A Christmas Story

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustu, that all the world should be taxed. And all went up to be taxed, everyone into his own city. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:) To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, "Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger." And sudenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men." And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, "Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us." And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, an the babe lying in a manger. And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all they that had heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made by him; and without him was not anything made that was made. In him was life; and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not. There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Light, that all men through him might believe...That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world. He was in the world, and the world was made by him, and the world knew him not. He came unto his own, and his own received him not. But as many received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name: Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God. And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth....And of his fulness have all we received, and grace for grace. For the law was given by Moses, but grace and truth came by Jesus Christ. No man hath seen God at any time; the only begotten Son, which in the bosom of the Father, he hath declared him.

Thanks be unto God for his unspeakable gift.

A Prisoner of Hope

I'm back home in Pleasanton after a long long time away. I went to church today and hear my daddy preach for the first time in a very long time too. It was nice. Although I love my church in Kerrville being here is like being, well, home. I've never noticed it before but my parent's home is so peaceful to me. This past semester has been quite difficult for me either due to just a bad attitude or because it really has been tough. Still can't tell which one. Yet, coming home has been like settling into a nice soft bed with a good book. It's comfortable and quiet and a place where I can focus on the things I need to during this quiet time between semesters. The other day I was struggling. Really really badly. Ha. Who am I kidding?! The past 6 months have been a struggle! But tonight my daddy said something that really hit me- "God hasn't given up on us and we shouldn't give up on Him. The Devil can't stop us from serving God but he's trying to get us to quit and lose hope." All the powers of Hell cannot separate us from the love of God but we can separate ourselves if we so choose. Then I read a page from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers in which he spoke on wrestling before God. I would write the entire thing out but first of all that would be too much and secondly, kinda breaking copyright laws. So I won't. Yet, he speaks of how we shouldn't wrestle against God because that will only lead to Him having to cripple us as He did with Jacob in the Old Testament. He encourages that there be a wrestling with THINGS before God. That we must fight for our communication with God. That we must never give up and be empowered with His strength to fight the good fight. Honestly, this has been my best year yet but in the same breath I must say it has been the hardest. Yet, I believe it was to be expected. No, not desired but expected. Why would I expect Satan to sit around while I learn the most about myself than ever before? Learning my weaknesses, my strengths, what it means to develop real relationships and what it means to lose them in the same moment. Although I feel as if there hasn't been much deliverance this year from much of anything- I have hope. First of all I still have a week and a half left of this year. If God established the world in a week then He can definitely begin an establishment in me in a week and a half. I'm leaving this year and entering the next with expectation. Life as I know it is going to change. Again. Yet, I'm ok with that now. God is developing me into the woman He created me to be. It's strange to think that I'm about to graduate from school...well, ok, in about a year and five months. It's going to be interesting to see where this all goes. I guess the whole point of me writing this was hope. I just feel that many times we look around and see how the world is going. Down hill. We don't know what to do, how to stop it, how to keep it from tearing us apart. We sink into the pit letting it all affect us. Yet, the blessed thing about God is He's there to help back out. My daddy has always said that while there is breath there is hope. I'm beginning to see more and more just how true that is but especially with God there will always be hope. Even when there is no breath. Our God is a miracle making God. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. Those things that He did 2,000 years ago He can still do. He will do if we just believe Him and our power through Him. So will we allow our lives to be a channel for God's power? Love? Hope? Or will we be the voice of honesty speaking out of circumstances instead of the TRUTH of God's word? Don't allow yourself to end this year with a "what's the use?" attitude. I know I had been sinking into that attitude and even now am struggling against it but with God there is always a point to fighting for His Truth. To fight for the salvation of your loved ones, to fight for morals and love and care. For freedom and victory in your life as well as your friends.

Walk on The Water

You look around

It's staring back at you

Another wave of doubt

Will it pull you under

You wonder

What if i'm overtaken

What if i never make it

What if no one's there?

Will you hear my prayer?

When you take that first step

Into the unknown

You know that he won't let you go

Chorus:

So what are you waiting for?

What do you have to lose?

Your insecurities try to alter you

You know you're made for more

So don't be afraid to move

Your faith is all

It takes in you

You can walk on the water too

Verse 2:

So get out

And let your fear fall to the ground

No time to waste

Don't wait

Don't you turn around and miss out

Everything you were made for

I know you're not sure

So you play it safe

Try to run away

If you take that first step

Into the unknown

He won't let you go

Bridge:

Even when a storm hits

(step out)

Even when you're broken

(step out)

Even when your heart is telling you telling you to give up

(step out)

When your hope is stolen

(step out)

You can't see where you're going

You don't have to be afraid

So what are you waiting for?

The burning of the flesh

Sometimes we spend more time telling God what we want than letting Him tell us what He wants. If you want to hear God laugh...tell Him your plans. In all our worldly wisdom we sit at the throne of God spouting off what we want, how a tall man will make me happy or how a woman with great beauty will be perfect. We spill the desires of our heart onto God's lap and expect Him to give it to us. But what happens if that's not His will? What happens if our desires aren't His? Do we sit at the throne and let Him whisper His dreams into our ear, into our heart? Or do we turn away from His mercy, saying if we can't have that then we want nothing. So many people look for the perfect person, the one they think will fulfill them. But I know more than ever before my will is not to be lived. God has called us to a higher lifestyle. To deny every dream, every hope, every wish that we have all for the far reaching goal of glorifying the High King. What if God never gives us another thing? What if God looks down on us and even allows Satan to take it all away? Do we turn our backs on Him as Job's wife begged Job to do? Or do we look at the ashes of our lives and pray that God gives me His plans, His tools and His vision to rebuild? Oh that my will was dead. Oh that yours was too. What we could accomplish if we denied our selves and picked up our crosses for Him! To be as Paul who proclaims that it is no longer I that lives but Christ in me! To no longer approach the throne of God with wishes and desires of future plans but of sitting at His feet with an up lifted heart to let Him whisper His dreams into the deep fertile soil that resides there. To deny myself. To allow this flesh to burn away so that only God's glory resides on me. To glow with the glory of God as Moses did when he came down from the mountain. Yet, how can this be unless I deny what this flesh wants? To live a life less ordinary means to step AWAY from the ordinary and into the extraordinary! But I feel that the only way that can happen is for me to quiet my desires, to lay them on the altar and sacrifice them for the greater good of God's plans. I have thought that it was almost my duty to tell God what I wanted. To present my requests to Him with faith and confidence that He will provide. Oh but is that all!? Am I called to live a life driven by my wants? Am I willing to look God in the face and say, "not my will but Yours be done." For Him to call me to the far reaches of Indonesia or South America or Russia and for me not to say, "oh but God I don't want that...I wanted to get married and stay here and build a home with four children and a loving husband. Can we maybe go to New York instead? It's the same thing just closer to home?" When will the time come for us to look not at ourselves and what we want but look to the Cross and discover God's plan for us there? That the building of His kingdom is the most important thing there is. How can we do that if all we see is our plans? Our wants? Our dreams? God did not send His one and only Son to give us everything He wanted. He sent His Son to save the world from the sin that so easily entangles us. We, as His people, need to stop looking to God for what He can give us and start looking to Him for what we can give Him. Our lives. Every last drop of sweat, blood, tears, and laughter. Every want, desire, dream, hope, fear. He wants it all. His will has been established from the beginning and it is more wonderful than anything you could ever imagine. More than anything you could dream up yourself. Sometimes A+B doesnt equal C to God. He's more complex than that. So I guess the question is, "am I going to allow God to live through me? Or will I only allow God to live with me?" Because, my dear, there is a difference.

What does it all mean?

The past couple of days...actuall the past couple of weeks have been strange for me. There's this knowing inside me that I'm on the verge of something but I can't quite get my mind around what exactly it is. I finished reading Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot yesterday on the way home from Oklahoma. It has given me so much to think about. Like what does it mean to actually be in love? And not the world's view of love but God's view. I used to think, "oh just look at I Corinthians 13 to know what it means to love someone." Yet, as I've grown older I'm discovering that it's not the answer I'm looking for. Chapter 13 explains, to me at least, what it means to be a Christian. To love the world through God's grace and help. Perhaps I'm wrong....in fact I probably am....yet, I've looked at that chapter time and time again with no discovery of what it means for a woman to love a man or a man to love a woman. The world says, through movies and books that I'm supposed to feel butterflies and the world is supposed to spin every time I see a person. That there are supposd to be fireworks and sparks and the intense longing for that person and no one else. Your world becomes consumed by that person. Yet, is that how God meant for His ordained relationships to be? If you don't feel those things does that mean your love is wrong or silly or not meant to be? Or does God's love mean something else? Is it more of a quiet strength that you give each other? Do you look at that person and even when you feel as if you could walk away you never will because you know within everything in you that that person is the one you're supposed to be with? I don't know...What I do know though is that I would rather have a love quiet and unassuming that lasts throughout my life than one quick burst of fireworks that die out quickly.

Silent Death and Screaming Life

Same heart, same blood wake up to say goodnight

No work spoken only breath is shared

Alive and yet suffocating

They look in the portal searching for truth

The window clouded by years of deafening silence

No communal love or affection shared within

Just hearts stretching, yearning, dying to touch

The burning desire no hand reaches out

No true word spoken

Understand killing like a shot gun, a knife to the heart

Wake up to see the blood flowing from a beating heart

Cofusion sweeps out the discord and makes its home in the hug

Touch and feel its warmth

Hearts meet and create icy fire consuming the lives of the forgotten

And steals the breath of the observer.

-2008-

A full heart...

So I've been sitting here in the library for the past hour trying to figure out what to say, how to say it...and I still don't know. I'm at this strange loss. I need to write. To spill it all out somewhere, on something, to someone. Perhaps this isn't the best way but it's been the one place where I feel as if what I have to say is important to someone...somewhere...Silly? Perhaps. Or maybe it's just the way it's supposed to be. Something has happened to me. It's scares me. I would say I'm excited but that would be lying. I can't decipher what is exactly going on. I don't know what God is doing. All I know is that I'm becoming driven to find out God's will for my life. About a week ago I was randomly on the internet and decided to look up the setapartgirl.com website. It's based on the book written by Leslie Ludy....it has opened my eyes. Anyway, I was looking into their online magazine and randomly looked at the "Leslie's Picks" section. It was there that I discovered that they have a program up in Windsor, Colorado called the Ellersie School of Honor. I never knew they had it. Never. Words can't even begin to explain. Seriously. I'm so.......? I don't even know. All I know is that I'm praying and seeking God like never before about this. There is more but I'm slowly starting to feel overwhelmed by it all. I'll more when I'm better able to compose my thoughts. This is such an amazing time in my life. Who knew that this is where I would be?

Deciphering Me

Friend, it's getting late, we should be going

We have sat here beneath these flickering neons for hours.

While I am cracking their code, you are deciphering me

For I am a mystery, I am a locked room in a tall tower.

Oh can you feel the gravity falling, calling us home?

Oh did you see the stars colliding?

Shining just to show,

We belong.

We belong.

Your telescope eyes see everything clearly

My vision is blurred but I know what I herd Echoing all around.

Well I am telling you and you are deciphering me.

Not such a mystery, not such a faint and far away sound.

Oh can you feel the gravity falling?

Calling us home?

Oh did you see the stars colliding?

Shining just to show,

We belong.

We belong.

Its love, its love that holds us

We will be alright

Its truth, its truth that shows us

As we walk in this life.

Its love, its love that holds us

We will be alright

Its truth, its truth that shows us

As we walk in this life.

Oh can you feel the gravity falling?

Calling us home?

Oh did you see the stars colliding?

Shining just to show,

We belong.

Oh can you feel the gravity falling?

Calling us home?

Oh did you see the stars colliding?

Shining just to show,

We belong.

Oh can you feel the gravity falling?

Calling us home?

Oh did you see the stars colliding?

Shining just to show,

We belong.

Wednesday Oct 21

♥ "There are two wills, two interests, two lives. Once it was I and not Christ; then it was I and Christ; perhaps now it is even Christ and I. But has it come yet to be Christ only, and not I at all?” ♥

Where to start...

Ephesians 2:5
"Even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved.)"

I can develop self-discipline through Christ who gives me strength. I can find self-discipline in God. He can give me what I need if I let Him. Through Christ I can succeed and pass my classes. Believe it! God cares even about my grades.

II Corinthians 6:1 & 2
"1 We then, as workers together with Him also plead with you not to receive the grace of God in vain. 2 For He says: In an acceptable time I have heard you, and in the day of salvation I have helped you.” Behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation..."

God's grace empowers us even when we didn't deserve it.

II Corinthians 12: 7-10
"7 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. 8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

God's divine influence will work on our behalf if we turn to Him in times of trouble.

Hebrews 4:16
"16 Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

I need to approach God's throne with the epectation that He will follow through with what He said. If I turn to Him, He WILL give me what I need to make it through this time.

Romans 5: 20 & 21
"20 Moreover the law entered that the offense might abound. But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, 21 so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

Romans 6:1
"1 What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? 2 Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?"

I can turn away from the chains of the lack of self-discipline and accept the grace of God in my time of need. And how badly I need it right now.

II Peter 1:2 (AMP)
"2May grace (God's favor) and peace (which is perfect well-being, all necessary good, all spiritual prosperity, and freedom from fears and agitating passions and moral conflicts) be multiplied to you in [the full, personal, precise, and correct] knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord"

I am free from the chains of stress and hopelessness! This will end as my best year yet!

II Peter 1:3
"3 as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue,"

Don't focus on your strengths, focus on the freedom from your weaknesses. Remember that when you admit weaknesses God is made strong! You can live above all things. These things will not destroy you! You are more than a conqueror in Christ who strengthens you! When you wake up you are free! Draw everything you can from the throne of Grace during the day and don't worry about tomorrow. God will be there still ready and willing.

II Peter 1:1-10
"1 Simon Peter, a bondservant and apostle of Jesus Christ,To those who have obtained like precious faith with us by the righteousness of our God and Savior Jesus Christ: 2 Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord, 3 as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, 4 by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust. 5 But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, 6 to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, 7 to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. 8 For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins. 10 Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble; 11 for so an entrance will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

There is hope for us yet!

II Corinthians 5:17
"17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new."

II Corinthians 13:5
"Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Do you not know yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you are disqualified."

Romans 8:8
"8 So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God."

My carnal thinking is a problem because is not subjected to the law of God. To control my carnal thinking I need to subject it to the law of God continually.

Romans 8:12-17
"12 Therefore, brethren, we are debtors—not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. 13 For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. 15 For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together."

I did not recieve again the spirit of fear from God but I have been adopted into the family of God and by that I have the right to cry out to Him. The Lord sent the Holy Spirit to help me in my weaknesses.

Romans 8:26
"26 Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered."

II Peter 1:9
9 For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins.

Jesus has delivered you from your past. There is nothing that can happen to you in your future that God hasn't already fixed and helped you with. This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. He has also already set tomorrow so you might as well plan on rejoicing and being glad in it too. Go into each day with a smile knowing His mercies and grace are new every morning. He is here with you today, tomorrow, and the next day. Remember- You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

Slipping like sand through a sieve...

*I grew up hearing Kelly sing this*

I have journeyed through the long, dark night

Out on the open sea,

By faith alone, sight unknown,

And yet His eyes were watching me.

The Anchor holds, though the ship is battered.

The Anchor holds, though the sails are torn.

Well I have fallen on my knees, as I faced the raging sea,

But the Anchor holds, in spite of the storm.

I've had visions and I've had dreams;

Well I've even held them in my hands,

But I never knew those dreams could slip right through

Like they were only grains of sand.

O, the Anchor holds, though the ship is battered.

The Anchor holds, though the sails are torn.

Well I have fallen on my knees, as I faced the raging seas.

O, the Anchor holds, in spite of the storm.

Now I have been young, but I am older now.

O and there has been beauty these eyes have seen;

But it was in the night, when I faced the storms of my life.

Oh, that's where God proved His love to me.

The Anchor holds, though the ship is battered.

The Anchor holds, though the sails are torn.

I have fallen, fallen down on my knees as I faced the raging seas.

But the Anchor holds; O, in spite of the storm.

I said I've fallen, fallen down on my knees as I faced the raging seas;

But the Anchor holds, in spite of the storm.

Rear view mirrors

You know I was talking to a friend today about the past and wishing some things weren't the way they had happened....you know the whole "re writing history" business? Well, I remembered something my daddy told me once- Your life is like a car. Your perception of your past occurs through your rear view mirror. If you stare too long through it you'll run off the road and get hurt. Yet, if you never look at it you risk not realizing the things that are coming up behind you that can hurt you. The key is to glance back every once and a while...to find a balance between staring and never looking. 

The idea is much easier said than done. Yet, it's true. If you spend too much looking behind you there is a greater risk of crashing. It's funny because my real problem right now isn't so much my past as much as my future. I don't like not knowing...not when my future costs $100,000. I wish I could just KNOW what I'm supposed to do when I graduate. I don't need to know who I'm going to marry or how many children or even where....I just would like to know what I'm supposed to do. So I don't mess it all up. I know I know. Silly. I'll figure it out some how, some day. It would just nice for it to be sooner than later. :) hmmm...

I thought it was getting bigger...

So I don't remember if I ever told this story but I walk talking to a friend while walking by the campus Frisbee group and I suddenly remembered it!
Ok so during camp I learned many things. Kids like to paint toilets with finger nail polish, they get homesick when sick, they argue about the silliest things, they do creative but messy things like make snow out of packing peanuts. Well, one thing I didn't realize before camp was how potentially life threatening they were.
So this happened my second term at camp....it was a rough time for me. lol Most of the previous escapades occured during this time. It was during the eat out when we had the backyard games. I was walking around with my camera taking pictures of all the fun going on when one of my campers caught my attention. I look at her and I notice she has a Frisbee. All of a sudden she looks at me and says, "Hey Kathleen, catch!" Well, I in all my glorious naivety, didn't think she was actually going to throw it. My hands were full with the camera and something so I looked at her and laugh. All of a sudden she throws her arm back and let's the thing go flying....straight toward my head. hahahahahaha I couldn't believe she had done it but it's pretty funny now. So that's another memory from where the Heart is. :)

A study of the human condition

So I've discovered I have this weird habit- I watch movies and TV, read books, and listen to music all looking for another way to look at humanity. As I said...weird. Yet, it's interesting to see what comes out in these medias that allow for some kind of realizations that then lead to a personal change for the better. Ok so now that I've sufficiently freaked everyone out let me explain with an example. Last night roomie and I went to go see Love Happens (which is really cute, btw.) It's about a guy who lost his wife in a car accident and wrote a book on getting over grief based on his experiences. Well, as the story line goes on you learn that he doesn't take his own advice that millions of others have tried and succeeded in getting over grief. It was a pretty good show of how people never seem to take their own advice. We are so busy trying to fix other people that we learn to ignore our own issues and soon deceive ourselves into thinking we don't need help. As the Pharisee standing in the Temple praying to God, "At least I'm not as bad as THAT guy," we stand helping those "worse" than we are and soon we could never be as bad as THOSE people. Yet nothing further from the truth could be true. I know that I've slowly had to realize that yet, I am as bad as "those" people. I've got some issues of my own that I need to take care of before I start pointing my prideful, hypocritical prone finger at others. It's really hard to not let myself do it too. I think...no I know it's part of our humanity- we don't want to be "worse." We want someone else to be worse than us so we can point our finger at them making them feel horrible for what they have done while helping ourselves back on our self made pedestal. So now that realization has been re-iterated in my life I need to work on it some more. :) 

Stronger by Hillsong

There is Love

That came for us

Humbled to a sinners cross

You broke my shame and sinfulness

You rose again victorious

Faithfulness none can deny

Through the storm

And through the fire

There is truth that sets me free

Jesus Christ who lives in me

CHORUS:

You are stronger

You are stronger

Sin is broken

You have saved me

It is written

Christ is risen

Jesus You are Lord of all

No beginning and no end

You're my hope and my defence

You came to seek and save the lost

You paid it all upon the cross

BRIDGE:

So let Your Name be lifted higher

Be lifted higher

Be lifted higher

Same song, third verse

So I think I've probably used this title before but oh well, it fits well with my life right now. Hmm perhaps that says something me? Anywho, life has been pretty good. School as I've already written about is going well. I'm learning alot of stuff how much applies to my degree? Pshaw, not much but oh well. In Sociology we discussed how moral decay from within has destroyed every society that has ever been. I was shocked that a professor at a liberal college would say such a thing especially when the word moral is described as a necesity for societies to survive. I could have told them that when I was 10. lol I grew up hearing that. It's strange how colleges work- my Sociology teacher blames lack of morality (in whatever way the society defines "morality") for the decay of society and yet another of my teachers shows us a video on science in which the speaker laughs in the face of Creationists views saying that you can call something a miracle and science at the same time. (Although in the next breath he explained it was ok for evolutionists to make up names for stuff they can't explain and call THAT science. Well, just as long as there is a double standard...retarded.) Anywho, my point of writing this is not to argue evolution or Creation. I just wanted to point out how this school still blows my expectations out of the water. That's one reason why I still love it.
I'm excited to see what happens this year. I have a feeling that it's gonna be amazing. I'm in a position to be able to make a difference here. The question will I take it and do something with it or am I going to sit on my hands saying it's too hard? I am determined for it to be the first option. Sigh. I'm so content right now it's not even funny....it's amazing. Well, off to work on homework. :)
PS- I love "Hey There Delilah" too.

It's beginning to look alot like...

School is here. I'm excited by the thought but with that excitement comes the amazing reality that it's my junior year. Seriously I would love for someone to explain to me where the last two years went?! Who knew that the old adage "time flies when your having fun" was true? Sigh. I must admit that part of me is a tiny bit worried about this fact. I don't want to look back when I'm 80 and wonder where my time went. I guess I just need to accept the fact that I'm going to have fun and so thus, time will fly which leads to the fact that I will look back on my life wondering where the time went. Time and change are the two things that we can't fight. Anyway, enough about THAT business. I'll be taking Social psychology, sociology, intro to financial accounting, communication & conflict, research methods in communication, choir, and technical communication. That plus family, church, friends, two jobs and ASA. Yup I'm gonna have one busy semester. :) I'm OK with it though (although grades come first so if those start to go down things are going to have to be dropped.) I've discovered that the busier I am the less time I have to sit and feel sorry for myself about the fact I'm single or worry about things that I don't need to worry about. lol I'm honestly excited for this school year and to see where God is going to take me. You know life has a funny way of turning out. I never really thought I would be here feeling as confident and strong as I do now. I am so thankful for the changes God has brought into my life! They have always been for the better despite my fear at the time that He was just trying to destroy me. Realizations like this always make me smile.

Friends we are....

So here I am sitting at Taylor and Kristen's computer listening to the night time music of the washer going as my fingers hit the keys. My eyes are half shut from exhaustion but I feel as if I need to write, something, anything. That if I don't I'll lose this moment and feeling forever. You know that song, "Count Your Blessings?" It's been running in my head this evening and I feel as if that's exactly what I need to do. God has blessed me so much this summer despite the ups and downs of my closeness with Him. Here are just a few things He's done, shown and taught me the past couple of months:
-I'm not as smart as I thought I was.
-I'm not as good as I thought I was.
-That with God anything and everything is possible.
-Church is one of the most important things a Christian can be part of.
-Children have an amazing ability to drive you crazy while causing you to want to squeeze them with hugs and love.
-Children are still children....it's the parents that are parenting.
-I have such an amazing family.
-I have amazing friends.
-I'm stronger and more disciplined than I thought I was.
-That smiling even when you want to puke really can keep you from throwing up.
-I have WAY too much stuff to be so young.
-I am a quiet leader who will step when necessary but can follow at the same time.
-Saying "Yay camp" in an excited tone can boost your morale ALOT.
-I'm going to miss the girls from camp very very VERY much. :'(

There are more things but I kinda feel as if I'm just repeating myself. Yes, I'm ready to be back in the "real world" but there was a certain atmosphere about The Heart that I will dearly miss. Singing after lunch and dinner, looking at the stars with Ashley on our walks back to our cabins, walking in to my cabin and hearing my girls yell "Kathleen" because they missed me, getting to see the smiles of the girls faces as we ate ice cream, hearing the screaming laughter during field sports, seeing Reagan's smile as she laughs away her tears, on and on and on the memories will linger like Christmas lingers on into January. This was one of the best and hardest experiences in my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

"Give me a rose in the winter time,
When they are hard to find
Give me a rose in the winter time,
I've got roses on my mind,
Roses, sweet, anytime and yet,
Give me a rose in the winter time,
How easy we forget.

Give me a friend when I'm all alone,
When they are hard to find.
Give me a friend when I'm all alone,
I've got friendship on my mind.
Friends are sweet, anytime and yet,
Give me a friend when I'm all alone,
How easy we forget.

Give me a smile when I'm feeling blue
When they are hard to find.
Give me a smile when I'm feeling blue
I've smiles upon my mind.
Smiles are sweet, anytime, and yet,
Give me a smile when I'm feeling blue
How easy we forget.

Give me peace when there's talk of war
When peace is hard to find.
Give me peace when there's talk of war
I've got peace upon my mind.
Peace is sweet, anytime, and yet,
Give me peace when there's talk of war,
How easy we forget."

"Friends we are
And friends we'll always be
Who ever wins we'll follow faithfully.
Heart Camp girls we'll always be!
Till we meet again....meet again."

Don't Forget Me

So the past week has been insanely busy but at the same time so much fun. Part of me wants to go all deep and philosophical but I'm pretty much tired. Also I have discovered this one annoying trait about myself....as soon as I'm ready to write on here about my current feelings and such....they just disappear like vapor in a wind. It's rather strange and frustrating. Anywho, I think I'm going to write a list of goals that I have for this upcoming school year....I've been thinking about it quite a bit and have decided I want to establish some habits that are actually useful....aka not reading so much. S0 here are some that I've thought of so far:
-cook a pot roast at least once
-buy and paint a bookcase or dresser
-learn to play guitar
-get up every morning by 8 and go running, stretch and some muscle building
-read and pray every day
-find, apply and recieve an internship for my degree so I can graduate
-apply for scholarships for senior year....no more stressing about money
-be debt free by December!!

This is all I can think of for now...I'll add as I go and let you know how I do.

Skipping down the yellow brick road...

It is 4:41 PM as I write this and I have to leave in 10 min to go pick up Taylor from work since for the past two days I have been the self designated taxi driver for the Scogin family. :) Yay for driving again! I still need to brush my teeth before I go back to camp...and pack for that matter. I really hope I didn't mess up and get my times mixed up. Sorry if I did. The last few days have been relaxing and fun. I miss my "me" time which would also be known as "those moments when I can be completely by myself without anyone to disturb me with random information in voice that could often be considered yelling." Yup. Those are moments I will never take for granted again.
An update on the glow-in-the-dark toilet. It doesn't glow anymore. I finally had the girls clean it up with nail polish remover and cotton balls. Yes, I opened the window so the fumes didn't kill us all. After that was done with lots of giggling from the girls and frustrated sighs from myself I had them clean the rest of the bathroom. So here I am standing in the bathroom watching Lauren scrub the bathtub. I look at the tub knowing it need some hardcore cleaning, so I tell Lauren to put some elbow grease into it. She gives me a strange look. I don't think much of it because 10 yr olds are in the habit of giving me strange looks. I would be poor if I paid them a dollar for every weird look they had given me this past term. Anyway, she gives me a strange look, shrugs her shoulders and proceeds to put her elbow on the rag and scrub. I look at her in astonishment and inquire of her as to what she's doing. Lauren looks at me, as only 10 yr olds can, succeeding in once again helping me realize just how bad of a communicator I am, and says, "you SAID put elbow grease into it!" I busted out laughing. Who knew that children would take an adults words so literally!? I guess a parent would know something like that. Well, the bathroom was successfully cleaned without anymore miscommunication on my or the childrens parts. Yay Four O' Clock Rock!
Well, I'm going to go brush my teeth and prepare myself for the up coming term. I'll write more on the adventures of the Heart later. :)

At least I know where the thing is....

So we're now finishing up the third term of summer camp and I am pooped. I can't believe that I'll be heading back to school on the 16 to start a new year again. I'm so excited! Yet, there are going to be things about this camp I miss. Like my glow in the dark toilet. Yes...you read this correctly....I have a glow in the dark toilet. You know the saying "when the cat's away, the mice will play?" Well that must have been written in reference to kids because that's what they seem to do when grown ups are gone. This past Saturday and Sunday I had my day off and it was...amazing. I got to see my friends, go to church, swim in a pool again and have lots of all around fun. I felt slightly ready to come back on the drive here. As Summer and I walked back to my cabin to drop things off we talked and laughed about fun stuff that we have done though out our lives...as short as they may be. :) We walk into the cabin and I am assaulted with excited "Kathleen!'s" The Heart-lite in there got up and said that they were good but that no one had watched them during siesta despite me having asked someone to. She then instructed me to go look at my toilet....it would explain everything. I had a feeling of trepidation as I walked into the bathroom with Summer to look at it. Sure enough all I could see was faint splotches of glowing something on our toilet. At first I thought a glowstick had exploded and they just hadn't cleaned it up. "Ok," I thought, "we can handle this...just make 'em get a rag and wipe it off tomorrow morning." Then out of the darkness came laughter and an explanation. "We painted the toilet, Kathleen!!! Isn't that cool!?" giggled my campers, much to my frustration. "You....what?!" "We painted the toilet with some Lauren's nail polish!! Now you'll never miss the toilet!" They giggled some more. I reach over and flip on the light, turning to the toilet to see, sure enough, splotches of light blue nail polish ALL over our toilet. Inside, outside, the seat, the handle and even the inside of the bowl.....all painted with nail polish. Nail polish that doesn't come off easily.
I can laugh at the situation now despite the fact that they hadn't done it but at the time all I could think of was, "Kathleen just go to bed....don't think about it right now....take care of it in the morning." So I did. I said goodbye to Summer...slightly wistful as she drove away wishing that she could take me with her so I didn't have to worry about toilets and vomet and talking during siesta....but I, as some say, put on my big girl panties and walked back to the cabin to sleep. I layed in bed for a little while tossing and turning trying to figure out why in the world my girls would think it would be ok to paint a toilet...I could come to no real conclusion so I finally prayed myself to sleep.
The next morning as we prepared ourselves for the day amidst the scrambling for shirts and brushing of teeth I had to ask, in a very calm voice I might add, "Girls why did y'all paint the toilet?" I was met with stares. "Ok, so what happened?" Again, spoken in a calm voice and met with this time stares and giggles. "Ok....so were y'all just sitting around and thought it would be cool to paint the toilet with glow in the dark nailpolish?" The girls looked at each, busted out laughing and finally an answer..."yes!" Slowly I withdrew the story out of them. Alyssa came up with idea, Lauren did the deed while Ava cheered them on. My fourth girl was sitting on her bed doing something so she wasn't involved in the dirty deed. Even now I can't quite grasp why the girls thought it would be ok to do it. I've even asked them with the typical 10 yr old stare looking back at me in response. Yet, as punishment....they get to clean the toilet with nail polish remover, cotton balls and q-tips. It'll be interesting. I'll let you know how it goes and I'll make sure to open windows so we don't kill any brain cells. Although sometimes I wonder if we have many left after this summer. :)

The bruises hurt when you push on them...

So today is the second day of second term and it's been...hard. I didn't know that I could be this tired and frustrated. I've lost my phone. I owe Schreiner $8,000. I'm not getting good sleep. I miss my family. I've changed in ways I wish I never had. Basically, I could cry. Right now. Sigh. I know I know. Y'all are probably sick of hearing my whining...in which you're probably thinking, "well Kathleen why don't you stop?!" Shrug because misery wants company? Now don't be gettin' me wrong. None of this is the camp's fault. I love my choir class!!! I get those happy butterflys in my stomach when I think about it. The girls are great and the girls I sit with for meals are just as wonderful. I guess I'm just stressing out because of Schreiner and like I said...I can't find my phone. :'( Man, I wish I had taken more photos of my nieces this vacation. I've gotten out of the habit of taking pictures since my camera was messed up but now it's fixed so I need to get back in the groove. I could use some familiar loving faces right about now. Anyone wanna visit me? Please do! I just wish I could find my phone......well, I have to go get my girls ready for bed....night. Pray. I need it.

Praying In the Spirit

Sunday Junly 5 '09

Ezekiel 37:31
I Corinthians 10:11-13
Romans 11:11
I Peter 4:17
Sometimes judgement can be postponed! There is hope in that. The first place that judgement will occur will be in the House of God. This will happen because He is merciful and is giving us a chance to right our hearts. The revival needs to start in yourself. If God is going to fix something we need to show Him we mean business. Remember that when a group of people become caught up in the presence of God...time doesn't matter!
I Corinthians 2:9
If we want to know the deep things of God then we have to do it by the Spirit of God. Our minds, reason, and intellect can carry us only so far in understanding God and then only the Spirit can show us the deep things of Him. It is possible to be a Christia and to be ignorant of the things of God.
I Corinthians 14:18
You should pray all the time in the Spirit during your private prayer time. When things happen you need to hit the floor praying and stay there till God gives you an answer.
Romans 8:36
Jude 20
Do you want to know how to edify yourself? Pray in the Spirit! That's how you can remain strong during the hard times when you have no else other than God.
Revelations 1:10
Remember: Philippians 4:13
It needs to be where we pray till God talks to us. Once God tells us to say something we need to say what He commanded us to say.
Acts 4:29-31
All of this starts with wanting to..We need to be filled with the Holy Spirit again and again and again.

A New Step

Sunday June 28 '09

Hebrews 5:714
There is nothing in the Word that remains milk...it only stays that way due to our immaturity. There is nothing that we're going through that Jesus didn't go through and win the victory over.
II Corinthians 12:7-10
If you (I) stay with wrong thinking then you lose those things that are rightfully yours.
II Timothy 3:10-12
The more we complain the worst the situation will be. Plus the more we stop out in faith the harder things will get. I want to grow up now so when I cross over I can step into a new chater of my Christianity. If God is not allowed to be God through your trials then you will walk out of them bitter and angry.
Colossians 2:4-6
Walk=action
Remember: Praises confuse the enemy!
Our thought life can destroy our walk with God. When I start to feel negative I HAVE to stop thinking that way and START professing the truth of God's word and thanking Him for what He HAS done for me. "Greater is He that is IN me than he that is in the world...No weapon formed against me shall prosper...I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!"
Colossians 2:10 ---> I am complete in Him. I don't have to wait till I'm perfect. If I would just be faithful in the Word then that will come in time. <--- God is looking for me to just step out and believe!
I Corinthians 11:26

When I Say I Do...

is the most amazing love song I think I've ever heard. Anyway enough about all things mushy and gushy...no point. Blegh. Sometimes I feel that romance is W-A-Y overrated. Yet, I guess that's mainly because I've yet to find the man God wants me to marry...perhaps that's my first problem. I don't need to find the guy. God'll bring him to me. I just need to sit here and take it all in. Blegh. I've even gotten to the point where I don't care.....except when I watch or read a dumb love story....which I've done a lot of both lately. :S Seriously those things are just meant to make women feel inadequate. Anyway. Sorry. I'm just little down on the romance side of life today. lol Life at camp has been good since the last story I've told. ;) On Monday we had Seminar day. I taught beauty school....or actually it was more like....oversaw Beauty School. lol There wasn't much teaching going on. It was more of a doing class. hahaha Boy the 6 yr olds girls went NUTS with the eye liner and lipstick. It was pretty freakin' adorable. I'm doing well. For some reason not sleeping super well but oh well. I'm making due. Things keep happening to me lately that just drive me....well...they make me super confused...Sigh. I hate it. I wish I had more clarity in my life. Honestly I've gotten better at just not thinking about things...until night of course. lol Oh well. Tonight is Afganbananastan-big word with a big meaning. ;) It's where the campers have to run from one end of the camp to the other without being seen by counselors. If they are and don't hit the deck before we say Afganbananastan they have to go to "jail." Plus we get to shower them with water! hehehe Apparently it is the best night of camp. I'm pretty much looking forward to it! I hope I get my 2/4 approval soon. I really really want to go to church. Sigh. Well I'm off to get dressed for tonight. <3

Wide rails and narrow roads

"Never let bad past experiences keep you from your future." I was told that this past week. Still not really sure what God is trying to say to me specifically but I'm muddling through the deep phrases of my heart to figure it out. I know that there are some things....pshaw....A LOT of things I need to let go of. I won't be 100% happy till I do. It's just hard...harder still holding on to things that I have no business holding onto. Shrug.
Thursday I had to deal with one of my campers getting sick. Honestly it was one of the proudest moments I've had since I went to camp. Pretty much I've felt like a complete failure as a employee, a teacher, a friend and a Christian. Stupid I know but when you go into a new area in your life where everything is new and everything you thought you knew come to find out you really didn't. Well, that can throw anyone on the self-esteem loop. Anyway, I remembered the wonderful training my parents gave me in the ways of preparing for throw up. hahaha Nausea+tears= trash can with a plastic bag. Thankfully the only vomit I had to deal with was throwing the bag away. She felt better and it was my night off so I came back to Kerrville for a little while to take care of some business. Well, as I was walking up to my cabin I specifically remember thinking, "oh the lights are off....gotta be quiet when I walk in so as to not wake the girls...sigh." (the sigh was a pleasant one. lol) So I QUIETLY open my extremely squeaky door and all I hear is......"KATHLEEEEEEN!" hahaha Needless to say I was pretty surprised. Come to find out and remember I have 10 yr olds. Wonderful girls who feel that the slightest thing that they don't plan for is the end of the world....One of the girls pulled the shower rod down on her head. We all had a pretty good laugh because this poor child is quite accident prone. She's hit her head several times already and I even jokingly told her to keep her horseback riding helmet on at all times just to protect her head. Anywho then come to find out this self-same girl gave away our last roll of toilet paper. Why she did such a thing I shall never know. Out of the kindness of her heart toward the poor camper asking for some? Perhaps but I kinda wish she had kept some of that kindness for her own cabin. ;) So I went down to get more. Slammed the door into another door accidently. Nearly made my heart stop. All I could think of was, "Oh my word I woke the dead and they're gonna be maaaad." hahahahahaha Once again, dumb thought but when it's 11:00 at night in an abandonded room where only cobwebs and toilet paper lives you might think the same thing. I book it back to my room with enough toilet paper to last three weeks and get every calm and in bed. Then.........more vomiting. I take care of that and everyone finally falls asleep. THEN I wake to the sound of squeaky door opening and I jerk my head up thinking the Heads are coming to tell me I did something wrong. It wasn't. It was one of the other counselors who was supposed to be watching my girls while I was off but totally forgot. In near tears she apologizes for the complete laps of remembering after which I told her everything was ok and that a Heart Lite covered for me afterall. She left and my first night of craziness ended in blessed sleep. Somehow I was able to sleep with the deep satisfaction that I handled it all very well and that my mothering skills were well learned from playing house as a girl. ;)
I now officially think that the key to being a good mother is humor. If you can laugh about it then you can deal with the big stuff properly. Now I don't mean laugh about EVERYTHING. There are some things that kids do that just aren't funny but those mishaps that just happen...like a curtain rod falling (with no one getting hurt) and the bathroom becoming flooded or your kid using the last of the toilet paper and not telling you...those things....just laugh. You'll show your kids that you don't sweat the small stuff and in the end I honestly think that they'll respect and enjoy your company more. (Although sometimes this is easier said than done. lol)

Every mile a memory

So today was our first day of classes. It's been pretty hectic but fun. :) I have first period off which is nice for quiet time and just relaxing a little before the craziness of the day. After that I go to the office and work for the next 3 classes. I really enjoy it. I'm really getting to expand my resume and develop my understanding of Webpages. Just to name a few. ;) I reviving my receptionist skills. I'm super happy about that. All this texting has destroyed them. lol The girls here are so sweet and honestly many of them have stolen my heart. It's great seeing them in an enviroment that allows them to be themselves. No impressing boys or feeling as if they have to prove something to their parents. Several times I just have to stop and watch my girls in my cabin as they interact. They say some of the sweetest things to each and are so openly accepting. It just stops me in my tracks. How many adults have forgotten how to let other people in? I know I do. Well, after my office period I have lunch and then siesta. :) I love siesta. hahaha Then I teach choir, sewing, arts & crafts and Bible Study. Not all in one day mind you. Two on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and the other two on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. I think I already have to get my choir girls ready for a performance next Sunday. I'm a little worried but if I can find an easy song we should be able to pull it off. Maybe Amazing Grace if there isn't a special request. :) That's always a pretty/easy one. Sigh. I'm listening to some old country (well, old as in Mud On The Tire, Tonight I Wanna Cry, and etc.) Those songs always take me back to High School before the drama. lol Well, I'm off to listen to my girls cheer with their tribes.

Inward peace in the outward turmoil

So I've been given my camper assignments and my four classes to teach. I'm pretty freaking excited. I'll be teaching choir, sewing, crafts and Bible study. I hope girls sign up for the Bible study. I really need it. That kind of responsibility and leadership. I'm not scared of teaching choir any more. I'm borrowing some really great selections of music that I really feel the girls will love. Plus several of them are ones I know already so that makes it easier on me. :) Sigh. Things are looking up finally. I've felt so incredibly lonely and homesick the past couple of weeks. I feel silly saying that considering I've lived away from home for two years now and many times forget to call my parents every week. I don't know. I think part of it is the utter lack of cell phone service and the inability to hear my parents voices. Who knew that one aspect of a relationship could mean so much in a relationship? I've really been struggling with my faith and where I am in God's sight. So much trash has occurred since January in my life- either from my own selfishness or from the selfishness of others. There are not enough words to express how ashamed and sorry I am for everything I've done...or didn't do for that matter. Yet, I'm re-discovering the love of Christ. The church is doing a summer video series with Joyce Meyers talking about never giving up. Oh my word how badly I needed to hear what was said Wednesday night. I have put all my expectations in people and have been sorely disappointed and hurt. Now in no way am I saying I'm completely innocent. If my life had been right with God none of this would have happened. Hmmm. Perhaps I should just type up my notes from Wednesday night. Yup, I just might do that. One thing that I really needed to hear and am working so hard to make true is that this summer is the time for my faith to become real. No more holding on to my parents faith tails. No more depending on others to do what only God can do 24/7. As my dad says, I need to get close to Jesus and allow Him to become real in me, near me, with me. I'm just so thankful for it all. If I put my expectations in God I will never devastated...disappointed? Maybe. But never devastated. Sigh. That's all. :)

Who knew?

So I will be working at Heart O' The Hills girls camp this summer. I've lived up here for five days now and am loving it to the max! It's different and not an atmosphere I'm used to but I needed the change this summer. Most definately. I can't wait for the camp to actually start and to meet my campers. The scenery is beyond belief. It literally makes me smile just from the sheer beauty of it. I'm happy and honestly that's all I can say about my life right now. It's interesting how much more....introverted I've become in the last couple of months. Although when I do have something to say- I say it and want to be respected and listened to when I do speak. (hmmm that's three and's in one sentence. Oh well.) It rained today and made everything so much cooler and even more delicious. It's May 16 in Texas and I'm having to wear a sweater! It's glorious! I hope I can learn to ride horseback this summer. Is it sad that is one of my main goals this summer? I really really really want to learn though. Always have but never had the opportunity to. Especially in Po-dunk USA. Blegh. Anyway. I literally am rambling. Not much to do today so I'm just filling the time. :) Anywhoo. Hmmm...maybe I'll gown down to the river this evening. That would be nice. Especially in this weather. Ok. Back to work. Byeee!

Tears

So today Kristen graduated from Schreiner University. It's crazy to think that just four years ago she graduated from High School, got married and moved out. My sister. Sigh. The family came up to celebrate the event. It was positively lovely. The girls have gotten so big and adorable. (Kelly please please please put the pictures up! lol) I've finished organizing my stuff for camp but am becoming terrified that I have too much still. I already miss Mom and Dad. Cried when I hugged them goodbye. I'm most likely not going to see them this entire summer. Although I'm kinda used to it the thought of me starting something new and not being able to see them......sigh. I hate it. I wish so dearly that I could put into words how much my parents mean to me. I guess the only way to do it is to show them. To marry a Chrisitan man and raise my children to serve the Lord. That's something I've always felt that I needed to do. Shrug. To allow my parents to have a legacy of faith. They were never well-to-do or famous or appreciated very much and I feel that this is the best gift I can give them. The past two years I have grown in love and respect for them- especially my dad. He's an amazing man. No matter his flaws. He's not perfect but neither is the rest of the world. Anyway. Well, I started out writing this to express something....not really sure what. So I guess this is good enough. I have more to say but nothing of worth or import so I'll just say goodnight and be done. <3 <3

My life on repeat

Let's see if I can finally put my emotions onto a blank screen. Probably not but at least I'm trying. Have you ever felt extremely spiritual and strong then done something really wrong and not forgiven yourself for it? This unforgiveness then causes you to rebel because you feel that you're past redemption and you just want to give up on trying to be a better person because you know its never going to happen? Being raised in church, I know just how wrong this thinking is, yet, that's exactly how I feel. The past month has been this way for me. Well, actually since January it's been a slow ascension into the pit for me. Sigh. Even as I write this my heart hurts and feels like its being ripped in two over how I've acted. Dramatic sounding? Perhaps. Yet, I think I would rather be dramatic right now than completely uncaring as to how I've acted. I hate that I've become the person I have. I may have become stronger but that strength has been used to hurt. I may have become more confident but that confidence has been used to manipulate. I may have become more vocal but my voice has become one of dissention and disrespect. I am ashamed. Perhaps I shouldn't write this for the world to see. I don't know. Yet, I feel that, to a degree at least, I'm stating to it that I know what I've done has been wrong and I'm in no way, shape or form proud of it. I'm trying to find my way out of this mess I've made but I can tell that it's going to be a long journey. I only pray that this summer is a cleansing period for me. God only knows how much I need it. I've failed Him, once again. Sometimes I wonder if He'll take me back. I know He will. He always does. That's the beauty of God's love. Yet, sometimes I feel as if I would rather continue to live in the filth than to go back to God and reveal to Him, once more, all my sin. It's like a dog returning to its vomit. Gross and disgusting. I don't know how He can stand me and my dirty self. Now just to clear the any questions I haven't done drugs, alcohol, sex etc. I've just had a rebellious non-caring attitude about how my actions affect people and God. I've disobeyed Him time and time again. Sigh. I could honestly continue to write about all my wretched faults but there's no point. What's done is done. My only hope is to remember that Jesus died on the cross for one such as I. That His mercies are new EVERY morning and strive to lay my sinful self on the altar of God each and every morning. God never said it would be easy but He did say He would always be with us. Heaven help me to remember that.

Can't Sleep.

Can't say what is on my mind...
No one listens....
Too many excuses fall from their lips onto my hands...
Trying to wash them clean...
Yet the stains remain...
My eyes fill with tears as my heart drops to the floor...
The condemnation I feel is no longer yours...
I've taken it upon myself...
As a yoke upon my shoulders...
I know I'm not right and you always are...
These lines I'm fed by my head break all chains of hope...
Gone gone gone...
Drip drip drip...
Shattering my strength and leaving me with only tears and pain...
I messed up once.
I messed up twice.
I messed up three times.
Am I past forgiveness?
Is this who I am forever chained to be?
I know the answer but I'm downward spiraling.
Grasping for the end of what?
I know not.
The rope? The peace? The hand?
I wonder if I'm past redemption...past change...past love.
Gone gone gone.
Drip drip drip.
These questions. This doubt.
Scares me and leaves me in a padded cell with no way out.
Gone gone gone.

How do you fix something you broke?

Well, as my first entry for at least a month, I have to say......I can't believe how imperfect I am. I know that sounds really....conceited...but it's true. I've been dealing with spiritual pride the past couple of months. Some things have been happening in my life though that is proving otherwise. Just how human, broken and messed up I am. What makes it even worse though is that I'm not finding it in myself to feel super guilty about it. I deliberatly disobeyed God....again. Sigh. I can't believe I'm that low....or perhaps I can. I just really need to pray about this and get back on track. Deliberatly disobeying God is the first sign that something is terribly wrong when it comes to my life. I just want to be perfect. My life would be so much easier then. All of ours would be for that matter...... I need help. I need forgiveness. I need to let go. I need to move on. Sigh. Anyway. I'll write more about my life and the past couple of months later..... <3

Deja Vu

Hmmm. Don't know what to write but I need to start this up soon. Life is going to take an interesting turn when I start my new job as a counselor at Heart O' The Hills girls camp. Y'all need to know what's going on! :-) So blogging of my life will continue after these messages. lol <3

Beloved.

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'am the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me

Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And you'll taste new life

Cause you're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
& it binds you to me

Old Maidenhood

Ugh. So stuff hasn't turned out the way I've thought it would for the past month and a half. haha When does it ever though right?? I don't know. I realize that God will show me the man He wants me to marry when He's good and ready and not a moment sooner.....I just wish I was on His time schedule. I wish He would take away this intense desire to marry until the right time. I guess I'm really struggling with bitterness directed toward Him. I DO NOT SAY THAT PROUDLY! I feel absolutely terrible about it. It's not right. I'm just tired of feeling as if I'm the only woman who will never marry....of becoming some old maid. Hurts my heart. Ever fallen in love with someone you've never met? Well, don't. It is quite possibly the worst thing you ever could do for yourself. ad;lkjfa;dlkfja;dlkfjariuohtfbnmclaskdfgjn.

Everything I once held dear, I count it all as lost.

Well tonight I got to go to the last night of Word First. I'm not sure if words can describe the change that has come over me in the past month and half...perhaps even in the past couple of months. My heart is so full I'm not really sure where to begin. I guess I should begin with the fact that I'm laying my life down for the sake of Christ. I will now and forever be the instrument that God uses to complete the necessary tasks He desires to be done here on earth. I was kinda reluctant to say this before but then I tonight during the service my eyes just rested on Hebrews 13:5 &6 "Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." So we may BOLDLY say: " The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?" Man, I'm just loved into silence by that. It was funny because as I walked into that building on campus it just hit me: the church I attend is dedicating a week of their lives to God on MY campus....in the VERY SAME building, the VERY SAME room where Chapel is held every Wednesday night. It really did hit me...like a ton of bricks. Then toward the end of the service I just knew I had to say something about it to Pastor Wimberely and if he was willing to the congregation. So I told them. I claimed in Jesus' name that they were setting the tone for the rest of the year (and every year afterward that they continue to use the Caillioux) for Chapel. I write this as a way of holding myself accountable in what I feel that God has called me to be on campus- His light to a dark world. The healing salt in the wound. The burning brightening light in the darkened room. I am confident that so long as I pour out my life for God, He will fill me continously with everything I need. You know- we serve an awesome God and the sooner we all realize this, the sooner this world will be changed for the benefit of God's kingdom. :)

Lead Me to The Cross

Well it's the third day into the new year and its already been interesting. For any of you girls who are ever asked to give your number to a random co-worker here is a word of advice........don't. In pursuit of being nice I have put myself in a very awkward situation that I pray goes away very quickly. Sigh. Anyway. I've almost finished another book by Eric and Leslie Ludy. They are officially my new favorite authors. This is the second book I've read of theirs and just as the first did- this one cuts me to the core. Amazing. It's called When God Writes Your Life Story. If you have ever looked over your life and felt that you were meant for something more this is the book to read. I kid you not. Also I totally suggest listening to Lead Me To The Cross by Hill Song United. I put it on repeat and let the words dig deep down into my heart. :) Sigh. I always plan on writing more but once again.......I want to finish reading my book. :) <3