more later.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The Thoughts Are Mine

So my dad was watching this show tonight that caught my eye. I sat down to watch the short piece on children who have Turrets Syndrome and wound up crying. Silly, perhaps, yet, these poor children are caught in a body that they did not ask for with responses that they cannot control. How terrible is that?? Yet, what really got me was one of the girls being talked about was "religious." I hate that they use that term.....but I digress. Anyway, they showed her on her first day of school and her mom prayed with her. On national tv. Oh, I know, I know, plenty of people pray on national tv. Yet, here is this little girl who is living a life that she, to a large degree, can't control placing her trust in someone she can't see that HE will take care of her. Sigh. It's an amazing thing when you begin to see God in everything. You begin to fall in love with everything and everyone. Strange. Yet, definitely nice. It's better than struggling against it all. Life becomes exhausting when you do that.

Sigh, I can't wait to help people. Lord, it's going to be fun. :)

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Small Hands, Big Dreams

Pocket Full of Sunshine

Ay yi yi. Life has taken some crazy turns in the past couple of days.....and not necesarily in a good way. Sigh. All the stress has decided to settle right between my shoulder blades and cause pain at the most inoportune times. I must admit that I'm becoming excruciatingly tired of all this drama. I can't wait for my life to become more settled. hahaha.....Granted that will take a drastic work of God but hey, with God all things are possible, right? I'm still counting down the days till I go back to school. Unfortunately it looks like I won't be able to go back up a week early like I was wanting to due to my church being involved in our Cowboy Homecoming parade on the morning I was hoping to be dropped off..... Oh well! I guess I'll just work an extra week. Goodness knows I'll need the money. (Is that how that saying goes?? hrm....) Anyway, I've become addicted to BarlowGirl and Rihanna for the past week. BarlowGirl for my spiritual health but Rihanna when all I want to do is "break dishes." Eesh. This morning God was good. I had an unexpected "blow" and couldn't believe some stuff that went on and could hardly help my mom sing during praise and worship due to my quaking heart. Ugh. Silly. Anyway, I just started praying and God gave me the strength and courage to finish out the service with a smile on my face and peace in my heart......well, kinda. ;) Peace is a hard thing for me to grasp...no matter what the situation is. Sigh. My dad preached on going back to the basics of Christianity. It was really good. Spoke to me. God's been dealing with me on that issue. How I need to go back to my altar...Just as Abraham did. So I'm really going to try to let go of some of the stuff I started doing my freshman year in college....nothing horrible or terrible.....just me being a little rebellious. :S Things that aren't exactly BAD....just not the best thing for me. haha....like listening to Rihanna. But there are things that I learned this past year that I will never let go of. Like I CAN be strong on my own. Maybe not for very long but I can do it. Well, anyway, I'm starting to ramble and I have work tomorrow. :) G'night.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Emerald City.


He Was There All The Time

"Time after time I went searching for peace in some void. I was trying to blame all my ill on this world I was in. Surface relationships used me 'til I was done in. And all the while someone was begging to free me from sin.
He was there all the time. He was there all the time. Waiting patiently in line. He was there all the time.
Never again will I look for a fake rainbow's end. Now that I have the answer my life is just starting to rhyme. Sharing each new ay with Him is a cup of fresh life. And, oh, what I missed, He's been waiting right there all the time.
He was there all the time. He was there all the time. Waiting patiently in line. He was there all the time."

Word and music by Gary S. Paxton

"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; He will purify the sons of Levi, And purge them as gold and silver, That they may offer to the Lord an offering in righteousness. Then the offering of Judah and Jerusalem will be pleasant to the Lord, As in the days of old, as in former years. "For I am the Lord, I do not change; Therefore you are not consumed O sons of Jacob, Return to me and I will return to you," Says the Lord of hosts. "And try me now in this, if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such a blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it. And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes."
Malachi 3: 3,4,6,810,11 (NKJV)
I think perhaps this is where He was leading me to all the time. Perhaps, for I know not yet, but just perhaps this is why He gave me the parents I have. The church I go to and the children who surround me. Finally, something that makes sense. I just hope I have the wisdom, strength and patience to go through with it if this is truly what God has called me to do. Yet, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

This life is not always what it seems.

Oh goodness. Here we go again. Why? I don't know. I pray....I seek God's will. I feel like I get the ok....and then it all goes to pot. God help me to see what You're trying to teach me. If this is Your will then help me to see and accept it. It's gonna hurt just like the other times but perhaps I'll bounce back quicker. Help me, God.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Bring on the rain.

Eeesh. I need to go through these blogs and delete a lot of them. :S I've written quite a lot. Pretty bad..... Goodness. It's amazing how music can effect your mood.

I really really REALLY want to play in the rain.

Weird.

I know.

Don't talk to me....I bite.

Sigh. So today I found out that...well....never mind....I just wish I could say that I have a boyfriend. Not just for the sake of saying I have one (aka an ego boost) but so that I can feel protected and safe. I wish I could go running to some guy and tell him about the stuff I have to put up with. I wish when I told the guy he would get mad and want to go hit someone. I wouldn't want him to ACTUALLY do it! Just talk like he might. That he would talk like he's willing to protect me and that I would be safe no matter what in his arms. Sigh. I hate the fact that I love feeling pretty so much that I'm willing to put up with (to a large degree) with old creepy men and stares from young guys. I can't NOT look good. It makes me twitch. Ugh. And on top of that...why do I feel like I HAVE to be nice?! Ugh. I quit. I'm just going to start to ignore the stupid men that come into my line. It's easier that way. Someone come and save me!?

Monday, June 23, 2008

The monetary means just aren't around.

Oh dear me. I've just realized I'm up a creek without a paddle when it comes to my college funds. I don't know how I'm going to do it. This must be how you felt. Sheesh. Talk about scrambling. I have to pay off my credit card. Then I have to pay for books out of my own pocket. Then I have my ASA bill. Then I have food/phone bill. Plus the extras that come up aka hygene stuff. Sigh. I know I can make it work. It's just going to take some serious penny pinching. Yay. Penny pinching AND trying to figure out what God wants for my life.....no pressure at all. I have to figure this all out. No more jacking off. My priorities HAVE to be in line this year. God, family, education, work, friends/sorority, free time. Sigh. This year is going to be tough but I really think that it's going to teach me some VERY important lessons. I just hope I can get past the drama that surrounds that school (and me) and protect myself from getting so caught up in the social scene that I forget about what's really important right now. Lord help me. It's going to be hard but I know that it's something I can do. We both know it. It just takes wisdom and discipline. Blah. Discipline. Such an annoying thing. In the long run good....but in the short term....annoying. Oy vey. We can do this. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." HELP!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Follow the yellow brick road

So today someone made a comment that bothered me......like majorly. They said they had heard some pastor say that he can't believe how many kids go to college, spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on an education and not know what God's will is for their life. The pastor went on to say that he wouldn't spend a dime on his child's education until that kid knew what God's will was. I was sitting there thinking....WHAT!!??? Perhaps it's my own pride and arrogance but all I could say was, "sounds to me like he's trying to put God into a box." The person telling the story said, "well it sure would make the kid figure out what God's will was." They're right to some degree. Yet, we all know God works in ways we don't expect.
Which leads me to my next point- what does God want for MY life? I have to decide on a major by the end of this year. I have to realize, discover, find or however you want to call it what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Say what!? Yeah. I know. I'm terrified. Shaking in my boots. Filled with so many doubts. I can't do this. I can't. I'm not sure what God wants for my life. Not only that but what if I do pursue something that I think is what God wanted for me and it's not!? Sigh. I just have this certainty that I'm going to fail. I'm going to mess it all up. I'm going to live my life, get to Heaven and God's going to tell me that I did it all wrong. That I failed Him. I find it retardedly ironic (or whatever word that describes this situation) that here I am and the only thing I'm sure of is that I'm not going to be who God wants me to be. That I'm going to destroy it all. I don't WANT to! I just know me....I know what I am and am not capable of. Ugh. I have a headache. Pray for me. I need it. This thing called life is getting VERY complicated for me and I need some serious peace and wisdom.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Make a wish.

Word of advice- lose yourself in Christ.

Only He can help you be the truest you.

Only He can help you maintain balance.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Wrapped around her little finger.

So today I was checking people at my register when this couple came into my line. The guy was rather handsome (he was older and way out of my league....) but he had a little girl in the basket and she was crying. His wife was up front making sure I didn't screw up so she was preoccupied. The guy kept trying to get the baby to calm down....I don't know....I could just tell he loved that girl. He took his big key ring out and gave it to her to chew on. Then as they were walking away he put his arm around his wife. It just drove a dagger into my heart. Retarded. I know. Yet, here I am 19 and I know one....two....three....four couples at least who have married at the same age and are leading successful marriages. Not only that but I want to see a guy look at my kids the same way that guy looked at his daughter (or whomever's she was).......Sigh. I'm not even sure that it's going to happen anymore.

Lord please remind me why You made me this way ??.....

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Why dance in the rain when it matches the lousy mood?

Bleh. I hate feeling this way...discontent...irritated...betrayed...basically mad enough to yell. I hate it when people break their promises. I know I know. I've broken promises. I've been a coward. Yet, not in these situations. haha...I try way to freakin' hard. Whatever. What will be will be. No more I say. It's in God's hands now. Maybe I'm just a shooting star....or maybe it just needs time...I pray....that's it. I'll pray. Novel idea eh? Sigh. Lord help me to let go....I have a problem with it. I expect way too much. Or maybe I don't. Bleh. Only You know what's really going on...only You know what's going on in this heart. So please give me wisdom on how to deal with this situation. Only You. :) Love ya Jesus. Muaw!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Still learning how to bend.

Oh dear me. I've gone and done it again. Sigh. Why do we get so caught up in our lives that we forget the most important person in our lives??? Why do I promise myself to not let myself slip through God's fingers again.....and then I go and do it?! Even as I lay here I don't want to get my Bible out....I just want to take some meds and go to bed. Sigh. Not only do I need to work on my spiritual side....I MUST work on my physical. Weird thing to say....I know. But my back has been hurting for awhile now and I'm pretty sure it's because I have hyperextended back muscles (or whatever the term is for over strengthened muscles) but no abs. I'm thinking it's putting too much pressure on my lower back which is then hurting and causing my upper back to tense up. Ay yi yi. I need to go get a massage. haha...anyone want to give me one for free?! Anyway. I digress. I've been fighting with myself to not be desperate or clingy....and I think I've succeeded. I went for nearly a week and a half without any real contact. (hehe makes it sound like I'm talking about aliens.) So I'm super proud of myself for that. It's a major accomplishment. Yet, I know I still need to work through some things. I just wish there came a point in our lives where we "arrived." When we can sit down and take a breather and still know that God will look us in the eye and tell us we did well. Perhaps it's just how I was raised. Maybe I don't need to "fix" myself like I feel like I must. Maybe all God wants for me to do is accept who I am.....I seriously doubt it though. A loving God He is....a complacent God He is not. That makes me smile because if God was a complacent God....we would be up a creek without a paddle.....to say it cleanly. Oy vey. I have more random thoughts but they're starting to become scattered due to my headache and backache. sheesh.... Someone's broken. haha....have a good night. LOVE YA!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Here with you I am safe.

This time in my life is good. I have finally learned the art of caring without actually fighting for something. I can let go without actually letting go. I don't know what the future may hold for me but right now.....things are good. Jesus is happy for me. :) Sigh. I love my life and everone in it.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

La Vie En Rose

Is a good movie. Depressing as ever. But good. All I can feel right now is overwhelming pity for a woman who was born into a hard life and chose to remain in it and fear of old age. Why must we age? When I was younger I didn't really mind the thought of growing old and wrinkly...now I'm beginning to fear it. I've seen what can happen to the elderly and I've seen the effect those things have on their children and grandchildren. I don't want to break my children's hearts. I don't want to get old and angry and bitter hurting those who love me best. I don't want to get old. Silly, I know, because what other choice do I have?? None. Still, Lord help me to grow old gracefully. Help me to live a life of love for You and my family. That's what I need to remember. That as long as I have Jesus I'll never be alone, even if I get dementia or alzheimers..........Jesus will always be there. Wow. That's the most amazing thought and I have proof. Just ask Kelly or Kristen or my mom about my grandma Kelly. That amazing woman could hardly remember her own daughter's name but when we started to pray for her.......she knew her Jesus. She knew her Savior. Oh God help us to live a life like that. Help us that when everything else dissappears...You're the only person left...help us to feel Your presence....Your love. :) Because in the end....that's why were here.

Where ARE you?

Sigh. I'm kinda missing people. I want to see them. Argh. Why oh why do gas prices have to be so high and why oh why do we have to live in seperate towns???

Saturday, June 14, 2008

She won't make a sound. Alone in this fight with herself and these fears.

"I beseech you therefore, breathern, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be confomed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is thatgood and acceptable and perfect will of God."
Romans 12:1 & 2
Eep. That's all I can say. For the past three days I've been busy/exhausted/preoccupied with other things to sit down and read my Bible. Well today due to an unexplainable milady that is stupidly keeping me up till 1 in the morning despite the fact I've only had 16 hours of sleep in the past two days in comparison to my normal 24 hours in a 2 day time span. Not only that but I also worked from 9 to 6 on one of the busiest days of the summer....PLUS its a Saturday. Ugh. Standing for that long kills my shoulders (weird huh?) and my poor wacked out feet but I digress. ;)
So I've been struggling with some hurt that's in my heart. I've been rejected and ignored by somepeople and I'm tired of it. I want to lash out. I want to keep quiet and remove myself from their lives. I want to talk to them. I want to hurt them. I know I deserve better treatment but I still care about them. So how do I handle the situation? I don't know. In Romans 12 it, of course, says "Do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written "Vengence in Mine, I will repay," says the Lord." Well ok. So I don't lash out or do anything retarded.....in other words I don't be normal and human. But how much do we take before we let go?? Jesus says we're supposed to forgive 7 times 7 and to "turn the other cheek." But what about boundaries?? Especially in relationships? Sigh I don't know what I need to do....well I know I need to forgive....but what do I do?! Do I talk to them about it? Or do I just leave it alone? Or do I just "ignore" them until they decide to contact me? Ay yi yi. Oh what a tangled web we weave when at first we do deceive. Only I'm not the one deceiving. Sheesh. Well, it says do not conform to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind....then you'll know the will of God. So that's what I'll work on doing. Renewing my mind....staying in the world but not OF the world....Between reading and praying and keeping away from the world I'll figure something out. Hopefully it won't take too long. :S Sigh. Well, dear world, I'm off to sleep. Love you and God bless. Muaw.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Ugh. Whatever. I'm getting used to being dropped without much explanation. I'll say no more, do no more, or expect any thing else. Wish you hadn't decided to be this way...but that's the way things go..... Sigh. :(

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Safe

How did You know that I'm all alone today?
Oh I feel so scared and I want to go away.
I bleed so deep underneath my soul is screaming.
I'm not gonna hide.
I'm not gonna run away.
I uncover the scars and show You every mistake.
Your love is mending my blisters and the bruising shame.
Here with You I am safe
Drowning in tears
Won't make it go away
It's robbing my soul So I'm taking this mask off my face
To discover love and uncover all it means to live and breathe.
I'm not gonna hide.
I'm not gonna run away.
I'll uncover the scars and show You every mistake.
Your love is mending my blisters and the bruising shame.
Here with You I am safe.
When You uncover I discover I am not afraid.
But when we're hiding we end up fighting to be sane.
I'm not gonna hide.
I'm not gonna run away.
I'll uncover the scars and show You every mistake.
Your love is mending my blisters and my bruising shame.
Here with You I am safe.
By- Natalie Grant

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

God closed my eyes. Now I can see.

"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord. " For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are my ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain comes down , and the snow from heaven, And do not return there, But water the earth, And make it bring forth and bud, That it may give seed to the sower And bread to the eater, So shallf My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void but it shall accomplish what I please, And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it."
Isaiah 55:8-11 NKJV
I heard once that if you want to make God laugh tell Him all your plans. I had to smile at that. I think most of us can see the ironic humor it that statement. Lately I've been feeling a little lost. I'm not really sure why. I just feel homeless. I don't know where I'm going or what I need to do with my life. Everytime I come home something else changes in my future. I still smile when I think about how my senior year in high school everytime it hit 11:11 I would pray/hope/wish that I would meet my future husband my freshman year. I'm sure that you're smiling at this and as most of you know (or possibly don't) I'm not engaged. The amazing thing is that I don't mind. I'm content with who I am right now. (And please pray with me that this contentment doesn't leave.....) God has plans for me and I need to figure them out before I start looking for a husband. How can I follow a man in unity if I don't even know in which direction I'm going?? This is good. This is where I need to be. Funny how the moment I'm blind of my future is the moment I'm most at peace. I smile because I'm happy. Jesus loves me. What more can a girl need?? :) :) :)

Monday, June 9, 2008

Boys vs Girls

"And next to him was Shallum the son of Hallohesh, leader of half the district of Jerusalem; he and his daughters made repairs."
Nehemiah 3:12
So today my dad FINALLY decided to fix the floor in our kitchen. It was pretty funny. Every time I went into the kitchen I had to smile at it. I mean seriously how many people put holes in their kitchens the size of a coffin?? I know, I know a seriously gruesome joke but still there was just something fun about the whole situation. Probably the fact that my dad and I worked together and joked with each other. I've been thinking lately how differently my dad would have probably treated us girls if he had been given a son. Part of me wonders if we would have been pampered, treated as princesses, made to do little to no hard labor. Instead we were raised to learn how to mow the yard (not that THAT's a hard thing to learn.... haha), how to check the oil, the tire pressure, how to fix a kitchen floor, getting under a trailer home and pulling out insulation (ugh...hated when I had to do that.....every summer....blah.) These are just a few things that we've been taught. We also learned what it meant to be leaders in a church, to be the ones who go down to the church and no one else show up, to be the worship/youth/children/lawn care providers. Then as daughters we were expected to learn what it meant to cook, clean and respect a male authority in our lives. I thank God that we weren't given a brother. Please don't get me wrong. I would have LOVED having a brother. Yet, as I look back I feel that God knew what He was doing when He gave my dad all girls. My father has helped mold and shape three beautiful, strong, independent (well if we need to be..haha), intelligent women. I love this verse from Nehemiah. When I read it over the winter break it hit me like a ton of bricks. Isn't it amazing how the most seemingly menial verse can speak to your heart like a rain in the desert? That's how it was for me. I am a daughter working with my father toward the betterment and growth of the Kingdom of God. No one can tell me that I don't have a right to stand beside my father and help him just because I'm a female. I have a mind, an intellect, a heart and a soul. I have something more to offer this world than food, children and a comfortable home for my husband. God help me to become a woman after His own heart. A woman like the judge Deborah, like the humble yet strong Ruth, the compassionate but passionate Rahab, and the young but wise Mary....just to name a few. Women who were worthy. Women deemed necessary in God's word. Lord mold me into a woman like them.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Back to the beginning.

"You ran well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth? This persuasion does not come from Him who calls you. A little leaven leavens the whole lump. I have confidence in you, in the Lord, that you will hve no other mind; but he who troubles you shall bear his judgement, whoever he is....For you, breathern, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another."
Galatians 5:7-11;13 NKJV

How quickly we become distracted by the world when we first become "free" from the confines of our families. For me, this past year was filled with rebellion and learning hard lessons. I was alone away from the safety net of my parents love, the wisdom and strength of my spiritual father, the love and care of my spiritual mother and the peace found in my home church. I'm so sorry to admit that. I prided myself in the knowledge that I was one of the few "strong" Christians in my school, that I knew the Bible better than a teacher, and that I led a life fitting for a Christian girl. Oh what a silly naive girl I was. I look on the past year and am filled with sickness. How could I have become the person am I now? Why did I let myself become this? "Oh wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God-through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Yet, God is calling me back to my roots, to the beginning, to the place where it all started. Just as with Abraham in Genesis 12 and 13 "and he went on his journey from the South as far as Bethel, to the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Ai, to the place of the altar which he had made there at first. And there Abraham called on the name of the Lord." Sometimes in order to move forward we must first return to our beginnings. Sometimes in order to move on we must first remember where it all started. Oh how many altars throughout my life have I forgotten? My journey of faith is marked by the moments when God showed Himself to me. The moment when I asked Him into my heart. The moment I was prophesied over. The moment I realized my fear was gone. The moment I realized that if I am in Christ I am a new creation, no longer bound by the old man, but made new through the love of Christ. So many forgotten moments. Let's go back to the beginning. Back to our first Love. Back to the moment of realization. Back to the altars in our lives.


On a night like this I could fall in love.

Sigh. My heart is quiet. I'm trying, pursuing, searching for Jesus to fill my heart. God makes me smile. The fact that He created romance. He created a most wonderful thing. The fact that a night sky could make someone feel loved. To realize that He created the stars for us. For me. The gentle whisper of the wind as it blows through the dry grass bringing the smell of summer. No romance equals that. No amount of words or good deeds will equal the glorious creation God made or the heart wrenching sacrifice He gave. God is love. He is the epitomy of love. My creator is love and that is the only way I'll ever know TRUE love. Is for me to become so completely consumed, filled, saturated with God's love that I don't NEED anyone else's love to survive. God is slowing watering this flower. My life is slowing blooming into the creation He orginally created me to be. I'm changing, morphing into the truest sense of myself on this side of Heaven. The Lord works in mysterious ways but in the end they are the most beautiful, suprising, gentle ways. He's amazing. I'm falling in love with my Savior all over again. He's my prince. The love of my life. I will serve Him as I would any man I would have married. That's my duty, my call, my desire. I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. Thank the Lord.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

A cold cold heart.

Is the hardest thing to understand.

Friday, June 6, 2008

The Leading Lady

So I read that the other day and it didn't really sink in until today. I love saying it, "Leading lady." It gives visions of dresses, spot lights, and perfection. Silly, I know. But I like thinking that I'm the leading lady in God's play called Kathleen's life. Especially when I think about being a strong, independent, wise, self-supporting woman. A woman that would make my dad proud. A woman that can change a tire or fix a faucet leak or balance a check book while maintaining a monthly budget. I was talking to my sister today about how sometimes I wish my dad had been given a boy. I say that only because my dad has raised us girls to be very independent. I can't decide if that's good or not. Part of me thinks its wonderful! I can check the oil in my car. I don't need a man to survive. Yet, at the same time I'm scared that my desire or perhaps even need to be independent will destroy any hope for a good marriage. I'm not some stupid woman who can't think for herself. No. I pride myself, perhaps even too much sometimes, in my intellect, in my ability to think about the deeper things in life, in being able to reason things and to decide the best course of action. Granted like all people I make mistakes, HUGE ones, but that just makes it even better when I screw up but learn from my mistakes. But this is not all I have on my mind tonight.

I was thinking about college and the possibility of going to a different university. I just don't know. I'm praying about it. I'm scared/relieved when I feel that God is calling me to go to another school. Yet, at the same time I'm scared, terrified, even to leave. Kerrville used to be my home but now I'm starting to wonder what's the point of me staying here? I'm not making a difference. In fact all I'm doing in conforming to what the world would like me to be. I'm not making a radical difference on campus. I'm not trying to better the campus. I know that God never calls us to just be. He never tells us to go to a college JUST for an education. He never tells us to work at a job JUST for the job. We are called to be doers of the Word. Can I do that at Schreiner? Can I become strong enough, brave enough, wise enough to make a difference? Or am I to be always confined to the selfish desires of my heart? The fear? The weakness? I know that I'm always going to struggle with my flesh. That's the sentence of being human. Yet, I'm tired of just being. I want to be a LEADING LADY. I want to LEAD, to have the light of God shine out of me so brightly that people can easily, trustfully follow me. Can I do it? Or will I go back to school and get sucked back into a sinful waste of complacency? Oh Lord I want to be an influence. I want to show people the way to You. But God I'm terrified. Just as Mother Teresa, sometimes I wish You wouldn't trust me with so much. I know I'm going to mess up. HORRIBLY. And I don't want to take anyone down with me. I don't want to cause someone else to fall or to reject You completely. I don't want to break someone. How do I speak the truth in love? What does that mean??! God help me. Help this world. Open their ears. Break down the walls around their hearts. Wash their eyes with Your holy water so that they may see how far they have truly fallen. Help me to learn how to conquer or to deal with this fear. It stops me from truly becoming anything important in Your kingdom. I'm so scared of failing, of messing up, of ruining Your plan. So I just don't act. I don't DO anything. I just sit like a good little girl not touching anything. Children are to be seen not heard. Sigh. I'm so messed up. Only God can make something useful out of my life. Hopefully between He and I we can work this mess all out. :) Anyway. I'm tired and want to go talk to my sister. I love ya'll. Goodnight.......

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Going on strike.

No more Facebook, Myspace or Aim for a while. Let's see how hard it's going to be on me and how long I can go.......

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Who can save me?

So today I was sitting at the dining room table, hands folded, eyes closed and my mind a million miles off from the blessing my dad was saying. I thought, for the hundreth time since I've gotten back, about why I didn't pray. My thought was, "Well Kathleen, call "him" and have him tell you AGAIN that you're saved and you don't need to worry about anything." And then it hit me. Everytime I ask someone to convince to me that I'm saved I'm asking THEM to save me. What the freak? I mean seriously. Where is my heart? Where is my faith? Where is my desire to read the Word? Where is my relationship with Jesus? I pray but it seems that all I get is resounding silence. Silence terrifies me. If you don't talk to me that means, in my mind at least, that something's wrong. So how do I fix this?! I know it's fixable by the very fact I'm writing this. I have let myself get so far down I can barely see the light to get back up. I'm so confused. But one thing I do know. Don't let the world drag you down into the pit because once you go it's very hard to get back up. I don't drink, I don't have sex, I don't smoke, I don't go out with boys who are a bad influence......but I've let my relationship with God take back seat. Pshaw. Not even back seat- more like at the very bottom of a pile of junk riding in a trailor hooked up to the car. Now my life is so crazy I can't find Him. I'm having to dig through a lot of junk to find Him again. I'm such a fool. Only God loves me enough to die for me. Only God loves me enough to stick by my side no matter what I do (well as long as I still love Him.) And how have I returned the favor? By sticking Him at the bottom of my "to-do" list. God? How stupid am I? Sigh. I'm ashamed. So very ashamed. If only I had stayed true to myself. But if if's and but's were candies and nuts we would have Christmas all year. Oh Lord save me.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Oh dear. Here we go again. 9 Months Later.

So I went to my job today. I start tomorrow. Yeah. I'm not too excited. But I've already decided to go there with a smile and a caring heart. So pray for me. I haven't touched a register in 9 months and I'm worried I'm going to mess it all up. Hopefully tomorrow won't be filled with too many mess ups. :)

Friday, May 30, 2008

All that is within me cries

Ok. So I've just bought a book called "Beside Every Good Man" by Serita Ann Jakes (wife of T.D. Jakes.) I'm only a few pages into it and already had to stop so I could process the information. So I'm going to adress two issues right here because you're probably wondering them. 1. Why am I reading a book about being a supportive wife when I am not a wife? and 2. Why I already had to stop reading to blog my thoughts?

In response to your first assumed question- well, I've realized something. I'm TERRIFIED that I'm going to get a divorce. Now I know you're probably sitting there thinking, "well Kathleen if you marry the man that God has for you it won't be a problem." You're right. It shouldn't be. But even still I know that I have issues when it comes to relating to men that will cause problems throughout my life. So I'm trying to read books that can give me Godly insight on how to better relate to men, how to establish strong relationships and realize who I am away from men and close to God. If you've read my previous blogs you can tell (I think) that I've been struggling with things. Well as an update/explanation for the first time last night, I think, I prayed that God's will be done in my life. For the first time in a while I actually became scared that what I think I want might actually be God's will! Retarded. I know. That's Kathleen for ya. But the fact is.....I PRAYED FOR God's will IN MY LIFE! It's a freeing thought to know that I'm on the right track. That I'm taking steps forward in my walk with God, small as they may be. Sigh. Let's pray that I keep walking forward and not slip back into disrepair cause Satan is flippin' over this. Idiot. Ugh. Anyway....

On to the second question.

So why did I have to stop reading to write this rather extensive blog? I've realize something. Oh man. This is big. Probably not to you but to me...this epiphany....is huge. My relationships are directly affected by my relationship (or lack thereof) with God. I MUST stand alone with God before I can truly offer myself as a Godly wife. Holy freakin' cow! I mean seriously! I can't even begin to tell you what this does to my heart, mind, body, soul. One thing I can say- it's not exactly a....jumping for joy moment. I knew this summer was going to be good for something. ;) God is going to move in my life this summer and beyond. You have no idea how....anxious..... I am to see the finished product. Even though we're never truly finished becoming who God has created us to be. "Count it pure joy when the world comes crashing. Hold your head up and keep on dancing." Anyway. Since I can't truly explain how I'm feeling I'm going to stop trying. :) Love you and be blessed by this one life God has given! Goodnight!!!!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Why do we have to break in order to heal?

So I've just read my posts from as far back as January. Wow. That's all I can say. It makes me sad to see the downward spiral my life has taken. I hate that I was so "strong" and now I'm so "weak." Oh how to change the drastic change? How do I grasp onto that faith and hope and love and contentment again? How do I become the person I no longer am? Questions that I know the answers to I just don't want to put the work into it. Hm...I think I'm finally learning what it means to have a personal relationship with God....a relationship outside of the comfort of a home where your father is a pastor....a relationship outside of the church you've grown up in since you were 6.....a relationship outside of the town you've lived in almost all your life. These struggles don't make me horrible or less of a Christian....they make me human. Yet, I know that I can't sit here and blog about these things without making them a part of my life. Action is the only thing that will fix this. So that's what I need to pray for- that God will give me the gumption to act.

On a side note- mainly writing this because I'm bored and it is now sufficiently stuck in my head.... I started reading "New Moon" by Stephenie Meyer again. It's about vampires for anyone who hasn't read it yet. Now once again before you freak out on me....there is not horrible gore or stupidness....or well much of anything....mainly because the vampires in this book are different. They don't suck human blood. Gasp! I know! What an amazing twist! haha....ANYWAY. But the point is- these people/vampires are turned into vampires. They do not become evil in and of themselves. Not only that but they train themselves to work AGAINST their nature, to defy the senses and all expectations. Doesn't that remind you of real people? Now I know I'm digging WAY too deep into a book that was written for pure pleasure but still. It's an interesting thought that I won't finish. ;) But now its out of my mind and on this blog. haha....thanks for understanding.....

I must have walked too close to love because now I'm falling in.

So for the past two days I've sat on my bed and stared at the computer....a-l-l day.... Pathetic? sure. Boring? you bet. Do I regret it? nope. :) I'm the product of public schools. Now that's something I'm starting to regret but we can't change the past now can we? So I just gotta move on. haha... Anyway. I would just like to say that I love 3 Doors Down. I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing yet because I could have sworn they were Christian (well the lyrics anyway.) Good thing I never did because I do believe I'm completely wrong! I still like them though. They have some pretty nice lyrics and sound a lot like Nickleback without the cussing. So that's the plus for me! I curled my hair today but with my bangs cut straight across my face it makes me look too much like a little girl. Sigh. I HATE it when my fashion ideas don't work out but if that's the worst thing that happens to me I'll have a pretty nice life.
Yet, I digress. The reason I've stared at my computer for the past two days is that I've two wonderful bloggers. As mentioned the second to last post, I have found the perfect human family. It's a kind of joke with myself to basically make myself feel better about how imperfect I am. I know they aren't perfect...not even close....but reading these two women's posts make me feel like I'm reading from one of Karen Kingsbury's (I think that's how you spell it.... :S ) books. How can two women posses such faith and trust in God despite the trials and tribulations they have to endure on a daily bases?? As I read these blogs my first thought is, "I wish I was like them," but my next thought jumps in (much like the proverbial angel and demon on the shoulders) saying, "haha...what a joke...you'll NEVER be like them! Look at your life now. See how badly you've screwed up? That's what the rest of your life will be like. So no point in trying." sigh. I wish for the time in my life when I'm no longer wishing. I mean, there's a sense of romanticism in being a dreamer, it's nice and fun but there comes a point in one's life when dreaming is no longer enough. I want reality. (haha...if anyone is reading this that has known me for a long time...you're gasping right now from surprise. ;) It's cool. I understand, I did too.) I just want to be happy in God's will...but the catch is that I want God's will to match what I want....and we all know that's probably not going to happen. So I'm waiting, holding on to what I want, not praying about it until I decide to do what God wants me to do. See the thing is I'm not even praying about what I do have because I'm so scared that God's going to tell me to let it go....granted He also might not but I'm not willing to take the chance. Ay yi yi. What a tangled web we weave when at first we do deceive. I know that my lack of prayer and Bible reading is not only hurting myself but everyone around me. Not directly, mind you, but its hurting me so its going to hurt my relationships with the people I love....that's just how it works out. Oh dear, just thinking about it makes me tense up and sad. How can these relationships be wrong if they drive me to better myself?? Thanks to these relationships I have read REAL books- aka psychology and not romance- one after the other trying to figure some stuff out and before you go and get your knickers in a knot the books I'm reading are written by good Godly women....well would you say Dr. Laura Schlesinger (spelling it phonetically, haha) is Godly? Anyway, my point is that I love my new relationships and I'm terrified that God is going to take these apparent good relationships away from me. So I just don't know. It appears as if I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Welp, I'm losing focus and probably not making anymore sense. So I'm off. I'll let you know my theological progress as well as my psychological...oh and my relationships....OH! AND....my first few days back at Wal-Mart. (Play scary movie music here....) Sigh pray for me cause I'm gonna need it.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

My Nightlight

So as I was getting ready to go to bed I switched on the nightlight in the bathroom a habit that was established in me when I was just a little girl. But I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with God. I've really been struggling. I'm ashamed to admit it. But tonight as I switched on that precious nightlight a thought hit me. God is my nightlight. I know. I know. It sounds cheesy. Oh goodness. Why am I so frightened by the very thought of obeying God?! Why am I so sure that He's going to ask the impossible of me?! Why am I refusing to even hear Him out?! Or maybe I am doing His will but I'm freaking myself out with all this worrying. Sigh I don't know. Ha. When do I ever know? I need to make some progress and soon. Life is moving quickly past me and if I don't figure some stuff out soon I'll miss the train. Blargh. My head hurts.

Speaking tongue-tied.

So I have finally met the perfect family. Not really but it certainly appears that way from the outside looking in. Haha...I almost don't want to blog anymore. If you want to read about some amazing people just message me and I will direct you to them because you won't find them here on mine. Blah. Oh well. God has given a set of talents to each person and it appears I'm lacking in all meaningful creative things. I'm good at being self-absorbed though.....do you think God would give someone that kind of talent? hrm. Thought to ponder. Anyway. On to my life. That's hasn't been documented on here for a month now. :S

The last month of my freshman year was an exciting but stressful mix of new relationships, skipping class, nearly failing classes, getting a new job, learning how to let go of some stupidity that had become part of my life due to my own selfishness and figuring out my relationship with God.

On the subject of new relationships- he's an amazing mix of different and same-ness. He was a friend before we ever tried to establish anything. Hallelujah. He's in a band and not just a band but a rock band. Despite the fact that I'm not a huge fan of hard music that I find difficult to understand...this band is different......he has an amazing voice with which he accentuates by using clear diction (I'm not a choir nerd....) and writes truly wonderful/amazing/moving songs. He treats me well and we're friends....honestly right now that's all I need.

Classes were ugh. I'm having to pray about my lack of drive when it comes to grades, homework, and my life in general. I just didn't care. My IS class was an 8 o'clock class that taught you how to use Word. Seriously, how many people DON'T know how to use Word?! Sheesh. It was more than that but at the same time it strangely wasn't. My history class was easy. I only read like 6 chapter the entire semester. That was nice. But at the same time I'm ashamed about it because I didn't learn much of anything substantial. Talk about seeing how little I could do to get by. Sigh. My fitness class was ok in the end. I'm glad that I had the professor I did now. He expected us to actually....gasp....work out for our grade! At first I liked that fact, then I started to resent it, but now I appreciate it. I'm even running/walking two miles several times a week. (Although that might sadly change due to Wal-Mart quickly taking over my life in the next week.....sad day.) I feel good when I think about running or actually go running because I know I'm finally doing something good for my body. Choir is now non-existent. I'm glad but at the same time sad. I love singing but I hate the politics of choir. Anyway. Moving on....

I'm so excited about my new work study job next semester and my position on the Judicial Board! yeah....so far that's all I can say about those two subjects....I have dreams to do special things with both positions but I don't want to get ahead of myself. :)

Oh dear me, letting go. So I've finished this past week two books on understanding men and how they think. "The Care and Proper Feeding of Husbands" and "Women Only" were written by two complete different women but talk about the same exact subjects. It was pretty amazing. I can't even begin to explain how amazing these two books are. I sincerely advise EVERY woman to read them. So I've been trying really hard to let go of my warped view of men and realize how men really think and live and feel. I've decided I'm not going to go into it. Its something that can only be appreciated in deed. Words don't mean much in this area. I read once that words are like a whisper but actions are like a thunderclap. I like that. There's so much truth in it.

Now on to the one subject I can't even begin to express properly. I don't read my Bible or pray like I should....in other words.....not at all. I hate it. I think a huge part of it is that I'm terrified that God is going to ask me to do something that 1. I can't and/or 2. I won't want to. As the pastor's daughter I am I know that God will work in me to will and do His good pleasure and that greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. Yet, I'm terrified to let go and let God. The hardest thing for me to do right now is to trust God. To trust that this- invisible to the human eye- being has my best interest at heart and that everything He has planned for my life is better than what I want or could have planned. I'm so scared, terrified even, that the life I'm living is completely and entirely wrong. That the friends I have are wrong. The school I'm going to is wrong. The major I'm thinking about is wrong. The questions I'm thinking are wrong. I'm scared that I'm just...wrong. Silly to anyone reading this probably but its real in my mind and heart. I just need to figure out what why I'm here. There are things that I'm 95% sure of:
1. I'm a Christian.
2. I'm supposed to go to Paris/Europe
3. I'm going to either adopt or become a foster parent.
4. I want to help people with their problems.
But other than that....I'm lost. So this summer is going to be about finding myself as defined by God......Sheesh....Just saying that makes me want to run and hide. Sigh.

So that's a brush-up on the life of me. I'm off to find myself. :) Be back soon!

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

This is me of the now...

So I went to my IS class today....for the first time in two weeks. My professor gave me a lecture about how I'm going to have to work for my grade in order to pass the class. I knew that. But now I'm starting to feel terrible about failing this class. I've let go of everything this past semester. I just didn't care. I know I know....excuses don't mean squat when it comes to reality and growing up. I don't WANT to fail. I just don't care enough about the class to get out of bed at 7:30 in the morning to work for a grade. Does that make me a horrible person? No. Does it make me a lazy person? Yes. Does it make me immature? Yes. But how many other students throughout the ages have failed a class or two? A lot. I'm not saying that I'm ok with failing this class....not at all. It bothers me a lot. I've never been a for all extensive purposes a....failure.....before. So this is coming at me from a new angle and I hate it. I don't want to go home because I know what my family and friends are going to say. But I'm thinking that next semester is going to be ok. The gist of the problem is that I need to grow up. Blah. Growing up is over rated. Seriously. But since I have to I will. Soon enough. Sigh. Welp I'm going to go now. See you in a few. Love, joy, and peace! Muaw!

Friday, March 28, 2008

The fear of a girl in the life of a woman.....

I don't even know what to write anymore. I don't think there's really a point in trying anymore. Shrug. I'm tired and wishing I could just live without the stress of boys or school or work or responsibility....but we all know that isn't ever going to happen. Sigh. Whatever. I think that boys are retarded. They know how girls are. So why do they still do things that they KNOW is just going to hurt the girl?? Because when it all comes down to it...they don't care. So in the end I was right. Thank you so much for proving me right.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Back from the past....

Wow....I'm amazed at how people can feel something for someone and then poof...the feelings are gone.....the care, the appreciation, the respect....gone....like a whisper in the wind... But I'm starting to learn that that's how this life is....and even though it stinks horribly.... I'm starting to appreciate that fact.... I'm glad that I'm getting a chance to learn to relate better with people...that I'm getting a chance to be independent....that I'm learning who I am. That I'm starting to learn the amazing fact that I don't need a guy!!! Yay me! ;) I would love to have a guy around who loves me for me and cares for me and will stick around for ever and always but that's not what God has for me right now. I know I'll forget this soon but at least I knew it for awhile. :S Have I mentioned that guys are overrated?? haha.... I don't hold the drama against all of them....I just know that women hold guys on WAY too high of a pedestal... shrug.....that's what we usually pathetically do when we can't handle ourselves....we want someone else to do something for us that only we can do for ourselves......no one can make me happy until I make myself happy. So I'm starting to learn to say....screw the world.....I will be who I am....accept me or deny me......it hurts but I'll get over it. God made life hard...but NEVER impossible. I'm a survivor....hehe.....SOOooooooOOOooo HaPpY!!! Muaw! My kisses are sweeter than honey.... ;)

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Wishing for.....

That someone who loves me. The person who will help me.....complete me....find me......fight for me.....stand with me......

Monday, March 10, 2008

This is me, you're talking to.......the one who really knows you.....

I'm so stressed right now. I just want to live without living....without the stress.....but we all know that ain't going to happen....oh well. I'm trying so hard to grow up but it really is hard and I'm seriously starting to wonder if 1. I'm even growing any and 2. if I ever will reach the end of maturing.....I'm scared I won't. I'm scared I'll always be stuck in this childlike mentality of having everyone take care of me....being selfish...and rude....but the thing is I don't feel that I am......Yet, everyone else seems to think I am. I'm actually at the point where I don't want to have anything to do with men. Amazing isn't it? Its not that I'm holding all this drama against them....I'm just enjoying being myself without having to force someone to love me.....That doesn't work....just in case anyone was wondering......haha.... I'm hoping if I just sit, be myself and not force anything....the man that God has for me will come.....sure its probably going to take awhile and that's not a very comforting thought......but I'm willing to accept it. :) I'm tired of being happy with a guy and then him ruining it all because he doesn't like how I am......shrug. Oh well. That's just the way its going to be for awhile and I think that for now I'm ok with that.... Well this isn't super deep....I can't focus...I have too much stuff to do in order to do that.....haha...hope you have a great night! love love love!!! muaw!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you...

I feel like I'm just meant to hurt people. Its seems like I either need/use people and then I turn around and hurt them. I don't mean to! I don't go into a situation thinking that I'm going to hurt someone......I just do. And it seems that I'm the worst for it. Shrug. If I was cruel and blantant in my hurting then I could fix it easier....but since I don't mean to and it just happens its going to take forever to fix. I just wish I was nicer....quieter.....better..... "here comes the excuses of why I let you down..." You know I'm sick of excusing myself. I'm sick of being weak. SICK OF IT! So I'm going to try my hardest to stop accepting my failures as the end all of my life. Its stupid and immature..........

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Facebook

Its so interesting reading the status's of friends on Facebook. You discover things about people that you never would otherwise. Sigh. I just don't know. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel like I'm stuck in a quagmire...not moving forward but also not moving backward. I'm just stagnant and the sad thing....at least to me.....is that I'm totally ok with it. A couple of weeks ago my life was an emotional wreck and now its about to turn in to a literal one. I have choir rehearsal till 10 tonight, I don't know if I have a test in my fitness class...which I haven't studied for at all if we do, I have a bio test on Thursday which is over material I don't understand ANYTHING about, our choir play is this weekend in which I'm expecting to be completely humiliated in due to the fact that I can't dance worth a lick, I have to clean bathrooms for campus ministry this weekend, plus work, plus wanting to have a social life........So far the good things this week that I haven't screwed up are my history test which I made a 90 on. I've learned the music fairly well for choir. I've started talking even more to some nice people. I don't know. I just don't have the gumption to do any of the things I NEED to do. Its terrible and very immature. Sheesh. Just thinking about it all makes me want to crawl back into bed and go back to sleep. But I can't because I've promised I won't miss another class. G-R-E-A-T..........oh well. I need to go get ready for class now. Hope ya'lls lives are a whole lot freakin' better than mine. :) Adios!

Monday, March 3, 2008

Tests...

So yesterday I went to church (yay me! haha) and the church has a guest speaker. He talked about the tests that God brings us through, relating the idea to the life of Joseph. It was interesting...to say the least. My mind says that this is why these things have been happening in my life but at the same time my heart refuses to believe it. The sermon was just presented too....simply. It didn't discuss the idea of satan fighting for us deeply enough. How do we judge if it is temptation or tests? How do we know if the things we are going through are of God.....and he is just "trying us by fire"? Or that its satan.....trying to bring us down.....trying to destroy us? No one has tried to kill me. No one has accused me of adultry. No one has thrown me in jail. But people have broken my heart. People have disregarded my feelings. People have proven my thoughts of myself. So is God testing me? Or is satan just trying to destroy me? I don't know. I honestly don't want to think about it. I just want to wake up in the mornings and have good days. I don't want to have to struggle through things. I've failed before and I'll probably fail again. I just wonder if maybe I can fix my emotional aspect then I can get through things like this better. I won't fail again. I don't know. Oh well. That's the way things are supposed to be I guess. I'm sleepy. :)

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Some things in life are overrated.....

Things like speech. I love how some people can come up to me and in the sweetest voice tell me something that breaks my heart. It's like poisoned honey. I can't believe the cruelty that can come from people. I don't care really about the situation in and of itself but I care about the fact that people say stupid things that don't need to be said and that hurt other people. But I release it. People who don't understand the fact that what they say do affect other people should be pitied.....So I'm glad that I'm happy. And I'm sorry for some people who don't know how to relate well with others. So yeah. That's my thought for the day. Love ya!

Friday, February 29, 2008

Wow.....

So all this drama going on in my life and come to find out it wasn't even necessary. I'm such an idiot. But right now I'm ok with that. I'm glad this time that I was wrong. I feel really bad though because ONCE again I assumed things before checking on the facts. When will I EVER learn???? Sheesh. So to the one I ignored....I'm sorry. I'm pretty sure if you read this you'll know what I'm talking about. When will we learn? Sigh. It's not fair. I've butchered this relationship enough as it is. I'm so so sorry. And I'll keep saying it until everything is fixed. I really hope you read this. I don't want my stupidity and her's to ruin everything. Because it might if you don't read this. Sigh. I'm so tired of causing problems for people. So it is no longer going to happen anymore. :) I promise.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

The girl's heart races as he walks by...
He slowly strides toward her
His smile lights up her world
But his eyes...the eyes that are windows to his soul...
Don't look her way...
He walks past her...
Smiling....
But not at her.....
Instead at the girl on the other side.

A sound comes from somewhere in the room...
A loud cracking noise
She looks around startled....
No one else seem concerned with the noise....
She realizes that its her heart....
Breaking....
She wonders at the pain...
Swimming in it.
Letting it envelop her,
Surrounding her,
Filling her,
Become her.
Now she walks around with a smile.
A smile that is hiding the shattered pieces of her heart.
And a life that wonders why.
Hiding the truth because in the end that's always easier than living.