Emerald City.

He Was There All The Time

"Time after time I went searching for peace in some void. I was trying to blame all my ill on this world I was in. Surface relationships used me 'til I was done in. And all the while someone was begging to free me from sin.

He was there all the time. He was there all the time. Waiting patiently in line. He was there all the time.

Never again will I look for a fake rainbow's end. Now that I have the answer my life is just starting to rhyme. Sharing each new ay with Him is a cup of fresh life. And, oh, what I missed, He's been waiting right there all the time.

He was there all the time. He was there all the time. Waiting patiently in line. He was there all the time."

Word and music by Gary S. Paxton

"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; He will purify the sons of Levi, And purge them as gold and silver, That they may offer to the Lord an offering in righteousness. Then the offering of Judah and Jerusalem will be pleasant to the Lord, As in the days of old, as in former years. "For I am the Lord, I do not change; Therefore you are not consumed O sons of Jacob, Return to me and I will return to you," Says the Lord of hosts. "And try me now in this, if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such a blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it. And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes."

Malachi 3: 3,4,6,810,11 (NKJV)

I think perhaps this is where He was leading me to all the time. Perhaps, for I know not yet, but just perhaps this is why He gave me the parents I have. The church I go to and the children who surround me. Finally, something that makes sense. I just hope I have the wisdom, strength and patience to go through with it if this is truly what God has called me to do. Yet, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

This life is not always what it seems.

Oh goodness. Here we go again. Why? I don't know. I pray....I seek God's will. I feel like I get the ok....and then it all goes to pot. God help me to see what You're trying to teach me. If this is Your will then help me to see and accept it. It's gonna hurt just like the other times but perhaps I'll bounce back quicker. Help me, God.

Bring on the rain.

Eeesh. I need to go through these blogs and delete a lot of them. :S I've written quite a lot. Pretty bad..... Goodness. It's amazing how music can effect your mood.

I really really REALLY want to play in the rain.

Weird.

I know.

Don't talk to me....I bite.

Sigh. So today I found out that...well....never mind....I just wish I could say that I have a boyfriend. Not just for the sake of saying I have one (aka an ego boost) but so that I can feel protected and safe. I wish I could go running to some guy and tell him about the stuff I have to put up with. I wish when I told the guy he would get mad and want to go hit someone. I wouldn't want him to ACTUALLY do it! Just talk like he might. That he would talk like he's willing to protect me and that I would be safe no matter what in his arms. Sigh. I hate the fact that I love feeling pretty so much that I'm willing to put up with (to a large degree) with old creepy men and stares from young guys. I can't NOT look good. It makes me twitch. Ugh. And on top of that...why do I feel like I HAVE to be nice?! Ugh. I quit. I'm just going to start to ignore the stupid men that come into my line. It's easier that way. Someone come and save me!?

The monetary means just aren't around.

Oh dear me. I've just realized I'm up a creek without a paddle when it comes to my college funds. I don't know how I'm going to do it. This must be how you felt. Sheesh. Talk about scrambling. I have to pay off my credit card. Then I have to pay for books out of my own pocket. Then I have my ASA bill. Then I have food/phone bill. Plus the extras that come up aka hygene stuff. Sigh. I know I can make it work. It's just going to take some serious penny pinching. Yay. Penny pinching AND trying to figure out what God wants for my life.....no pressure at all. I have to figure this all out. No more jacking off. My priorities HAVE to be in line this year. God, family, education, work, friends/sorority, free time. Sigh. This year is going to be tough but I really think that it's going to teach me some VERY important lessons. I just hope I can get past the drama that surrounds that school (and me) and protect myself from getting so caught up in the social scene that I forget about what's really important right now. Lord help me. It's going to be hard but I know that it's something I can do. We both know it. It just takes wisdom and discipline. Blah. Discipline. Such an annoying thing. In the long run good....but in the short term....annoying. Oy vey. We can do this. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." HELP!

Follow the yellow brick road

So today someone made a comment that bothered me......like majorly. They said they had heard some pastor say that he can't believe how many kids go to college, spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on an education and not know what God's will is for their life. The pastor went on to say that he wouldn't spend a dime on his child's education until that kid knew what God's will was. I was sitting there thinking....WHAT!!??? Perhaps it's my own pride and arrogance but all I could say was, "sounds to me like he's trying to put God into a box." The person telling the story said, "well it sure would make the kid figure out what God's will was." They're right to some degree. Yet, we all know God works in ways we don't expect.
Which leads me to my next point- what does God want for MY life? I have to decide on a major by the end of this year. I have to realize, discover, find or however you want to call it what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Say what!? Yeah. I know. I'm terrified. Shaking in my boots. Filled with so many doubts. I can't do this. I can't. I'm not sure what God wants for my life. Not only that but what if I do pursue something that I think is what God wanted for me and it's not!? Sigh. I just have this certainty that I'm going to fail. I'm going to mess it all up. I'm going to live my life, get to Heaven and God's going to tell me that I did it all wrong. That I failed Him. I find it retardedly ironic (or whatever word that describes this situation) that here I am and the only thing I'm sure of is that I'm not going to be who God wants me to be. That I'm going to destroy it all. I don't WANT to! I just know me....I know what I am and am not capable of. Ugh. I have a headache. Pray for me. I need it. This thing called life is getting VERY complicated for me and I need some serious peace and wisdom.

Make a wish.

Word of advice- lose yourself in Christ.

Only He can help you be the truest you.

Only He can help you maintain balance.

Wrapped around her little finger.

So today I was checking people at my register when this couple came into my line. The guy was rather handsome (he was older and way out of my league....) but he had a little girl in the basket and she was crying. His wife was up front making sure I didn't screw up so she was preoccupied. The guy kept trying to get the baby to calm down....I don't know....I could just tell he loved that girl. He took his big key ring out and gave it to her to chew on. Then as they were walking away he put his arm around his wife. It just drove a dagger into my heart. Retarded. I know. Yet, here I am 19 and I know one....two....three....four couples at least who have married at the same age and are leading successful marriages. Not only that but I want to see a guy look at my kids the same way that guy looked at his daughter (or whomever's she was).......Sigh. I'm not even sure that it's going to happen anymore.

Lord please remind me why You made me this way ??.....

Why dance in the rain when it matches the lousy mood?

Bleh. I hate feeling this way...discontent...irritated...betrayed...basically mad enough to yell. I hate it when people break their promises. I know I know. I've broken promises. I've been a coward. Yet, not in these situations. haha...I try way to freakin' hard. Whatever. What will be will be. No more I say. It's in God's hands now. Maybe I'm just a shooting star....or maybe it just needs time...I pray....that's it. I'll pray. Novel idea eh? Sigh. Lord help me to let go....I have a problem with it. I expect way too much. Or maybe I don't. Bleh. Only You know what's really going on...only You know what's going on in this heart. So please give me wisdom on how to deal with this situation. Only You. :) Love ya Jesus. Muaw!

Still learning how to bend.

Oh dear me. I've gone and done it again. Sigh. Why do we get so caught up in our lives that we forget the most important person in our lives??? Why do I promise myself to not let myself slip through God's fingers again.....and then I go and do it?! Even as I lay here I don't want to get my Bible out....I just want to take some meds and go to bed. Sigh. Not only do I need to work on my spiritual side....I MUST work on my physical. Weird thing to say....I know. But my back has been hurting for awhile now and I'm pretty sure it's because I have hyperextended back muscles (or whatever the term is for over strengthened muscles) but no abs. I'm thinking it's putting too much pressure on my lower back which is then hurting and causing my upper back to tense up. Ay yi yi. I need to go get a massage. haha...anyone want to give me one for free?! Anyway. I digress. I've been fighting with myself to not be desperate or clingy....and I think I've succeeded. I went for nearly a week and a half without any real contact. (hehe makes it sound like I'm talking about aliens.) So I'm super proud of myself for that. It's a major accomplishment. Yet, I know I still need to work through some things. I just wish there came a point in our lives where we "arrived." When we can sit down and take a breather and still know that God will look us in the eye and tell us we did well. Perhaps it's just how I was raised. Maybe I don't need to "fix" myself like I feel like I must. Maybe all God wants for me to do is accept who I am.....I seriously doubt it though. A loving God He is....a complacent God He is not. That makes me smile because if God was a complacent God....we would be up a creek without a paddle.....to say it cleanly. Oy vey. I have more random thoughts but they're starting to become scattered due to my headache and backache. sheesh.... Someone's broken. haha....have a good night. LOVE YA!

Here with you I am safe.

This time in my life is good. I have finally learned the art of caring without actually fighting for something. I can let go without actually letting go. I don't know what the future may hold for me but right now.....things are good. Jesus is happy for me. :) Sigh. I love my life and everone in it.

La Vie En Rose

Is a good movie. Depressing as ever. But good. All I can feel right now is overwhelming pity for a woman who was born into a hard life and chose to remain in it and fear of old age. Why must we age? When I was younger I didn't really mind the thought of growing old and wrinkly...now I'm beginning to fear it. I've seen what can happen to the elderly and I've seen the effect those things have on their children and grandchildren. I don't want to break my children's hearts. I don't want to get old and angry and bitter hurting those who love me best. I don't want to get old. Silly, I know, because what other choice do I have?? None. Still, Lord help me to grow old gracefully. Help me to live a life of love for You and my family. That's what I need to remember. That as long as I have Jesus I'll never be alone, even if I get dementia or alzheimers..........Jesus will always be there. Wow. That's the most amazing thought and I have proof. Just ask Kelly or Kristen or my mom about my grandma Kelly. That amazing woman could hardly remember her own daughter's name but when we started to pray for her.......she knew her Jesus. She knew her Savior. Oh God help us to live a life like that. Help us that when everything else dissappears...You're the only person left...help us to feel Your presence....Your love. :) Because in the end....that's why were here.

Where ARE you?

Sigh. I'm kinda missing people. I want to see them. Argh. Why oh why do gas prices have to be so high and why oh why do we have to live in seperate towns???

She won't make a sound. Alone in this fight with herself and these fears.

"I beseech you therefore, breathern, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be confomed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is thatgood and acceptable and perfect will of God."

Romans 12:1 & 2

Eep. That's all I can say. For the past three days I've been busy/exhausted/preoccupied with other things to sit down and read my Bible. Well today due to an unexplainable milady that is stupidly keeping me up till 1 in the morning despite the fact I've only had 16 hours of sleep in the past two days in comparison to my normal 24 hours in a 2 day time span. Not only that but I also worked from 9 to 6 on one of the busiest days of the summer....PLUS its a Saturday. Ugh. Standing for that long kills my shoulders (weird huh?) and my poor wacked out feet but I digress. ;)

So I've been struggling with some hurt that's in my heart. I've been rejected and ignored by somepeople and I'm tired of it. I want to lash out. I want to keep quiet and remove myself from their lives. I want to talk to them. I want to hurt them. I know I deserve better treatment but I still care about them. So how do I handle the situation? I don't know. In Romans 12 it, of course, says "Do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written "Vengence in Mine, I will repay," says the Lord." Well ok. So I don't lash out or do anything retarded.....in other words I don't be normal and human. But how much do we take before we let go?? Jesus says we're supposed to forgive 7 times 7 and to "turn the other cheek." But what about boundaries?? Especially in relationships? Sigh I don't know what I need to do....well I know I need to forgive....but what do I do?! Do I talk to them about it? Or do I just leave it alone? Or do I just "ignore" them until they decide to contact me? Ay yi yi. Oh what a tangled web we weave when at first we do deceive. Only I'm not the one deceiving. Sheesh. Well, it says do not conform to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind....then you'll know the will of God. So that's what I'll work on doing. Renewing my mind....staying in the world but not OF the world....Between reading and praying and keeping away from the world I'll figure something out. Hopefully it won't take too long. :S Sigh. Well, dear world, I'm off to sleep. Love you and God bless. Muaw.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Ugh. Whatever. I'm getting used to being dropped without much explanation. I'll say no more, do no more, or expect any thing else. Wish you hadn't decided to be this way...but that's the way things go..... Sigh. :(

Safe

How did You know that I'm all alone today?

Oh I feel so scared and I want to go away.

I bleed so deep underneath my soul is screaming.

I'm not gonna hide.

I'm not gonna run away.

I uncover the scars and show You every mistake.

Your love is mending my blisters and the bruising shame.

Here with You I am safe

Drowning in tears

Won't make it go away

It's robbing my soul So I'm taking this mask off my face

To discover love and uncover all it means to live and breathe.

I'm not gonna hide.

I'm not gonna run away.

I'll uncover the scars and show You every mistake.

Your love is mending my blisters and the bruising shame.

Here with You I am safe.

When You uncover I discover I am not afraid.

But when we're hiding we end up fighting to be sane.

I'm not gonna hide.

I'm not gonna run away.

I'll uncover the scars and show You every mistake.

Your love is mending my blisters and my bruising shame.

Here with You I am safe.

By- Natalie Grant

God closed my eyes. Now I can see.

"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord. " For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are my ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain comes down , and the snow from heaven, And do not return there, But water the earth, And make it bring forth and bud, That it may give seed to the sower And bread to the eater, So shallf My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void but it shall accomplish what I please, And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it."

Isaiah 55:8-11 NKJV

I heard once that if you want to make God laugh tell Him all your plans. I had to smile at that. I think most of us can see the ironic humor it that statement. Lately I've been feeling a little lost. I'm not really sure why. I just feel homeless. I don't know where I'm going or what I need to do with my life. Everytime I come home something else changes in my future. I still smile when I think about how my senior year in high school everytime it hit 11:11 I would pray/hope/wish that I would meet my future husband my freshman year. I'm sure that you're smiling at this and as most of you know (or possibly don't) I'm not engaged. The amazing thing is that I don't mind. I'm content with who I am right now. (And please pray with me that this contentment doesn't leave.....) God has plans for me and I need to figure them out before I start looking for a husband. How can I follow a man in unity if I don't even know in which direction I'm going?? This is good. This is where I need to be. Funny how the moment I'm blind of my future is the moment I'm most at peace. I smile because I'm happy. Jesus loves me. What more can a girl need?? :) :) :)

Boys vs Girls

"And next to him was Shallum the son of Hallohesh, leader of half the district of Jerusalem; he and his daughters made repairs."

Nehemiah 3:12

So today my dad FINALLY decided to fix the floor in our kitchen. It was pretty funny. Every time I went into the kitchen I had to smile at it. I mean seriously how many people put holes in their kitchens the size of a coffin?? I know, I know a seriously gruesome joke but still there was just something fun about the whole situation. Probably the fact that my dad and I worked together and joked with each other. I've been thinking lately how differently my dad would have probably treated us girls if he had been given a son. Part of me wonders if we would have been pampered, treated as princesses, made to do little to no hard labor. Instead we were raised to learn how to mow the yard (not that THAT's a hard thing to learn.... haha), how to check the oil, the tire pressure, how to fix a kitchen floor, getting under a trailer home and pulling out insulation (ugh...hated when I had to do that.....every summer....blah.) These are just a few things that we've been taught. We also learned what it meant to be leaders in a church, to be the ones who go down to the church and no one else show up, to be the worship/youth/children/lawn care providers. Then as daughters we were expected to learn what it meant to cook, clean and respect a male authority in our lives. I thank God that we weren't given a brother. Please don't get me wrong. I would have LOVED having a brother. Yet, as I look back I feel that God knew what He was doing when He gave my dad all girls. My father has helped mold and shape three beautiful, strong, independent (well if we need to be..haha), intelligent women. I love this verse from Nehemiah. When I read it over the winter break it hit me like a ton of bricks. Isn't it amazing how the most seemingly menial verse can speak to your heart like a rain in the desert? That's how it was for me. I am a daughter working with my father toward the betterment and growth of the Kingdom of God. No one can tell me that I don't have a right to stand beside my father and help him just because I'm a female. I have a mind, an intellect, a heart and a soul. I have something more to offer this world than food, children and a comfortable home for my husband. God help me to become a woman after His own heart. A woman like the judge Deborah, like the humble yet strong Ruth, the compassionate but passionate Rahab, and the young but wise Mary....just to name a few. Women who were worthy. Women deemed necessary in God's word. Lord mold me into a woman like them.

Back to the beginning.

"You ran well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth? This persuasion does not come from Him who calls you. A little leaven leavens the whole lump. I have confidence in you, in the Lord, that you will hve no other mind; but he who troubles you shall bear his judgement, whoever he is....For you, breathern, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another."

Galatians 5:7-11;13 NKJV

How quickly we become distracted by the world when we first become "free" from the confines of our families. For me, this past year was filled with rebellion and learning hard lessons. I was alone away from the safety net of my parents love, the wisdom and strength of my spiritual father, the love and care of my spiritual mother and the peace found in my home church. I'm so sorry to admit that. I prided myself in the knowledge that I was one of the few "strong" Christians in my school, that I knew the Bible better than a teacher, and that I led a life fitting for a Christian girl. Oh what a silly naive girl I was. I look on the past year and am filled with sickness. How could I have become the person am I now? Why did I let myself become this? "Oh wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God-through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Yet, God is calling me back to my roots, to the beginning, to the place where it all started. Just as with Abraham in Genesis 12 and 13 "and he went on his journey from the South as far as Bethel, to the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Ai, to the place of the altar which he had made there at first. And there Abraham called on the name of the Lord." Sometimes in order to move forward we must first return to our beginnings. Sometimes in order to move on we must first remember where it all started. Oh how many altars throughout my life have I forgotten? My journey of faith is marked by the moments when God showed Himself to me. The moment when I asked Him into my heart. The moment I was prophesied over. The moment I realized my fear was gone. The moment I realized that if I am in Christ I am a new creation, no longer bound by the old man, but made new through the love of Christ. So many forgotten moments. Let's go back to the beginning. Back to our first Love. Back to the moment of realization. Back to the altars in our lives.

On a night like this I could fall in love.

Sigh. My heart is quiet. I'm trying, pursuing, searching for Jesus to fill my heart. God makes me smile. The fact that He created romance. He created a most wonderful thing. The fact that a night sky could make someone feel loved. To realize that He created the stars for us. For me. The gentle whisper of the wind as it blows through the dry grass bringing the smell of summer. No romance equals that. No amount of words or good deeds will equal the glorious creation God made or the heart wrenching sacrifice He gave. God is love. He is the epitomy of love. My creator is love and that is the only way I'll ever know TRUE love. Is for me to become so completely consumed, filled, saturated with God's love that I don't NEED anyone else's love to survive. God is slowing watering this flower. My life is slowing blooming into the creation He orginally created me to be. I'm changing, morphing into the truest sense of myself on this side of Heaven. The Lord works in mysterious ways but in the end they are the most beautiful, suprising, gentle ways. He's amazing. I'm falling in love with my Savior all over again. He's my prince. The love of my life. I will serve Him as I would any man I would have married. That's my duty, my call, my desire. I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. Thank the Lord.

A cold cold heart.

Is the hardest thing to understand.

The Leading Lady

So I read that the other day and it didn't really sink in until today. I love saying it, "Leading lady." It gives visions of dresses, spot lights, and perfection. Silly, I know. But I like thinking that I'm the leading lady in God's play called Kathleen's life. Especially when I think about being a strong, independent, wise, self-supporting woman. A woman that would make my dad proud. A woman that can change a tire or fix a faucet leak or balance a check book while maintaining a monthly budget. I was talking to my sister today about how sometimes I wish my dad had been given a boy. I say that only because my dad has raised us girls to be very independent. I can't decide if that's good or not. Part of me thinks its wonderful! I can check the oil in my car. I don't need a man to survive. Yet, at the same time I'm scared that my desire or perhaps even need to be independent will destroy any hope for a good marriage. I'm not some stupid woman who can't think for herself. No. I pride myself, perhaps even too much sometimes, in my intellect, in my ability to think about the deeper things in life, in being able to reason things and to decide the best course of action. Granted like all people I make mistakes, HUGE ones, but that just makes it even better when I screw up but learn from my mistakes. But this is not all I have on my mind tonight.

I was thinking about college and the possibility of going to a different university. I just don't know. I'm praying about it. I'm scared/relieved when I feel that God is calling me to go to another school. Yet, at the same time I'm scared, terrified, even to leave. Kerrville used to be my home but now I'm starting to wonder what's the point of me staying here? I'm not making a difference. In fact all I'm doing in conforming to what the world would like me to be. I'm not making a radical difference on campus. I'm not trying to better the campus. I know that God never calls us to just be. He never tells us to go to a college JUST for an education. He never tells us to work at a job JUST for the job. We are called to be doers of the Word. Can I do that at Schreiner? Can I become strong enough, brave enough, wise enough to make a difference? Or am I to be always confined to the selfish desires of my heart? The fear? The weakness? I know that I'm always going to struggle with my flesh. That's the sentence of being human. Yet, I'm tired of just being. I want to be a LEADING LADY. I want to LEAD, to have the light of God shine out of me so brightly that people can easily, trustfully follow me. Can I do it? Or will I go back to school and get sucked back into a sinful waste of complacency? Oh Lord I want to be an influence. I want to show people the way to You. But God I'm terrified. Just as Mother Teresa, sometimes I wish You wouldn't trust me with so much. I know I'm going to mess up. HORRIBLY. And I don't want to take anyone down with me. I don't want to cause someone else to fall or to reject You completely. I don't want to break someone. How do I speak the truth in love? What does that mean??! God help me. Help this world. Open their ears. Break down the walls around their hearts. Wash their eyes with Your holy water so that they may see how far they have truly fallen. Help me to learn how to conquer or to deal with this fear. It stops me from truly becoming anything important in Your kingdom. I'm so scared of failing, of messing up, of ruining Your plan. So I just don't act. I don't DO anything. I just sit like a good little girl not touching anything. Children are to be seen not heard. Sigh. I'm so messed up. Only God can make something useful out of my life. Hopefully between He and I we can work this mess all out. :) Anyway. I'm tired and want to go talk to my sister. I love ya'll. Goodnight.......

Going on strike.

No more Facebook, Myspace or Aim for a while. Let's see how hard it's going to be on me and how long I can go.......

Who can save me?

So today I was sitting at the dining room table, hands folded, eyes closed and my mind a million miles off from the blessing my dad was saying. I thought, for the hundreth time since I've gotten back, about why I didn't pray. My thought was, "Well Kathleen, call "him" and have him tell you AGAIN that you're saved and you don't need to worry about anything." And then it hit me. Everytime I ask someone to convince to me that I'm saved I'm asking THEM to save me. What the freak? I mean seriously. Where is my heart? Where is my faith? Where is my desire to read the Word? Where is my relationship with Jesus? I pray but it seems that all I get is resounding silence. Silence terrifies me. If you don't talk to me that means, in my mind at least, that something's wrong. So how do I fix this?! I know it's fixable by the very fact I'm writing this. I have let myself get so far down I can barely see the light to get back up. I'm so confused. But one thing I do know. Don't let the world drag you down into the pit because once you go it's very hard to get back up. I don't drink, I don't have sex, I don't smoke, I don't go out with boys who are a bad influence......but I've let my relationship with God take back seat. Pshaw. Not even back seat- more like at the very bottom of a pile of junk riding in a trailor hooked up to the car. Now my life is so crazy I can't find Him. I'm having to dig through a lot of junk to find Him again. I'm such a fool. Only God loves me enough to die for me. Only God loves me enough to stick by my side no matter what I do (well as long as I still love Him.) And how have I returned the favor? By sticking Him at the bottom of my "to-do" list. God? How stupid am I? Sigh. I'm ashamed. So very ashamed. If only I had stayed true to myself. But if if's and but's were candies and nuts we would have Christmas all year. Oh Lord save me.

Oh dear. Here we go again. 9 Months Later.

So I went to my job today. I start tomorrow. Yeah. I'm not too excited. But I've already decided to go there with a smile and a caring heart. So pray for me. I haven't touched a register in 9 months and I'm worried I'm going to mess it all up. Hopefully tomorrow won't be filled with too many mess ups. :)