The fear of a girl in the life of a woman.....

I don't even know what to write anymore. I don't think there's really a point in trying anymore. Shrug. I'm tired and wishing I could just live without the stress of boys or school or work or responsibility....but we all know that isn't ever going to happen. Sigh. Whatever. I think that boys are retarded. They know how girls are. So why do they still do things that they KNOW is just going to hurt the girl?? Because when it all comes down to it...they don't care. So in the end I was right. Thank you so much for proving me right.

Back from the past....

Wow....I'm amazed at how people can feel something for someone and then poof...the feelings are gone.....the care, the appreciation, the respect....gone....like a whisper in the wind... But I'm starting to learn that that's how this life is....and even though it stinks horribly.... I'm starting to appreciate that fact.... I'm glad that I'm getting a chance to learn to relate better with people...that I'm getting a chance to be independent....that I'm learning who I am. That I'm starting to learn the amazing fact that I don't need a guy!!! Yay me! ;) I would love to have a guy around who loves me for me and cares for me and will stick around for ever and always but that's not what God has for me right now. I know I'll forget this soon but at least I knew it for awhile. :S Have I mentioned that guys are overrated?? haha.... I don't hold the drama against all of them....I just know that women hold guys on WAY too high of a pedestal... shrug.....that's what we usually pathetically do when we can't handle ourselves....we want someone else to do something for us that only we can do for ourselves......no one can make me happy until I make myself happy. So I'm starting to learn to say....screw the world.....I will be who I am....accept me or deny me......it hurts but I'll get over it. God made life hard...but NEVER impossible. I'm a survivor....hehe.....SOOooooooOOOooo HaPpY!!! Muaw! My kisses are sweeter than honey.... ;)

Wishing for.....

That someone who loves me. The person who will help me.....complete me....find me......fight for me.....stand with me......

This is me, you're talking to.......the one who really knows you.....

I'm so stressed right now. I just want to live without living....without the stress.....but we all know that ain't going to happen....oh well. I'm trying so hard to grow up but it really is hard and I'm seriously starting to wonder if 1. I'm even growing any and 2. if I ever will reach the end of maturing.....I'm scared I won't. I'm scared I'll always be stuck in this childlike mentality of having everyone take care of me....being selfish...and rude....but the thing is I don't feel that I am......Yet, everyone else seems to think I am. I'm actually at the point where I don't want to have anything to do with men. Amazing isn't it? Its not that I'm holding all this drama against them....I'm just enjoying being myself without having to force someone to love me.....That doesn't work....just in case anyone was wondering......haha.... I'm hoping if I just sit, be myself and not force anything....the man that God has for me will come.....sure its probably going to take awhile and that's not a very comforting thought......but I'm willing to accept it. :) I'm tired of being happy with a guy and then him ruining it all because he doesn't like how I am......shrug. Oh well. That's just the way its going to be for awhile and I think that for now I'm ok with that.... Well this isn't super deep....I can't focus...I have too much stuff to do in order to do that.....haha...hope you have a great night! love love love!!! muaw!

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you...

I feel like I'm just meant to hurt people. Its seems like I either need/use people and then I turn around and hurt them. I don't mean to! I don't go into a situation thinking that I'm going to hurt someone......I just do. And it seems that I'm the worst for it. Shrug. If I was cruel and blantant in my hurting then I could fix it easier....but since I don't mean to and it just happens its going to take forever to fix. I just wish I was nicer....quieter.....better..... "here comes the excuses of why I let you down..." You know I'm sick of excusing myself. I'm sick of being weak. SICK OF IT! So I'm going to try my hardest to stop accepting my failures as the end all of my life. Its stupid and immature..........

Facebook

Its so interesting reading the status's of friends on Facebook. You discover things about people that you never would otherwise. Sigh. I just don't know. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel like I'm stuck in a quagmire...not moving forward but also not moving backward. I'm just stagnant and the sad thing....at least to me.....is that I'm totally ok with it. A couple of weeks ago my life was an emotional wreck and now its about to turn in to a literal one. I have choir rehearsal till 10 tonight, I don't know if I have a test in my fitness class...which I haven't studied for at all if we do, I have a bio test on Thursday which is over material I don't understand ANYTHING about, our choir play is this weekend in which I'm expecting to be completely humiliated in due to the fact that I can't dance worth a lick, I have to clean bathrooms for campus ministry this weekend, plus work, plus wanting to have a social life........So far the good things this week that I haven't screwed up are my history test which I made a 90 on. I've learned the music fairly well for choir. I've started talking even more to some nice people. I don't know. I just don't have the gumption to do any of the things I NEED to do. Its terrible and very immature. Sheesh. Just thinking about it all makes me want to crawl back into bed and go back to sleep. But I can't because I've promised I won't miss another class. G-R-E-A-T..........oh well. I need to go get ready for class now. Hope ya'lls lives are a whole lot freakin' better than mine. :) Adios!

Tests...

So yesterday I went to church (yay me! haha) and the church has a guest speaker. He talked about the tests that God brings us through, relating the idea to the life of Joseph. It was interesting...to say the least. My mind says that this is why these things have been happening in my life but at the same time my heart refuses to believe it. The sermon was just presented too....simply. It didn't discuss the idea of satan fighting for us deeply enough. How do we judge if it is temptation or tests? How do we know if the things we are going through are of God.....and he is just "trying us by fire"? Or that its satan.....trying to bring us down.....trying to destroy us? No one has tried to kill me. No one has accused me of adultry. No one has thrown me in jail. But people have broken my heart. People have disregarded my feelings. People have proven my thoughts of myself. So is God testing me? Or is satan just trying to destroy me? I don't know. I honestly don't want to think about it. I just want to wake up in the mornings and have good days. I don't want to have to struggle through things. I've failed before and I'll probably fail again. I just wonder if maybe I can fix my emotional aspect then I can get through things like this better. I won't fail again. I don't know. Oh well. That's the way things are supposed to be I guess. I'm sleepy. :)

Some things in life are overrated.....

Things like speech. I love how some people can come up to me and in the sweetest voice tell me something that breaks my heart. It's like poisoned honey. I can't believe the cruelty that can come from people. I don't care really about the situation in and of itself but I care about the fact that people say stupid things that don't need to be said and that hurt other people. But I release it. People who don't understand the fact that what they say do affect other people should be pitied.....So I'm glad that I'm happy. And I'm sorry for some people who don't know how to relate well with others. So yeah. That's my thought for the day. Love ya!