Patience isn't a four letter word.

So I was reading a book the other day and it gave the definition of patience. I was blown away by the revelation that occured to me when I read it. You see many times people tell me that I just need to be patient and my whole life I've thought, "I AM patient! I'm not forcing something to happen. I'm waiting for it to." Yet, when you read the definition of patience you see it is not about the action of waiting per say so much as about the attitude-
1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.

I've come to realize I quite completely stink when it comes to patience. If I want something I want it, I want it to come to me quickly and I most definately don't want to be happy if I have to wait. Once again, I am the product of my generation. I am the product of my life experiences. I wish such wasn't the case but it is and so I must deal with the consequences. I must admit that I don't really know how to fix such a thing or perhaps I do I just don't want to. To gain patience means to be happy while waiting for something and it seems to me that once God realizes you're happy while waiting....why should He give you what your asking for? Granted that thought is completely based on human instinct. God gives us what we need exactly when we need it. Anyway, that's all for now. I don't have much else to say about much of anything else.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with the one step.

My entire life I have struggled with focusing on one particular change at a time. You see I'm one of those people that will start 4 projects and struggle to complete them all. I never really thought about this habit o'mine till tonight after church. Tonight the pastor spoke on platforms and how self-denial helps establish our God given platform even more. I have discovered I stink at self-denial. If I want it, I buy it. I feel it then I act on it. I have fed my flesh for the past 21 years of my life rather consistently. Oh sure there are things I have denied of myself such as drinking and drugs but those aren't the real struggles for me. As I've said before, there comes a time in your life when Satan stops tempting you with so many choices of good or bad and starts to tempt you with good and better, better and best. I have struggled with this. It's when it comes to the harder things that I usually choose the easier option- feed the flesh. Yet, I have become so completely disatisified with that way of living. It's too easy. There's no real story in it. There's no real victory in it. Who wants to read a fairy tale where there is no bad guy? There is no struggle? There is no triumph? If you're constantly feeding your flesh where is the struggle? Where is the triumph? The past couple of months I have slowly been pondering this thought but I have focused on so many other things that I haven't dealt with the real issue.



So I have decided to focus. James 1:8 says, "A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. " If I'm am divided amongst my issues I will never complete anything of importance. Perhaps this seems a little dramatic to you but I know me and I'm my own worst critic. In focusing on one thing, for example, work on self-denial, I will develop a stronger foundation for my life. I want to get my life all straight and figured out in one swoop of God's broom but that's not how He generally works. It's one step at a time. One block at a time. One stroke at a time. Just as He fouses on one issue, so should I. This self-denial thing is definately something He has been trying to teach me for the past couple of months.



Romans 12: 1 & 2 says, " I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." Every moment of my life I have to choose to present myself as a sacrifice on the high altar of God. I have developed the habit of just not climbing on that altar because I know I'll climb down eventually. Yet, as I have mentioned before I need to fight. I need to fight for my place in this world. For the person God made me to be. I may climb down every now and then but I need to start developing the habit of climbing right back on that altar. Then I need to let go of the world's point of view and develop within myself God's point of view. His ways are not ours and His thoughts are higher than ours. I do this by studying God's word. It is His word, written by Him for our benefit. By reading His word I discover the heart and mind of God. This will further help me to develop self-denial in myself. It is then that I will have a even more clear knowing of God's will in my life.



The first step though to this jorney of self-denial is, ironically enough, self-denial. I need to start in the small things. When I get angry and just want to cuss I need to shut my mouth. When all I want to do is lay down and sleep and not do my homework I need to stay up a little longer. When I get frustrated with someone instead of allowing that anger to lead to offenses I need to pray for them. When I want to buy a new dress that I don't really need I need to walk away. These probably sound like very simple things but they have been so hard for me to do. Yet, I need to remember that Luke 16:10 says, "he who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much..." If I can learn to deny myself little things then I can learn to deny myself of even greater things that God requires of me.



It's going to be interesting to see where God takes this but as always it'll be an adventure.

Spring Has Sprung

So today I was looking at classes for next semester. I am just blown away that I am going to be a senior next year. A senior in college. I have dreamed about this moment since I was 8. I remember when I would count how many years I had left till I was forever done with school. It's a terrifyingly exciting thought. School has defined my life and soon there will be other things that define it. There are moments like these when I look at my life and all I can see is the mess. Today I was walking back home after class thinking about my life and such things when I noticed that there was a sudden bloom of all these wild flowers in the past 24 hours. I smiled because I thought about how ugly campus looked just a few weeks ago. All brown and dead. Then in 24 hours up sprouts these beautiful little dandilions, buttercups, and pretty little purple flowers. That's how my life feels right now. For a little while I have been spiritually struggling with so many different things. Yet, with in the past couple of weeks, just as with spring, random little flowers pop up. I have discovered the truth of Isaiah 55: 8-13.

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow come down from heaven,

and do not return to it without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,

and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.

This will be for the LORD's renown, for an everlasting sign,

which will not be destroyed."

So often we hear God's word and there is no instant change. It's like the snow that sits up in the mountains. It falls but it's sitting till the right time to melt. When spring comes it melts and goes down the mountain to provide nurishment where ever it flows. Other times we hear God's word and it's like the rain. It gives instant change and nourishment. For me, I think the snow of God's word is melting and running down the mountains in my life to water the fertile soil in the valley of my heart. It's been hard and a struggle. Just as many winters are. Yet, spring is here and as I'm walking around the fields of my heart I am discovering the beauty that is deep within.

Oh I still struggle. I still wonder if I'm just a broken woman who will never be fulfilled in the many ways I would like. But how can I stay that way when all I see are the gorgeous flowers that are blooming all around me? There is so much hope in spring! I told someone the other day that God is developing me into a woman of character. I read this once- "Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them." I love that. My entire life I have asked the hard questions, I have fought for the truth, I have been loud and many times not backed down from a fight if I know I'm right. I'm not this sweet, quiet, docile woman who is completely submissive without any questions. I love fashion. I love thinking hard about things, why things go the way they do, why people do what they do. I'm difficult and I have struggled with that. Yet, right, wrong, or indifferent that's how I am and I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not. I am beautiful just the way I am. So I'm going to fight to right the wrongs, I'm going to keep asking the hard questions, I'm gonna laugh loud and long, and I'm not going to compromise my beliefs. These just a few of the flowers in my life that I have discovered. God is making my life into something beautiful and when He is done it's going to be fantastic thing to behold.