The Leading Lady

So I read that the other day and it didn't really sink in until today. I love saying it, "Leading lady." It gives visions of dresses, spot lights, and perfection. Silly, I know. But I like thinking that I'm the leading lady in God's play called Kathleen's life. Especially when I think about being a strong, independent, wise, self-supporting woman. A woman that would make my dad proud. A woman that can change a tire or fix a faucet leak or balance a check book while maintaining a monthly budget. I was talking to my sister today about how sometimes I wish my dad had been given a boy. I say that only because my dad has raised us girls to be very independent. I can't decide if that's good or not. Part of me thinks its wonderful! I can check the oil in my car. I don't need a man to survive. Yet, at the same time I'm scared that my desire or perhaps even need to be independent will destroy any hope for a good marriage. I'm not some stupid woman who can't think for herself. No. I pride myself, perhaps even too much sometimes, in my intellect, in my ability to think about the deeper things in life, in being able to reason things and to decide the best course of action. Granted like all people I make mistakes, HUGE ones, but that just makes it even better when I screw up but learn from my mistakes. But this is not all I have on my mind tonight.

I was thinking about college and the possibility of going to a different university. I just don't know. I'm praying about it. I'm scared/relieved when I feel that God is calling me to go to another school. Yet, at the same time I'm scared, terrified, even to leave. Kerrville used to be my home but now I'm starting to wonder what's the point of me staying here? I'm not making a difference. In fact all I'm doing in conforming to what the world would like me to be. I'm not making a radical difference on campus. I'm not trying to better the campus. I know that God never calls us to just be. He never tells us to go to a college JUST for an education. He never tells us to work at a job JUST for the job. We are called to be doers of the Word. Can I do that at Schreiner? Can I become strong enough, brave enough, wise enough to make a difference? Or am I to be always confined to the selfish desires of my heart? The fear? The weakness? I know that I'm always going to struggle with my flesh. That's the sentence of being human. Yet, I'm tired of just being. I want to be a LEADING LADY. I want to LEAD, to have the light of God shine out of me so brightly that people can easily, trustfully follow me. Can I do it? Or will I go back to school and get sucked back into a sinful waste of complacency? Oh Lord I want to be an influence. I want to show people the way to You. But God I'm terrified. Just as Mother Teresa, sometimes I wish You wouldn't trust me with so much. I know I'm going to mess up. HORRIBLY. And I don't want to take anyone down with me. I don't want to cause someone else to fall or to reject You completely. I don't want to break someone. How do I speak the truth in love? What does that mean??! God help me. Help this world. Open their ears. Break down the walls around their hearts. Wash their eyes with Your holy water so that they may see how far they have truly fallen. Help me to learn how to conquer or to deal with this fear. It stops me from truly becoming anything important in Your kingdom. I'm so scared of failing, of messing up, of ruining Your plan. So I just don't act. I don't DO anything. I just sit like a good little girl not touching anything. Children are to be seen not heard. Sigh. I'm so messed up. Only God can make something useful out of my life. Hopefully between He and I we can work this mess all out. :) Anyway. I'm tired and want to go talk to my sister. I love ya'll. Goodnight.......