:)

Ok so I just finished a super long blog about me trusting God but I want to write one more quicky before I really go.... ;) I was looking over some of my past blogs and all I can say is God is great! hehe.....that's it....that's all I wanted to say....just to remind some of ya'll in case you forgot....lol....ok now I'm really leaving...promise!

"blah blah blah blah"

So I feel so much better today...thank the Lord! For some reason I've become super tired all of a sudden but other than that...I'm good. I just am trusting that God will guide me in this new direction of my life. I have decided that He is the only who can make me truly happy and so I'm going to stop depending on other people to do the impossible. :) Granted that's much easier said than done. We get used to depending on people...you know you always hear people say that this world needs to accept the idea that we need people...and we do! It's just that we force people to depend so much on people that we forget the only person that we can truly depend on...who will truly love us....who will truly come through for us in those dark hours of our lives....God. This world puts so much emphasis on accepting the idea of needing people that we forget the God who created us to need Him. He just wants to come through for us. That's the truth. He doesn't want us to always turn to our parents or our friends or our family or....anyone....He wants us to turn to Him because in the end all those other people will go away and you will still be left standing alone physically. God goes with us in the valleys that no one else can enter. Sometimes there are things that we have to learn on our own without much real help from anyone else....and most times the only thing they can do is pray. God will be my one true companion....for in Him all others will come...and go...but He will remain there with me in the fire...in the storm...in the valley of the shadow of death.....in torrential down pour....He will be with me...guiding me....reminding me to "fear not, for I am with you." You know I read once that a woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to search God to find her. I love it. I want that to be me. I want my life and heart to be so hidden in God that a man has to search God's heart and mind to find me. Granted they may not....God may not want them to...but still I want them to draw closer to God just because they knew me. I want to inspire people to WANT to know God....I want them to see an inner peace and light shining out from me that no one can explain except for the idea that it's something spiritual. That's my new direction...haha....I have many new directions...but thankfully I think I'm finally on the right track.....they are all leading to a closer relationship with God. Now in two weeks the trials will really start to hit....so everyone pray for me....college has been one tough trial for me....but with God's help and ya'lls prayers and determination I will conquer....hehe...kinda corny, eh? oh well. God said it first! "For we are more than conquerers through Christ who strengthens me..." or "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..." Either one....they both tell me that only with God's help am I going to be able to live this new life.....yikes...the doubts come and attack but I will stay strong....I have family who love me....friends who care and a God who is bigger than ANYTHING the devil can throw at me. Thank the Lord! Well this is getting rather long and I'm really just blabbing away at nothing of much interest...so I will away...and help my sister pack! Goodbye darling world.....to you I say, "God is amazing!" For you see,God is in His Heaven so all is right with the world. :)

Confusion, mayhem and ill

So I've decided on my New Year....no my new life.....resolution....three days in advance. To many this is going to sound weird and strange and to others...well ok...to everyone this is going to sound psycho...but that's just the way this cookie is crumbling. My new life resolution is to get rid of my romance books....ALL of them....become more involved in this school and church...and rededicate my life to God. This past year I have gotten so far off track that I don't know what the truth is...and that is the worst realization in the world...especially for someone who values the truth. Ugh. I am just trying to trust God that I am a child of the king and just like any dad would do He will take care of me. That He will protect me and guide me back to the truth. That's a most wonderful thought to someone like me....someone who has been deceived and bound by their beliefs for the past....hmph...for all of my young/ old life....that's the thing I keep telling myself..."You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." That is God's promise to people like me. Hallelujah! That is what I'm staking my life on from now on. That God's truth will set me free. The version of Amazing Grace that Christ Tomlin sings...."my chains are gone...I've been set free....my God my Savior has ransomed me....and like a flood His mercy rain...unending love....amazing Grace...." I am no longer bound by the lies of the devil. I have been set free! I am claiming that freedom! Amen and amen. This is the start of a new life....a better one....and I'm claiming that the new me will be better this year than ever before! Hugs and kisses to all! God bless! I will talk later...

Love, happiness and a blanket of God.....

Doesn't that just sound yummy??? Oh.....goodness....I was so happy and I still am but I'm scared too. Scared of God. I don't feel that certain peace that should evade my heart when I think about Him. I've done some things I shouldn't have. I've become someone I'm not. Yet, the dumb part is I don't even truly know who I am...so how can I know that I've become what I'm not?.....Does it make sense?....I am who I am....I what I want...But at the same time....I know this is not what God wants for me. My life is not my own. I can't live it the way I want to. I have to take these feelings in hand. I have to learn to control my emotions. Hmph....my parents have been telling me that as long as I can remember. I never listened to them....until now. I need to be saved. That's what I'm starting to realize. I need to be saved from myself. It's like that verse in Romans....."oh what wretched man that I am, who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God- through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin." This is not to say I've lost something....in fact I feel that to some extent I've gained something. Oh please don't let my life be a waste....I'm scared that my experiences....my risks....my hurts....will all turn out to be a pointless waste of time. I don't know why that makes me soooo fearful. ("run with me, dream with me, pray with me, fall on me") That in the end.....I will not have become a better person for my pain...instead I will be bitter and mean. I don't know! I truly don't know why I'm scared....I just know I am. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of love, joy, a of sound mind." Sigh...how I wish I could be promised things.....how I wish I could make promises without fear of breaking them. Lord, cover me. Save me from myself. "I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile. We'll get through tomorrow somehow today. Happy after. Once upon these days." "Be my covering." There's just some things I need saving from. Why does the flesh rule our lives? I need God's grace to get me through the days. He will be there for me. Praise the Lord! I am not alone in this world...spiritually. I need to grow in God's grace and knowledge. This will happen! We will get through and persevere! For nothing is impossible with God. Amen and amen.......So goodnight sweet precious world.....for tomorrow is another day and another chance to learn.

Heartbreak

My heart beats its slow rythmic pound.
My breath catches.
I feel the pain coming from the deep dark recesses of my heart....
It knocks on the door....pounds.....ready to be freed.
The door cracks....an inch.....a foot.....wider and wider....
The pain flows out....surrounding my heart in a cloak of despair.
It mocks me.
Laughs as I cower in the shadows.
It steals my dreams....my happiness....
Taking from me the only truth I've known...
The knowledge that the crown I wore was only a plastic toy.
The dress I wore was only a play thing worn by little girls.
I sit in the dark....a woman....dressed in her play clothes.....
There is no princess.
She was a character stolen from a book.
A woman who has awakened from her slumber to see the world she created was only a dream.
There is no little princess.
There is no sweet daughter.
There is no future wife.
There is only me.
And that is the saddest part.

Life.....

My heart wonders at its beat.
Why does it?
Why does it take the energy from my body just to make the heart beat?
Why am I alive?
O please answer this question.
My life needs meaning.
Meaning beyond the small world I live in.
I want to have an impact on this world.
I was called to be an impact on this world.
Where has this life taken me?
Where is it taking me?
How can I plan forever?
Oh God how can I plan forever when forever is here?
Time has come for me to make decisions that I'm not ready to make.
My life isn't some enchanted evening or a fairy tale.
This is real.
Those dreams where the dreams of a child.
They are gone in the wind.
The time has come for me to let go of those dreams.....but its killing me.
Someone come and save me.
I must let go.
Its tearing me apart.
All in the ramblings of a girl...yes a girl....who has learned that the prince isn't coming for his princess because there is no princess.
Just a lost woman who needs direction for her life and isn't finding it.
Oh who will save me from my wretched state?
Goodnight sweet world.......tomorrow is another day.....another dream gone.....another breath taken......another day to live......

Poem....

"Within my heart a garden grows,
Wild with violets and fragrant rose.
Bright daffodils line the narrow path,
my footsteps silent as I pass.
Sweet tulips nod their heads in rest;
I kneel in prayer to seek God's best.

For 'round my garden a fence stands firm
To guard my heart so I can learn
who should enter, and who should wait
on the other side of my locked gate.
I clasp the key around my neck
and wonder if the time is yet.

If I unlocked the gate today,
would you come in? Or run away?"

A Promise is Forever by Robin Jones Gunn

Birthday wishes....

Another terrible one....

The tears come and I can't seem to stop them but the soft breeze slowly dried them making slight tear stains on my cheeks. The fragrance of summer comes creeping up to me like an elusive butterfly. I can't quite define the smell and so I just rest in the fact that it is distinctly summer. I look up at the stars feeling the awe once again. The sound of the wind in the trees brings back memories of a little girl who desired to never grow up but to always be the fliting hummingbird dancing from one flower to another never becoming tired and ever happy. Yet now I am ever tired and never happy. The wind whips my hair and I feel as if, for a moment, I could just fly into the sky from any hurt or pain that might find me here. Oh, to have the wing of an eagle! To be able to fly to the heights of God's love and then to rest on the currents of his unfailing mercy. I can feel the presence of God in those stars. They give me great hope in times of crisis that so often seems to come my way. I can look up at the stars and know that Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob saw most of the same stars that I am looking up at thousands of years later. That despite every other inconsistency in my life the stars will always be there. The swing slowly squeaks as I rock. It gives me a sense of comfort. My tears have finally stopped. What caused them? I don't know but I do know what made them go away. The ever present stars that give earth light when none else can be found.

Not very good....

My hands were battered, bloody from the crawl, scraped on the sharp rocks of life. So often I cried out....begging for someone to come and help me, scared of falling, yet fearing to rise. So I crawled, not stopping, slowly up the hill. There were many times when I slipped, falling down, and I had to pick myself back up. That was hard. I was in pain, wondering if I would ever make it, wondering if I was alone in my journey. I often felt the fleeting presense of something greater, of someone who could help me. Yet, I couldn't let go and see if it was true. I had to do this myself. Then one day I made it to the top. There standing before me was the most glorious mad. His hands were battered and scarred just as mine were. His feet were bloody too. I wondered if he had crawled up the hill as I had. When I asked him how his hands and feet had become so torn he answered- cutting me straight to my heart," I crawled so you could walk, I slipped so you could trod safely, I fell so you could stand tall, I cut for you, I bled for you. For you I died. For you I lived." I wept, realizing that I had hurt for no reason. I could have let go and been safe, but I was too stubborn, too prideful.....too rebellious.....too hurt.

Aye yi yi!!!

So school has been going on for the past 4 months and everything is finally catching up with me. I've moved on from past relationships and started new ones. Sigh.....its amazing...But on the flip side...stress is starting to set in...finals, exams, quizes, papers, papers.....oh did I mention papers!!! Ugh. Then trying to decide on a major, finding a church, figuring out a class schedule for next semester, dealing with money, AND having a social life....not exactly the easiest thing in the world. Unfortunately I have decided that France will have to wait another year. It makes me sad but I don't want to be stressed over my dreams. Dreams are supposed to be fun not crazy, annoying, and stressful. So I'll wait till next year...hopefully everything will fall into place better. Sigh. So close to that one thing I want most in life...only to have to decide to sacrifice it. Irritating to say the least. I can't wait for Christmas but at the same time I'm going to miss the people I've met here. Sniff. As the darling Scarlett O'Hara once said..."I'll think about that tomorrow." Yep that's about the best thing I can do for somethings. Just don't think about it. I know I know! Denial never helped anyone...well it didn't exactly hurt them either. oy vey....I need to read some literature for english. So I will away....Till next time....

Sigh...

Life is weird. I don't really understand half of the things that happen. Why can't we just KNOW what is going to happen, do it and then be happy? Time steals so much. Yet it also gives so much back. I don't know what to do...about everything and nothing. The questions steal into my heart begging to be answered. They knock on the door of my heart...waiting....Should I let them out? Or would life just get harder if I did?? Ugh...the retardedness of life...sigh...I don't think I'm going to try anymore....blah....blah...blah.

What is causing....

So ok...I'm thinking...In response to the previous blog....Why CAN'T I trust people to stick around? I don't understand... I've thought and thought and thought...I don't understand! I can't think of anything in my life that has truly caused me to respond this way...Ugh. Its so frustrating. I hate feeling this way but at the same time its so comfortable for me. It is what I'm used to...it is who I am...Life is so complicated! I wish I understood but it appears that I never will. There comes a time in a persons life when they just have to decide...to do something or not. I guess that time has come for me...but I'm going to try to put it off for as long as possible. Sigh...good night....sleep tight...

Blah...

Life isn't fair... That's all I can say. Sigh.

Walls....

So I've discovered something about myself. Sometimes I become absolutely paralyzed by the idea of having to trust someone. My only thought becomes, "run away! Now, before you get hurt!" Sigh, its funny/sad because I have to stop myself from becoming crazy with fear of hurt. You think I'm being dramatic.... I've realized this now that I'm in college and basically REQUIRED to meet new people. The questions run through my head and straight to my heart, "Can I trust this person? Will they get to know me and then leave? What if I make them mad?! What if...What if...What if?!" The what ifs in life can become a persons greatest wall around their heart. I have taught myself to fear....fear abandonment, fear rejection, fear the fact that someone might actually care for me. To some this will strike home, to others it will just sound dumb and to still others it will sound pitifully sad. Yet, don't we all have some sort of wall around the most precious parts of ourselves? The parts that we fear utter rejection for? I've found myself doubting everyone's care for my life. Do people really care? I'm not writing this in a state of self pity or anything like that...so please don't comment out of pity. I've just discovered something about myself that could help other people... Then I realized- how little I must think of those people who have stuck around even when they didn't have to?! There are people in my life who HAVE stuck around despite my retardedness, my selfishness, my self pity, and on and on. Yet, ah isn't there always a yet? My heart still questions those people who are new....the people who haven't been around for 13 or 14 years. The people who are just getting to know me. Can I trust them? Can I trust myself enough....believe in myself enough...to accept the fact that there are people...new people...exciting people...that want to get to know me? And...here's the kicker....stick around? I guess I'm going to have to trust God that EVERYTHING he created is good and pleasing...including me. Sigh, its going to be hard. The spirit is willing but the flesh...and heart...is weak. But I'll try. Good night, dear world.

Dreams...

"The dreams I dream for you are deeper than the ones you are clinging to....let the old dreams die....take the cup I offer and drink deeply of the dreams I dream for you.." Avalon

Thank you Kelly for this song! Thank you for reminding me that God's dreams are always better than our own. Sigh, I wish I could think of deep things but right now my brain is dead. So I'll write tomorrow....

Small....

"Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand....when you figure out that love is all that matters...it sure makes everything else seem so small..." "So Small"- Carrie Underwood, Carnival Ride 2007
Hmmmm.... How true.... I forget so many times the importance of love. I mean seriously love is what created this world. It is the best thing ever. I love my family and my friends and Jesus. Hmmm guess it should be the other way around.... Jesus, family and friends. I guess I just need to remember this everytime things feel bigger than me and Jesus. Nothing is bigger than Jesus and His love! Well I guess I'll go. I have a headache! ;)

Jesus.....

help me to listen to you. Oh how I need your help right now. Please come to my aide. Be my knight in shining armor. Teach me to lean only on you. Help me to fall more and more in love with you EVERYDAY. Be my all in all. Make me strong against the temptation to become depressed and sad about the hurts in my life. I WILL rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS. I choose to stop the pain right now. No more bad relationships...no more stupid choices....no more hurt. You hold the key to my heart. You let in the ones who deserve to see my secrets. Thank you for everything. Love, your daughter- Kathleen

Thoughts while dusting...hehe...

Ok seriously it is amazing the thoughts that can come to you while you are doing the menial tasks. I was dusting at work and thinking about my life and my future- a sticky subject to be sure. I can never decide which would be better get married now or wait and live life on my own a little. Then I started thinking about how much I want to go to Europe and explore who I am and what I am. Yet, at the same time I think it would be absolutely amazing to marry a pastor. That's probably strange to most of ya'll who are reading this but eh...Anywhoo, I just look at my parents and how happy they are...despite problems...despite discouragement...despite hurt and anger. It really wasn't that bad but it always seems like there are more hurts in life than anything else doesn't it? But I digress...So my parents are happy and in love and have a church family to be there for them when blood family can't. (We live 4 hours away from our closes relatives.) I love it! I feel that God has called me to be a leader in a church somewhere out there... I mean seriously He couldn't have made me a pastor's daughter so I just sit on my bum all my life in church never living out my faith. So yeah....well I was thinking about those two things when I realized one will probably have to be given up! AAAHHH! I can't do that! These are both two dreams I've had since I was a little girl. I know God can and will work in me to will and do His good pleasure but SERIOUSLY...I don't want to give them up!?!!? Sniff.. (I feel like a little kid...hehe.) I'm really not THAT worried about it. I just never thought about my having to possibly give up one or even both of my dreams...Argh. Thanks brain for such positive thoughts. The way I look at it that if I marry a pastor I won't have TIME or MONEY to go to Europe. I guess honestly if I was a pastor's wife I wouldn't want the time or the money because that means I'm not doing enough and we're aren't managing our money correctly. So...I guess I need to pray about going to Europe before I marry so I can go at least once before my life is forever chained to this continent...hehe. Ok...I've ranted enough for now. I'll be back though with something deep..er tonight. Maybe.....

Pavlov....

So tonight in Psych we talked about learning and Pavlov's experiment on dogs and some other guys experiment on cats. These guys learned that people learn to do or not do things according to the feelings or response associated with what they did. So a cat getting shocked ever time they pull a string teaches the cat to not pull the string. Well, that's how humans are. That lead to me thinking about myself. Why do I continue to do things that I know in the end will hurt me? Why do I put myself out there when I know people will just stare at me and then move on as if I never existed? Why?! Why do I keep thinking about the things that will cause me to want something that will hurt me in the end? And yet, there are things were I have learned to do...like keeping my mouth shut when it comes to my true feelings. Just don't say anything...don't rock the boat...no one really cares about what you have to say.... they don't want to hear the truth....Thoughts that keep me from speaking my mind. From speaking the truth...ME! The person who holds truth as the one of the most important things in life! I hold out... I figured out why I always expect friends to walk out on me.... Stupid.. I know! You see I had friends who I really cared about but in the end...when they moved away...the relationship ended...poof! Gone...like a whisper in the wind... I'm the only one who regrets the loss of that friendship...everyone else moved on... I've to want everything but expect nothing all at the same time. This makes for a hard life....always being divided in what you feel. Especially when you can't trust the situation or person to come through for you. I wish I had learned a long time ago that letting go of things is the best thing you can ever do for yourself. I never learned it and I'm paying for it right now. I guess I need to learn to stop pulling on the string...then maybe I'll stop getting shocked.....

Feelings...

So I've been thinking about why I still feel certain ways. I've prayed that God would take it away so that I could move on in my life and find happiness but I've remained chained to the past. I realized today that God's not going to miraculously change my feelings. They will be there for a while. What I can do is stop dwelling on them. Stop pulling the bell cord. I hate the fact that I've been forced to stop but if I don't stop myself I'm just going to wind up getting hurt. Is my heart more important than that other person's? I guess it is... The feelings will never go away. They just stop being so apparent and loud in your heart. If you ignore them enough one day they will stop knocking on the door to your heart. If you could look into your heart at that time you will find them sitting in a dark, dusty, forgotten corner. They can always decide to suprise you with a knock now and then but they won't do it forever. Why does time rule everything!? Our lives are ruled by the clock! Argh....it isn't fair. Yea, yea...who says life isn't fair? I did! So there.

Time...

Does time heal all wounds? Or does the wound just become quieter? If time heals all wounds then we must spend all our life in constant pain... Some wounds take a longer time.... they were cut deeper and take more...time.... Others are just surface wounds...healed in a moment. Why do we have to hurt each other? Because we were hurt.... Life is one big wound.... This world is constantly being wounded....the enviroment, people, animals....everything- all at one point has been hurt. Why? God must have some purpose to it... What is it? Maybe so we can appreciate Heaven even more.... no more tears... no more pain.... no more death.... no more hurt. My dad once said that some people will see all of hell they will ever see here on earth while other people are going to see all of Heaven they will ever see... How sad. The campus chaplain said last night that in Istanbul there was a painting uncovered that depicted Jesus reaching down to Adam and Eve who were reaching up to grab His hand... Isn't that how it is? Jesus reaching down to pull us up but we have to be willing to trust Him and reach out our hand to grab His. Yet how hard it is to do that.... the pain in this world has taught us that people aren't trustworthy but Jesus isn't people. He is more than human... Oh how I wish I could reach and trust.... its so much easier said than done. I can just picture Him seeing my heart and deciding to let go.... I know that goes against everything he is but there have been humans who did such a thing.... why reach out? Why give my life to Him? Why risk it? Why can't I just live my own life? What draws my heart to this life of pain? Christianity is pain. Yet it is also hope. The knowledge that you will never be enough on your own- hurts. Yet, Jesus is there to reach out and draw to who he is. He willing to give us parts of himself. Sigh if only it didn't hurt. People can apologize- say they're sorry- but that doesn't change the hurt- it doesn't change the fact that it happened.... so what can a person do? Let it go? Act like it didn't happen? "Move on?" Hold on to the situaton until you know the person has forgiven you? What is forgiveness anyway? Does anyone truly know? What does it take? I guess the only thing that will fix everything is......time...... Sigh, if only time wasn't so slow..... Well, everyone....I'm sorry. I hope time really does heal all wounds 'cause if not...we're all in big trouble.....

I'm in love....

You know things are changing when you turn to Jesus to complain but wind up looking into His heart and fall in love all over again. So many times now I turn to Jesus to just rail on Him about things in my life that I don't like but....I can't. I can just picture Jesus looking at me and showing me His heart through His eyes and all I can do is fall down and praise Him. Yet, I can't forget my problems. Sigh. Lord, help me to give up and turn to You. People say that giving up is the worst thing that you can do. I disagree. Sometimes the best thing we can do is give up and then we will finally learn to turn to You. You are twirling me in the rain. I love You Lord.

Help me...

There are times in my life when I just become tired. Tired of everything- people, attitudes, feeling hopeless, feeling out of control....So many things come and all I can say is, "I quit." Tonight was one such night. Yet, instead of running to books or tv I ran to God. I went outside and sat on my car and listened to Casting Crowns. A deer came near me and I just watched it. It was a beautiful buck. No, God didn't speak to me through the buck or through nature as He usually seems to do. I just sat there and thought. I'm tired of feeling tired. I give it all to Jesus. He loves me and nothing can change that. I won't pretend to think that this will make any sense...tonight its all about rambling. Lets just see where this goes.... I hope that God will give me a husband that fits into the puzzle of my family and that I will fit just as well in his. I want to raise my children in a way that would make God and my parents proud. I love God. He has done some amazing things in my life. I have peace for the first time in a really long time. PEACE! You know I heard once that sometimes God calms the person IN the storm. Oh how God has done that to me! He is so amazing! He has changed me so much. I am a new creation in Him, old things have passed away behold all things are new! He has blessed me with a beautiful family, new friendships, old friendships, changed friends, a great car, another day on this earth. I will praise Him in the storm. I will, I will, I will! It is my prayer that God will help me to fall even more in love with Him everyday of life from now on. I love Him so much! Words cannot express it! It's like ice cream needs cold, roses need the sun, the ocean needs the moon, a child needs his or her mother, the sky needs clouds, that's how I need and love my Jesus. Thank You Jesus. You are my love.

This Adventure Was Never About Me, It's About YOU.....

"Once again I say goodbye to the ones I love most. My heart feels that familiar pain as I long for home because this road is hard when I feel so far. God I'm crying out tonight because I've given you my life but I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind. So once more here's my life. On the day that you called my name all that I knew changed. I found when I said yes that I'd never be the same. Though the call is hard, You are worth it all. God I'm crying out tonight because I've given you my life but I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind. So once more.... even when the tears are fallin' when I find I fear the calling You remind me..... word's You've spoken over my life, promises I've yet to see. You comfort me. God I'm crying out tonight because I've given You my life but I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind me. So once more... God I'm crying out tonight because I've given you my life but I'm tired and I'm missing whats behind. So once more HERE'S MY LIFE...." Here's My Life- Barlow Girls (How Can We Be Silent)

Sigh....

Why do things have to get so complicated? Sometimes I wish I was still the little girl running up and down the lane playing dress up. The simpleness of childhood is sometimes so much better than the complexities of growing up. I wish I could just be normal. Yet, as everyone who is reading this is asking....What is normal? I don't know...I just wish I could be it. I miss people. Hehe...kind of sounds like I'm in solitary confinement or something. Ok..I miss certain people. This isn't making any sense. Sorry to everyone who reads this and gets confused. Well, I need to go to class and then go to choir and then drive home and then go to homecoming and then.....sleep..aaahh precious sleep. I'm not feeling deep right now sooo...I'll stop writing.

Whoohoo!

I'm so happy! I don't really know why. I'm just happy. You know that has to be the best feeling in the world. There's a peace that comes with knowing Jesus. You know? It's amazing how you can just be happy to be alive. I'm so glad I'm me! There was a time that I just didn't like me. I wasn't good enough for anyone. Then I read the verse "If anyone is IN Christ, he is a new creation- old things have passed away, behold all things have become new!" Sigh, that's my life to the T. Old things have passed away! Thank You Jesus! I'm so amazed at how God can change us...for the better! That's what so great about Him, with Him you're always moving forward. Stick close to Jesus and you'll never go wrong. Sigh, I love Him. I'm so glad I don't feel the need to change myself with my own power- it's all through the power of Jesus now! I smile more. That's a major step just in itself. Hehe.... Jesus is the only one for me! Love You Jesus!

Just a thought....

So today I went to history- US up to the Civil War...The class is crazy cool. Yea, most of ya'll hate history and that's great but I don't. I LOVE IT! Anywhoo...my teacher was talking about the anti-federalists and federalists. She was talking about how our government is a compromise of both views...balance! I love it. I mean seriously...when you think about it....God totally orchestrated this whole situation. There couldn't have been that many geniuses in that time period. The whole idea that the US could have flopped is such a real one but it didn't! When you think about it....if you ever want to see a miracle....look at the United States. Yep, that's miracle enough when you realize the probablity of failure. I mean Shay's rebellion could have totally disentergrated the whole situation but....it didn't. The British could have won...but they didn't. The country could have collapsed during the Great Depression...but it didn't. So many countries could have destroyed us by now with nukes....but they haven't. People say that the US wasn't built for religious beliefs and things...well this is what I think. Yeah, the US might have been radical in demolishing the state church but without God we would be nothing. No one can tell me otherwise. So.....maybe we should remember that....The US has a part in a greater play than any of us can realize....God wouldn't have protected us for so long if we didn't. Maybe we should stop looking to our own heads to figure out what to do but look to the One who saved our rears and ask Him what HE wants from us....just a thought....

Yawn....

Goodness...I'm sleepy. I can't wait to go to bed. Well, nothing much to say. I went to Fiesta Texas today with mi madre and padre. It was really fun. My parents rode rides....too cute! I took a bunch of pictures....of myself. Hehe...don't want to appear vain. I just really liked my pictures. Well, nothing deep tonight...too tired..yawn...well talk to ya later...God bless.

Country Idol?

Well, I just got back from a Pat Green concert. I must admit it was pretty amazing. The music, the atmosphere, the pure excitement that filled the air...it was great. Yet, despite feeling the buzz of anticipation I couldn't let go and just drop myself into the flow. I could feel myself wanting to. I wanted to just let go and do what I wanted, act how I wanted, forget it all. Oh how I wanted to...but I couldn't. It's amazing how Jesus can meet you where ever you are....even in a crowd of a hundred or more people drinking, dancing, and smoking. I saw people lift their hands in excitement of the song as if they were praising someone...or something. That's when it hit me... people are raising their hands to their idol. Wow. Of course it is all in "innocence" but how far can that go? I wanted so badly to just let myself flirt and forget everything I've been taught. But I didn't. I thought for a moment about how nice it would be to have the popularity and personality that would attract someone like Pat Green or his fiddle player.... I'm thinking this even while Pat is acting drunk and dumb. Then I realized that I wouldn't be fulfilling my reason for being....I would be a cop out. I'll admit I'll still continue listening to country...for now. Yet, I've realized that it CAN'T become my idol....the thing that I lift my hands to....or even for that matter the fame that can come with such a lifestyle. So, no lifting of hands except to the One who deserves it....the Prince of Peace, Emmanuel, and the King of Kings- Jesus Christ- my savior and Lord.

In the beginning...

Well, here I am once again trying my hand at writing blogs...hmmm. I'm wanting to write about my life and things God has shown me. I praying that someone can relate to my situations and find hope where there sometimes seems none. I know that I feel that way at times. I'll warn you right now...I'm not the type of person to hide my true feelings- if I'm happy then I'm happy but if I'm sad then I'm sad. I know, I know- emotions should not rule your life. Well, I'm working on that right now. One step at a time... Maybe that's what I need to remember...one step at a time. I don't have to become perfect all at one time- yikes! If I did...hmmm...well we all know that wouldn't work. I'm a Christian- a bona fide, Bible totin', miracle believin', Holy Ghost believer. That's the part I do know. Now if only I could figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I'm trying to take care of that part. I'm constantly praying that God would help me to give up all my dreams, hopes and fears. His dreams are always so much better than our anyways- even if at the time it doesn't seem that way. My dad told me this when I graduated and there is so much wisdom in it...."The greatest adventure you will ever have is not discovering Paris but discovering yourself." God created me to a special person...only He knows the true me. This is about that journey....to discovering myself....So, keep reading! Let's both see what God can do!