Sigh...

Life is weird. I don't really understand half of the things that happen. Why can't we just KNOW what is going to happen, do it and then be happy? Time steals so much. Yet it also gives so much back. I don't know what to do...about everything and nothing. The questions steal into my heart begging to be answered. They knock on the door of my heart...waiting....Should I let them out? Or would life just get harder if I did?? Ugh...the retardedness of life...sigh...I don't think I'm going to try anymore....blah....blah...blah.

What is causing....

So ok...I'm thinking...In response to the previous blog....Why CAN'T I trust people to stick around? I don't understand... I've thought and thought and thought...I don't understand! I can't think of anything in my life that has truly caused me to respond this way...Ugh. Its so frustrating. I hate feeling this way but at the same time its so comfortable for me. It is what I'm used to...it is who I am...Life is so complicated! I wish I understood but it appears that I never will. There comes a time in a persons life when they just have to decide...to do something or not. I guess that time has come for me...but I'm going to try to put it off for as long as possible. Sigh...good night....sleep tight...

Blah...

Life isn't fair... That's all I can say. Sigh.

Walls....

So I've discovered something about myself. Sometimes I become absolutely paralyzed by the idea of having to trust someone. My only thought becomes, "run away! Now, before you get hurt!" Sigh, its funny/sad because I have to stop myself from becoming crazy with fear of hurt. You think I'm being dramatic.... I've realized this now that I'm in college and basically REQUIRED to meet new people. The questions run through my head and straight to my heart, "Can I trust this person? Will they get to know me and then leave? What if I make them mad?! What if...What if...What if?!" The what ifs in life can become a persons greatest wall around their heart. I have taught myself to fear....fear abandonment, fear rejection, fear the fact that someone might actually care for me. To some this will strike home, to others it will just sound dumb and to still others it will sound pitifully sad. Yet, don't we all have some sort of wall around the most precious parts of ourselves? The parts that we fear utter rejection for? I've found myself doubting everyone's care for my life. Do people really care? I'm not writing this in a state of self pity or anything like that...so please don't comment out of pity. I've just discovered something about myself that could help other people... Then I realized- how little I must think of those people who have stuck around even when they didn't have to?! There are people in my life who HAVE stuck around despite my retardedness, my selfishness, my self pity, and on and on. Yet, ah isn't there always a yet? My heart still questions those people who are new....the people who haven't been around for 13 or 14 years. The people who are just getting to know me. Can I trust them? Can I trust myself enough....believe in myself enough...to accept the fact that there are people...new people...exciting people...that want to get to know me? And...here's the kicker....stick around? I guess I'm going to have to trust God that EVERYTHING he created is good and pleasing...including me. Sigh, its going to be hard. The spirit is willing but the flesh...and heart...is weak. But I'll try. Good night, dear world.

Dreams...

"The dreams I dream for you are deeper than the ones you are clinging to....let the old dreams die....take the cup I offer and drink deeply of the dreams I dream for you.." Avalon

Thank you Kelly for this song! Thank you for reminding me that God's dreams are always better than our own. Sigh, I wish I could think of deep things but right now my brain is dead. So I'll write tomorrow....

Small....

"Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand....when you figure out that love is all that matters...it sure makes everything else seem so small..." "So Small"- Carrie Underwood, Carnival Ride 2007
Hmmmm.... How true.... I forget so many times the importance of love. I mean seriously love is what created this world. It is the best thing ever. I love my family and my friends and Jesus. Hmmm guess it should be the other way around.... Jesus, family and friends. I guess I just need to remember this everytime things feel bigger than me and Jesus. Nothing is bigger than Jesus and His love! Well I guess I'll go. I have a headache! ;)

Jesus.....

help me to listen to you. Oh how I need your help right now. Please come to my aide. Be my knight in shining armor. Teach me to lean only on you. Help me to fall more and more in love with you EVERYDAY. Be my all in all. Make me strong against the temptation to become depressed and sad about the hurts in my life. I WILL rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS. I choose to stop the pain right now. No more bad relationships...no more stupid choices....no more hurt. You hold the key to my heart. You let in the ones who deserve to see my secrets. Thank you for everything. Love, your daughter- Kathleen

Thoughts while dusting...hehe...

Ok seriously it is amazing the thoughts that can come to you while you are doing the menial tasks. I was dusting at work and thinking about my life and my future- a sticky subject to be sure. I can never decide which would be better get married now or wait and live life on my own a little. Then I started thinking about how much I want to go to Europe and explore who I am and what I am. Yet, at the same time I think it would be absolutely amazing to marry a pastor. That's probably strange to most of ya'll who are reading this but eh...Anywhoo, I just look at my parents and how happy they are...despite problems...despite discouragement...despite hurt and anger. It really wasn't that bad but it always seems like there are more hurts in life than anything else doesn't it? But I digress...So my parents are happy and in love and have a church family to be there for them when blood family can't. (We live 4 hours away from our closes relatives.) I love it! I feel that God has called me to be a leader in a church somewhere out there... I mean seriously He couldn't have made me a pastor's daughter so I just sit on my bum all my life in church never living out my faith. So yeah....well I was thinking about those two things when I realized one will probably have to be given up! AAAHHH! I can't do that! These are both two dreams I've had since I was a little girl. I know God can and will work in me to will and do His good pleasure but SERIOUSLY...I don't want to give them up!?!!? Sniff.. (I feel like a little kid...hehe.) I'm really not THAT worried about it. I just never thought about my having to possibly give up one or even both of my dreams...Argh. Thanks brain for such positive thoughts. The way I look at it that if I marry a pastor I won't have TIME or MONEY to go to Europe. I guess honestly if I was a pastor's wife I wouldn't want the time or the money because that means I'm not doing enough and we're aren't managing our money correctly. So...I guess I need to pray about going to Europe before I marry so I can go at least once before my life is forever chained to this continent...hehe. Ok...I've ranted enough for now. I'll be back though with something deep..er tonight. Maybe.....

Pavlov....

So tonight in Psych we talked about learning and Pavlov's experiment on dogs and some other guys experiment on cats. These guys learned that people learn to do or not do things according to the feelings or response associated with what they did. So a cat getting shocked ever time they pull a string teaches the cat to not pull the string. Well, that's how humans are. That lead to me thinking about myself. Why do I continue to do things that I know in the end will hurt me? Why do I put myself out there when I know people will just stare at me and then move on as if I never existed? Why?! Why do I keep thinking about the things that will cause me to want something that will hurt me in the end? And yet, there are things were I have learned to do...like keeping my mouth shut when it comes to my true feelings. Just don't say anything...don't rock the boat...no one really cares about what you have to say.... they don't want to hear the truth....Thoughts that keep me from speaking my mind. From speaking the truth...ME! The person who holds truth as the one of the most important things in life! I hold out... I figured out why I always expect friends to walk out on me.... Stupid.. I know! You see I had friends who I really cared about but in the end...when they moved away...the relationship ended...poof! Gone...like a whisper in the wind... I'm the only one who regrets the loss of that friendship...everyone else moved on... I've to want everything but expect nothing all at the same time. This makes for a hard life....always being divided in what you feel. Especially when you can't trust the situation or person to come through for you. I wish I had learned a long time ago that letting go of things is the best thing you can ever do for yourself. I never learned it and I'm paying for it right now. I guess I need to learn to stop pulling on the string...then maybe I'll stop getting shocked.....

Feelings...

So I've been thinking about why I still feel certain ways. I've prayed that God would take it away so that I could move on in my life and find happiness but I've remained chained to the past. I realized today that God's not going to miraculously change my feelings. They will be there for a while. What I can do is stop dwelling on them. Stop pulling the bell cord. I hate the fact that I've been forced to stop but if I don't stop myself I'm just going to wind up getting hurt. Is my heart more important than that other person's? I guess it is... The feelings will never go away. They just stop being so apparent and loud in your heart. If you ignore them enough one day they will stop knocking on the door to your heart. If you could look into your heart at that time you will find them sitting in a dark, dusty, forgotten corner. They can always decide to suprise you with a knock now and then but they won't do it forever. Why does time rule everything!? Our lives are ruled by the clock! Argh....it isn't fair. Yea, yea...who says life isn't fair? I did! So there.

Time...

Does time heal all wounds? Or does the wound just become quieter? If time heals all wounds then we must spend all our life in constant pain... Some wounds take a longer time.... they were cut deeper and take more...time.... Others are just surface wounds...healed in a moment. Why do we have to hurt each other? Because we were hurt.... Life is one big wound.... This world is constantly being wounded....the enviroment, people, animals....everything- all at one point has been hurt. Why? God must have some purpose to it... What is it? Maybe so we can appreciate Heaven even more.... no more tears... no more pain.... no more death.... no more hurt. My dad once said that some people will see all of hell they will ever see here on earth while other people are going to see all of Heaven they will ever see... How sad. The campus chaplain said last night that in Istanbul there was a painting uncovered that depicted Jesus reaching down to Adam and Eve who were reaching up to grab His hand... Isn't that how it is? Jesus reaching down to pull us up but we have to be willing to trust Him and reach out our hand to grab His. Yet how hard it is to do that.... the pain in this world has taught us that people aren't trustworthy but Jesus isn't people. He is more than human... Oh how I wish I could reach and trust.... its so much easier said than done. I can just picture Him seeing my heart and deciding to let go.... I know that goes against everything he is but there have been humans who did such a thing.... why reach out? Why give my life to Him? Why risk it? Why can't I just live my own life? What draws my heart to this life of pain? Christianity is pain. Yet it is also hope. The knowledge that you will never be enough on your own- hurts. Yet, Jesus is there to reach out and draw to who he is. He willing to give us parts of himself. Sigh if only it didn't hurt. People can apologize- say they're sorry- but that doesn't change the hurt- it doesn't change the fact that it happened.... so what can a person do? Let it go? Act like it didn't happen? "Move on?" Hold on to the situaton until you know the person has forgiven you? What is forgiveness anyway? Does anyone truly know? What does it take? I guess the only thing that will fix everything is......time...... Sigh, if only time wasn't so slow..... Well, everyone....I'm sorry. I hope time really does heal all wounds 'cause if not...we're all in big trouble.....

I'm in love....

You know things are changing when you turn to Jesus to complain but wind up looking into His heart and fall in love all over again. So many times now I turn to Jesus to just rail on Him about things in my life that I don't like but....I can't. I can just picture Jesus looking at me and showing me His heart through His eyes and all I can do is fall down and praise Him. Yet, I can't forget my problems. Sigh. Lord, help me to give up and turn to You. People say that giving up is the worst thing that you can do. I disagree. Sometimes the best thing we can do is give up and then we will finally learn to turn to You. You are twirling me in the rain. I love You Lord.

Help me...

There are times in my life when I just become tired. Tired of everything- people, attitudes, feeling hopeless, feeling out of control....So many things come and all I can say is, "I quit." Tonight was one such night. Yet, instead of running to books or tv I ran to God. I went outside and sat on my car and listened to Casting Crowns. A deer came near me and I just watched it. It was a beautiful buck. No, God didn't speak to me through the buck or through nature as He usually seems to do. I just sat there and thought. I'm tired of feeling tired. I give it all to Jesus. He loves me and nothing can change that. I won't pretend to think that this will make any sense...tonight its all about rambling. Lets just see where this goes.... I hope that God will give me a husband that fits into the puzzle of my family and that I will fit just as well in his. I want to raise my children in a way that would make God and my parents proud. I love God. He has done some amazing things in my life. I have peace for the first time in a really long time. PEACE! You know I heard once that sometimes God calms the person IN the storm. Oh how God has done that to me! He is so amazing! He has changed me so much. I am a new creation in Him, old things have passed away behold all things are new! He has blessed me with a beautiful family, new friendships, old friendships, changed friends, a great car, another day on this earth. I will praise Him in the storm. I will, I will, I will! It is my prayer that God will help me to fall even more in love with Him everyday of life from now on. I love Him so much! Words cannot express it! It's like ice cream needs cold, roses need the sun, the ocean needs the moon, a child needs his or her mother, the sky needs clouds, that's how I need and love my Jesus. Thank You Jesus. You are my love.

This Adventure Was Never About Me, It's About YOU.....

"Once again I say goodbye to the ones I love most. My heart feels that familiar pain as I long for home because this road is hard when I feel so far. God I'm crying out tonight because I've given you my life but I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind. So once more here's my life. On the day that you called my name all that I knew changed. I found when I said yes that I'd never be the same. Though the call is hard, You are worth it all. God I'm crying out tonight because I've given you my life but I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind. So once more.... even when the tears are fallin' when I find I fear the calling You remind me..... word's You've spoken over my life, promises I've yet to see. You comfort me. God I'm crying out tonight because I've given You my life but I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind me. So once more... God I'm crying out tonight because I've given you my life but I'm tired and I'm missing whats behind. So once more HERE'S MY LIFE...." Here's My Life- Barlow Girls (How Can We Be Silent)