Wishing I could leave now............

Its really weird because the past couple of weeks I have so close to God. Yet I just realized something. I'm not eating healthy. You would think with this new found strength in Christ I would find the desire to eat right and lose weight but I don't. In fact my thought is forget it. I could really care less about my body. I just want to stop caring about everything and dissapear....to a place where I don't have to worry about screwing up. I'm tired of writing my life through songs and books. Sometimes the hurt from my present situation comes on me....hitting me like a brick wall....ripping my heart apart again. I see the cause of it and I hurt.....I see my past three months and I hurt. I just wish...... since nothing is going to change......that I never got to know him. God I don't understand.......I'm so hurt and angry. I know that You love me. Ok....I've got that. I'm just so mad and hurt. I'm mad that because of our stupidity I lost a great friend. I'm hurt that it doesn't seem to bother him. He has friends. He has people to depend on. I don't. The people I thought I could depend on I've found I can't. I'm being forced to build friendships on shaky ground....on ground that is going to give away anytime now......and I'm going to be left alone. I'm torn between the strength of Christ and the hurt of the present times. God please help me to understand. Please please PLEASE! If nothing else can come from him then please help me to see and accept it.....Where does the past go once its gone? Jesus I need You to know that sometimes I find it hard to walk toward the light. I can't do this life thing on my own. Help me to forget.....wash my memory clean.....if that's possible.....please let it be possible. Give me strength to forgive.