Who knew?

So I will be working at Heart O' The Hills girls camp this summer. I've lived up here for five days now and am loving it to the max! It's different and not an atmosphere I'm used to but I needed the change this summer. Most definately. I can't wait for the camp to actually start and to meet my campers. The scenery is beyond belief. It literally makes me smile just from the sheer beauty of it. I'm happy and honestly that's all I can say about my life right now. It's interesting how much more....introverted I've become in the last couple of months. Although when I do have something to say- I say it and want to be respected and listened to when I do speak. (hmmm that's three and's in one sentence. Oh well.) It rained today and made everything so much cooler and even more delicious. It's May 16 in Texas and I'm having to wear a sweater! It's glorious! I hope I can learn to ride horseback this summer. Is it sad that is one of my main goals this summer? I really really really want to learn though. Always have but never had the opportunity to. Especially in Po-dunk USA. Blegh. Anyway. I literally am rambling. Not much to do today so I'm just filling the time. :) Anywhoo. Hmmm...maybe I'll gown down to the river this evening. That would be nice. Especially in this weather. Ok. Back to work. Byeee!

Tears

So today Kristen graduated from Schreiner University. It's crazy to think that just four years ago she graduated from High School, got married and moved out. My sister. Sigh. The family came up to celebrate the event. It was positively lovely. The girls have gotten so big and adorable. (Kelly please please please put the pictures up! lol) I've finished organizing my stuff for camp but am becoming terrified that I have too much still. I already miss Mom and Dad. Cried when I hugged them goodbye. I'm most likely not going to see them this entire summer. Although I'm kinda used to it the thought of me starting something new and not being able to see them......sigh. I hate it. I wish so dearly that I could put into words how much my parents mean to me. I guess the only way to do it is to show them. To marry a Chrisitan man and raise my children to serve the Lord. That's something I've always felt that I needed to do. Shrug. To allow my parents to have a legacy of faith. They were never well-to-do or famous or appreciated very much and I feel that this is the best gift I can give them. The past two years I have grown in love and respect for them- especially my dad. He's an amazing man. No matter his flaws. He's not perfect but neither is the rest of the world. Anyway. Well, I started out writing this to express something....not really sure what. So I guess this is good enough. I have more to say but nothing of worth or import so I'll just say goodnight and be done. <3 <3

My life on repeat

Let's see if I can finally put my emotions onto a blank screen. Probably not but at least I'm trying. Have you ever felt extremely spiritual and strong then done something really wrong and not forgiven yourself for it? This unforgiveness then causes you to rebel because you feel that you're past redemption and you just want to give up on trying to be a better person because you know its never going to happen? Being raised in church, I know just how wrong this thinking is, yet, that's exactly how I feel. The past month has been this way for me. Well, actually since January it's been a slow ascension into the pit for me. Sigh. Even as I write this my heart hurts and feels like its being ripped in two over how I've acted. Dramatic sounding? Perhaps. Yet, I think I would rather be dramatic right now than completely uncaring as to how I've acted. I hate that I've become the person I have. I may have become stronger but that strength has been used to hurt. I may have become more confident but that confidence has been used to manipulate. I may have become more vocal but my voice has become one of dissention and disrespect. I am ashamed. Perhaps I shouldn't write this for the world to see. I don't know. Yet, I feel that, to a degree at least, I'm stating to it that I know what I've done has been wrong and I'm in no way, shape or form proud of it. I'm trying to find my way out of this mess I've made but I can tell that it's going to be a long journey. I only pray that this summer is a cleansing period for me. God only knows how much I need it. I've failed Him, once again. Sometimes I wonder if He'll take me back. I know He will. He always does. That's the beauty of God's love. Yet, sometimes I feel as if I would rather continue to live in the filth than to go back to God and reveal to Him, once more, all my sin. It's like a dog returning to its vomit. Gross and disgusting. I don't know how He can stand me and my dirty self. Now just to clear the any questions I haven't done drugs, alcohol, sex etc. I've just had a rebellious non-caring attitude about how my actions affect people and God. I've disobeyed Him time and time again. Sigh. I could honestly continue to write about all my wretched faults but there's no point. What's done is done. My only hope is to remember that Jesus died on the cross for one such as I. That His mercies are new EVERY morning and strive to lay my sinful self on the altar of God each and every morning. God never said it would be easy but He did say He would always be with us. Heaven help me to remember that.