My life on repeat

Let's see if I can finally put my emotions onto a blank screen. Probably not but at least I'm trying. Have you ever felt extremely spiritual and strong then done something really wrong and not forgiven yourself for it? This unforgiveness then causes you to rebel because you feel that you're past redemption and you just want to give up on trying to be a better person because you know its never going to happen? Being raised in church, I know just how wrong this thinking is, yet, that's exactly how I feel. The past month has been this way for me. Well, actually since January it's been a slow ascension into the pit for me. Sigh. Even as I write this my heart hurts and feels like its being ripped in two over how I've acted. Dramatic sounding? Perhaps. Yet, I think I would rather be dramatic right now than completely uncaring as to how I've acted. I hate that I've become the person I have. I may have become stronger but that strength has been used to hurt. I may have become more confident but that confidence has been used to manipulate. I may have become more vocal but my voice has become one of dissention and disrespect. I am ashamed. Perhaps I shouldn't write this for the world to see. I don't know. Yet, I feel that, to a degree at least, I'm stating to it that I know what I've done has been wrong and I'm in no way, shape or form proud of it. I'm trying to find my way out of this mess I've made but I can tell that it's going to be a long journey. I only pray that this summer is a cleansing period for me. God only knows how much I need it. I've failed Him, once again. Sometimes I wonder if He'll take me back. I know He will. He always does. That's the beauty of God's love. Yet, sometimes I feel as if I would rather continue to live in the filth than to go back to God and reveal to Him, once more, all my sin. It's like a dog returning to its vomit. Gross and disgusting. I don't know how He can stand me and my dirty self. Now just to clear the any questions I haven't done drugs, alcohol, sex etc. I've just had a rebellious non-caring attitude about how my actions affect people and God. I've disobeyed Him time and time again. Sigh. I could honestly continue to write about all my wretched faults but there's no point. What's done is done. My only hope is to remember that Jesus died on the cross for one such as I. That His mercies are new EVERY morning and strive to lay my sinful self on the altar of God each and every morning. God never said it would be easy but He did say He would always be with us. Heaven help me to remember that.