Life has been interesting lately. Of course, when isn't it? Yet this has been a different interesting...more of a slowly settling of revelation instead of a wave of knowledge. There is a difference. I wake and feel as if I'm no longer whole. Is it due to the burning of my flesh on the altar of God? Perhaps it is the natural state of things. Like a little kid who lost their favorite blanket. It's not that the changes are over taking me. I just wish I knew. Knew where I was going and how God aims to get me there. I've realized that the next year and a half is going to be a huge testing period for my character, for my faith, for my ability to let go of my reasoning mind and allow God's senseless love to lead me in all truth. The "what if's" plague my heart like needles trying to find a vein. Piercing the most tender areas. Silence has become the order for the day, my mouth too taut to allow much of anything to come out. Stress slowly mounting as bad dreams haunt my nights and fears seem to become my shadow following my every move. I feel as if God is staring at me trying to get me to understand something but I'm missing it. I feel as if I have no ability to discern for myself. As if I need my mom or dad to hold my hand and tell me exactly where I should go, what I should be. As if I can't trust my own spirit to guide me. Sigh. I just feel as if I'm in this waiting room wondering if there was something I could have done to keep me from this place and wondering why I'm not being told anything. Blegh.
So enough about what I feel about the situation. Now onto what I need to do about it in no particular order-1. Remain where I am (figuratively) until I have a sure knowing that I should go forward. I need to refrain from wandering aimlessly around the fields and roads trying to figure out the best path. The key when lost is remaining where you are until help comes or you're positive of the direction you should go. 2. Pray. My knees should ache from prayer, both literally and figuratively. How else can God communicate with me unless I'm tuned in. 3. Act. Do things. I can't just sit around waiting for God to yell His will at me. Perhaps the best way to figure out where I'm going is to act. Not just live with a beating heart and breath and enjoying life but of giving time, energy, love and honor to those around me. 4. The Word. Ahhh possibly the crux of my problem. The one thing I have struggled with my entire life. Not a lack of belief but a lack of discipline. I won't even go into it other than saying I'm going to change that. My personal faith should be of most importance to me. Since I seem to be only capable of trusting everyone's faith but my own.
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