Who can save me?

So today I was sitting at the dining room table, hands folded, eyes closed and my mind a million miles off from the blessing my dad was saying. I thought, for the hundreth time since I've gotten back, about why I didn't pray. My thought was, "Well Kathleen, call "him" and have him tell you AGAIN that you're saved and you don't need to worry about anything." And then it hit me. Everytime I ask someone to convince to me that I'm saved I'm asking THEM to save me. What the freak? I mean seriously. Where is my heart? Where is my faith? Where is my desire to read the Word? Where is my relationship with Jesus? I pray but it seems that all I get is resounding silence. Silence terrifies me. If you don't talk to me that means, in my mind at least, that something's wrong. So how do I fix this?! I know it's fixable by the very fact I'm writing this. I have let myself get so far down I can barely see the light to get back up. I'm so confused. But one thing I do know. Don't let the world drag you down into the pit because once you go it's very hard to get back up. I don't drink, I don't have sex, I don't smoke, I don't go out with boys who are a bad influence......but I've let my relationship with God take back seat. Pshaw. Not even back seat- more like at the very bottom of a pile of junk riding in a trailor hooked up to the car. Now my life is so crazy I can't find Him. I'm having to dig through a lot of junk to find Him again. I'm such a fool. Only God loves me enough to die for me. Only God loves me enough to stick by my side no matter what I do (well as long as I still love Him.) And how have I returned the favor? By sticking Him at the bottom of my "to-do" list. God? How stupid am I? Sigh. I'm ashamed. So very ashamed. If only I had stayed true to myself. But if if's and but's were candies and nuts we would have Christmas all year. Oh Lord save me.