Emptied Space

It's been a while since I've written anything on here. It's hard to focus on feelings, personal thoughts and things when all you do is sit in front of a computer. So I'm forcing myself to do this. Things here have been quite active. I'm not sure where the past couple of months have gone. Sometimes I feel like it has just disappeared and was never here. Then I think of memories. . I'm finished with my year as a junior. 2 more semesters and I graduate. The thought blows me away. I look around and see how everyone around me knows what he or she is doing when they leave here. Then I look at myself. Little ol' me. Do I know what I'm doing? Nope. Not one iota. I'm as a wave on the shore being tossed around or a leaf in the wind being blown every which way. I don't know God's will for my life. Ha. I don't know what I want to do with my life! Yet, the thought has been going around and around in my mind for the past couple of days. What if I do know? What if deep down in the most hidden parts of my heart, I know? What if I know but I'm too scared to live it out? Too scared to trust God to listen? You know I can say and, even, write all kinds of things about trusting God with His plan for your life but do I believe it? Do I believe my own words? I just...I don't even know. There's something in my heart that I want to write down. I want to express it but I just don't know if there are words for this kind of thing. A job, a dream, a place to go, a husband, a child, a life well lived, a future, a past, the present. I want things. I want them as a child wants her dream back after waking. You know you'll never have it but you still wish. Why? Because without hope we would all be dead. What if I miss God's best? What then? Because it is possible to mess it all up. No matter what anyone tells me. I mean, sure, you can hope that God turns it all around. Yet, what if He doesn't? I just don't understand. I just...I'm standing on shifting sand and I'm scared to death that I'm going to screw this all up. I want so badly to cover my ears to the answers to my questions because it's all hollow to me. It's as if I'm grasping onto straws to keep from going under the waves of it all. Sometimes it feels as if people tell me things not because they believe but because they know that's what they are supposed to say. I know there are times I do that. It's strange to think that my last summer of childish freedom is almost over. After this school year I will be a bonafide, hardcore, true blue grownup. I'll have a job and insurance and bills. Part of me wants to grab hold of time and stop it from ticking away. Another part wants to let it go, to allow it to disappear, to slowly tick it all away till things have gotten easier, even push it forward. Isn't that how we are? Torn between the now and the what if? How it must be for God, sitting up in His heaven, having to hear these prayers. I know it's silly yet, I also know it is human. Things haven't exactly shaped up like I thought they would and I'm surprised by my strength. My dad once told me that I'm stronger than I think and in this time I'm seeing just how right he is. I'm thankful for that. It's my dad's 60th birthday. He was 39 when they had me. It blows me away to think that life is here. Now. You can't tell it to wait till you've got it all figured out. You're figuring this beautiful mess out right now. And you've only got one shot. I don't really have a point. Just that time...time is my closest enemy. It gives and it takes. It moves and stops. It steals and lends. Just as that moment before fully waking and it's as if time stands still. Or that instant when walking in the rain and you can see the individual raindrops falling. Or when you look at the stars and realize the immensity of it and you feel as if time never ends. It just goes on and on and on into eternity.