Something's Gotta Change

(Wrote this a while ago...)

My fingers ache to write every thought that is flooding my mind but as we all know there is no real value in that. "Verbal vomit" is what I like to call it. Yet, I just wish there was some way to express the main ideas of my thoughts. I've been re-reading Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot, less about the passion and more about the purity. Let me define my terms as purity of the soul and not necessarily of the body. I feel that there has come a time in my own life in which purity of the soul is of intense importance. In fact it's as if that is where natural purity begins - when you gain Godly control over your mind, will and emotions then the body will follow.

Life has done a 180 and I'm now sitting alone under the tree along the road of my life. It stinks. I mean a relatively pretty girl who loves God and wants His best, alone. Who would have thought? Well, God, I suppose. I don't resent it nor am I bitter. Confused? A little. Hurt? Unfortunately but in it all I know God is there. Probably even a tad bit exasperated with me as I look at Him like a bewildered child trying to comprehend what He's doing.

I've found that most of humanity's main focus is a search to find their "soul mate." The term in and of itself indicates a sense of finality, of forever, of the one person who will complete them. There is a story by Plato in which he describes the idea of soulmates. He states that humans were originally made of four arms, four legs, and a single head with two faces. Zeus fearing their power split each of them in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for their other "half."

Sometimes this whole "soulmate" thing does feel like a curse; leaving me to question why can't I feel whole and complete within myself? Why are there periods of such loneliness that it feels like it might engulf me?
I have come to find that the search for a soulmate is one that has ultimately driven me to God, as it should. There's the quote- "A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her." I've never quite understood what that meant until now and even now the understanding is a little foggy but as I move closer to God there is this understanding that under His covering I am protected. Closer to Him my heart is protected and my mind, will and emotions are put more in check as I change my thinking to fit His.

Mrs. Elliot pointed out the manna from Heaven that the children of God ate in the wilderness was not something they especially cared for. Yet, it was the Heavenly food they needed. There are times when God gives us something we don't necessarily want but need. We would rather have it easy and tasteful, homemade bread with butter rather than some random thing that falls out of the sky, and yet by denying the tastes of the flesh we learn to appreciate the taste of Heaven. "Taste and see that the Lord is good."
Is it wrong to desire such "earthly" blessings? No. But- "All that is perfectly human and perfecly natural in us must first be offered. The body must be a living sacrifice; holy and acceptable to God. It does not become inhuman and unnatural by this offering, any more than the body God prepared for His Son Jesus, which was offered back to the Father, became inhuman and unnatural by His offering. It is still human; it is still natural. But it is holy. And acceptable."

Jim Elliot wrote in a letter to Elisabeth something that perfectly describes my fear- "What makes me tremble is that I might allow something else to take the place that my God should have."

Desires, love, hopes, dreams are all things that in and of themselves are good but when they come between God and myself they are only a hinderance. Ahh. It so hard! My heart cries out in exasperation from the pain and irritation of it. I trusted God. I believed Him. And now? Now I'm alone with so many doubts of what I thought I had heard that I don't even know what to believe about my future.

 It's so hard to put in words and I know I'm failing miserably so I'll stop. I just wish I could express it better. Perhaps one day I'll come to a full understanding of what God is trying to do. Perhaps not. Either way His will is going to be done. And I suppose that in the end, that's all that matters.