i have found what you are like

i have found what you are like


the rain,

(Who feathers frightened fields
with the superior dust-of-sleep. wields

easily the pale club of the wind
and swirled justly souls of flower strike

the air in utterable coolness
deeds of green thrilling light
with thinned
newfragile yellows

lurch and.press
     -in the woods
               which
              stutter
               and
               sing

And the coolness of your smile is
stirring of birds between my arms; but
i should rather than anything

have(almost when hugeness will shut quietly) almost,
your kiss

A Typical Fashion

So as I seem to usually do at the end of each semester I am writing a post. Not quite sure what I'm wanting to write, just wanting to once again, put some of my thoughts out into the infinite void and see what comes of them. I just finished up my last fall semester and I'm trying to get my thoughts around the fact that I'm graduating next semester with a degree in Communication Studies. I keep making mental lists of everything I need to do in order to get ready for this hugely momentous change and since I know that my mind has a tendency to forget simple things like that I'm wanting to write them out. But not just on a random sheet of paper.
1. Pray about what God wants me to do
2. Write a resume
3. Compile and burn all my photos to CDs
4. Revamp my computer by deleting unecessary info
5. Help my dad with geneology info
6. Start looking into apartments
7. Budget, budget, budget
8. Did I mention a budget?
9. Job hunt
10. Practice piano

It's probably silly but I need goals for this break. I need something to keep my mind and body active to keep it from focusing on what I'm missing. I know that this is going to be one amazing Christmas break though and I'm expecting some changes to happen during it!

i carry your heart with me by e.e cummings

i carry your heart with me

(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it

(anywhere i go you go, my dear;

and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate

(for you are my fate,my sweet)

i want no world

(for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart

(i carry it in my heart)

Something's Gotta Change

(Wrote this a while ago...)

My fingers ache to write every thought that is flooding my mind but as we all know there is no real value in that. "Verbal vomit" is what I like to call it. Yet, I just wish there was some way to express the main ideas of my thoughts. I've been re-reading Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot, less about the passion and more about the purity. Let me define my terms as purity of the soul and not necessarily of the body. I feel that there has come a time in my own life in which purity of the soul is of intense importance. In fact it's as if that is where natural purity begins - when you gain Godly control over your mind, will and emotions then the body will follow.

Life has done a 180 and I'm now sitting alone under the tree along the road of my life. It stinks. I mean a relatively pretty girl who loves God and wants His best, alone. Who would have thought? Well, God, I suppose. I don't resent it nor am I bitter. Confused? A little. Hurt? Unfortunately but in it all I know God is there. Probably even a tad bit exasperated with me as I look at Him like a bewildered child trying to comprehend what He's doing.

I've found that most of humanity's main focus is a search to find their "soul mate." The term in and of itself indicates a sense of finality, of forever, of the one person who will complete them. There is a story by Plato in which he describes the idea of soulmates. He states that humans were originally made of four arms, four legs, and a single head with two faces. Zeus fearing their power split each of them in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for their other "half."

Sometimes this whole "soulmate" thing does feel like a curse; leaving me to question why can't I feel whole and complete within myself? Why are there periods of such loneliness that it feels like it might engulf me?
I have come to find that the search for a soulmate is one that has ultimately driven me to God, as it should. There's the quote- "A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her." I've never quite understood what that meant until now and even now the understanding is a little foggy but as I move closer to God there is this understanding that under His covering I am protected. Closer to Him my heart is protected and my mind, will and emotions are put more in check as I change my thinking to fit His.

Mrs. Elliot pointed out the manna from Heaven that the children of God ate in the wilderness was not something they especially cared for. Yet, it was the Heavenly food they needed. There are times when God gives us something we don't necessarily want but need. We would rather have it easy and tasteful, homemade bread with butter rather than some random thing that falls out of the sky, and yet by denying the tastes of the flesh we learn to appreciate the taste of Heaven. "Taste and see that the Lord is good."
Is it wrong to desire such "earthly" blessings? No. But- "All that is perfectly human and perfecly natural in us must first be offered. The body must be a living sacrifice; holy and acceptable to God. It does not become inhuman and unnatural by this offering, any more than the body God prepared for His Son Jesus, which was offered back to the Father, became inhuman and unnatural by His offering. It is still human; it is still natural. But it is holy. And acceptable."

Jim Elliot wrote in a letter to Elisabeth something that perfectly describes my fear- "What makes me tremble is that I might allow something else to take the place that my God should have."

Desires, love, hopes, dreams are all things that in and of themselves are good but when they come between God and myself they are only a hinderance. Ahh. It so hard! My heart cries out in exasperation from the pain and irritation of it. I trusted God. I believed Him. And now? Now I'm alone with so many doubts of what I thought I had heard that I don't even know what to believe about my future.

 It's so hard to put in words and I know I'm failing miserably so I'll stop. I just wish I could express it better. Perhaps one day I'll come to a full understanding of what God is trying to do. Perhaps not. Either way His will is going to be done. And I suppose that in the end, that's all that matters.

A Heart Like Granite

Established: 1. build on a firm or stable basis 2. to enact, appoint, or ordain for permanence

This last Sunday my daddy preached on an established heart. It's really stuck with me. An established heart has been something greatly lacking within my life. In James 1:6-8 it says, "But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do."  Doubt, the thing that once planted and ignored can grow like the sticker-burrs out in South Texas. What's worse if you don't completely remove them and protect the soil they'll come back eventually. My life has been filled with doubts and each one a seed that has been ignored for much of my 22 years. I suppose my experiences here in college just made it worse. I'm still a Christian and I believe most everything I've been taught since I was a little girl. Yet, the mistakes I've made have only further fueled the growth until the past couple of months I've wondered what I'm doing here in Kerrville, at Schreiner, just all around wondering. It's been frustrating and painful. Perhaps that's why the sermon has just stayed with me- it was the right thing at the right time...God knew I needed it. I need stability. I need constancy. I need an established heart and the only way I will develop it is through faith (and thus action) in the Word. I want to get to the point where I am completely convinced of God's will that nothing, and I mean nothing, will deter me from fulfilling it. No hurt, no silence, no time, no doubt, no lie, nothing. I want a heart like granite. Not in the hardened sense but in the sense that granite is well concrete. It's stable, unmovable, firm, unyielding to pressure. It doesn't give in. It's established.

A letter from war

A Wish
"I wonder as I watch the moon
Bump noses with a star
Are you watching too?
Or is it dark and rainy where you are,
And when I turn a radio dial
and hear some song that's new
I wonder if off where you are,
You might be listening too.
Do you day dream as I day-dream,
And miss me, too, my dear?
And when I'm wishing I were there,
Are you wishing you were here?
Your letters help a lot,
Each page is full of charm,
But, darling, they aren't quite enough,
For letters don't have arms."

The poem my grandpa sent my grandma while stationed in San Francisco getting ready to be shipped out during WWII.

Who I am?

Read this for nonverbal after taking a personality test. Found it interesting.

INFP: "Questor". These people are idealistic, self-sacrificing, and somewhat cool or reserved. They are very family and home oriented, but don't relax well. High capacity for caring. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 1% of the total population.

INFPs feel internal turmoil when they find themselves in situations in which there is conflict between their inner code of ethics and their relationships with others. They feel caught between pleasing others and maintaining their own integrity. Their natural tendency to identify with others, compounded with their self-sacrificial dispositions, tends to leave them confused as to who they really are. Their quiet personalities further feeds their feelings of depersonalization. The INFP's quest for self-identity then seems even more alluring — but increasingly impossible to attain.
As with all NFs, the INFP will feel lost and perplexed at stressful times. As stress builds, INFPs become disconnected from their own personality and perceived place in life. They will lose sight of who they are in relation to time and place. They may not make basic observations, while instead they will focus on the more abstract and symbolic meanings of a particular interaction. This can sometimes baffle those who expect more direct communication and a fairly concrete relationship.
Healers present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. But inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons, or about a favorite cause in the world at large. And their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community.

Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. They conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods. In fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. Set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity, Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism.

Also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. With parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. In truth, they are quite OK just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks.

At work, Healers are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. Because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. When making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. They have a natural interest in scholarly activities and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. They have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. Frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort.

"To Be Her Knight, You’ll Have To Bleed Like Any Other Fighter"

Somewhere along the way, Hollywood, and sometimes Church, has told us that Love is a simple affair. If this is “the One” then there will be no pain, no struggle, no differences, no complications, and once the dragons in your lives are slain, then you will live life enjoying endless appreciation (a wife that constantly showers you will respect and admiration and appreciation, never has PMS, never gets cranky, and is always in the mood, and cooks for you every night and all the rest). And girls get told the same thing, if this is “the One”, if this is True Love, he will learn how to dance, come to adore his mother-in-law, buy flowers every week, learn to play guitar, become a pastor and buy you a bigger house and newer car than any of your girlfriends have. He will not only be as spiritual as Billy Graham, but also be very successful in business and a hopeless romantic at home-and you’ll also have perfectly well behaved children that stay cute forever and never become teenagers. In effect, his armor will never get rusted and Cinderella will never scrub another floor or face another evil stepmother again. For the guys, in effect, she will always be ready to ride off into the sunset with you, never challenge you to polish your armor when its getting rusty, and to fight any other dragons for her.
This is not only false, but it is also damning. If we search history, hairytales, scriptures, and media, we will find only ONE person in the entirety of human history, and even human stories (films, novels, etc) that truly understood love. What did He say about love with His actions? Love is sacrifice. What did His followers say about loving a woman? Be willing to lay down your life. Sacrifice everything even though you could be made a fool in the end if she divorces you or doesn’t appreciate it, which makes a man very vulnerable. What did His followers say about a woman loving a man? Be willing to follow where He leads even if you think you know a better way (which is a huge sacrifice for a modern woman and makes her very vulnerable).

If we are to Love, if we are to fight off the MULTITUDE of dragons in each others lives CONSTANTLY (men have their monsters under the bed as well, and a little feminine tenderness and respect/appreciation is the nightlight needed to keep it at bay),then we must be willing to bleed like a Knight.

Ever notice how nobody ever gets wounded in the fairly tales? In real life, that doesn’t happen. Dragons have teeth, and claws, and breathe fire. When you decide to fight for someone held captive by anything (low-self esteem, impossible media expectations, childhood trauma, unsatisfying job, illness and injury, or just the disappointment and despair common to mankind) you WILL get burned, bitten, and clawed. There is no way around it. As men, we only fight the battles we are certain we will win, because nothing is worse than returning home both wounded AND defeated, double-shame. The problem is that there are few enemies left defeated so easily, a little battle is only a little victory, and with it, only a short-lived and uneasy peace. To face the demons in life, in a way that they’re not coming back, will require you to take a few blows-sometimes to your ego, sometimes to your career, sometimes to your finances, sometimes to your heart. Jars of Clay sang it true- ‘Love Breaks the Back of Foolish Pride”. If you fear getting your heart broken, fear losing everything in the battle, fear looking like a fool, then you will never be free to Love. Love and fear are opposites, you can’t serve both of these masters. Courage is not pretending or believing you’ll never be hurt, courage is accepting these things are necessary risk for something well worth the chance at being bitten, clawed and burned, where it hurts you in the most vulnerable and broken places- pride, respect, your old wounds, your capability, competency, your Heart. Or for a woman, she might have to risk her beauty and tenderness in being rejected. In order to keep the monsters under her man's bed at bay, to return him to her, she might have place the best medicine in her porcelain heart, and set it into a raging river, and hope that it makes it down the shore to where he is licking his wounds in order to bring him home. All the whole hoping her fragile heart isn’t once again dashed against the stone as it has been before.

The Heart is a good thing, in the past we have been told “it is wicked above all things”, but once you come to faith in Messiah, then you are given a new heart, one that guides you into the battles that you can win though they come at great price, one that gives you courage, one that can truly love. This new heart in you is capable of fighting, and the heart of someone you love, is worth fighting for, its worth risking new wounds being made and old ones being attacked. To be her Knight, you must sometimes bleed like one. Small battles are only small victories that bring a short lived and uneasy peace. If you want lasting peace, you’ve got to get up close and personal, right where the claws and teeth are ready to rip you to piece, and chop its head off.


Love and Live with Truth and Honor,
Article by Brian Newman

Even Till

I wait.
Dear Lord, Thy ways
Are past fnding out,
Thy love too high.
O hold me still
Beneath Thy shadow.
It is enough that Thou
Lift up the light
Of Thy countenance.
I wait-
Because I am commanded
So to do. My mind
Is filled with wonderings.
My soul asks "Why?"
ut then the quiet word,
"Wait thou only
Upon God."
And so, not even for the light
To show a step ahead,
But for Thee, dear Lord,
I wait.

-Elisabeth Elliot

"Sometime"

Sometime, when all life's lessons have learned,
And sun and stars forevermore have set,
The things which our weak judgments here have spurned,
The things o'er which we grieved with lashes wet,
Will flash before us out of life's dark night,
As stars shine most in deeper tints of blue;
And we shall see how all God's plans are right,
And how what seemed reproof was love most true.
Then be content poor hear;
God's plans, like lilies pure and white, unfold;
we must not tear the close-shut leaves apart,
Time will reveal the chalices of gold.
And if, through patient toil, we reach the land
Where tired feet,with sandals loosed, may rest,
When we sall clearly see and understand,
I think that we will say, "God knew the best!"

-May Riley Smith-

Silence isn't always a bad thing.

     So yesterday during my class at church I was looking over Genesis 2 and 3. I noticed something rather intriguing. Someone somewhere has probably noticed this before but I've never heard it myself. You see in Genesis 2 God makes man, Adam and He takes him, puts him in the garden to tend and keep it. Then God command Adam, "Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die." I can picture Adam all wide eyed and bleary, having just been created will do that to you. He nods, understanding but obviously not quite hiding the words in his heart since we all know how the story ends. Anywho, the very next thing God says is that man shouldn't be alone so He makes all the creatures but none of them would do for our first man. He's a star, a hero of sorts, the leading man and well, God knows our leading man needs a leading woman, a heroine, a damsel to save...that sort of thing. So God knocks Adam out, takes a rib and forms it into our wonderful mother of all humanity, Eve. Adam wakes up, sees this beautiful woman, claims her, calls her "woman." So we're all feeling good right now. I'm thinking sweet. God created these two great people. They have awesome communion with Him, they know His voice clearly, they experience Him in the most purest way possible. The thing I noticed was that Moses never speaks of God telling Eve to not eat of the tree. He tells Adam rather straight forwardly but He is shown to have told the same thing to Eve.
    Perhaps this wouldn't be a big deal until you re-read chapter 3 with this realization. Verse one starts out, "Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field...and he said to the woman, "has God indeed said..." First of all, the Word states Satan was cunning. He knew exactly who he needed to attack first to create the downfall of humanity. He knew the weaknesses of Adam and Eve. He goes straight to Eve planting the small seed of doubt, "did God REALLY say that...?" I can just see Eve's thought process. "Well, I'm not really sure. God didn't actually ever tell ME not to eat of the tree. Adam just said that's what He said but perhaps my husband got it all wrong...." Yet, holding on to the fact that Adam said God has said it she tells the serpent what's what. "...God has said, 'You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.'" Good for her! She tried!
   Our evil villian says to our unsuspecting heroine, "You will not surely die! For God knows that in that day...you will be like God, knowing good and evil." Eve's face must have been one of such innocent surprise. "What?! God is keeping something from me? Why would He do such a thing? Oh Adam must have misunderstood Him! Besides my dear is standing right beside me and not speaking up....hmmm maybe this slithery guy's got something..?" She takes the fruit, eats it, hands it to her silent hubby and he, in his absolute betrayal to not only his wife but also his God, takes a bite.
   (Now as a qualifying statement, in no way am I saying this what Adam and Eve thought. It's just a revelation that God hit me over the head with mixed with some of my imagination.)
   Ok. So stay with me. How many times have men been told things by God that their wives, mothers, and sisters were not privy to? How many times did God tell Moses, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph, just to name a few, things that He is not recorded to have said to the women in their lives? Yet, here's the thing that blows me away....these women followed them! Now, here's where I come in and perhaps you. If your husband, father, or male spiritual leader told you to do something because that is what God told him to do and thus you must follow...will you obey even if God never directly spoke to you about it? Will you, as Sarai did, pack up everything you had to leave the only thing you ever knew? Would you, as Martha had to learn, respect the male authority in your life enough to keep your mouth shut even if you don't agree with his decisions? Or what about Mary? She had to pick up and move several times with Joseph but God only spoke to him through his dreams.
  Talk about one tough challenge. Can I, as a rather independent woman, follow, obey, and trust the male leaders God has placed in my life without questioning their wisdom and their ability to hear God? Can I keep my doubts at bay just because God didn't deem it necessary to reveal it all to darling little me?? Heavy stuff for us women. In this day women are taught to do it all on their own but I wonder if God really wants it that way? If so then why does God tell us to submit to our husbands? Why do all these women in the Bible obey without rebellion? I'm sure they had a few questions. I'm sure they had to pray through many times but in the end they obeyed. They didn't allow Satan to plant a seed of doubt just because they hadn't heard God directly. They didn't as, Lot's wife, turn back in rebellion to, not only her husband, but God, holding on to the home that would be destroyed.
  I just don't want to be like Eve or Lot's wife. I want to be like Sarah (well to an extent,) Rahab, Ruth, Esther, and Mary. Women who trusted God in their men so much they were willing to do whatever was necesary to support them.
  I realize that the men have to prove themselves...but again to an extent. It sure helps but what about when they aren't exactly on top of everything? Does that discount their God ordained leadership? Do mistakes on their part make it okay for us to listen to the rebellious whisper of Satan and to rebel against God? I don't think so.
  It's just a thought, a rather long one but a sincere one.

Excellence is a lot closer than I thought.

These seem to be good tips for anything from studying to practicing piano. Both of which are things I need to become better at!

"Here, then, are the six keys to achieving excellence we've found are most effective for our clients:

1. Pursue what you love. Passion is an incredible motivator. It fuels focus, resilience, and perseverance.

2. Do the hardest work first. We all move instinctively toward pleasure and away from pain. Most great performers, Ericsson and others have found, delay gratification and take on the difficult work of practice in the mornings, before they do anything else. That's when most of us have the most energy and the fewest distractions.

3. Practice intensely, without interruption for short periods of no longer than 90 minutes and then take a break. Ninety minutes appears to be the maximum amount of time that we can bring the highest level of focus to any given activity. The evidence is equally strong that great performers practice no more than 4 ½ hours a day.

4. Seek expert feedback, in intermittent doses. The simpler and more precise the feedback, the more equipped you are to make adjustments. Too much feedback, too continuously, however, can create cognitive overload, increase anxiety, and interfere with learning.

5. Take regular renewal breaks. Relaxing after intense effort not only provides an opportunity to rejuvenate, but also to metabolize and embed learning. It's also during rest that the right hemisphere becomes more dominant, which can lead to creative breakthroughs.

6. Ritualize practice. Will and discipline are wildly overrated. As the researcher Roy Baumeister has found, none of us have very much of it. The best way to insure you'll take on difficult tasks is to ritualize them — build specific, inviolable times at which you do them, so that over time you do them without having to squander energy thinking about them."

The Conversation
Blogs
The Conversation: Six Keys to Being Excellent at Anything
2:21 PM Tuesday August 24, 2010
by Tony Schwartz

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

A loving woman finds heaven or hell...

"Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing

Ever made by the Hand above?

A woman's heart, and a woman's life-

And a woman's wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing

As a child might ask for a toy?

Demanding what others have died to win,

With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,

Manlike, you have questioned me.

Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul

Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,

Your socks and your shirt be whole;

I require your heart be true as God's stars

And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,

I require a far greater thing;

A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts-

I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,

And a man that His Maker, God,

Shall look upon as He on the first

And say: "It is very good."

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade

From this soft young cheek one day;

Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves,

As you did 'mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,

I may launch my all on its tide?

A loving woman finds heaven or hell

On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,

All things that a man should be;

If you this all, I would stake my life

To be all you demand of me.

If  you cannot be this, a laundress and cook

You can hire and little to pay;

But a woman's heart and a woman's life

Are not to be won that way."

A thought worth considering...

An interesting thing to read. :)

From a leaflet "Rules for Keeping Company" (1962)

"1. Close association and friendship, or what is known as company-keeping (dating), between a man and a woman who cannot get married, or who do not intend to ever get married, or who should not think of marriage for some years to come, is always seriously wrong. Therefore: ...2) if one does not intend to get married, one has no right to keep another person from other opportunities to contract marriage, and no right to run the risks of company-keeping...
2. Company-keeping does not entitle man and woman to the right of long, private, unguarded interviews with one another, nor to any of the familiarities that usually arise from lonely trysts. Company-keeping is safe only when it is kept for the most part out in the open, i.e., in such a manner that others may or could observe it at all times and see nothing wrong.
3. Company-keeping must not be too prolonged. It does not require several years for a man and woman to ascertain whether they are suited to one another for marriage. If it is possible, it is, after a reasonable time (six months to a year), obligatory on the man to speak of getting married before long. If there be obstacles to marriage within that time, they must doo all the more to keep out of occasions of sin (such as lonely meetings) if they are to be allowed to continue going together."

Until One Is Committed

Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one that would not otherwise have occured. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man would have dreamed would come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets: "Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it! Boldness has genius, magic, and power in it."

W.H. Murray

from The Scottish Himalayan Expedition
and Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I'll Always Love You

In a world that is falling apart, I have found my hope

Cause the power that brightens the stars, brought to life my soul

Now im calling from roof tops, shouting from mountain peeks

You're everything to me

Forever I'll tell you

Yeah I'll scream until it hurts

That I can't live without you

You are Heaven I am Earth

And even from the moment that you saved my life

That I'll always love you

Hallelujah the battle is won let the church bells ring

Hallelujah salvation has come and it came for me

What was lost now is found, yeah the heart that was bound is free

Your grace amazes me

Forever I'll tell you

Yeah I'll scream until it hurts

That I can't live without you

You are Heaven I am Earth

And even from the moment that you saved my life

That I'll always love you

By: Phil Wickham

People Are Often Unreasonable

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may just never be enough;
Give the world the best you have anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it's all between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway."

From Do It Anyway: The Handbook for Finding Personal Meaning and Deep Happiness in a Crazy World.

Letters to a Poet

"I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

Patrick Overton - When We Walk to the Edge

When we walk to the edge

of all the light we have

and take the step into the

darkness of the unknown,

we must believe that

one of two things will happen....

There will be something

solid for us to stand on

or we will be taught to fly.

Half Our Lives

Oh I want every second of the minutes in the hours of these days

Cause there's too many trees to climb
And secret spots to find down by the lake
Oh the fireflies are out and momma's calling now
We can't go to sleep cause we'll wake up older
We can't let these nights steal away half our lives

And we will spend our days finding helpless competition to defeat
Yeah we'll chase away the girls and pretend that we don't want 'em on our street
Yeah the sun is running too
Being chased off by the moon

And we should go to bed but we'll catch fireflies instead
We can't go to sleep cause we'll wake up older
We can't let these nights steal away

And I don't want these days to ever be over
We can't let these nights just steal away

Oh just stay awake with me
Won't you stay awake with me
Oh stay awake with me

We can't go to sleep cause we'll wake up older
We can't let these nights steal away
And I don't want these days to ever be over
We can't let these nights steal away half our lives

To the Man in the Arena

"It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly...who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at best, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

Nightlights at night

Life has been interesting lately. Of course, when isn't it? Yet this has been a different interesting...more of a slowly settling of revelation instead of a wave of knowledge. There is a difference. I wake and feel as if I'm no longer whole. Is it due to the burning of my flesh on the altar of God? Perhaps it is the natural state of things. Like a little kid who lost their favorite blanket. It's not that the changes are over taking me. I just wish I knew. Knew where I was going and how God aims to get me there. I've realized that the next year and a half is going to be a huge testing period for my character, for my faith, for my ability to let go of my reasoning mind and allow God's senseless love to lead me in all truth. The "what if's" plague my heart like needles trying to find a vein. Piercing the most tender areas. Silence has become the order for the day, my mouth too taut to allow much of anything to come out. Stress slowly mounting as bad dreams haunt my nights and fears seem to become my shadow following my every move. I feel as if God is staring at me trying to get me to understand something but I'm missing it. I feel as if I have no ability to discern for myself. As if I need my mom or dad to hold my hand and tell me exactly where I should go, what I should be. As if I can't trust my own spirit to guide me. Sigh. I just feel as if I'm in this waiting room wondering if there was something I could have done to keep me from this place and wondering why I'm not being told anything. Blegh.
So enough about what I feel about the situation. Now onto what I need to do about it in no particular order-1. Remain where I am (figuratively) until I have a sure knowing that I should go forward. I need to refrain from wandering aimlessly around the fields and roads trying to figure out the best path. The key when lost is remaining where you are until help comes or you're positive of the direction you should go. 2. Pray. My knees should ache from prayer, both literally and figuratively. How else can God communicate with me unless I'm tuned in. 3. Act. Do things. I can't just sit around waiting for God to yell His will at me. Perhaps the best way to figure out where I'm going is to act. Not just live with a beating heart and breath and enjoying life but of giving time, energy, love and honor to those around me. 4. The Word. Ahhh possibly the crux of my problem. The one thing I have struggled with my entire life. Not a lack of belief but a lack of discipline. I won't even go into it other than saying I'm going to change that. My personal faith should be of most importance to me. Since I seem to be only capable of trusting everyone's faith but my own.

Only the prologue...

“If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this.” -C.S. Lewis

I was reading quotes by Mr. Lewis this morning and came across this one. It struck me because it is actually what I've been reading about in a book. I've always heard the saying that some people are so heavenly minded they are of no earthly use. I think I might have gone to the other extreme in my pusuits to be of earthly use. I find it hard to imagine myself a heaven. To realize there is more after this life. To remember that this life is only a prologue to the true book of life. I get so caught up in the here and now that I forget that my here and now effects my ever after. So many times in the Bible, more often than not in the New Testament, there is a drive to not focus on the consequences here but in Heaven. Yet, in this day, in this hour, I find it so hard to focus. To focus on my reward in Heaven. It seems so far away but then I realize, in this flash of brilliance that it really isn't that far away. When you stop to count up how many days you have left...they are not many. Perhaps that seems like a slightly gory and depressing thought for many but I have realized that it is actually a reality check for a Christian such as myself. So in my quest to discover myself and to live my life according to God's reality and not my own I am striving to remember that everything I do will effect my Heaven. This life is only the prologue and Heaven is the real story. Yet, I want my prologue to be a wonderful leading story!

It's all new

So today I was walking back to my room thinking about my previous posts when it hit me that I need to change how I view the next year of my life. I have been feeling this intense pressure to figure it all out. To be able to look at people and tell them exactly what I want in my life. And I can...to an extent. Yet, I've realized I need to change what I say. I tell people I don't know what I want to do with my life. I kinda whine about it honestly. Yet, I'm done with that business. From now on it's claiming that God is directing me into the place He has for me. Because He is! I'm sure this thing is going to evolve into something more eloquent but for now I'm done with speaking a lack of knowledge. Proverb 23: 7 says, "for as he thinks in his heart, so is he." I'm not quite sure how to explain this. I just am discovering more and more of what I want out of life and through this revelation there is developing a strength to stand for myself through God's plan. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. One step at a time, building my faith. In the building of confidence in one thing builds confidence in another. So here's the gist- God is directing into the place He has for me. It's going to be wonderful!

Free falling

So I've decided- trying to figure this thing called life out is like man learning to fly. For so many years they would put on wings and run off building trying to get some kind of lift. Obviously they would come crashing down as they realized the law of gravity is much stronger than their will. Slowly they started to realize that they can't do it on their own. They needed something other than their own efforts to make it. So they start looking at engines and wings and triangles and cloth. They begin to look outside their own physical power in order to overcome the law of gravity.
It's kinda how things are in the spiritual. We're born into a sinful world and many of us spend our time putting on wings and running off building trying to overcome the law of sin. Yet, no matter how many times we try, we go crashing down and for many of us, in our own human persistance, we get back up determined to figure this thing out. Like small children we shove anyone trying to help away. Then in a moment of brilliance we realize there is a better way. We stop strapping on those wings, running off buildings, and shoving people away. We start looking towards engines and wings and gasoline and aerodynamics. It's a little rocky at first. It takes a lot of patience and misunderstandings and frustration but then we get it. We discover the airplane. We discover God. We reach the point where we find the ability to fly above the sin but it is not within our own selves. It is within the airplane of God. It sounds rather silly probably but I know how true this is. It's easy to tell people that they should just turn straight to God and not bother with running off buildings but I'm not sure if that will ever work. We all have to come to the end of ourselves before we look toward a better way. And more often than not it is by free falling we discover just how unable we are.

Emptied Space

It's been a while since I've written anything on here. It's hard to focus on feelings, personal thoughts and things when all you do is sit in front of a computer. So I'm forcing myself to do this. Things here have been quite active. I'm not sure where the past couple of months have gone. Sometimes I feel like it has just disappeared and was never here. Then I think of memories. . I'm finished with my year as a junior. 2 more semesters and I graduate. The thought blows me away. I look around and see how everyone around me knows what he or she is doing when they leave here. Then I look at myself. Little ol' me. Do I know what I'm doing? Nope. Not one iota. I'm as a wave on the shore being tossed around or a leaf in the wind being blown every which way. I don't know God's will for my life. Ha. I don't know what I want to do with my life! Yet, the thought has been going around and around in my mind for the past couple of days. What if I do know? What if deep down in the most hidden parts of my heart, I know? What if I know but I'm too scared to live it out? Too scared to trust God to listen? You know I can say and, even, write all kinds of things about trusting God with His plan for your life but do I believe it? Do I believe my own words? I just...I don't even know. There's something in my heart that I want to write down. I want to express it but I just don't know if there are words for this kind of thing. A job, a dream, a place to go, a husband, a child, a life well lived, a future, a past, the present. I want things. I want them as a child wants her dream back after waking. You know you'll never have it but you still wish. Why? Because without hope we would all be dead. What if I miss God's best? What then? Because it is possible to mess it all up. No matter what anyone tells me. I mean, sure, you can hope that God turns it all around. Yet, what if He doesn't? I just don't understand. I just...I'm standing on shifting sand and I'm scared to death that I'm going to screw this all up. I want so badly to cover my ears to the answers to my questions because it's all hollow to me. It's as if I'm grasping onto straws to keep from going under the waves of it all. Sometimes it feels as if people tell me things not because they believe but because they know that's what they are supposed to say. I know there are times I do that. It's strange to think that my last summer of childish freedom is almost over. After this school year I will be a bonafide, hardcore, true blue grownup. I'll have a job and insurance and bills. Part of me wants to grab hold of time and stop it from ticking away. Another part wants to let it go, to allow it to disappear, to slowly tick it all away till things have gotten easier, even push it forward. Isn't that how we are? Torn between the now and the what if? How it must be for God, sitting up in His heaven, having to hear these prayers. I know it's silly yet, I also know it is human. Things haven't exactly shaped up like I thought they would and I'm surprised by my strength. My dad once told me that I'm stronger than I think and in this time I'm seeing just how right he is. I'm thankful for that. It's my dad's 60th birthday. He was 39 when they had me. It blows me away to think that life is here. Now. You can't tell it to wait till you've got it all figured out. You're figuring this beautiful mess out right now. And you've only got one shot. I don't really have a point. Just that time...time is my closest enemy. It gives and it takes. It moves and stops. It steals and lends. Just as that moment before fully waking and it's as if time stands still. Or that instant when walking in the rain and you can see the individual raindrops falling. Or when you look at the stars and realize the immensity of it and you feel as if time never ends. It just goes on and on and on into eternity.

In this moment....

You see all of the pieces
But I see a life I can mold
You see a bunch of blank pages
But I see potential untold

Before you give up
Before your heart breaks
Open your eyes
To this picture of grace and just

Slow down take a breath in this moment
Leave all the worries you're carrying
Be still in the midst of this madness
Let go of all that you fear
'Cause I've already set your heart free
So leave all the changing to me

You see the doubt and the questions
But I see the wrestling with faith
You see someone worth nothing
But I see someone I can save

Before you give up
Before your heart breaks
Open your eyes
To this picture of grace and just

Slow down take a breath in this moment
Leave all the worries you're carrying
Be still in the midst of this madness
Let go of all that you fear
'Cause I've already set your heart free
So leave all the changing to me

Life is a long road, so hard to follow
You feel like you'll never win
Just trust my love and let me take care of the rest
So you can begin

Slow down take a breath in this moment
Leave all the worries you're carrying
Be still in the midst of this madness
Let go of all that you fear
'Cause I've already set your heart free

Can you slow down?
I've already set your heart free
So leave all the changing to me
Can you slow down?

"Slow Down" by Chasen

"Get caught in the race of this crazy life..."

Well, I have entered my third week of camp and things have progressed rather smoothly. I've been working on the camp website, writing status updates for Facebook and the daily updates for the parents to read on the website; just to name a few of my numerous duties. My days are busy and I don't usually stop until 10:30 or 11. Today I needed to take care of some campers who weren't aware of certain rules. It was so cute to watch them as I walked toward them. They thought they were in trouble. I told them they needed to go to their cabin so after they got off the seesaw I walked them down to their cabin. One girl started to cry because she missed her mom but I started to talk to her about all the fun things that she gets to do here at camp. Then as we neared the Lodge I told them they needed to be very quiet so we wouldn't disturb anyone sleeping. They began to act silly, quietly of course, as we walked down to their cabin. Walking with the girls and taking care of them reminded me why I loved being a counselor. Goodness, why I love being here! Camp is a place where so much joy can be found. The girls can get away from a lot of the world and create a special place where they don't really have to act a certain way or pretend to be something they aren't. They can just be themselves. Sometimes I look around and I can't believe I'm here again. I wasn't sure if I would be able to come back and it's kind of a sureal thing for me. I guess that what happens when you let God take control. I don't know it's hard to put into words and yet, I want to, almost need to. Sigh. Let's just see what new stories I have soon! :)

Patience isn't a four letter word.

So I was reading a book the other day and it gave the definition of patience. I was blown away by the revelation that occured to me when I read it. You see many times people tell me that I just need to be patient and my whole life I've thought, "I AM patient! I'm not forcing something to happen. I'm waiting for it to." Yet, when you read the definition of patience you see it is not about the action of waiting per say so much as about the attitude-
1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.

I've come to realize I quite completely stink when it comes to patience. If I want something I want it, I want it to come to me quickly and I most definately don't want to be happy if I have to wait. Once again, I am the product of my generation. I am the product of my life experiences. I wish such wasn't the case but it is and so I must deal with the consequences. I must admit that I don't really know how to fix such a thing or perhaps I do I just don't want to. To gain patience means to be happy while waiting for something and it seems to me that once God realizes you're happy while waiting....why should He give you what your asking for? Granted that thought is completely based on human instinct. God gives us what we need exactly when we need it. Anyway, that's all for now. I don't have much else to say about much of anything else.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with the one step.

My entire life I have struggled with focusing on one particular change at a time. You see I'm one of those people that will start 4 projects and struggle to complete them all. I never really thought about this habit o'mine till tonight after church. Tonight the pastor spoke on platforms and how self-denial helps establish our God given platform even more. I have discovered I stink at self-denial. If I want it, I buy it. I feel it then I act on it. I have fed my flesh for the past 21 years of my life rather consistently. Oh sure there are things I have denied of myself such as drinking and drugs but those aren't the real struggles for me. As I've said before, there comes a time in your life when Satan stops tempting you with so many choices of good or bad and starts to tempt you with good and better, better and best. I have struggled with this. It's when it comes to the harder things that I usually choose the easier option- feed the flesh. Yet, I have become so completely disatisified with that way of living. It's too easy. There's no real story in it. There's no real victory in it. Who wants to read a fairy tale where there is no bad guy? There is no struggle? There is no triumph? If you're constantly feeding your flesh where is the struggle? Where is the triumph? The past couple of months I have slowly been pondering this thought but I have focused on so many other things that I haven't dealt with the real issue.



So I have decided to focus. James 1:8 says, "A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. " If I'm am divided amongst my issues I will never complete anything of importance. Perhaps this seems a little dramatic to you but I know me and I'm my own worst critic. In focusing on one thing, for example, work on self-denial, I will develop a stronger foundation for my life. I want to get my life all straight and figured out in one swoop of God's broom but that's not how He generally works. It's one step at a time. One block at a time. One stroke at a time. Just as He fouses on one issue, so should I. This self-denial thing is definately something He has been trying to teach me for the past couple of months.



Romans 12: 1 & 2 says, " I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." Every moment of my life I have to choose to present myself as a sacrifice on the high altar of God. I have developed the habit of just not climbing on that altar because I know I'll climb down eventually. Yet, as I have mentioned before I need to fight. I need to fight for my place in this world. For the person God made me to be. I may climb down every now and then but I need to start developing the habit of climbing right back on that altar. Then I need to let go of the world's point of view and develop within myself God's point of view. His ways are not ours and His thoughts are higher than ours. I do this by studying God's word. It is His word, written by Him for our benefit. By reading His word I discover the heart and mind of God. This will further help me to develop self-denial in myself. It is then that I will have a even more clear knowing of God's will in my life.



The first step though to this jorney of self-denial is, ironically enough, self-denial. I need to start in the small things. When I get angry and just want to cuss I need to shut my mouth. When all I want to do is lay down and sleep and not do my homework I need to stay up a little longer. When I get frustrated with someone instead of allowing that anger to lead to offenses I need to pray for them. When I want to buy a new dress that I don't really need I need to walk away. These probably sound like very simple things but they have been so hard for me to do. Yet, I need to remember that Luke 16:10 says, "he who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much..." If I can learn to deny myself little things then I can learn to deny myself of even greater things that God requires of me.



It's going to be interesting to see where God takes this but as always it'll be an adventure.

Spring Has Sprung

So today I was looking at classes for next semester. I am just blown away that I am going to be a senior next year. A senior in college. I have dreamed about this moment since I was 8. I remember when I would count how many years I had left till I was forever done with school. It's a terrifyingly exciting thought. School has defined my life and soon there will be other things that define it. There are moments like these when I look at my life and all I can see is the mess. Today I was walking back home after class thinking about my life and such things when I noticed that there was a sudden bloom of all these wild flowers in the past 24 hours. I smiled because I thought about how ugly campus looked just a few weeks ago. All brown and dead. Then in 24 hours up sprouts these beautiful little dandilions, buttercups, and pretty little purple flowers. That's how my life feels right now. For a little while I have been spiritually struggling with so many different things. Yet, with in the past couple of weeks, just as with spring, random little flowers pop up. I have discovered the truth of Isaiah 55: 8-13.

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow come down from heaven,

and do not return to it without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,

and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.

This will be for the LORD's renown, for an everlasting sign,

which will not be destroyed."

So often we hear God's word and there is no instant change. It's like the snow that sits up in the mountains. It falls but it's sitting till the right time to melt. When spring comes it melts and goes down the mountain to provide nurishment where ever it flows. Other times we hear God's word and it's like the rain. It gives instant change and nourishment. For me, I think the snow of God's word is melting and running down the mountains in my life to water the fertile soil in the valley of my heart. It's been hard and a struggle. Just as many winters are. Yet, spring is here and as I'm walking around the fields of my heart I am discovering the beauty that is deep within.

Oh I still struggle. I still wonder if I'm just a broken woman who will never be fulfilled in the many ways I would like. But how can I stay that way when all I see are the gorgeous flowers that are blooming all around me? There is so much hope in spring! I told someone the other day that God is developing me into a woman of character. I read this once- "Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them." I love that. My entire life I have asked the hard questions, I have fought for the truth, I have been loud and many times not backed down from a fight if I know I'm right. I'm not this sweet, quiet, docile woman who is completely submissive without any questions. I love fashion. I love thinking hard about things, why things go the way they do, why people do what they do. I'm difficult and I have struggled with that. Yet, right, wrong, or indifferent that's how I am and I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not. I am beautiful just the way I am. So I'm going to fight to right the wrongs, I'm going to keep asking the hard questions, I'm gonna laugh loud and long, and I'm not going to compromise my beliefs. These just a few of the flowers in my life that I have discovered. God is making my life into something beautiful and when He is done it's going to be fantastic thing to behold.

Promise stealing words.

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Takeing every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You

While I'm waiting I will worship

While I'm waiting I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it's not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve you while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

-John Waller-

There have been times in my life where I have prayed about things and felt like God was leading me in a direction. I went toward the path I thought He was directing me but as I took my steps I talked to people about it. I was so excited about working on God's will! I wanted to share it with everybody! Yet, the more I spoke the less I believed in what I was doing. The more I listened to the people around me the less I believed in myself. The less I believed in what I felt God had told me. A personal problem? Of course!

I've been thinking a lot about Abraham and how much I kinda feel like him. Granted he was a man and I am a woman. He was married, I am not. He is the father of the great nation of Israel and I am little me who doesn't have much to offer. Here's where I feel kinda like him. You see God told Abraham that he was going to be the father of many nations and Abraham believed God. They have this great conversation about how Abraham's children will be as the number of the stars. Then in Genesis 15:6 it says: "Abram believed the LORD, and he credited it to him as righteousness." There was no doubt in Abraham's mind. So the way I figure it is the guy goes home and tells his wife the great news! I mean here Sarai has been barren and now the God of the universe is declaring they're going to have a baby! Sweet! Well, in the very next chapter it all goes to pot.

Genesis 16:1, 2 "Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian maidservant named Hagar; so she said to Abram, "The LORD has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant; perhaps I can build a family through her." Abram agreed to what Sarai said."

Abraham is walking along, probably having some doubts every now and then but hey, it's cool. God said it was gonna happen so it will! Then Sarai pulls her little stunt. She goes to Abraham and talks him out of believing in God's truth. Granted that's his own problem. He should have fought for his promise. Yet, Sarai, his wife and friend, has this amazing ability to change his faith process. Even if it was for a second, a second is long enough to change the course of your life. She talked him out of his faith. Abraham does his thing with Hagar and Sarai resents him for listening to her. For not fighting for the promise that God had given them. Great guy huh? Great wife? Then comes God. Like a knight in shining armor He's gonna fix the mess they've made. Abraham listening to other people, Sarai talking about things she shouldn't be.

Genesis 17:1-4, 17, 19, 22

1"When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the LORD appeared to him and said, "I am God Almighty; walk before me and be blameless. I will confirm my covenant between me and you and will greatly increase your numbers."
Abram fell facedown, and God said to him, "As for me, this is my covenant with you: You will be the father of many nations." Abraham fell facedown; he laughed and said to himself, "Will a son be born to a man a hundred years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety?"Then God said, "Yes, but your wife Sarah will bear you a son, and you will call him Isaac. When he had finished speaking with Abraham, God went up from him."

So here God's reminding Abraham what He had promised but Abraham is still thinking about Sarai's words. I mean the guy had to be. He's laughing thinking how old they are. How God hasn't come through yet. But God looks at the old man and reiterates His promise once again- "Yes, but your wife Sarah will bear you a son." Then God leaves.

All this because one woman opened her mouth and expressed her doubts. Again I'm not saying that Abraham has no responsibility in this. He was told by God what was going to happen.

My point in all this- once God gives you a promise, fight for it, no matter how long it may take for it to come to pass. Fight like your life depends on it. When doubts come through people or facts don't let them steal your promise. It's your job to fight for it. No one else is going to fight. You may be wrong. You may have heard God wrong. He may have said "I'm going to give you a daughter and not a son" but you heard "you're getting a son". Yet, wouldn't you rather fight valiantly for a wrong thing with a sincere heart than wimp out just because you're scared? No one can keep you from God's destiny except yourself.

A Will Not Yet Lived

The LORD Appears to Elijah and the word of the LORD came to him: "What are you doing here, Elijah?" 10 He replied, "I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too."

11 The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

14 He replied, "I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too." 15 The LORD said to him, "Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus. When you get there, anoint Hazael king over Aram. 16 Also, anoint Jehu son of Nimshi king over Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed you as prophet. 17 Jehu will put to death any who escape the sword of Hazael, and Elisha will put to death any who escape the sword of Jehu. 18 Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and all whose mouths have not kissed him."



1 Kings 19: 9-18

This story has been on my mind the past couple of weeks. I have thought and prayed about it, not quite understanding why it's been so heavy on my heart. Tonight I think I might have discovered why. You see there is verse 11 where God tells Elijah to walk outside because the Lord is about to walk by. Yet, there are three situations before Elijah ACTUALLY walks outside. There are times when God reveals His will to us. He tells us to walk outside for the Lord is about to walk by. Yet, in our wisdom we need to wait for the right moment to actually walk out. We need to wait for the correct moment to fulfill the things God has told us. Elijah could have stepped out when the wind came but it wasn't when God walked by. He could have stepped out when the earthquake came but God wouldn't have been there and the same with the fire. Yet, there was that moment when Elijah KNEW God was walking by, he knew that it was time to walk out. We all have times in our lives when God has spoken things into our lives but we aren't free to walk His will out until He gives us that freedom. I have had many things prophesied over my life that are still being worked out in my life. God's will has been revealed to me about different things in my past that there will come a time when it will come to fruitition. God will "walk by." The thing is that in order to know when God is walking by we have to know Him and His presence. The Bible says that we are His sheep and we know His voice.

Still by Watermark

The more I get alone

The more I see I need to get alone more,

Cause just when I think that I'm alone

Your Spirit calls out to me

And even silence has a song

Cause that's when you come

Sing over me

Still, let me be still

Let me be OK

With the quiet in my heart

Still, I want to be still

I'm so quick to move

Instead of listening to you

Shut my mouth

Crush my pride

Give me the tears

Of a broken life,

Still

Oh this world, it falls around me

And flutters all it's beauty in my eyes

But let me choose the solitude

Simplicity has always simply changed my life

Cause even stillness makes me move

Cause that's when my heart

Learns to dance with you

Still, let me be still

Let me be OK

With the quiet in my heart

Still,

I want to be still

I'm so quick to move

Instead of listening to you

I'm your child

Tame my heart

Obedience

To me impart

Still

La la la la la, Hold me

La la la la la, Cleanse me

La la la la la, Change me,

Oh God Change me while I am

Still, let me be still

And know that you are God

And you are always enough

Still, I want to be still

To take all that I am

And simply lift it up

Shut my mouth

Crush my pride

Give me the tears

Of a broken life,

Still

Change is coming.

It's interesting to sit here and know that things are changing as I write in both my life and the lives of those around me. The past couple of days have been spent in this strange daze. It's as if I know things are changing this year but in my pursuit of trying to figure out what I've only succeeded in making myself dizzy with all the searching. I just have this....knowing....in me that things are happening. Changing. Shifting. Growing. At the end of this year life is going to be crazy. I can't wait. Yet, I can. Ah isn't that the funny thing about humans. We can't wait for life to start and yet, scared to death when it does. We want it all figured out right now but if God told us His will before the needed time it would throw us all in a tizzy destroying our future. Sigh. I have things I want to say but it's as if my heart's words are locked inside and I can't find the key. Maybe I don't hold the key. There are times when all I want to do is write. Write something, anything. Oh well, I can't have it all I guess. :) I'll write more later when I've figured it all out. <3

"My Utmost for His Highest"...

Today was the first day of Word First. I already have so much to think, pray and confess over. There are so many little sayings that have been floating through my head the past couple of weeks and it's as if God is trying to say something-
"God is rarely early but NEVER late."
"Perhaps it's not as difficult as I'm making it."
"If you knew your future it would paralyze your days."
"All I have seen has taught me to trust God in what I haven't seen."
"God doesn't change His mind, we change ours."

I don't really know what to say. I'm tired of writing about all my "good intentions" and then going back later to discover that that's all they were- good intentions. I'm tired of being the self proclaimed "idea girl." I want to DO something with my life. So no more speculating. I'm off to live. Right here. Right now.