Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Pavlov....
So tonight in Psych we talked about learning and Pavlov's experiment on dogs and some other guys experiment on cats. These guys learned that people learn to do or not do things according to the feelings or response associated with what they did. So a cat getting shocked ever time they pull a string teaches the cat to not pull the string. Well, that's how humans are. That lead to me thinking about myself. Why do I continue to do things that I know in the end will hurt me? Why do I put myself out there when I know people will just stare at me and then move on as if I never existed? Why?! Why do I keep thinking about the things that will cause me to want something that will hurt me in the end? And yet, there are things were I have learned to do...like keeping my mouth shut when it comes to my true feelings. Just don't say anything...don't rock the boat...no one really cares about what you have to say.... they don't want to hear the truth....Thoughts that keep me from speaking my mind. From speaking the truth...ME! The person who holds truth as the one of the most important things in life! I hold out... I figured out why I always expect friends to walk out on me.... Stupid.. I know! You see I had friends who I really cared about but in the end...when they moved away...the relationship ended...poof! Gone...like a whisper in the wind... I'm the only one who regrets the loss of that friendship...everyone else moved on... I've to want everything but expect nothing all at the same time. This makes for a hard life....always being divided in what you feel. Especially when you can't trust the situation or person to come through for you. I wish I had learned a long time ago that letting go of things is the best thing you can ever do for yourself. I never learned it and I'm paying for it right now. I guess I need to learn to stop pulling on the string...then maybe I'll stop getting shocked.....
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Once again, it seems as if you have reached out and copied the thoughts within my own head, lol I can't give you any answers to the questions you asked, only God can. All I can offer is some meager advice relating to my own life which, I hope, will maybe shed a glimmer of light on the answers you seek. here goes:
I know that personally I keep doing things that i know will hurt me for several reasons. The most obvious one being that I'm scared of the change. I know that the things that hurt me need to stop, however they have been a constant and it's hard to let go. No matter how many other things I've let go and something good has happened, there is always that chance that this time, when I let go, it will hurt more than it does now. The obvious answer is to let go and take the pain at once, and then move on. That's much easier said than done. it's hard, just plain hard.
"Why do I put myself out there when I know people will just stare at me and then move on as if I never existed? Why?!"
Because that's how we met Jesus. We had to put ourselves out there and he had to choose to accept or deny us, and he chose to accept us. The simple knowledge that God looked at me and said yes, i'll take it or yes i like it or even hmmm...i can work with it fills me with so much joy. That joy leaks over and we conciously or unconciously put ourselves out there because we want to experience that again and again. I see that Jesus accepted me and I want others to accept me too. jesus is more than enough, however God made us sociable creatures, God made us into beings who want...no, need company. Look at Adam. He was alone except for the animals and he needed Eve. I continually put myself out there, even at the risk of being shunned or looked down upon by others because in the end, it's worth it. In the end we find felowship, friends, and most importantly, we find family. I put myself out there because even if 99 people walk by and forget about me or shunt me or look down on me, I know that someone will not and to me, it's worth it. Its worth it because with that one person, we see Jesus in them and we know that we are accepted, both by them and by the jesus in them. Isn't it worth it to be shunted by most, but LOVED by some? It is to me. :)
"Why do I keep thinking about the things that will cause me to want something that will hurt me in the end?"
That's temptation and that's being human. We're greedy little tykes, lol We can want and desire something all we want, however if it's detrimental to us, or it wil hurt us in a bad way, God won't allow it. We don't know what we need. God knows what we need, we only know what we want. There's a fine line, one which we can't tell the difference between, but one that God can and does judge by. For a time, it sucks. At times, we can get mad that God doesn't give us what we think we need, and a time when answers like this "god is only doing what's best for you" can send us into a fit of rage or sorrow. But the truth of the matter is that God is doing what's best for you. I don't know what else to say other than that. :S
Kathleen....those things you learned to do....unlearn them! they are what makes you you, what makes you unique. Of course they are different from everyone and of course the world will try and put you down for it. The world preaches conformity and anyone who doesn't is attacked and has silenced forced upon them. Whether or not we accept that order of silence. Do me a favor and when we talk or message or hang out or whatever, please don't remain silenced? please speak your mind? I'd like to get to know you, not someone afraid to speak their mind. it makes things fun when you do ;)
As for the last part about old friends and relationships....I can't even begin to advise you there. This perhaps more than anything else seems as if I wrote it. Everything you said rings true to me....except for one part. the part about learning to let go. if you learn to let go, then do you really have a relationship at all?? Anything that takes time and effort to build and create should have some hold on you...it helps shape who you are. if you let go, i think it would be like letting go of yourself. not good. I dunno though, I have no fancy words or bible verses to back this up, its just my personal belief. I'm sad and hurt and even angry at the people who meant so much to me and who left my life without a word--who let our relationship just vanish, but i do not regret it...at least, not anymore...I really don't know what else to tell you kathleen, i wish i did..i'm sorry. I think this is perhaps one of many things that we should talk about in person, no? Oh, and it's steve if you can't tell, lol well hey, it's late and I'm exhausted with an 8am class tomorrow--chem 1401...sigh...goodnight and sweet i can't wait to se you tomorrow :) dreams
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