Can't Sleep.

Can't say what is on my mind...
No one listens....
Too many excuses fall from their lips onto my hands...
Trying to wash them clean...
Yet the stains remain...
My eyes fill with tears as my heart drops to the floor...
The condemnation I feel is no longer yours...
I've taken it upon myself...
As a yoke upon my shoulders...
I know I'm not right and you always are...
These lines I'm fed by my head break all chains of hope...
Gone gone gone...
Drip drip drip...
Shattering my strength and leaving me with only tears and pain...
I messed up once.
I messed up twice.
I messed up three times.
Am I past forgiveness?
Is this who I am forever chained to be?
I know the answer but I'm downward spiraling.
Grasping for the end of what?
I know not.
The rope? The peace? The hand?
I wonder if I'm past redemption...past change...past love.
Gone gone gone.
Drip drip drip.
These questions. This doubt.
Scares me and leaves me in a padded cell with no way out.
Gone gone gone.

How do you fix something you broke?

Well, as my first entry for at least a month, I have to say......I can't believe how imperfect I am. I know that sounds really....conceited...but it's true. I've been dealing with spiritual pride the past couple of months. Some things have been happening in my life though that is proving otherwise. Just how human, broken and messed up I am. What makes it even worse though is that I'm not finding it in myself to feel super guilty about it. I deliberatly disobeyed God....again. Sigh. I can't believe I'm that low....or perhaps I can. I just really need to pray about this and get back on track. Deliberatly disobeying God is the first sign that something is terribly wrong when it comes to my life. I just want to be perfect. My life would be so much easier then. All of ours would be for that matter...... I need help. I need forgiveness. I need to let go. I need to move on. Sigh. Anyway. I'll write more about my life and the past couple of months later..... <3

Deja Vu

Hmmm. Don't know what to write but I need to start this up soon. Life is going to take an interesting turn when I start my new job as a counselor at Heart O' The Hills girls camp. Y'all need to know what's going on! :-) So blogging of my life will continue after these messages. lol <3