Walls....

So I've discovered something about myself. Sometimes I become absolutely paralyzed by the idea of having to trust someone. My only thought becomes, "run away! Now, before you get hurt!" Sigh, its funny/sad because I have to stop myself from becoming crazy with fear of hurt. You think I'm being dramatic.... I've realized this now that I'm in college and basically REQUIRED to meet new people. The questions run through my head and straight to my heart, "Can I trust this person? Will they get to know me and then leave? What if I make them mad?! What if...What if...What if?!" The what ifs in life can become a persons greatest wall around their heart. I have taught myself to fear....fear abandonment, fear rejection, fear the fact that someone might actually care for me. To some this will strike home, to others it will just sound dumb and to still others it will sound pitifully sad. Yet, don't we all have some sort of wall around the most precious parts of ourselves? The parts that we fear utter rejection for? I've found myself doubting everyone's care for my life. Do people really care? I'm not writing this in a state of self pity or anything like that...so please don't comment out of pity. I've just discovered something about myself that could help other people... Then I realized- how little I must think of those people who have stuck around even when they didn't have to?! There are people in my life who HAVE stuck around despite my retardedness, my selfishness, my self pity, and on and on. Yet, ah isn't there always a yet? My heart still questions those people who are new....the people who haven't been around for 13 or 14 years. The people who are just getting to know me. Can I trust them? Can I trust myself enough....believe in myself enough...to accept the fact that there are people...new people...exciting people...that want to get to know me? And...here's the kicker....stick around? I guess I'm going to have to trust God that EVERYTHING he created is good and pleasing...including me. Sigh, its going to be hard. The spirit is willing but the flesh...and heart...is weak. But I'll try. Good night, dear world.