i have found what you are like
the rain,
(Who feathers frightened fields
with the superior dust-of-sleep. wields
easily the pale club of the wind
and swirled justly souls of flower strike
the air in utterable coolness
deeds of green thrilling light
with thinned
newfragile yellows
lurch and.press
-in the woods
which
stutter
and
sing
And the coolness of your smile is
stirring of birds between my arms; but
i should rather than anything
have(almost when hugeness will shut quietly) almost,
your kiss
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
A Typical Fashion
So as I seem to usually do at the end of each semester I am writing a post. Not quite sure what I'm wanting to write, just wanting to once again, put some of my thoughts out into the infinite void and see what comes of them. I just finished up my last fall semester and I'm trying to get my thoughts around the fact that I'm graduating next semester with a degree in Communication Studies. I keep making mental lists of everything I need to do in order to get ready for this hugely momentous change and since I know that my mind has a tendency to forget simple things like that I'm wanting to write them out. But not just on a random sheet of paper.
1. Pray about what God wants me to do
2. Write a resume
3. Compile and burn all my photos to CDs
4. Revamp my computer by deleting unecessary info
5. Help my dad with geneology info
6. Start looking into apartments
7. Budget, budget, budget
8. Did I mention a budget?
9. Job hunt
10. Practice piano
It's probably silly but I need goals for this break. I need something to keep my mind and body active to keep it from focusing on what I'm missing. I know that this is going to be one amazing Christmas break though and I'm expecting some changes to happen during it!
1. Pray about what God wants me to do
2. Write a resume
3. Compile and burn all my photos to CDs
4. Revamp my computer by deleting unecessary info
5. Help my dad with geneology info
6. Start looking into apartments
7. Budget, budget, budget
8. Did I mention a budget?
9. Job hunt
10. Practice piano
It's probably silly but I need goals for this break. I need something to keep my mind and body active to keep it from focusing on what I'm missing. I know that this is going to be one amazing Christmas break though and I'm expecting some changes to happen during it!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
i carry your heart with me by e.e cummings
i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate
(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart
(i carry it in my heart)
Monday, December 13, 2010
Something's Gotta Change
(Wrote this a while ago...)
My fingers ache to write every thought that is flooding my mind but as we all know there is no real value in that. "Verbal vomit" is what I like to call it. Yet, I just wish there was some way to express the main ideas of my thoughts. I've been re-reading Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot, less about the passion and more about the purity. Let me define my terms as purity of the soul and not necessarily of the body. I feel that there has come a time in my own life in which purity of the soul is of intense importance. In fact it's as if that is where natural purity begins - when you gain Godly control over your mind, will and emotions then the body will follow.
Life has done a 180 and I'm now sitting alone under the tree along the road of my life. It stinks. I mean a relatively pretty girl who loves God and wants His best, alone. Who would have thought? Well, God, I suppose. I don't resent it nor am I bitter. Confused? A little. Hurt? Unfortunately but in it all I know God is there. Probably even a tad bit exasperated with me as I look at Him like a bewildered child trying to comprehend what He's doing.
I've found that most of humanity's main focus is a search to find their "soul mate." The term in and of itself indicates a sense of finality, of forever, of the one person who will complete them. There is a story by Plato in which he describes the idea of soulmates. He states that humans were originally made of four arms, four legs, and a single head with two faces. Zeus fearing their power split each of them in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for their other "half."
Sometimes this whole "soulmate" thing does feel like a curse; leaving me to question why can't I feel whole and complete within myself? Why are there periods of such loneliness that it feels like it might engulf me?
I have come to find that the search for a soulmate is one that has ultimately driven me to God, as it should. There's the quote- "A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her." I've never quite understood what that meant until now and even now the understanding is a little foggy but as I move closer to God there is this understanding that under His covering I am protected. Closer to Him my heart is protected and my mind, will and emotions are put more in check as I change my thinking to fit His.
Mrs. Elliot pointed out the manna from Heaven that the children of God ate in the wilderness was not something they especially cared for. Yet, it was the Heavenly food they needed. There are times when God gives us something we don't necessarily want but need. We would rather have it easy and tasteful, homemade bread with butter rather than some random thing that falls out of the sky, and yet by denying the tastes of the flesh we learn to appreciate the taste of Heaven. "Taste and see that the Lord is good."
Is it wrong to desire such "earthly" blessings? No. But- "All that is perfectly human and perfecly natural in us must first be offered. The body must be a living sacrifice; holy and acceptable to God. It does not become inhuman and unnatural by this offering, any more than the body God prepared for His Son Jesus, which was offered back to the Father, became inhuman and unnatural by His offering. It is still human; it is still natural. But it is holy. And acceptable."
Jim Elliot wrote in a letter to Elisabeth something that perfectly describes my fear- "What makes me tremble is that I might allow something else to take the place that my God should have."
Desires, love, hopes, dreams are all things that in and of themselves are good but when they come between God and myself they are only a hinderance. Ahh. It so hard! My heart cries out in exasperation from the pain and irritation of it. I trusted God. I believed Him. And now? Now I'm alone with so many doubts of what I thought I had heard that I don't even know what to believe about my future.
It's so hard to put in words and I know I'm failing miserably so I'll stop. I just wish I could express it better. Perhaps one day I'll come to a full understanding of what God is trying to do. Perhaps not. Either way His will is going to be done. And I suppose that in the end, that's all that matters.
My fingers ache to write every thought that is flooding my mind but as we all know there is no real value in that. "Verbal vomit" is what I like to call it. Yet, I just wish there was some way to express the main ideas of my thoughts. I've been re-reading Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot, less about the passion and more about the purity. Let me define my terms as purity of the soul and not necessarily of the body. I feel that there has come a time in my own life in which purity of the soul is of intense importance. In fact it's as if that is where natural purity begins - when you gain Godly control over your mind, will and emotions then the body will follow.
Life has done a 180 and I'm now sitting alone under the tree along the road of my life. It stinks. I mean a relatively pretty girl who loves God and wants His best, alone. Who would have thought? Well, God, I suppose. I don't resent it nor am I bitter. Confused? A little. Hurt? Unfortunately but in it all I know God is there. Probably even a tad bit exasperated with me as I look at Him like a bewildered child trying to comprehend what He's doing.
I've found that most of humanity's main focus is a search to find their "soul mate." The term in and of itself indicates a sense of finality, of forever, of the one person who will complete them. There is a story by Plato in which he describes the idea of soulmates. He states that humans were originally made of four arms, four legs, and a single head with two faces. Zeus fearing their power split each of them in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for their other "half."
Sometimes this whole "soulmate" thing does feel like a curse; leaving me to question why can't I feel whole and complete within myself? Why are there periods of such loneliness that it feels like it might engulf me?
I have come to find that the search for a soulmate is one that has ultimately driven me to God, as it should. There's the quote- "A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her." I've never quite understood what that meant until now and even now the understanding is a little foggy but as I move closer to God there is this understanding that under His covering I am protected. Closer to Him my heart is protected and my mind, will and emotions are put more in check as I change my thinking to fit His.
Mrs. Elliot pointed out the manna from Heaven that the children of God ate in the wilderness was not something they especially cared for. Yet, it was the Heavenly food they needed. There are times when God gives us something we don't necessarily want but need. We would rather have it easy and tasteful, homemade bread with butter rather than some random thing that falls out of the sky, and yet by denying the tastes of the flesh we learn to appreciate the taste of Heaven. "Taste and see that the Lord is good."
Is it wrong to desire such "earthly" blessings? No. But- "All that is perfectly human and perfecly natural in us must first be offered. The body must be a living sacrifice; holy and acceptable to God. It does not become inhuman and unnatural by this offering, any more than the body God prepared for His Son Jesus, which was offered back to the Father, became inhuman and unnatural by His offering. It is still human; it is still natural. But it is holy. And acceptable."
Jim Elliot wrote in a letter to Elisabeth something that perfectly describes my fear- "What makes me tremble is that I might allow something else to take the place that my God should have."
Desires, love, hopes, dreams are all things that in and of themselves are good but when they come between God and myself they are only a hinderance. Ahh. It so hard! My heart cries out in exasperation from the pain and irritation of it. I trusted God. I believed Him. And now? Now I'm alone with so many doubts of what I thought I had heard that I don't even know what to believe about my future.
It's so hard to put in words and I know I'm failing miserably so I'll stop. I just wish I could express it better. Perhaps one day I'll come to a full understanding of what God is trying to do. Perhaps not. Either way His will is going to be done. And I suppose that in the end, that's all that matters.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
A Heart Like Granite
Established: 1. build on a firm or stable basis 2. to enact, appoint, or ordain for permanence
This last Sunday my daddy preached on an established heart. It's really stuck with me. An established heart has been something greatly lacking within my life. In James 1:6-8 it says, "But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do." Doubt, the thing that once planted and ignored can grow like the sticker-burrs out in South Texas. What's worse if you don't completely remove them and protect the soil they'll come back eventually. My life has been filled with doubts and each one a seed that has been ignored for much of my 22 years. I suppose my experiences here in college just made it worse. I'm still a Christian and I believe most everything I've been taught since I was a little girl. Yet, the mistakes I've made have only further fueled the growth until the past couple of months I've wondered what I'm doing here in Kerrville, at Schreiner, just all around wondering. It's been frustrating and painful. Perhaps that's why the sermon has just stayed with me- it was the right thing at the right time...God knew I needed it. I need stability. I need constancy. I need an established heart and the only way I will develop it is through faith (and thus action) in the Word. I want to get to the point where I am completely convinced of God's will that nothing, and I mean nothing, will deter me from fulfilling it. No hurt, no silence, no time, no doubt, no lie, nothing. I want a heart like granite. Not in the hardened sense but in the sense that granite is well concrete. It's stable, unmovable, firm, unyielding to pressure. It doesn't give in. It's established.
This last Sunday my daddy preached on an established heart. It's really stuck with me. An established heart has been something greatly lacking within my life. In James 1:6-8 it says, "But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do." Doubt, the thing that once planted and ignored can grow like the sticker-burrs out in South Texas. What's worse if you don't completely remove them and protect the soil they'll come back eventually. My life has been filled with doubts and each one a seed that has been ignored for much of my 22 years. I suppose my experiences here in college just made it worse. I'm still a Christian and I believe most everything I've been taught since I was a little girl. Yet, the mistakes I've made have only further fueled the growth until the past couple of months I've wondered what I'm doing here in Kerrville, at Schreiner, just all around wondering. It's been frustrating and painful. Perhaps that's why the sermon has just stayed with me- it was the right thing at the right time...God knew I needed it. I need stability. I need constancy. I need an established heart and the only way I will develop it is through faith (and thus action) in the Word. I want to get to the point where I am completely convinced of God's will that nothing, and I mean nothing, will deter me from fulfilling it. No hurt, no silence, no time, no doubt, no lie, nothing. I want a heart like granite. Not in the hardened sense but in the sense that granite is well concrete. It's stable, unmovable, firm, unyielding to pressure. It doesn't give in. It's established.
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