:)

Ok so I just finished a super long blog about me trusting God but I want to write one more quicky before I really go.... ;) I was looking over some of my past blogs and all I can say is God is great! hehe.....that's it....that's all I wanted to say....just to remind some of ya'll in case you forgot....lol....ok now I'm really leaving...promise!

"blah blah blah blah"

So I feel so much better today...thank the Lord! For some reason I've become super tired all of a sudden but other than that...I'm good. I just am trusting that God will guide me in this new direction of my life. I have decided that He is the only who can make me truly happy and so I'm going to stop depending on other people to do the impossible. :) Granted that's much easier said than done. We get used to depending on people...you know you always hear people say that this world needs to accept the idea that we need people...and we do! It's just that we force people to depend so much on people that we forget the only person that we can truly depend on...who will truly love us....who will truly come through for us in those dark hours of our lives....God. This world puts so much emphasis on accepting the idea of needing people that we forget the God who created us to need Him. He just wants to come through for us. That's the truth. He doesn't want us to always turn to our parents or our friends or our family or....anyone....He wants us to turn to Him because in the end all those other people will go away and you will still be left standing alone physically. God goes with us in the valleys that no one else can enter. Sometimes there are things that we have to learn on our own without much real help from anyone else....and most times the only thing they can do is pray. God will be my one true companion....for in Him all others will come...and go...but He will remain there with me in the fire...in the storm...in the valley of the shadow of death.....in torrential down pour....He will be with me...guiding me....reminding me to "fear not, for I am with you." You know I read once that a woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to search God to find her. I love it. I want that to be me. I want my life and heart to be so hidden in God that a man has to search God's heart and mind to find me. Granted they may not....God may not want them to...but still I want them to draw closer to God just because they knew me. I want to inspire people to WANT to know God....I want them to see an inner peace and light shining out from me that no one can explain except for the idea that it's something spiritual. That's my new direction...haha....I have many new directions...but thankfully I think I'm finally on the right track.....they are all leading to a closer relationship with God. Now in two weeks the trials will really start to hit....so everyone pray for me....college has been one tough trial for me....but with God's help and ya'lls prayers and determination I will conquer....hehe...kinda corny, eh? oh well. God said it first! "For we are more than conquerers through Christ who strengthens me..." or "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..." Either one....they both tell me that only with God's help am I going to be able to live this new life.....yikes...the doubts come and attack but I will stay strong....I have family who love me....friends who care and a God who is bigger than ANYTHING the devil can throw at me. Thank the Lord! Well this is getting rather long and I'm really just blabbing away at nothing of much interest...so I will away...and help my sister pack! Goodbye darling world.....to you I say, "God is amazing!" For you see,God is in His Heaven so all is right with the world. :)

Confusion, mayhem and ill

So I've decided on my New Year....no my new life.....resolution....three days in advance. To many this is going to sound weird and strange and to others...well ok...to everyone this is going to sound psycho...but that's just the way this cookie is crumbling. My new life resolution is to get rid of my romance books....ALL of them....become more involved in this school and church...and rededicate my life to God. This past year I have gotten so far off track that I don't know what the truth is...and that is the worst realization in the world...especially for someone who values the truth. Ugh. I am just trying to trust God that I am a child of the king and just like any dad would do He will take care of me. That He will protect me and guide me back to the truth. That's a most wonderful thought to someone like me....someone who has been deceived and bound by their beliefs for the past....hmph...for all of my young/ old life....that's the thing I keep telling myself..."You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." That is God's promise to people like me. Hallelujah! That is what I'm staking my life on from now on. That God's truth will set me free. The version of Amazing Grace that Christ Tomlin sings...."my chains are gone...I've been set free....my God my Savior has ransomed me....and like a flood His mercy rain...unending love....amazing Grace...." I am no longer bound by the lies of the devil. I have been set free! I am claiming that freedom! Amen and amen. This is the start of a new life....a better one....and I'm claiming that the new me will be better this year than ever before! Hugs and kisses to all! God bless! I will talk later...

Love, happiness and a blanket of God.....

Doesn't that just sound yummy??? Oh.....goodness....I was so happy and I still am but I'm scared too. Scared of God. I don't feel that certain peace that should evade my heart when I think about Him. I've done some things I shouldn't have. I've become someone I'm not. Yet, the dumb part is I don't even truly know who I am...so how can I know that I've become what I'm not?.....Does it make sense?....I am who I am....I what I want...But at the same time....I know this is not what God wants for me. My life is not my own. I can't live it the way I want to. I have to take these feelings in hand. I have to learn to control my emotions. Hmph....my parents have been telling me that as long as I can remember. I never listened to them....until now. I need to be saved. That's what I'm starting to realize. I need to be saved from myself. It's like that verse in Romans....."oh what wretched man that I am, who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God- through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin." This is not to say I've lost something....in fact I feel that to some extent I've gained something. Oh please don't let my life be a waste....I'm scared that my experiences....my risks....my hurts....will all turn out to be a pointless waste of time. I don't know why that makes me soooo fearful. ("run with me, dream with me, pray with me, fall on me") That in the end.....I will not have become a better person for my pain...instead I will be bitter and mean. I don't know! I truly don't know why I'm scared....I just know I am. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of love, joy, a of sound mind." Sigh...how I wish I could be promised things.....how I wish I could make promises without fear of breaking them. Lord, cover me. Save me from myself. "I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile. We'll get through tomorrow somehow today. Happy after. Once upon these days." "Be my covering." There's just some things I need saving from. Why does the flesh rule our lives? I need God's grace to get me through the days. He will be there for me. Praise the Lord! I am not alone in this world...spiritually. I need to grow in God's grace and knowledge. This will happen! We will get through and persevere! For nothing is impossible with God. Amen and amen.......So goodnight sweet precious world.....for tomorrow is another day and another chance to learn.

Heartbreak

My heart beats its slow rythmic pound.
My breath catches.
I feel the pain coming from the deep dark recesses of my heart....
It knocks on the door....pounds.....ready to be freed.
The door cracks....an inch.....a foot.....wider and wider....
The pain flows out....surrounding my heart in a cloak of despair.
It mocks me.
Laughs as I cower in the shadows.
It steals my dreams....my happiness....
Taking from me the only truth I've known...
The knowledge that the crown I wore was only a plastic toy.
The dress I wore was only a play thing worn by little girls.
I sit in the dark....a woman....dressed in her play clothes.....
There is no princess.
She was a character stolen from a book.
A woman who has awakened from her slumber to see the world she created was only a dream.
There is no little princess.
There is no sweet daughter.
There is no future wife.
There is only me.
And that is the saddest part.

Life.....

My heart wonders at its beat.
Why does it?
Why does it take the energy from my body just to make the heart beat?
Why am I alive?
O please answer this question.
My life needs meaning.
Meaning beyond the small world I live in.
I want to have an impact on this world.
I was called to be an impact on this world.
Where has this life taken me?
Where is it taking me?
How can I plan forever?
Oh God how can I plan forever when forever is here?
Time has come for me to make decisions that I'm not ready to make.
My life isn't some enchanted evening or a fairy tale.
This is real.
Those dreams where the dreams of a child.
They are gone in the wind.
The time has come for me to let go of those dreams.....but its killing me.
Someone come and save me.
I must let go.
Its tearing me apart.
All in the ramblings of a girl...yes a girl....who has learned that the prince isn't coming for his princess because there is no princess.
Just a lost woman who needs direction for her life and isn't finding it.
Oh who will save me from my wretched state?
Goodnight sweet world.......tomorrow is another day.....another dream gone.....another breath taken......another day to live......

Poem....

"Within my heart a garden grows,
Wild with violets and fragrant rose.
Bright daffodils line the narrow path,
my footsteps silent as I pass.
Sweet tulips nod their heads in rest;
I kneel in prayer to seek God's best.

For 'round my garden a fence stands firm
To guard my heart so I can learn
who should enter, and who should wait
on the other side of my locked gate.
I clasp the key around my neck
and wonder if the time is yet.

If I unlocked the gate today,
would you come in? Or run away?"

A Promise is Forever by Robin Jones Gunn