Wow.....

So all this drama going on in my life and come to find out it wasn't even necessary. I'm such an idiot. But right now I'm ok with that. I'm glad this time that I was wrong. I feel really bad though because ONCE again I assumed things before checking on the facts. When will I EVER learn???? Sheesh. So to the one I ignored....I'm sorry. I'm pretty sure if you read this you'll know what I'm talking about. When will we learn? Sigh. It's not fair. I've butchered this relationship enough as it is. I'm so so sorry. And I'll keep saying it until everything is fixed. I really hope you read this. I don't want my stupidity and her's to ruin everything. Because it might if you don't read this. Sigh. I'm so tired of causing problems for people. So it is no longer going to happen anymore. :) I promise.

The girl's heart races as he walks by...
He slowly strides toward her
His smile lights up her world
But his eyes...the eyes that are windows to his soul...
Don't look her way...

He walks past her...

Smiling....

But not at her.....

Instead at the girl on the other side.

A sound comes from somewhere in the room...
A loud cracking noise
She looks around startled....
No one else seem concerned with the noise....
She realizes that its her heart....
Breaking....
She wonders at the pain...
Swimming in it.
Letting it envelop her,
Surrounding her,
Filling her,
Become her.
Now she walks around with a smile.
A smile that is hiding the shattered pieces of her heart.
And a life that wonders why.
Hiding the truth because in the end that's always easier than living.

When it all comes down to it.....

I wonder if I'm just trying to find a way to get out of it all. I just want somebody to save me....to stop me.....but no one will. We're all caught up in our own lives...not caring about each other.... I'm just as guilty of it as others but I don't know what to do anymore. I feel as if I can't take care of myself and others. So I've just become consumed in my own problems not trying to reach out to anyone else. It seems easier that way.......No it doesn't seem...it is easier. Wrong? yes....easier? yes..... I'm just tired of doing this. I want to be free but I'm scared of God. He created me and I'm all screwed up. I hurt people. I'm spiteful. I'm mean, rude, and selfish. I live in a world of self pity and an intense desire for attention. (Evidence of the latter quite obvious right now...sigh) I want to be free but I don't think I ever will. Shrug. I'm kinda just locked in this cell of black walls with little to no light coming in. Whatever. That's the way this cookie is crumbling. I'm just gonna have to accept it and move on. Welp, hope ya'll have a wonderful day! :)

Full....

Of thoughts. I don't even know what's going on. I want so much but I'm scared of the very things I want. Sigh. It's sad because my life is not my own...but I want it to be. I'm tired of living my life in relation to this world...and not getting anything for it. Why do I have to care about anything? I keep seeing myself dancing free under the stars....arms thrown out....just twirling.....as someone sits there watching my silliness but loving it all the same....haha....Its a silly dream. I know. But I want it so badly. There's a song by Blue October with a line in it that says "I only want you to see my farorite part of me....and not my ugly side." How pathetically true. I've noticed when I show my "ugly" side people can't accept it....So I've learned to not show it. Build walls around your heart.....and build them wider and thicker around the parts that you know people won't like. Hide them....the world has taught us so well. And even Christians fail in that area. We don't accept people as they are anymore than the world accepts us or each other. How sad. How horribly wrong. I'm including myself in this. I've noticed how often I've been talking to people about other girls and I say I don't like them....I don't know why I don't...I don't even know them...I just don't like them. And I'm appaled by my arrogance. I need to get over it and not judge them before I even know them. :S Sigh......Well that's just a look into the psycho mind of Kathleen.....haha....hope you enjoyed it!

Waking from the nightmare.....

To search for my dreams. I don't know when I'll find them....if I ever will....but I'm going to spend my life looking for them. The dream might still be possible....it just might take time. I don't know. I'm scared to believe it.....scared that in the end I'll get hurt again. But you know what......I'm worth it. I am worth fighting for. And if someone can't fight for me then they aren't worth giving my heart to. I'm not saying this to anyone in particular.....I'm just stating a fact....a promise to myself. I want so badly to have someone in my life right now but I'm starting to see the folly in that. Would I rather have someone now but a broken heart later? Or feel a little lonely now but no broken heart? I think I'm gonna choose the latter. There is just something about feeling worthy of being waited for and of waiting for that special someone who will love you no matter how retarded you act or how loud you get or how difficult you make things...I can't wait for him but I must. ;) Because he's worth it. Just as I am. That's right, people....I'm WORTH it! yay..me!

Does it matter?

I don't think it does......not to him at least. The boy is hiding behind the facade of a man. I've seen the truth. I've been hurt by the truth.....but no one else can see it. No one else cares. All they see is the man....but in the end he doesn't matter.....because I just know that I'm dying inside and I can't tell anyone. I'm locked in a room where nothing can get out....my voice just echoes....never leaving the four walls of my heart. No one can hear but I don't tell the truth of how I really feel anyway because I'm too scared to. I'm a coward. In all things. Life and love. I'm in a downward spiral and no one is reaching out to stop me. My biggest fear is becoming reality....all thanks to a darling little boy....haha.....my heart has been broken by a boy....someone who thought they could play fairytale with a little princess. I'm the fool though. I should have known better than to play a life game with a boy. In the end its not his fault. I'm the fool. The poor pathetic fool. So I'm sorry, darling little boy......I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry my fairytale wasn't enough for you. I'm sorry I was fool enough to wrap myself in the cocoon of your arms...and believe I would be something. There is no princess, there is no butterfly, there is only me. Poor broken me and who would want that?

Night has fallen.....

It's as if I'm the mythological titan Prometheus but instead of my liver being eater and then restored its my heart being constantly broken...again and again. I wish I was stronger....wiser.....better..... I wish I was good enough. I was doing pretty good until this week. I don't know what happened but something in me has snapped. I need my dad but I'm scared to call him. I just want someone to tell me why God has created me or allowed me to become the way I am. Why God has abandoned me......left me to the devices of people who could care less. The very people I thought I could trust have turned out to be my enemies. I don't understand. I hate it. Why is it that very people that I am called to love as brothers and sisters in Christ turn around and reject me? The very people who are called to love the brethern have rejected me...their sister in Christ..... Which leads me to the question.....why I am I, even as a Christian, not enough for people....even other Christians? Why?! I hate this. This is not how its supposed to be. I know that...there is no doubt in my mind and no one can tell me otherwise. Sigh. Anyone who reads this....and cares.....please pray for me. I can't talk to you in person....its too hard.....but please please pray for me. I'm being fought for by two spiritual forces.....I'm so very very scared that I'm going to screw everything up....or that I already have. Sigh........Well Good night sweet world.........may God bless you...... and answer the questions that are banging on the door of your heart.......

Isolation seems to be the best....

Some people have a fear heights. Others have a fear of flying. And still others have a fear of water. I have a fear of caring. Everytime I do I get hurt. Soooo....isolation seems the best.......

Wishing I could leave now............

Its really weird because the past couple of weeks I have so close to God. Yet I just realized something. I'm not eating healthy. You would think with this new found strength in Christ I would find the desire to eat right and lose weight but I don't. In fact my thought is forget it. I could really care less about my body. I just want to stop caring about everything and dissapear....to a place where I don't have to worry about screwing up. I'm tired of writing my life through songs and books. Sometimes the hurt from my present situation comes on me....hitting me like a brick wall....ripping my heart apart again. I see the cause of it and I hurt.....I see my past three months and I hurt. I just wish...... since nothing is going to change......that I never got to know him. God I don't understand.......I'm so hurt and angry. I know that You love me. Ok....I've got that. I'm just so mad and hurt. I'm mad that because of our stupidity I lost a great friend. I'm hurt that it doesn't seem to bother him. He has friends. He has people to depend on. I don't. The people I thought I could depend on I've found I can't. I'm being forced to build friendships on shaky ground....on ground that is going to give away anytime now......and I'm going to be left alone. I'm torn between the strength of Christ and the hurt of the present times. God please help me to understand. Please please PLEASE! If nothing else can come from him then please help me to see and accept it.....Where does the past go once its gone? Jesus I need You to know that sometimes I find it hard to walk toward the light. I can't do this life thing on my own. Help me to forget.....wash my memory clean.....if that's possible.....please let it be possible. Give me strength to forgive.

Starry nights and cool breezes.....

The world is so beautiful. Only God could have created something so wonderful.

A window of the heart.....

A girl sits beside a window. Listening but hearing nothing and everything. Soft strains of music surround her....floating, dancing, twirling around her.....enticing her...calling her to come. She looks out but sees nothing. Only the truth of who she is and what she has become. Her heart cries out to the music....to take her....fly with her......dance with her.....She wants to be free. She wants to lose herself in the magic of the moment. To twirl beneath the stars. To sit beside the river and listen to its pulse. To be free as the music. To go wherever she dare. To be whom ever she dreams. To run.... To dare the winds...to challenge the storms. To live....wild and free. A girl sits beside a window......listening.....no sound she makes.....but for the beating of her heart.

Broken Statue......

Who am I that you should love me? Who am I that you should die for me? Who am I that you should care for me? My heart longs, no, cries out to you, Father, that as you look down on me that you show me your way, your wisdom. Oh Father let not my pain be in vain. Let me mother, teach, love, strengthen your children. Show me your way oh God. You have given me a heart to heal...not the physical but emotional, the heart's hurts. You have called me to be a mother to the motherless, to be your hands, your mouth, to show your heart and love to this lost world. You have called me out of Egypt, out of this world, into the light. Help me to be that light to this world. Break me Father as you did Saul. God these words cannot even begin to express my heart. Paper and pen are not enough. My heart longs to express the truth, the depth of emotion. Oh God send me. Use me. Mold me. Break me. Only in my brokenness will I be at my highest calling. You alone are God and for that I praise you. God the world has created a hard woman. Break me Father that I might serve you better. Break me so that I see my need only for you. Break me that I might be strong only in you. Break me that I might be my truest self. Break me that my heart may know love. Break me that my heart may love. Break me that my heart might know healing. Break me that I might know you. Lord, the definition of who I am.....I give it to you. Who I am as defined by myself, other and this world. It is not I who lives but Christ who lives in me. God I ask that who I am as defined by you be released inme today. Loose it. Pour it out. Reveal it. Unleash it. I bind my old self. The old man has passed away, behold, all things have become new. The Phoenix is rising. "For the greatest adventure you will ever know is not discovering Paris but discovering yourself." "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways, For as far as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts...So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it." "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; He will purify the sons of Levi, And purge them as gold and silver, That they may offer the Lord an offering in righteousness." "The sacrifices of the God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite spirit." God has given and will give all that I need and for now I am content to sit and be held in the arms of the One who loves me most. I am His daughter and He is well pleased. Yet, I cry to be broken and the pieces of who I am to be held in the hands of the Father. For that is when I am my truest self. That is when I am safest. When I'm broken.

I Know What I Know.......and for now that is enough.....

Today I went to church. It was amazing. To say the least. I don't know...there's just something about going to church and praising God. Then listening to truth being presented to you. It's....refreshing....to say the least. Then on the way home MercyMe's new song God With Us came on and all I wanted to do was lift my hands and praise Him. "All that is within me cries for you alone be glorified.....Emmanuel....God with us. My heart sings a brand new song...the debt is paid...these chains are gone...Emmanuel...God with us." God is amazing. He has blessed me above and beyond anything I deserve. You know so many people talk about how they "deserve" things. If God gave us what we truly deserved it would be to send us all straight to the abyss. But because He loves us He gives not what we deserve but what we don't deserve. The past couple of weeks God has spoken to me on so many different levels. I can't even begin to explain it. Truly I can't. Except my life is God's. Completely. No one will enter into this life without God's ok first. I don't know how to explain it except that my heart is filled with gratitude that cannot be expressed in words. I love God. I want to live my life for Him. The thought thrills and scares me all at the same time. I don't really know what how to express how great God is. I just know what I now know and for now that is enough.