Return to Me and I will return to you..........

God is amazing isn't he?? I just am in complete awe right now. I mean I love sitting in chapel hearing the w..Word...singing worship songs...and hearing God's voice speak to me. I'm so used to fixing myself and tonight I was sitting in chapel looking at my life knowing that I should be fixing things....but as I was sitting there the thought came to me that I just need to rest in the love of God. I need to stop striving and just rest in the arms of the One who loves me most. Yes I need to fix things....I need to work on my issues....but I think that sometimes God just wants us to rest in Him. Tonight was one of those nights....I just wanted to raise my hands and praise Him. I wanted to get on my knees and pray for hours. I just wanted to stay in His presence....because at least for me....He was there....here. I love Him so much. He has been so apparent in my life in the past couple of weeks. He is moving His hands over my life. He is whispering in my heart the truths of who I am. I am so amazed and awed. If I return to Him...He will return to me. Please don't get technical...I know that God never moves but...I still love that verse. It shows that just as long as you return to God He is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins. I serve an awesome God and right now I just want to bask in that. His glory is revealed in His creation.....I am His creation.....God is great. God is good. I'm in love and I'm lovin' it! :) I love ya'll.....reach out to God and He will reach out to you. I promise! Muaw!

Let God whisper to your heart.....

So...I was talking to a friend of mine about my confusion. Seriously I'm soooo freakin' confused it ain't even close to being funny. I'm mad then I'm happy....I'm strong then I'm so alone I don't think I can take it......I'm sad then I'm so excited about things I can't hardly contain it. (Bi-polar??!?! haha) But yeah.....I'm just tired of not understanding things and never coming to knowledge of knowing even one thing 100%. Especially of not understanding things and people. But I guess that I do know somethings 100% I just get my flesh so wraped up in everything that it messes what I do know up and makes me forget it. I know that God loves me. That He sent His son to die on the cross for my sins. That God is not the author of confusion. That Satan is out to attack me and ruin any hope I have in Christ. These are all things I know for certain. The things I don't know are......well to even begin would take a box of tissues and some good friends, a cup of coffee and the Bible......But I'm really am sick of this....I'm tired of writing about my confusion and blahness....and moodiness..... but I know that this confidence is going to leave at some point....and I want this to be here when I do lose it again.....so that I can read it and remember....my promises, my trust, my faith. Does that make sense? I think so many people lose sight of their faith....it makes me sad. I hear people talk about how their lives are falling apart around them and they don't know what to do......my thought is...turn to Jesus. He'll take care of you unlike anyone can. It will be hard....no stinkin' doubt about that...in fact just read my past blogs and you will see how I struggle. :S But the amazing thing about having Jesus in your life is that in the end you can always turn to Him. You become...comforted....just stick to Jesus...trusting that He will carry you through.....because if you do...one day you'll look around at your life and realize that you aren't in that hard place anymore....it won't usually be this huge radical situation where one minute you're crying out to God and poof the situation is gone.....its more like.....the whisper in the wind.....the vague realization as you're living that something has changed.....you no longer hurt as much as you once did....or you're no longer scared like you once were.....or you no longer hate like you once did.....I love that thought. The thought that God carries us through some of the toughest times and we don't even realize it. He just whispers things into our heart....healing....mending.....loving.....carrying us through the storms that this life often blows our way.....that's why I love God...and I'm not going to lose that for anything or anyone. :) Be blessed....

So I'm Intense.....

So today I talked to someone who knows how to give good advice about my feelings about everything going on in my life and it was good. We really connected as two "intense" women. Kinda a strange thing to connect on but its good. I was sitting there thinking about this term we kept coming back to....intense. Why do women feel like its so wrong to be intense? Now when I say intense I mean like.....I know what I believe, I will fight for what I believe, I'm strong.....the whole "I am woman, hear me roar" thing. I'm loud, talk A LOT, argue about the small things and say things that I shouldn't. I am intense. I'm "hard to handle" but you know what? I don't care anymore. God made me this way for a reason. God made many many MANY women this way. We are women who know what we're about. We are different but we are just as worthy as those women out there who are quiet and docile. I'm tired of denouncing who I am to please other people. I really really REALLY am. So women of certain...intensity......don't worry....one day God will round out your corners and you will become even more beautiful and desirable. Let God work in your life but don't let anyone tell you or make you feel like you aren't worth it just because you make things...harder for them. One day we are going to meet the man who CAN handle us.....and won't even realize he's handling anything. It will be like second nature to him to take care of us. Sigh....the thought makes me smile. So I'm intense......you gotta problem with it?? hehe.......

The arms of the One who loves me.....

I am soooo super duper excited.....I'm such a little kid sometimes.....haha.....I've finally started to actually get out of my dorm and talk to people....There are some good things about being left alone...you are forced to get out of your box and reach out to new...different...people. Sigh. God is so good. I really love that saying that I've put in my status....."Being held in the arms of the One who loves me." There is something comforting and nice about it. It makes me smile. I really am so excited! I can't wait for this new life God has established for me. Despite the fact that I still struggle with the whole...homework thing....ugh...who doesn't though? I know that God is working in me to will and do His perfect will. I don't think God's will is as complicated as we so often make it. I know there are somethings that are a big deal and take more....searching....but I can't help but wonder if so many of us get caught in the worrying and wondering about it all that we lose sight of the God who spoke to men and women of the Bible...who gave direction to millons of people throughout the centuries. God is not the author of confusion. We need to remember that and we become confused realize that its probably our flesh or Satan attacking us trying to make us lose sight of the truth. Sigh......I love God. haha.....He makes me happy. It is only through Him that I have become stronger....wiser....better.....humbler....haha.... not so all knowing and prideful. You know I feel strange saying this but....thanks Daddy.....I know You're taking care of me.....carrying me through the trials and pain....letting me stand on my own when I can....but always being right there to catch me when I fall. I love You!

Held in the arms of the one who loves me.....

Mae....thanks for the basis to this.....You ARE so totally RIGHT!
I was talking with some girls last night about the confusion that I feel because I want to marry and be happy but I love my independence and I know that I need to grow and discover more about God and myself. How last year after my very first boyfriend cheated on me I would watch the clock for 11:11. When the clock would hit that time I would pray...that this year I would go to Paris and meet the man that I was supposed to marry. Stupid...I know. My first mistake was giving God a time line. My second one was actually expecting Him to follow it... (Haha that's something we said last night...God was probably thinking who's God here?? You or Me? Don't make me come down there and show you the real God......) Hrrmmm...this is probably really hard to follow and understand. Sigh.... Anyway....Mae said something about how we needed to look at the Lord like He is our Lover. That we need to spend the honeymoon with our first lover before He will hand us over to another man to "take" care of us. I loved it. We..I need to allow God to romance our hearts. We are always looking for someone to complete us.....but in the end the only one who can do that is God. So many times I've pictured myself being cradled in God's arms...being held by the one who loves me most. That's how it needs to be. I can't expect people to complete me. They can't even complete themselves half the time! I'm on this journey alone. And though that scares me and I wish it wasn't so....I think in the end I will learn some important lessons on the way. In fact I AM learning important lessons on the way. I need to enjoy the honeymoon with my Lover. Because in the end He loves me and is pleased with who I am. I am enough to Him. I am unforgettable. I need to go back to my first love. Sigh. I know the truth but that thought scares me. What if He won't accept me? What if I have made Him mad enough to just wash His hands of me? I need to rediscover the heart of God. Well here is one more random thought about a random thing that a random girl decided to write down. Take it and do with it what you will.

No more......

There is nothing worse than being lied to. Why do people say they're want something....build expectations.....and then just knock all that down...... Haha...the funny thing is that I knew this was going to happen.....I knew it! I even told them! I'm sick of being right about people. I'm sick of knowing I'm gonna get hurt and still putting myself out there. I'm sick of the fact that the very people who "build" me up are the VERY ONES who knock me back down. I'm sick of getting proved right. I'm sick of people lying to me. I'm sick of trying to be what everyone wants me to be and it NEVER being enough. I'm sick of thinking.....and not being able to let go. I'm sick of hope. I'm sick of.......everything. Hmph....but no one's gonna read this. No one's gonna respond. This is just gonna enter cyberspace and go out to oblivion and someday a future boss is going to read this a not hire me because I'm sick of being alone and tired of not having people around me. I'm sick of hurting. I'm sick of trying.

Cold hearts..... :S

It absolutely amazes me how cold some people can be. How one day its all sunshine and rainbows and the next its as if that person can't even stand to be around you. It doesn't matter if they hurt you or that they established expectations that aren't being met. What's the point in saying something if you aren't going to follow through with it? To me that's lying. But I'm the horrible person...remember?? I'm the one who ruins everything. I'm the one with the shattered dignity. ha...I love how people walk away with their image intact....leaving the person they hurt sitting in the corner broken....Well I'm not going to take it. I've tried to break through the wall. So from now.....people are going to have to fight for my friendship. If they care then they'll have to prove it to me. Harsh.....perhaps....but I'm tired of being taken advantage of. Just because I'm nice and out going in being friendly doesn't mean I'm going to do all the work. Relationships are two way streets.....I've put in my labor. Now its up to the rest of the world to decide just how badly they want to be friends. Its called boundaries......haha...ONE more thing I'm gonna work on this year.....I think I need to start a list. :S I'm gonna forget something if I don't! lol Well world...hope you have a great day tomorrow....cause I'm going shopping!!!! :)

Hearts of hope...

So I was thinking again today about somethings. About guys and trust. I've decided so many times that there are some mistakes I have made that would be better left unsaid when I meet "the one." Is that wrong of me?? Its not that I'm trying to hide something or that there's more to the situation than meets the eye. I just don't want to tell him some things and he wind up being hurt over something that in end doesn't matter. :S I know that's a noble thought but a foolish one at the same. Just by default of not telling him something will imply there is something more to the situation than he thought.....which there wouldn't be. In the end I'm going to marry the man God has for me and all the mistakes he made and I made....all the hurt we suffered...I hope won't affect the future. Sigh.....why can't we just leave the past in the past. I'm going to marry the man I truly love and he's (hopefully) going to marry the woman he loves and so we shouldn't feel threatened by our past.....we chose each other...not those exes or whatever else there might be. Granted its kinda hard for me to accept it just as much as he's probably going to find it. :S It will just have to be something we work on. God has everything under control. I have to believe that. My heart hold on to that thought. Sigh.....

Tricks of the mirror......

So last night after I wrote my "I am woman" blog.....I looked in the mirror. Big deal......??? Oh no its was. Sadly enough. I just saw my face in the mirror and became sad all over again. Its like I had a reality check. But that's the thing.....it isn't a reality check. I love how the Barlow Girls sing a song about that.....telling the mirror that it doesn't define them. I think girls/females/women have become so acustomed to the mirror....it shows us who we are....but I'm starting to think that that's not the case....or at least it shouldn't be....especially when you become a child of the King. hmmm...I always go back to that verse in 2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." The mirror of this world tells us that we need to look beautiful, skinny, dress nice, have a smile on our face, be sweet, be strong....just to name a few. But once you become a child of the King the Bible tells us two important things 1. we are new creations 2. not to be conformed to the world. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and seeing my flesh's view of myself. Satan doesn't even see me as badly as I see myself because if he did he wouldn't feel the need to prove to me my view. He knows that I am a formidable foe. (hehe I like that.) We need to stop looking in the mirrors made by man and start looking into the mirror of Christ. Only then will we see our true selves. That makes me so excited! I can't wait to see God's view of myself. It will make me stronger....wiser......better. God is revealing the real me to myself. It makes me smile. :) So no more mirrors. I will from now on see myself through the eyes of God. That's my promise. :)

Mirror

mirror mirror on the wall
have i got it
cause mirror you've always told me
who i am
i'm finding its not easy to be perfect
so sorry you won't define me
sorry you don't own me
who are you to tell me that i'm less than what i should be?
who are you?
who are you?
i don't need to listen to the list of things i should do.
i won't try.
no.
i won't try.
Mirror I am seeing a new reflection.
I'm looking into the eyes of who made me
and to Him I have beauty beyond compare.
I know He defines me.
who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be?
who are you?
who are you?
I don't need to listen to the list of things I should do.
I won't try.
No.
I won't try.
you don't define me.
you don't define me.....
you don't define me!
you don't define me!!!
who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be?
who are you?
who are you?
I don't need to listen to the list of things I should do.
I won't try.
No.....
I won't try!

-Barlow Girls

The battle rages.....but victory is claimed!!!

Ok so I'm addicted to blogging. Seriously. :S There's just something about writing you're feelings where people can see it and relate...or not. :) Silly to say the least. But I'm not gonna stop. Sorry to all ya'll who get tired of it. This little gal is tired of making everyone not happy. And I say that with the sweetest smile. Anywhooo....I was thinking about who I was. haha...nothing new there.....seems to be a constant train of thought for me. But I was listening to a new song by Martina McBride....where she talks about a heart full of tender mercy, arms open wide, words full of loving kindness.....something to that extent. It's a very sweet song of a woman looking be some change in the world. Hmph....just like I want to be. Then the thought came to me....God is working in me....I AM that woman. I just need to take it into the deepest darkest depths of my heart and let those promises take root.....Thank goodness God is a forgiving God. And that His mercies are new EVERY single morning! I'll mess up....horribly....but I just wake up the next morning and crawl right back onto that altar....the life of a living sacrifice isn't exactly the easiest thing to be. It is entirely too easy to crawl off......but God makes it wonderfully easy to get right back on....I'm so glad for that. I have vices....to say the least.....but God made me the way I am for a reason.....and I will change ONLY for Him..... To change for anyone else would be pointless...they still wouldn't like the new me.....they would just expect me to change one more thing. :) I am THAT woman! Sigh....that is the most glorious realization ever. haha....I'm reminded of the song Kristen and I used to sing as little kids..."It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars....the sun and the earth and jupiter and mars....but He's still working on me!" And praise the Lord He is! The devil is trying oh so hard to bring me down....BUT he ain't going to succeed! I have Jesus fightin' for me....the battle may rage...I may get wounded and hurt but in the end the war has been won! On a cross two thousand years ago....satan got the crushing blow.....and I'm accepting the victory that people can only find in Jesus. This is my promise. This is the truth. This is my new life. Yep that's right.....I win! I am that woman! Hallelujah! Good night world....can't wait to show you what this little gal has to give....because through Jesus I can do anything!!!!

......?.......

There is nothing worse than knowing that God won't let you run away....won't let you build a wall.....won't let you stay hidden from the world.....won't let you get mad. No. You have to stay soft, forgive, let go, allow the truth of God's love surround you. Sometimes I just wish I could be like other people and lash out or like even more people who just hide their heart from the world. But I'm not. I just stand there letting my heart be broken again and again. Sigh...people warned me but I thought it would be different. hmm....don't we all think that way. Why do we always assume that our lives are different? That it won't happen to us? It will....oh dear world.....it will. There is nothing that can't happen to you. If God deems it....it will be. The question is did God deem it? Or did Satan come in? Or did your flesh sabatoge the truth? Because not everything that happens is of God. This hurts. Yet.....it gives me a strange sense of hope at the same time. God will work things out. It hurts....yes this hurts. And part of me thinks the whole thing is senseless and selfish....causing confusion and hurt for no true reason. But the decision has been made. So I will learn to live with it. I mean, what else can I do? Nothing. So I will just run to Jesus and fall in love with Him. I will trust that God is preparing me for my future. That none of this is senseless. That He has a purpose for it all. But I do wish I was called away from here. I don't want to sit around waiting for the other foot to drop. The time when someone else is there for them. When my faults are clearly displayed when compared to the other person. Oh well. God knows what He's doing and I just have to believe and trust that. Well good night dear world. Don't be a fool like I was. Learn, live and love.

Different person....different place.....same outcome

Isn't it funny how some things are just universal? It really doesn't matter who it is or where it is......the same thing will happen to you over and over again. The common denominator is you and until that changes everything else will most likely stay the same. Sad but true. Sigh I'm tired....and ready to live my life in the way God wants me to.....but sometimes that's easier said than done. Is it even going to work? Or am I going to fail just like I've done time and time again? I don't know. The things I do know don't make that question's answer any more positive. This is who I am but is it who I'm supposed to be? Is it who I will be? Is there hope? Or am I sentenced to a life of frustrated searching? Will my heart ever just stay safe? no. Hearts were created to be broken because if they weren't God would have no use for us. It is only in our brokenness do we turn to Him, do we do things He expects from us. Only a broken heart will look at children in Darfur and want to do something about it. If our hearts remain cold how can God teach us to reach? It is the way of the world and despite all of my ranting it is the way it will remain. My heart will broken again. I just need to learn to not dwell on it and move on. To turn to the one who will mend it....and maybe fix it while He's at it.

Broken hearts
one more time pick yourself up
why even cry?
broken pieces in your hand
wonder how you'll make it whole
you know, you pray, "this can't the way"
you cry, you say, "somethings got to change and mend this porcelain heart of mine"
someone said a broken heart would sting and force and make you stronger
wonder why this pain remains
were hearts made whole just to break?
....creator only you take brokeness and create it into beauty once again...
you know you pray, "this can't be the way"
you cry, you say- "somethings got to change and mend this porcelain heart of mine"....

"Porcelain Hearts" By Barlow Girls

Thinking.....a dangerous thing....

Well....dear world.....I've been thinking about life. Not about anything in particular.....just a bunch of deep thoughts rolling around in my mind.....none of them staying and me being able to focus on them. Sigh......I want to go somewhere......with someone.....doing something.....but we both know that isn't going to happen. Nope its just going to me and the TV today. Which is a rather depressing thought for someone who despite the fact that she needs her time alone would much rather spend her time with a close friend having fun. No fun for me. Sigh. I'm ready to move somewhere and meet people.....another new start. See where that takes me. I just wish reality wasn't so freakin' blah. You read books, watch movies, listen to music....all potraying lives of excitement, wonder, maturity, security....just to name a few emotions. I look at my life and all I see is a silly girl wishing for a life that will never be like the books or movies or songs. No man will ever look at me as "Cinderella" or say that I mean the world to them....or be their everything. I'm just Kathleen Hagood. The girl who wants to be those things....who wants to be strong but soft. Alluring but open. Hard but merciful. Daring but safe. Friendly but mysterious. Humble but prideful. Hmmmm.....I kinda feel like that's how I am....who knows.....maybe one day I will be.

Wisdom

My dad has decided that the church should do a study on the book of Proverbs. Coincidental....to say the least. A friend of mine and I have been on the search for wisdom for the past couple of weeks. The ability to judge what is good, just, and fair. Granted we haven't used the word wisdom specifically but we discuss the things of God...theology....trying to explain our beliefs and the whys to them. It is hard. Nearly impossible for me. My friend fares better than I. It bothered me that I wasn't able to explain my core beliefs and why I hold them. So I have started to search. Much like I never have before. Sure I've asked questions and looked up subjects but now I am writing down what I'm learning. I am asking better questions. Questions like how do you set up a belief....doesn't make much sense but wait....the idea is that I need to be able to present my logic in a systematic, logical, and intellectual way. So many beliefs need to be established on a bigger more fundamental truth before you start to work your way towards a more ambigious (Sp?) truth/belief. Yet, I digress. So the idea of wisdom. The wisdom of God. Its amazing and I am realizing the importance of Godly wisdom more and more. For the wisdom of God is different than the wisdom of this world. As Proverbs 3: 24-26 says "When you lie down, you will not be afraid; Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet. Do not be afraid of the sudden terror, Nor of the trouble from the wicked when it comes; For the Lord will be your confidence, And will keep your foot from being caught." This is only one verse on the wisdom of God....so many promises....so many things to remember. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your won understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes...." Do not be wise in your own eyes...Do not be wise in your own eyes....something that I am finding hard to do. But slowly I am becoming humbled by the wisdom...the intellect....the searching...the kindness....of other people. I don't know nearly as much as I think I do or did. Yet, there are things that I know that I know. The challenge is finding the balance between the two ideas and staying there. :S So many things to do...so little time. I need wisdom to know what to do and how to do it. Thank the Lord He'll give it to me.....

I'm not who I want to be....

Is that bad? Or is that normal? Sigh. I look at my life and I just know that I'm not who I want to be. I guess the question is...Am I who God wants me to be? Honestly....I don't know. There is nothing in me that I feel is...distinctly me...distinctly special. And special in the sense of a rare jewel...if there is any jewel here its more like a rough topaz....I don't know I'm just struggling with who I am. Why I was created this way. I feel useless. I mean how many people have I affected in a positive way? If there are any....there aren't many. I want my life to have an impact on this world. I don't want to live a life of anonmyity...but I am someone who needs my alone time like we need oxygen to breathe. I'm not someone who never meets a stranger. I'm not who I want to be....and truly its killing me. Because in the end I will choose to be anonymous. THAT is who I am. Just another face in the crowd. Maybe that's what God created me to be. I find it extremly difficult to believe that but God is a God of suprises. Ugh. This is sad. I look ahead and all I see is my failure....whatever. Time to move on and hope that things change. What a joke though. :S

Realizing....

I'm not as smart as I think I am and sometimes I can be a real egotistical, judgemental, prideful jerk. To not know how to prove what I believe is the stupidist thing ever. And then to turn around and judge someone else's beliefs before I even hear them out. Arrogant to the max. That's what happened. I was prejudice. I judged before I even understood. Sigh. The worst mistake someone can make when discussing deep issues that matter to people. I assumed before I knew. It was wrong of me. Well this is definately one more thing I need to work on this upcoming year and with God's help I will succeed. So I'm sorry world for judging you before I hear what you have to say....of not understanding before I make myself understood. And for keeping you up super late...when we are both tired. It is NOT going to happen again. Thank you for understanding... :S

Dreams...

So I had some dreams last night that kinda freaked me out and made me extremly sad all at the same time. :S Why do people have to walk out of your life? Why do people decide that they would rather have someone else rather than you? Why do people choose to reject you...over and over again? Even in my dreams I'm rejected. I just don't understand...but will anyone ever understand. Sigh. Its retarded but it hurts. It hurts realizing that no matter how hard you try it will never be enough for someone. Oh well....I just have to learn to accept the rejection....live and learn.....good night sweet world....hope you find the happiness God wants for you.

I don't understand...

Guys....someone help me understand...please? Why do they not leave girls alone? Especially when the guys have done all they can do to hurt you...and when you finally cut clean they cling tighter than a small child. Well maybe that's why....they are like little children and we girls have become like their mothers. Shrug. Who knows. I'm just tired of being put into this position. Why am I being forced to hurt people? That's not who I am! Why am I being forced to become something I'm not? I don't appreciate it....but in the end when has that ever mattered....whatever....just pray that God gives me the strength and wisdom to say and do the right thing. He will....just maybe not when I want it. Shrug. God bless.