You don't have to yell.

Well, I only have one more week left of work. I'm so excited. I can't wait. Like seriously. ;) Today was the longest day yet. Sigh. Tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut s-s-s-short. I'm a little scared but I know it will be a good thing. So that when I go back to school I'll seem....more confident. Hopefully it won't just seem though. Hopefully I really will be more confident. I'm a little scared to see certain people again. I don't want to hurt again. Yet, I'll leave that up to God. He has my heart's best interests at heart. I don't know. I don't have much to say. Just wanted to check in and let you know a little about my life's changes. :) I'll post a picture or two of my new hairdo tomorrow. Love and kisses!

She's so pretty and she's so short.

;) Summer is ending soon and it's all right. Maybe I'm a little bit over my head......but it's all right. Sigh. I can't wait to be back up at school. I know I know. Can't wait for Sisterhood Of the Traveling Pants 2! Childish perhaps. But quite honestly I don't care. I grew up with those girls. hahahaha..... Thinking perhaps these next two weeks should FLY by. That's what I would prefer. I move back up to Kerrville the 16 or 17. Depending on which is easier on my parents. I love summer but prefer the school year. I make more memories that way. :) Anyway. I need sleep. Work tomorrow. Gotta make that money!

Peter Pan and Wendy- Growing Pains

Well, I received an email from my campus minister today telling me, along with the other Campus Ministry Council (wouldn't that look great on paper or a shirt? CMC.....nice,) what the plans are for the start of school. I am so freakin' excited. Haha...I feel like a chihuahua. You know how they get all trembly and antsy when they are excited? That's how I am when I start thinking about it. ;) I want to write more about it but I can't. I'm too tired and preoccupied with thoughts of figuring out if and/or how I'm going to get moved up there on time. So I'll write more about this later.

Then there is my job. I've decided I'm only working for another two weeks. I can't wait. For it to end that is. Terrible of me, I know. I'm just ready to be back at school and when I walk out of there for the last time in blue and khaki it will mean one less obstacle in the path to getting back to school. I'm trying to figure out when tax free weekend is. I hope I don't have to work those days. Eep. That would be a little depressing. Not gonna lie.

Finally school. I still have no idea what in the world I'm going to do. I guess I'm just going to have to wait it out this semester and pray that I find direction. I'm terrified I won't. I feel that it would be a terrible waste of time if I didn't. I might as well not even go back if I don't. I have so much pressure- from all sides. It stinks. Horribly. Some people think I would be good at communications but I'm not a people person.....a horrible conversationalist..... I feel that I would be best majoring in psychology. As for God, I don't know what His opinion is. I know. That one little word explains the whole issue. Opinion. I don't want to ask what His will is. I just have this feeling that He's going to ask me to do something I won't want to do. Stupid I know. Yet, what if He does?? Look as Hosea? That guy had to marry a prostitute so God could make a point to the Israelites! What if He wants to use me to make a point??? Or what if He asks me to go somewhere that I'll be lonely and rejected?? Or what if He makes me stay home and have to remain under slight restriction because I still live under my parent's house?? I don't know if my parents or I could handle it. I don't want to ruin our relationship! I don't have enough patience. It's my fault. I know. Sigh. I can't let go and trust that God knows me better than I know myself....... :S

Blown up.

I hate my job right now. Argh. I just want to scream at the head people in the other states. What the freak are they thinking?!?! I mean seriously. I can't take leave from work inorder to go to college because I don't have enough "working hours." Of course I don't! I just spent 9 months in college trying to get my degree!!!! Not only that but certain people who's job it is to keep us up to date with this kind of thing didn't. They knew I was leaving and still didn't tell me! What the freak?! I am now officially stressed.....and ticked. Pretty much it's try to find a way around it or quit. I would just like to say if it comes to that.....they're losing a good employee. It will be their loss..... Eeesh. I better stop now before I say too much or start cussing on here. I'm that mad. Pray that something can be figured out tomorrow.

Chaos is the only thing that is fair.

Well, I've had a very crazy weekend. Sheesh. Friday I got home from a day of work to go to a church function. Then Saturday I drove, for the first time, in San Antonio BY MYSELF up to La Cantera to see my roommate. That was great. Yet, I left at 2:30 quickly coming to the coclusion I had messed myself over due to the lack of realization that the next place I had to be was 30 minutes away from my hometown. So I got to my house at 3:30 and had to make it to a friend's wedding that started at 4:00. Needless to say I sped over to Whittsett and made it about 5 minutes late. I was ashamed of myself for my lack of planning but I guess in the end it was all good. My friends and I went to the reception at a little ancient hall outside of our town that is so rustic-ly beautiful. We then proceeded to dance the night away. It was fun. Yet, other than seeing a friend marry the best part was my utter lack of desire to be in her place. I wasn't sitting around moping because I want to get married. Nope. I was just happy to hang out with my friends and have fun looking beautiful. (Side note: Frustrated because I have to go to the store......ugh.) Anyway, then Sunday I went to church and yesterday night hung out with some more friends of mine, including a guy who has just come back from a year of mission work in China. I can't wait to hear more about his adventures. :) We went to see The Dark Knight. All I can say is I wasn't much impressed. Yes, the effects were good but in my VERY humble opinion the entire movie was depressing and creepy. I hate leaving a movie feeling empty and mad. Where's the joy in that?! I don't know. The Joker made some interesting points. Yet, I don't believe in getting my philosophy from movies...especially one that could have possibly caused the suicide of Heath Ledger. (Or whatever they're calling it now.) I have more to say but I'm sure no one really wants to read my rants about the down fall of mankind. ;) Sigh. I'm exhausted. I didn't get in till 4 am and I woke up at 9:30 am. Now I get to go to work at 5 till 9. Boy, I'm crashing when I get home. Finally. I guess I've finally worked my body into pure exhaustion that I can sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. I would personally rather that than laying in bed worrying and fretting and stressing over things until I'm ready to scream. shrug. Anyway. I need to go to the store now. Sigh. Write more soon.

Broken voice and a twisted smile.

Sorry, these seem to be taking a turn for the melancholy. Sigh. Today we found out that someone in my life has cancer on their kidney. Pray for them, please? They're going to have to have their kidney taken out and possibly their bladder. It will be tough on them and the family. Life has been a little difficult lately. I don't know why. Possibly just my body getting used to be alone again or just my spirit not at rest. Either way, I'm not getting good sleep at night and it's affecting my mood at work....well, pretty much everywhere I go. I want to spend money in hopes (I'm thinking) that it will make me feel complete, which is stupid. I know. Yet, a girl's got to try something! I'm struggling with somethings. Once again being "abandoned" I seem to becoming angry at God again. No, that's not the right word. I feel.......well.....let down. By myself and Him. Why did He create me to be so flippin' stupid??? To fall so easily for things that only hurt me in the end?? How do I fix this? How do I stop trusting and start disbelieving the lies people tell me?? I don't want to continue on the path I'm on. Yet, I'm scared out of my wits to try something new. I'm in what they would call a Catch 22. I'm so tense tonight. Restless. Tired. Sick. Stressed. I don't want to fight it. I'd rather just let it sweep me away tonight. Sigh. I guess I'm going to try to sleep. Perhaps it will all turn out ok in the end. Shrug. I just don't know anymore.

Was it worth it? What I gave away? For five minutes of fame?

Sigh. I think this is why I'm all down and can't sleep. THIS. Yes, I know you don't know what THIS is.....that's the point. Yet, what I gave away was worth more than a million this's. Too bad I didn't realize it until now. What a moron. Sigh. Well, I'm gonna take a nap. I'll write more later.

The Thoughts Are Mine

So my dad was watching this show tonight that caught my eye. I sat down to watch the short piece on children who have Turrets Syndrome and wound up crying. Silly, perhaps, yet, these poor children are caught in a body that they did not ask for with responses that they cannot control. How terrible is that?? Yet, what really got me was one of the girls being talked about was "religious." I hate that they use that term.....but I digress. Anyway, they showed her on her first day of school and her mom prayed with her. On national tv. Oh, I know, I know, plenty of people pray on national tv. Yet, here is this little girl who is living a life that she, to a large degree, can't control placing her trust in someone she can't see that HE will take care of her. Sigh. It's an amazing thing when you begin to see God in everything. You begin to fall in love with everything and everyone. Strange. Yet, definitely nice. It's better than struggling against it all. Life becomes exhausting when you do that.

Sigh, I can't wait to help people. Lord, it's going to be fun. :)

Small Hands, Big Dreams

Pocket Full of Sunshine

Ay yi yi. Life has taken some crazy turns in the past couple of days.....and not necesarily in a good way. Sigh. All the stress has decided to settle right between my shoulder blades and cause pain at the most inoportune times. I must admit that I'm becoming excruciatingly tired of all this drama. I can't wait for my life to become more settled. hahaha.....Granted that will take a drastic work of God but hey, with God all things are possible, right? I'm still counting down the days till I go back to school. Unfortunately it looks like I won't be able to go back up a week early like I was wanting to due to my church being involved in our Cowboy Homecoming parade on the morning I was hoping to be dropped off..... Oh well! I guess I'll just work an extra week. Goodness knows I'll need the money. (Is that how that saying goes?? hrm....) Anyway, I've become addicted to BarlowGirl and Rihanna for the past week. BarlowGirl for my spiritual health but Rihanna when all I want to do is "break dishes." Eesh. This morning God was good. I had an unexpected "blow" and couldn't believe some stuff that went on and could hardly help my mom sing during praise and worship due to my quaking heart. Ugh. Silly. Anyway, I just started praying and God gave me the strength and courage to finish out the service with a smile on my face and peace in my heart......well, kinda. ;) Peace is a hard thing for me to grasp...no matter what the situation is. Sigh. My dad preached on going back to the basics of Christianity. It was really good. Spoke to me. God's been dealing with me on that issue. How I need to go back to my altar...Just as Abraham did. So I'm really going to try to let go of some of the stuff I started doing my freshman year in college....nothing horrible or terrible.....just me being a little rebellious. :S Things that aren't exactly BAD....just not the best thing for me. haha....like listening to Rihanna. But there are things that I learned this past year that I will never let go of. Like I CAN be strong on my own. Maybe not for very long but I can do it. Well, anyway, I'm starting to ramble and I have work tomorrow. :) G'night.